My Battle With The Foot In Mouth Disease

My fantastically funny friend, Gloria Richard wrote a post yesterday entitled Ever Lost Your Brain’s Remote Control. After recounting several of her hilarious mishaps over the years, she challenged us to share some of our moments. As I sat thinking about the many idiot moments I’d had over the years I figured I’d share some of my own. Hey, turnabout is fair play, especially since I shared some of my friends’ more awkward moments in the past.

openmouth_insertfoot

Those of us who tend to say what we think know that there is a hazard that goes with being blunt. For example, there was a young lady that I used to work with at a popular electronic retailer store. I was new, and she and I were pretty friendly. The weather had taken on a cooler edge recently, so when I walked in, I was wearing my black leather biker jacket.

black biker jacket

It was a men’s jacket and I loved it…still do, actually. I was the first “real” gift hubby ever gave to me. Anyway, back to the story. As I came walking down this young lady’s department, she came over to say hi and the following conversation ensued.

Her (with a big grin and a nudge) : Hey there, Biker Bitch!
Me (with a grin and a wink) : Better watch your step or I’m going to make you my bitch.
Her (eye contact, not laughing) : Any time.
Me (blinking) : Um, yeah….

Oops! Yeah, I’d heard the rumors about her being either lesbian or bisexual, I just didn’t care. It just never occurred to me that a simple off the cuff response could create such an interesting ripple. Well, it confirmed the rumor if nothing else…LOL! Oddly enough, that moment helped to cement our friendship.

Unfortunately my talent for the awkward started much earlier. It’s the hazard of being a person whose mouth rarely stops moving. Sometimes we can be deliberately hurtful and regret it later. My “lesson learned” moment actually became my college application essay. Here’s the short version.

While we lived in the Philippines we had some live in help. A maid and a nanny. Hey, the dollar stretches quite well in third world countries. Anyway, as my mom is also Filipina, our servants were more like family and were treated as such. I was about 7 years old when my mouth got me into trouble.

Nanny (looking around at toys strewn all over the floor): Kitt!
Me (fake innocent look): What?
Nanny (pointing at all the toys): Put away all your toys or you’re not playing outside.
Me (irritated): Pfft! Your the maid. Isn’t that what we pay you for?
From somewhere behind me….
Mom (snarling): Kitt. What. Did. You. Just. Say?

Yeah…mom had walked up behind me and heard the whole thing. She was NOT happy. I got my butt whipped, had to clean up my toy AND I got grounded for the day. No bueno.

My sophomore year in high school there was a 4 day choral music festival held at a one of the private universities in Michigan, culminating in a concert on Saturday afternoon with the University Orchestra. The private high schools tied to this particular religion from the surrounding 5 states sent the top 2 singers from each section (Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Bass) to go to this event. It was a privilege to be chosen, and I was one of the 2 sopranos chosen to represent my school. We were put up in the women’s dorm and spent most of the time rehearsing songs in German (Haydn) and Latin with a couple of English ones thrown in for good measure.

As you can imagine, after a while we became restless. Several of us congregated in one of the dorm rooms early that Saturday afternoon waiting for the concert. Keep in mind, most of us were little suburban kids. I, being half Asian, was the closest we had to an ethnic mix in that room. To this day I’m not exactly sure how it started…all I remember was thinking I was going to die.

What had I done? I sang Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love Of All”. And not in my normal voice. NOOOO. I was singing it at the top of my lungs, over enunciating each word with theatrical dramatics.

“I Buhleeve that children are hour fyuchaaaa.
Teech them well ahnd let them lead the waaaayyyy.
Show them ahl the beauty they possess insiiiiide.
Give. Them. A Sense of pride.
To make it easiahhhh!”

The girls were all in a fit of giggles as I belted it out….and then came the knock on the door. My singing stopped. We all looked at each other, eyes huge and praying… Why? Because late that night an all black university from Canada had come down for an event the following week and were staying in the rooms across the hall from us.

Of course, with my luck…it WAS, in fact, several of the very nice ladies from that university. Here’s what happened:

My traitorous friend: Uh, hello?
Nice lady: Hi girls, we heard someone singing from down the hall. Who WAS that?
(Yup! You guessed it. All hands pointed at me as I slowly turned around to face the women in the doorway.)
Me: Sorry about that.
Nice lady: Why are you sorry? We thought you sounded GREAT!!!!
Me (blinking while my friends all tried to hide their laughter): Um… Thank you?

