You look right through me,
I have become
invisible to you.
I reach out,
Praying you’ll notice
how I ache
for a gentle word,
a soft caress
“You’re beautiful to me.”
I beg you to hear me,
look my way!
Wishing you’d see the heart
I laid bare for you.
you built to make our house
on the outside,
The stranger at the door
waiting for my invitation
or a simple
We used to be great together,
equal partners; a team.
Now I’m just
who bore your children,
and warms your bed.
You don’t reach out
across our chasm
in dark of night.
You turn away,
my lonely heart aching
“I love you.”
How much longer
can I battle
for our life without your help?
The woman I am
slipping further away.
You haven’t even noticed
how your cold shoulder
erodes my confidence:
saps my strength.
I’ve given you
all I have.
The only thing left
I am in a very happy, healthy relationship. I’m lucky. My husband loves me and doesn’t, not even for one second, take me for granted. He treats me with love and respect. We are a team…true partners. Sometimes, talking to some friends, I almost feel guilty talking about him because I know how very different their relationships are.
One friend in particular comes to mind. Her marriage is in trouble. She has been fighting her butt off to try to save it. She’s a great parent. She’s given up so much for him…to try to make a home for him, to help him build the career he wants, to support him. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been a two way street. Every time she thinks she’s making a breakthrough, he pulls the rug out from under her…breaking her heart all over again.
Truth is, if she didn’t love him, she’d have walked away a long time ago… Instead, she’s like Don Quixote…battling windmills. I watch as this vibrant, strong woman becomes reduced to tears of frustration…trying to find another way to stay in a love she’s beginning to feel is one sided. I watch her digging deep, trying to hold on to the powerful, intelligent, wonderful person that the rest of us see…but feeling like she’s shattering inside, her essence corroding away.
It sucks to be the bystander, unable to do anything to help but listen and support. Today I asked her…”How much are you expected to take?” Her answer was, “I don’t know.” Sadly, he’s of the school that believes if you ignore it, the problem isn’t there. It definitely doesn’t help.
So what happens when you get pushed back against a wall and you run out of options? When you run out of reasons to fight? More importantly, when you see your friend devastated and your heart is breaking for them…what do you do? I did the only thing I think I can… listened and offered support. I wish I could do more.
31 thoughts on “Haunted”
How wonderful that you are in a great marriage. That alone is helpful for people to see what a good and healthy marriage is about. Could it be possible that your friend might be married to someone who has Narcissitic Personality Disorder?
No, he’s not narcissistic…just utterly clueless…and his family doesn’t help his case. (Thank goodness I have awesome in-laws)
Beautiful and I’m sure expresses how many people in unhealthy relationships feel…maybe in a way they themselves can’t say.
That’s all you can do-listen and support. My heart goes out to her-I’ve been in her shoes.
Mine, too… Sadly, I think way too many people find themselves in a one-sided fight for their relationship…which I think totally sucks. Marriage takes a lot of work…but both parties have to be willing to put in the work.
That was a beautiful poem. I think you’re doing all you can do. I hope your friend finds her way to happiness somehow.
Me, too. Hoping her guy wakes up.
I don’t know what’s in the water lately but we have several friends (I’m talking people in their 40s, not kids) that are splitting up like crazy.
Yeah. Us, too. What bothers me most is that it seems like people have forgotten…to make a marriage work you may sometimes fight with each other…but you must fight FOR each other if you stand a chance of making it. Marriage is not easy…or for wimps. It’s not always all sunshine and light, but it’s worthwhile!
I know how she feels.
::hugs:: Feeling that way sucks. I don’t wish it on anyone.
Prayers going out to your friend. I’m a big believer in giving a marriage all you have. It’s a vow you made. Even if you were younger, stupider, the vow still means something. Even if the other person isn’t holding up his end of the bargain, the vow still means something.
That said, it can be very lonely and hard. It can feel unfair. Heck, it IS unfair. There are no easy answers in a situation like this, but even bad situations can be redeemed for good. I’ll pray for wisdom, perseverence, and a miracle.
Thanks. She could really use one. I really hope for the best for them…it’s what she wants.
Your listening, without counseling or judging, is the purest element of friendship IMHO. Unconditional love and acceptance on your behalf. What more could a friend wish for? -Nikki
Thanks, Nikki… It’s all I know I can do for her.
Listen and support yes. Would she consider seeking professional help? I am also fortunate that Mr. S and I are in a happy loving relationship, in past relationships I have been lucky that they have also been the same. It is difficult, partners think they can change the other..or they will mend their ways. A vow is nothing if their isn’t love equally from both partners, it’s a vow..words, a piece of paper, but if you are unhappy why persist? Why hold to something that isn’t there any longer? In the hope that it will come back? It won’t, the writing unfortunately is on the wall for your friend, and I am sorry, but she needs to think of her life and act accordingly. Nothing will change otherwise…nothing. Excellent Post Kitt and I hope your friend can make the decision she needs to. xxx
She has brought up counseling to him. He feels there is nothing wrong & refuses to consider it. I think he is afraid to hear that he has made some mistakes. I think she is coming to the point where she is making her plans.
No man is willing to admit they are the ones that cause the issues…it’s all ‘her fault’, they are usually gutless individuals, if he isn’t wishing to seek help, he doesn’t want the marriage, he cares not for her feelings at all. I am not a religious person, so I won’t say for her to pray, I believe she has to make her own destiny and as you say she hopefully is making plans.. that will be the only solution left for her. xx
She definitely has to make her own destiny. And I know her…she is a planner. She never says things idly.
As I read this, I have to wonder if your friend is praying. It’s the only thing I know that can effect real change in a relationship. I know.
She’s doing plenty of that…
Then in God’s time, she’ll have answers. The waiting won’t be easy, but looking back, she’ll realize the timing was perfect.
Beautiful and poignant and “being there” is the best gift of friendship that you can give
That relationship sounds awful. It’s so much harder to walk away when there are children involved. You’re a good friend. Most of the time people aren’t asking for solutions, they only want someone to listen to them.
Exactly…and you’re right. Having children in the mix definitely complicates everything.
intricately weaved… 🙂
i hope your friend finds a solution… it does sound like she’s being taken for granted… but we know she knows…
Yes, unfortunately she does. And thank you.
a hug both to you and to your friend