The Danger of “Never”

Never Say Never?

Never Say Never?

I know, Bieber and Connery together is enough to make a person start to twitch, right? Believe me, that was my first reaction, too, when I google imaged the words “Never Say Never”. I mean, it’s not like the boy invented the words, right? They’ve been around longer than I’ve been born, and I was born many, many moons ago.

Then I started thinking…. Maybe the comparison was actually perfect for what I wanted to talk about today. Although the tabloids show “the boy who needs his hair combed” in a not so flattering light these days, he’s young. Immature. And he’s probably the perfect example of when, in youthful naiveté, we said “I’d NEVER do that…”

Those "Doh" Moments...

Those “Doh” Moments…

Everyone’s familiar with the everyday moments… But in the spirit of Youth v. Experience, why not make this a bit more interesting? Let me elaborate….

Think back. Remember back in the day when you were fairly innocent to the inner workings of sexuality and all you had to go on was whatever your parents or friends told you about sex, maybe a dirty magazine or two…and your imagination? Maybe you’d already caught sight of your first porn video and it left more questions than answer, but you knew it was pretty hot?

Hubby tells a story about how his older, wiser 8th grade brother (they’re 3 years apart) found his dad’s Debbie Does Dallas video. (Little sidebar—this is not the reason I became a Dallas Cowboys fan. The coincidence is strictly incidental.) His older brother, wily as he was, realized early that the best way to keep from getting caught when involved in hijinks was to make sure little brother was also knee deep into whatever mischief he’d created. So what happened this time? Big brothers and his buddies decided to have a viewing party. Included in this little party were hubby and one friend of his choosing.

As with most porn material, ejaculation was a big outward show, causing this conversation to occur:

Hubby’s Friend:Ewww! He’s peeing on her!

Hubby: Uh. Dude, that’s not pee.

Hubby’s Friend: Gross. What IS it, then?

Hubby: Shhhh! I’ll explain it to you later.

Yes, big brother and his friends were laughing. Yes, the poor friend was pretty darned shocked when the details were explained to him. Yes, this can also serve as a warning for WHY you want to talk sex with your children early and often. If you don’t, someone else will…and you may not like how it happens.

Why did I bring this up? Because, open book/wild child that I am now, I wasn’t always that way and I doubt you were, either. I definitely had some “I’ll Never Do That…” moments revolving around sex in my younger years.

Prime example?

I’ll Never…give a guy a blowjob. Yeah, yeah…. go ahead and laugh. But seriously, back in the day, I still remember talking to a guy friend of mine and saying “No way, No how, Not EVER!!!!” Why?

“Eww! They pee out of that thing!”

“It’s unsanitary!”

I know what you’re thinking… Since when has sex ever been sanitary, right? My whole thought process about blowjobs have gone well past the way of my naïve notions and headed straight down 007’s way — which is to say, I’m “down with it–both literally and figuratively. There’s a power and exhilaration in being able to draw such visceral responses from a lover. A few pointers to remember when giving head:

  • Relax– If you’re tense, you’re more likely to trigger your gag reflex
  • Breathe through your nose — Trick learned at the orthodontist’s office making my teeth molds. Breathe through the mouth=gagging and tears. Breathe through nose=no triggers.
  • If you’re still having trouble, there are creams that can numb the parts of your mouth with the gag spots
  • Some find that exhilaration can make for better oral. Be spontaneous! For me, this equates to road head. LOL!

Funny little tidbit….I didn’t really have any qualms about a guy going down on me. If he was willing to do so, more power to him…and I loved every moment. LOL! Obviously I fell off my high horse….but I don’t regret it!

Okay, so in this matter, it wasn't love, but you get the gist

Okay, so in this matter, it wasn’t love, but you get the gist

I’ll Never… have anal sex. Ever. That was another shiny little tidbit from my youth that found me eating my words. My reasons? Very similar to the ones used regarding oral sex. Heck, it’s the poop hole! Of course they still applied! It didn’t even sound the slightest bit interesting. In fact, part of me wondered…”if someone shoves something up there, does it come out brown?” Hey, don’t laugh. It was an honest question.