And just like that, they were gone… Thankfully they hadn’t realized I was poking fun at the way a lot of divas overdramatize song lyrics. As my friends cracked up, I was mortified. Seriously. What if I’d really offended them? Sooo not my intent.

Then there was the time I met the Pittsburgh Steelers Pro Football Hall Of Fame quarterback, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry_Bradshaw

Okay…so I’m unapologetically an Dallas Cowboys fan, but still. I love football and I respect the game. That’s one of the reasons that every time I think of this moment I want to hide somewhere. Why? Because my usual eloquence eluded me that day in a big, BIG way…making me sound like a total airheaded bimbo (something I hate).

So the back story? Mr Bradshaw’s brother has a home in the Sarasota area. He’d come to town for a visit only to realize he’d left his camera bag back at home in his foyer. What did he do when he discovered this error? Why, what every wealthy man does, of course. He showed up to the local electronics store with his dad at opening (when it’s least crowded) and replaced everything he’d left behind.

The guys in the store were dying to talk to him and ask for his autograph, but figured it would be easier to break that ice if they sent a female in. As I qualified and was the only woman knowledgeable enough about football and his HOF career, they asked me to go over and talked to him. I didn’t want to disrespect his privacy so I declined being used in this manner. Fortunately for them, he noticed several guys hovering and welcomed them over to get his autograph and offered the opportunity to any employee in the store who wanted it.

Once he gave permission, the guys let me know and I walked over to get his autograph before I left. Here’s how THAT went down.

Me (in a timid voice that was so unlike me the guys all blinked): Excuse me Mr Bradshaw. Would you mind if I asked you for your autograph?
TB (with a gentle smile): Sure thing, Sweetheart. Do you have anything for me to sign?
Me (holding up small brochure form): This?
TB: Why don’t we find something a bit bigger?
(Grabs a manual receipt form)
Me (while he’s signing): Thank you so much! (And then I made my big faux pas that made me want to commit seppuku) I just want to say, I really LOVE watching you and Howie (Long) on Sundays.
TB (Showing class all the way, put an arm around me): Aw, thank you sweetheart. We need more fans like you.
long-bradshawx-large

 

Why was that so mortifying? Because I was well aware of his Hall of Fame career and his 4 Superbowl rings…and what did I mention? His Fox Sports thing? OMG! Yes, that is my head you hear banging on my desk. Never mind that this incident happened nearly 10 years ago. I’m still mortified…. But I also still have this awesome autograph.

Terry Bradshaw Autograph

My Terry Bradshaw Autograph

Okay, enough of my verbal face plants…. What about you guys? Care to share some of your more awkward moments? If not, I’m open to you sharing the awkward moments of friends and family. And just so no one can question my Cowboy Fandom….Here’s a pic of me at one of them many Cowboy events I’ve been to… Hanging out with some Cowboy Legends

Tailgate in Big D with Hubby, Bill Bates, Me, Everson Walls & Kenny Gant

Tailgate in Big D with Hubby, Bill Bates, Me, Everson Walls & Kenny Gant

And here’s another one of me with my girls at a game at Cowboy Stadium.

At The Game

At The Game

 

 

 

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33 thoughts on “My Battle With The Foot In Mouth Disease

  1. The Voyager says:

    Oh goodness. I can only imagine how embarrassing these must have been, but I have to admit that I giggled a lot while reading! Thanks for sharing!

  2. john howell says:

    Liked the story of the singing competition. I was a suburban kid in the Detroit area and continually stuffed my foot in mouth. I was raised in the city until I was 15 so my foot was always the other way. (saying something stupid to the in crowd) enjoyed it.

  3. rebecca2000 says:

    You know I grew up in Dallas. I lived there my entire life up until 2 years ago. I am still not that far away and I have never been to a game. I want to though.

  4. Don't Quote Lily says:

    You’re hilarious! These were ALL great. Honestly, awkward/embarrassing moments are awesome (after the fact) because they always make great blog stories! I kinda wish my life was full of more of these moments. Not that I enjoy being embarrassed but you know what I mean. As for TB, I think you could have embarrassed yourself way more, so that wasn’t too bad! Though it is a shame that he didn’t get to see all your FB knowledge. 😉

  5. Tammy Bleckmy says:

    Kitt, there are SO many that it would take a week. The sad things is, I’m proud of a lot of them. Go figure. But I will tell you this: I will never, ever ask a women when her due date is. Enough said.

