Caught In The Act…Almost.

Although I was the “queen of sex information”, it wasn’t until a little more than 10 years ago that I bought anything that could be perceived as a traditional sex toy. As many of you know, my first career was in medically related. After having worked in the ER, seeing some of these kinds of “mishaps” I’m sure you can understand my concern. I mean…I practically grew up at that hospital. Many of the staff were either family or close friends of the family. There was no way I wanted to subject myself to that kind of embarrassment.

There was another part to my trepidation about visiting an adult shop. In fact, I’d hazard that even the most open minded women have moments of hesitation at the thought of walking into a shop…especially alone! When I pictured going, it was always a dimly lit place, or dirty. Even worse was the concern of who might see you there or the type of employee working behind the counter. Always, in my mind’s eye, I’d picture the worst….and there are times when that’s exactly what you get…I mean, many of you read about my last visit….

I had been in Florida for about a year when I decided to go back home to Chicago for a visit. While staying at my mom’s place one of my best friends from Junior High and I decided to meet for breakfast. As happens with old friends, breakfast turned into spending the day together. While hanging out she mentioned that she had plans to go to a pleasure party at a friend’s house and invited me to come along. She’d never been to one and was a bit embarrassed at the thought of going alone. I’d never been to one before, but thought it sounded like a blast!

While we were there all sorts of toys and creams and lingerie were paraded around for us to check out. Of course with a room full of women, there was much giggling. I thought it was a great alternative to going to an adult store. Better yet, your orders were taken privately and individually, and were wrapped in brown paper bags so that no one knew what you purchased. Of course women talk, so only a few people’s orders remained private.

When it was my turn to go into the room and order I debated what I wanted to buy. Why? Because I had this image embedded into my brain. My overly vivid imagination had this picture of getting to the airport, preparing to go through security…and as I prepared to check my bag…a vibrator going off….very loudly…from inside my luggage. In my mind’s eye I saw a TSA employee calling in for an assist and a swarm of security officers opening my bag very cautiously…the eyes of everyone in the airport now on that suitcase….as they pull out something that looked like this…(or worse).

The thought completely mortified me. So I played it safe. I purchased a cream called nipple nibblers….strawberry flavored, of course. Their purpose should be obvious. I also picked up a numbing agent for the back of the throat for blowjobs…not Goodhead, though I have tried their stuff, too. I honestly don’t remember the brand anymore. Finally, I purchased something with a minty flavor that made a woman all tingly in her lady parts. 😉

After my fun experience I decided I wanted to try to host one of these parties, myself! I looked around online and found a company called Slumber Parties. I registered online to hostess a pleasure party for my friends and I. I figured…now I could buy some fun stuff and not have to worry about embarrassing myself in front of airport security… (Not to mention family…if my exploration led to an emergency hospital visit)

I was pleasantly surprised. The lady who came out was cool, hilarious…and very knowledgeable. Every single one of my friends walked away buying something. This meant discounts and bonuses for me. This woman was smart. She let us sample the creams…using one hand for the tasting hand and the other for the feeling (things like lubricant, etc). The creams that were created for different sensations down below…she picked a couple of volunteers to sample, put some on a qtip, gave instructions and sent them into the ladies room to try on. It was fun watching them squirm through the presentations on vibrators, etc. (And no, gentlemen…the ladies didn’t all “try them”…we just passed them around and felt how strong the vibrations were in our hands).

Well, you know how concerned I was about those embarrassing moments? They never happened to me….but, thanks to my little party…they DID happen to a couple of friends. I think the vibrator that most intrigued our group of ladies was something called the G-Wiz. This particular toy had two removable silver bullets and battery operated controls. It was meant to hit 3 orgasm spots. There was a clitoral stimulator, a vaginal wall stimulator and it curved to hit the g-spot.

I can still hear our lady telling us…”Now ladies, the G-Spot is NOT a myth. This particular device will not only help you find it, but if you’ve never had one, will help you experience it. You’ve now felt how powerful the vibrations are from those silver bullets. I will warn you of one thing. Be sure you have a towel handy. When you insert this toy and you turn on the power…the curve will have the tip of this toy tapping on your g-spot. You may feel like you have to pee. Do not stop! You do not have to pee. That is the g-spot swelling up to give you that orgasm. Your orgasm will be intense and messy…and it’s NOT pee.”

She wasn’t lying…

One of my friends who purchased that device came up to me a few months later, completely mortified.

Her: Oh my God!

Me: What’s the matter?

Her: Remember that toy I bought at your party?

Me: Yeah…Last I heard you were enjoying it quite a bit!

Her: I was! Now I just want to die!!!

Me: What happened?

Her: Well, you know how tough it is to find “alone time” when you’ve got 4 kids.

Me: Yeah…

Her: It’s even worse when your mother-in-law lives with you, too.

Me: (trying hard not to laugh) Noooo…

Her: I was alone in the house…had a great time…but then I heard the front door, so I dropped the thing by my laundry and rushed to get dress so the kids wouldn’t find anything.

Me: Yeah….?

Her: I went back last night to get it and put it away and I couldn’t find it!

Me: Oh, crap.

Her: That’s when I noticed the laundry had been taken and washed and folded. (in a wail) My mother-in-law did my laundry!!!

Me: Did you ask her if she found it?

Her: Hell no! I’m too embarrassed. I’m not asking her shit! When are you having another party?

And then there was my other friend. She came to work a few weeks later, looked at me and burst out laughing. I gave her one of my “what the heck was that” looks…and once she could breath again she told me.

Her: You remember the pleasure party you had at your house?

Me: Yeah…

Her: Well, since I’ve been working so much I thought I’d buy a little something for Sam.

Me: Like what?

Her: I think you call it a “pocket pussy”.

Me: Oh, I think I remember seeing that in the catalog.

Her: Well, Sam and I have a little toy chest for that sort of thing, especially with 3 boys in the house, but I think he may have forgot to put it away after the last time he used it.

Me: What makes you say that?

Her: He was snoozing on the couch last night, watching tv and one of the boys wanted his attention. I looked over and my son was trying to wake him up by smacking him in the head with it…over and over again.

Me: (laughing hilariously at the image)

Her: Yeah…thank goodness I didn’t get the lifelike looking one. That might have been too much. It was all I could do to grab it out of the hands of one of my twins. I couldn’t even ask him where he got it from because I didn’t want to draw attention to what he was holding.

Me: Oh, wow! What did Sam do?

Her: He looked at me, shook his head and walked into the bedroom after taking it out of my hands…his shoulders were shaking as he walked away.

Me: I’ll bet!

All I could think of was that I was immensely grateful that one of my other gal pals didn’t buy the Swing she wanted to buy. She was over 200 lbs…and without knowing how much weight that thing could hold…it could’ve been very, very bad.

Have you had one of those awkward sex toy moments? Or have you had a fear of one of those moments happening to you that’s prevented you from buying one?

I have to say…they’re a ton of fun…but if you have children there are two things to consider. 1.) Have a designated toy hiding spot. 2.) Make sure that the hiding spot has a lock… Having said that, I think it’s getting to be about that time for me to go shopping again. I’ve been thinking something in glass…

C’mon…you can’t say you’re surprised about the music choice considering the content of this post…LOL!