I’ll even tell you my first foray into the whole experience wasn’t very fun! I mean, back then it wasn’t like people actually talked much about the “how to’s” of sex. Not nearly as candidly as many of us will today. Plus, that sort of thing simply DID. NOT. HAPPEN. in the romance novels I read. So it “couldn’t possibly” be a thing that anyone but gay men and porn stars did, right? WRONG!

I still remember a conversation I had with a gal pal of mine on the subject back in the day.

My Friend: So the boyfriend’s been begging to try anal with him.

Me: What did you say?

My Friend: I told him I’d only let him do it to me if he’d let me do it to him first.

Me: (laughing) So what happened?

My Friend: We’re going shopping for a strap-on this weekend.

Knowing what I do now about prostate orgasms, this may not have exactly been a hardship for him if she did it correctly. Of course, back then, I didn’t ask… The truth is, though I’d heard many of my gal pals threaten the same thing, she was the first one I knew who actually followed through. Most of the time the conversation was simply dropped.

After my first, not so auspicious, foray into back door play, it took me a while to be willing to try again. Still, it got me thinking…and doing more research. Unfortunately, erotic romances were still not readily available (or very good) during that time, but at least there was the internet. Also, pleasure parties were all the rage and the sales women were quite knowledgeable. And yes, I’ve backed down (ha!) from the I’ll Neverpoint of view.

Anal sex can definitely be quite pleasurable for women…but we, like men, need to be prepared. Those of you who have read some of the fabulous erotic romances out there know that there are several universal truths:

  • Make sure you have good, quality lube. Yes, there are some made specifically for anal sex (and some even have a numbing agent).
  • Build up to it! Start with smaller anal plugs and work your way up to the bigger sizes.
  • Have a candid conversation about it in advance so you’re both on the same page about “prep” (The last thing you want is someone who will just slide it in there with no prep or warning!)
  • Guys- don’t pull the “Oops, it slipped into the wrong hole” stunt. First, you wouldn’t like it if it was done to you. Second, it destroys trust. Third, I’ve been told it hurts like an SOB!
  • Breathe! And don’t force anything in…take your time!

There are more steps, but these will put you on the right path. Have you figured out why the two Never Say Never’s work well together now? Because one is the naive, “I’ll Never…” where we inevitably find ourselves backing down because the “I’ll Never…” was based on lack of knowledge, understanding and fear. The second? Well, you know the Mae West saying:

mae_west_500

If after you’ve actually tried it, and you’re a bit more “seasoned”, you STILL decide to say “I’ll Never..” Well then, dagnabbit, you’ve earned the right. The one lesson I’ve got from all of this? “I’ll Never…” pretty much guarantees it’s going to happen.

What about you? What things were you absolutely positive that you’d never, ever try (preferably sexually speaking) that found you eating crow? C’mon…I’ve shared my awkward moments and tips with you…I’d love for you to share some of your own with me!

33 thoughts on “The Danger of “Never”

  1. August McLaughlin says:

    Fantabulous post, Kitt! I laughed out loud at that pee story. And your evolutionary thoughts on your “poop hole.” ROFL!

    I have so many “I’ll nevers” that’ve changed. Masturbation was a biggie for me. I never thought I would, or even could, until one night – holy schmoley! (More on that in a big way soon. :)) I also never thought I’d get divorced or have casual sex, both of which turned out to be invaluably positive experiences. Thanks for being so open, candid and all around awesome. #GirlBoner salute!

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Thanks, August! I’m glad I got you laughing… It never even occurred to me that I actually covered “both ends” of the story until I read your comment. ROFL!

      As for your “I’ll nevers”, I’m so glad that you’ve found some awesome self discoveries by opening yourself up (both literally and figuratively) to experiencing those things you were sure you’d never try. 🙂

  2. brickhousechick says:

    Woa! I had to take a shower after reading this. 🙂 Hot stuff! My sexual life began as a Catholic virgin who waited until I was married to – do it. As a wife of 24 years to the same man, we have tried it all – almost!! Fun times. 🙂

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      There is absolutely nothing wrong with beginning the exploration into your sex life after marriage. In fact, that’s exactly what my best friend did.

      I stuck to waiting till I was in love…though not married. So glad you were comfortable to “explore”. I bet your husband thrilled to be the one to “go where no man has gone before.” I’m sure it only helped strengthen the bond you two already shared.