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      LMAO! If you couldn’t tell by this, I was actually pretty amused by most of mine in hindsight. It’s probably why I have the ability to laugh about it now.

      As for the due date thing…Yeah, that one’s tough. I had one poor employee that would get that question fairly regularly. It wasn’t that she was large, either. I think it may have been because she was top heavy and a fan of those babydoll blouses. They made her boobs look even better, but the flare out left people wondering.

      The only time it happened to me was when our cleaning lady for my job came in. She knew I was recently married and apparently she saw me cup my hands to my belly. What she didn’t realize is that I was actually pressing my diaphragm, something people with a singing background (which I have) are known to do. She was mortified!

  6. Mae Clair says:

    If I take the time to think about it, I’m sure I’d come up with a bunch of stupid things I did but, honestly, yours are far more entertaining, LOL. Fun post, Kitt.

  7. Gloria Richard Author says:

    AHA! I should have known you were saving some of your blunder-iest blunders for you own blog, Kitt. Not that implying you’re a doper in front of your boss isn’t one of those…

    LOVE these! When you got to the bit about Terry Bradshaw asking if you could provide something larger for his signature I was oh-so-certain you would arch your back and offer up you décolletage…

    L-O-V-E your pictures. And, how is it you became a Dallas Cowboys fan? I live in Texas, for crumbs sake, and still root for my hometown Steelers.

    I hope this doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.

    Can’t leave without a nanner, nanner comment. The Corporate America I worked for had Bradshaw as their company spokesperson for a number of years. During a charity auction, they auctioned off a golf foursome with Bradshaw. My husband was at the bar getting me *yet another* glass of wine and heard the bids go higher and higher. He thought, “Who in their right mind would pay $2500 for a round of golf?” He turned to look, and — yup — I was the person waving the hand in the air, when the auctioneer shouted “SOLD!” Hubby and two of his buddies had a great day with Bradshaw.

    That *yet another* is the reason my budget numbers look much better now that I quit drinking. 😉

    Hubby also has a football signed by all the cowboys when Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith were on the team. And, I stood next to Aikman at a charity BBQ, serving up my Mexican Corn Bread while he dished out brisket.

    Yes, you can have my autograph. 😉

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Dude! My jubblies wouldn’t have been bigger…LMAO! Kidding.

      As for my Cowboy love….it’s funny. Everyone expects me to be a Bears team since, with the exception of football, I’m an all Chicago girl. GO BLACKHAWKS!!!! 😉 But seriously, I was a military brat. The first football game that grabbed my attention when I moved back stateside just happened to have this guy named Tony Dorsett breaking a 99 yard run against the Vikings. It was love from there.

      Your nanner, nanner comment cracked me up. Why? Because when my hubby won tickets to the superbowl (yeah, that’s a nanner, nanner, too) back in 2008 for the Giants v. Pats we went to an event called Taste of the NFL. It’s a charity/superbowl party where you get to meet legends or current players from every team as well as taste food from top restaurants in each city. They had a silent auction for memorabilia, as well as each player put something up. As the proceeds went to food shelters in each city, we were happy to go (Even at $600 a head) thinking it’s a once in a lifetime event. I met your legend Joe Delamiellure and got his autograph. That night we participated in the silent auction because my MIL’s favorite retired Bear was there. We won our auction for an autographed Gary Fencik helmet, an etched bottle of wine (limited edition to that event/superbowl) and his personal seats to whatever game my in-laws wanted to go to for the next year.

      As for Troy, of course hubby and I have his autograph and Emmitt’s…and Michael Irvin’s (hubby met him in Tampa a couple years ago). We also have Moose Johnston’s, Ed “Too Tall” Jones, DeMarcus Ware’s and many more. Did I mention that when I go to the Bahamas I’m hanging with players? 😉 I’ve been on the dance floor with Cowboy legends…and got to shake Emmitt’s hand when he was inducted into the Hall Of Fame. (Yeah, I was there)

      Hahaha! I like playing this football game with you. By the way, some of my best friends are Steeler fans. We’re only not friends on game days. 😀

  8. amadiex says:

    Somehow I can definitely see you singing that Whitney Huston song and your face as the ladies asked you guys who was singing it!! Nice Kitt!

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      LOL! Yeah. That week has some of my best memories of hanging out with Allison T. Before she died a few years later. She and I had a blast together. (She was the one who answered the door…LOLOL!)

  9. filbio says:

    LOL! Why is that embarrasing? Terry career for a long time now has been on TV with Howie and the gang. I thought that was pretty cool.

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