  3. Gloria Richard Author says:

    I never ever had a candid conversation with a girlfriend or one of my four sisters about sex. Never.

    I didn’t know the potential I’ll Never sexual moves with a man until I was In-the-moment and, to be honest, so eager to learn, I asked no questions and delivered no “Get that thing away from there!” commands.

    I have no face-to-face friends willing to have an open and honest discussion about sex. They’d likely keel over if I said, “So! I found this nifty G-Spot stimulator, and I….”. Worse. I know none who admit to masturbating. I’m not certain many of them indulge in that oh-so-stimulating activity.

    They spew the romance novel lines about having hunks for husbands who always bring them to orgasm. Back-in-the-day, it made me feel less-than, inept, yadda, yadda.

    Now? The odds that every woman I’ve known since my early twenties has a satisfying sexual relationship? Slim? Nil? KUDOS to those who speak the truth. I’m confident some continue to be stuck in the muck and mire of what they wish happened versus the unbridled truth.

    In one recent conversation, one of those friends said a gal at a girl’s party she attended started talking about how much she enjoyed her pulsating, hand-held shower head. My friends reaction? “Can you believe it? Who would do that?”

    Um. I would. I do. I’m a slut?

    I snorted green tea over your awesome friends, “we’re going shopping for a strap-on” line.

    So! Who do I talk to about sex? My old HS sweetheart. We talk about anything and everything. I’m sure you’ve visited Girl Boner today. You have the basics and the background if you read my comment.

    I would never have phone sex. Oh. Wait. We do that.

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Oh, the joys of phone sex… Good for you! If he can make it happen for you on the phone, he stands a much better chance of being able to make it happen for you in person. Just sayin’. He’s already played successfully with your biggest erogenous zone… your BRAIN!!!

      Sadly, the women who are least comfortable talking about sex are often the ones most in need of some frank speak. Who knows? Maybe they research quietly online where they can be anonymous and still get the sex advice they need. I know that’s the whole reason Ande Lyons created Bring Back Desire.

      Honestly, though, if I finished my growing up years in the Philippines, I’d probably be in the same boat as those women. Repressed and not doing anything to change my circumstance. It was all about “ladylike modesty” back then…

      • Gloria Richard Author says:

        Just so you know…

        We both make it happen for each other on the phone sex. Spectacular! The world doesn’t have to be fair, but if it is, we will deliver The Real Deal one of these days.

        It’s not simply the sex. We connect on many levels. Intellectually, emotionally, sexually. Am I in love with my first love? You bet. He owns a piece of real estate in my heart, and always will.

        I agree with you. My friends may simply be repressed by social convention. The one exception is the friend who surfaced the pulsating, hand-held shower head. Why bring it up if it didn’t truly raise her “ICK!” meter. If she was testing the sensuality pond, my reaction should have opened a saucy girl chat. It didn’t.

        If I hadn’t started following some of my favorite blogs (GO #GB!, GO, KITT!) [er…or, come…your choice] I would still be clueless about what a G-spot was, let alone where to find it.

        And, I wouldn’t feel empowered to admit I masturbate to anyone but my pillows and the aforementioned HS Sweetheart. He asks. I answer.

        Oh! Thought of an “I would never…”

        …have a threesome. Yup. Been there, done that — while on vacation decades ago with a girlfriend. We were both hot for a dude we met at the pool. So, unable to choose…

        Yes. I was drunk. No. I wouldn’t repeat the experience.

        (See how I snuck that one in on you?)

        • Kitt Crescendo says:

          You. Are. Awesome! As for ménage… Hey, adventure is adventure. 😀

          As for the shower head friend who freaked out… We’ve all got that one friend who is truly uptight about sex. It’s a shame some people never figure out that there is no shame in that god-given gift.

  4. Katie says:

    Well, here’s one I’ll unearth from the vault for this comment.

    I always said I’d never do anything sexual with a guy on the first date. How would he respect me afterwards?! I could never do anything so reckless with someone who’s a near stranger! Well, let me tell you. I’ve done it once, and I don’t think I’d ever do it again, but only because the whole thing was so shocking and humiliating.

    I was on a date with this guy, and we were having a pretty good time, talking and kissing every once in a while. We had gotten dinner and then we were going to this nice bar in the Gold Coast area, and that’s where it went downhill… I had about four martinis and puked in a garbage can right out on the street.

    We took a cab to a burrito restaurant where I had some chips and sobered up (a little). I can’t imagine why this guy WANTED to kiss me after that, or why I let him considering I hadn’t brushed my teeth, but he didn’t care and at the time, I didn’t either. When we went back to the car it was in the process of being TOWED, but my date was able to convince the driver not to.

    Once we’re in the car I get super ballsy (liquid courage), and I lean in and ask, “Can I see it?” in this baby voice.

    And in that car, parked out on the street, is where I became acquainted with my first (and only) uncircumcised penis. LOL!

    That’s my only tale of promiscuity, but I will never risk a blow job on a first date again. Who knows what might be waiting. (I wasn’t into it. We went out once more, but after that precedent, and with the mystery gone, it didn’t work out.)

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Ooh! Good one! I think most of us have said “I’ll Never…get too sexual on the first date”. I’m equally sure, like you, most of us broke that rule.

      So uncut is not for you? Good to know! LOL! The first time I saw one, I blinked a few times. It looked nothing like what I was accustomed to. It’s amazing the difference a little bit of foreskin can make (Not that there’s ANYTHING wrong with uncut penis…it just wasn’t something I had ever seen before.)

      • Katie says:

        Thanks! It’s a good one now. I’m kind of glad it’s the only one I have like that, because otherwise I’d have to seriously consider my life choices.

  5. Jessi Gage says:

    Great post, Kitt! You had me laughing about the porn viewing party. And the non-reason for why you’re a Dallas Cowboys fan! Nice tips. As always, you’re entertaining and educational.

  6. filbio says:

    Oh, I love all the open talk about sex on your blog Kitt. Seems many women are more open to discussing sex nowadays as most of my female friends do with me. My gal loves sex so there is nothing we won’t discuss. Still, it seems as if our country is very puritanical over sex talk and techniques.

    As a guy there are few things I would not try. We are all horndogs for sex. Once I became a male dancer back in the day all bets were off! (Gay sex is out for me – just not into other guys and see nothing appealing about it. That will always be a never.)

    Keep rockin’ the good fight Kitt!

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      I’m sure that when you were very young, there may have been a few “Nevers” in your vocabulary. I mean, it was before you knew better, right?

      As for gay sex…hey, it’s not for everyone…but does that rule out a prostate orgasm? Inquiring minds wanna know! 😉

  7. Charron's Chatter says:

    Coupla’ things: I’ve experienced the infamous—whoopsie! And yes, no one is buying that. Also: love the phraseology: “..put ‘us’ on the right path”…hoHOH!!!

    and wow. I should definitely come by here in the evening!

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      LOL! Why guys think we’ll buy that it really is a “whoopsie” is beyond me.

      Glad you enjoyed choice of wording, too! You know you’re always welcome to hang out, regardless of the time of day. 🙂

  8. Professor Taboo says:

    First and foremost Kitt, I must say BRAVO! These subjects are never talked about enough; well done! Adding some humor to it helps relax people too — so that could also aid in “anal play”, huh? 😉

    What have I done after having said “never”? My apologies for the forthcoming long comment, but you’ll soon see why.

    I determined with 100% certainty — and perhaps I should say 200% certainty — what my sexual orientation had been (and was?) since birth. In other words, I could easily SAY I was most definitely heterosexual. I could easily SAY I was not bisexual. But as I got into my late 30s and early 40s and into my open/BDSM lifestyles and hence much more open-minded, I ran into a genuine problem: authenticity to the ump-teenth power. What does that mean?

    Since becoming a full-fledged member of the alternative lifestyles, I began having to ‘explain’ myself and my choices to old friends, many of them conservative college friends, as to why I had made the changes. In doing this I found myself telling them “don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it at least twice, three-times for good measure!” They just had an extremely hardtime wrapping their heads around the reasons AND the benefits. That’s a defense often used by everyone, right? Well, for me that wasn’t good enough because of my conviction for deep authenticity.

    Having been in and among the alternative lifestyles for years, I sometimes got in to conversations with gay, bisexual, and lesbian friends about their orientations. I wanted to truly UNDERSTAND their perspective, their reasons, and their OWN explanations…not the explanations I would always get from “strictly” hetero people. Big big difference, right? After hearing hundreds of explanations and reasons, I realized I was a hypocrite!

    So Kitt, guess what I chose to do so that I could thoroughly understand, but more importantly thoroughly KNOW with certainty that I TRULY WAS heterosexual and could honestly say, “I can knock it if I choose to.” Yep. 🙂

    Getting back to your question of the post, I had always stated to anyone in high school or college that I would/could never be with a man (or in my later two experiences: a married couple) because since birth I’ve never EVER been sexually attracted to them in the least. Now I can say that without feeling like a hypocrite. LOL

    Whaam! There it is Kitt. 😉

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      You know… Having come to know you a little bit, I can’t say I’m surprised by your revelation. How can you truly “know” if you haven’t tried? You’re one of the few people who takes that statement literally. Kudos.

      In my experience, there are lots of straight men out there who are curious or have enjoyed a prostate orgasm, but not necessarily into men. Of course, if they weren’t opened minded, the experience would be completely off the table. 😉 It’s awesome to see men lose control that way.

      • Professor Taboo says:

        Thank you Kitt for the kudos, but you know…it ultimately isn’t and shouldn’t be a big hyper-sensitized deal — pleasure is pleasure, love is love. They both are oblivious to gender. I often think our eyes (perceptions) are heavily distorted or stigmatized by what/who we grow up around. Grrrrr. Furthermore, I must also be fair and objective today: those were ONLY two bisexual men (not an overly large population huh?), with their wives present who I demanded/begged be present so that I could “get through it” more easily… distracted. So you see, even doing that was still just getting my ‘toe wet in the pool.’ 😉

        Those “straight” men you speak of? This world could be WAY DIFFERENT if they would get-the-balls to get OUT of their self-created or socially imposed fears and REALLY try it (2 or 3 times minimum) before ‘knocking it’. That macho-testosterone-alpha act — especially with homophobia — is one huge reason I’ve actually come to enjoy MORE being among gay men at social gatherings & parties than straight men! God…there’s another “never” I thought I wouldn’t do or say. Hah! Look at me now! 🙂

        • Kitt Crescendo says:

          I agree. There shouldn’t be so many barriers to love and pleasure.

          And you’re right. If the guys I knew who enjoy what they do were more forthcoming, along with the rest who share their appreciation, maybe there wouldn’t be such a stigma.

          Isn’t it funny that it’s the “testosterone-alphas” that kind of hinder such open talk? No one in their right minds would’ve called the Spartan warriors anything but badass alphas…and those of us who have an affinity for history know that they were not at all shy about their “Greek” love. It simply was! Just goes to show how puritanical we’ve become.

          • Professor Taboo says:

            LOL…oh Kitt, you are SO SPOT ON about the Spartans and their ‘vast’ love; love for the sake of love, quality love, and not just tolerance but understanding of pure non-gendered love! Fantastic example!

            “Puritanical?” HAH! That’s putting it mildly & overly understated! LOL

          • Kitt Crescendo says:

            😉 Thought you’d appreciate that one, my friend. And after the movie 300 was made many of the “main streamers” became at least familiar with the warrior/heroes that were the Spartans…so I went for name recognition to bring the point across to anyone else who may read this… 😉

          • Professor Taboo says:

            Your point is well made and actually has another side to it!

            It is my humble opinion that the “macho-testosterone-alpha-Spartan” act is only required in one (perhaps two) extreme circumstances: war/combat. When all stoic humanely civil attempts have failed to ward-off lethal aggression & certain violent aggression, THEN the macho-testosterone-alpha-Spartan act is warranted. But seriously, is it needed any other times — besides role-playing in the BDSM lifestyle? 😉

          • Kitt Crescendo says:

            Well, I’ll say this… I think many of the “alphas” of today suffer from inferiority complexes that cause them to act in the manner referred to in the above comments. True “alphas” feel no need to prove how “alpha” they are. It’s simply another facet of their personality. They realize that being an asshat has nothing to do with how manly they are. They are usually very observant, kind and courteous. The “alpha” nature tends to come out when cruelty, injustice or danger comes….well, and in sports (including, but not limited to bed sports).

            Real Doms are usually better classified in this category. Wannabe’s…well, they’re the other guys. LOL!

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