I know, Bieber and Connery together is enough to make a person start to twitch, right? Believe me, that was my first reaction, too, when I google imaged the words “Never Say Never”. I mean, it’s not like the boy invented the words, right? They’ve been around longer than I’ve been born, and I was born many, many moons ago.
Then I started thinking…. Maybe the comparison was actually perfect for what I wanted to talk about today. Although the tabloids show “the boy who needs his hair combed” in a not so flattering light these days, he’s young. Immature. And he’s probably the perfect example of when, in youthful naiveté, we said “I’d NEVER do that…”
Everyone’s familiar with the everyday moments… But in the spirit of Youth v. Experience, why not make this a bit more interesting? Let me elaborate….
Think back. Remember back in the day when you were fairly innocent to the inner workings of sexuality and all you had to go on was whatever your parents or friends told you about sex, maybe a dirty magazine or two…and your imagination? Maybe you’d already caught sight of your first porn video and it left more questions than answer, but you knew it was pretty hot?
Hubby tells a story about how his older, wiser 8th grade brother (they’re 3 years apart) found his dad’s Debbie Does Dallas video. (Little sidebar—this is not the reason I became a Dallas Cowboys fan. The coincidence is strictly incidental.) His older brother, wily as he was, realized early that the best way to keep from getting caught when involved in hijinks was to make sure little brother was also knee deep into whatever mischief he’d created. So what happened this time? Big brothers and his buddies decided to have a viewing party. Included in this little party were hubby and one friend of his choosing.
As with most porn material, ejaculation was a big outward show, causing this conversation to occur:
Hubby’s Friend:Ewww! He’s peeing on her!
Hubby: Uh. Dude, that’s not pee.
Hubby’s Friend: Gross. What IS it, then?
Hubby: Shhhh! I’ll explain it to you later.
Yes, big brother and his friends were laughing. Yes, the poor friend was pretty darned shocked when the details were explained to him. Yes, this can also serve as a warning for WHY you want to talk sex with your children early and often. If you don’t, someone else will…and you may not like how it happens.
Why did I bring this up? Because, open book/wild child that I am now, I wasn’t always that way and I doubt you were, either. I definitely had some “I’ll Never Do That…” moments revolving around sex in my younger years.
I’ll Never…give a guy a blowjob. Yeah, yeah…. go ahead and laugh. But seriously, back in the day, I still remember talking to a guy friend of mine and saying “No way, No how, Not EVER!!!!” Why?
“Eww! They pee out of that thing!”
I know what you’re thinking… Since when has sex ever been sanitary, right? My whole thought process about blowjobs have gone well past the way of my naïve notions and headed straight down 007’s way — which is to say, I’m “down with it–both literally and figuratively. There’s a power and exhilaration in being able to draw such visceral responses from a lover. A few pointers to remember when giving head:
- Relax– If you’re tense, you’re more likely to trigger your gag reflex
- Breathe through your nose — Trick learned at the orthodontist’s office making my teeth molds. Breathe through the mouth=gagging and tears. Breathe through nose=no triggers.
- If you’re still having trouble, there are creams that can numb the parts of your mouth with the gag spots
- Some find that exhilaration can make for better oral. Be spontaneous! For me, this equates to road head. LOL!
Funny little tidbit….I didn’t really have any qualms about a guy going down on me. If he was willing to do so, more power to him…and I loved every moment. LOL! Obviously I fell off my high horse….but I don’t regret it!
I’ll Never… have anal sex. Ever. That was another shiny little tidbit from my youth that found me eating my words. My reasons? Very similar to the ones used regarding oral sex. Heck, it’s the poop hole! Of course they still applied! It didn’t even sound the slightest bit interesting. In fact, part of me wondered…”if someone shoves something up there, does it come out brown?” Hey, don’t laugh. It was an honest question.
I’ll even tell you my first foray into the whole experience wasn’t very fun! I mean, back then it wasn’t like people actually talked much about the “how to’s” of sex. Not nearly as candidly as many of us will today. Plus, that sort of thing simply DID. NOT. HAPPEN. in the romance novels I read. So it “couldn’t possibly” be a thing that anyone but gay men and porn stars did, right? WRONG!
I still remember a conversation I had with a gal pal of mine on the subject back in the day.
My Friend: So the boyfriend’s been begging to try anal with him.
Me: What did you say?
My Friend: I told him I’d only let him do it to me if he’d let me do it to him first.
Me: (laughing) So what happened?
My Friend: We’re going shopping for a strap-on this weekend.
Knowing what I do now about prostate orgasms, this may not have exactly been a hardship for him if she did it correctly. Of course, back then, I didn’t ask… The truth is, though I’d heard many of my gal pals threaten the same thing, she was the first one I knew who actually followed through. Most of the time the conversation was simply dropped.
After my first, not so auspicious, foray into back door play, it took me a while to be willing to try again. Still, it got me thinking…and doing more research. Unfortunately, erotic romances were still not readily available (or very good) during that time, but at least there was the internet. Also, pleasure parties were all the rage and the sales women were quite knowledgeable. And yes, I’ve backed down (ha!) from the “I’ll Never” point of view.
Anal sex can definitely be quite pleasurable for women…but we, like men, need to be prepared. Those of you who have read some of the fabulous erotic romances out there know that there are several universal truths:
- Make sure you have good, quality lube. Yes, there are some made specifically for anal sex (and some even have a numbing agent).
- Build up to it! Start with smaller anal plugs and work your way up to the bigger sizes.
- Have a candid conversation about it in advance so you’re both on the same page about “prep” (The last thing you want is someone who will just slide it in there with no prep or warning!)
- Guys- don’t pull the “Oops, it slipped into the wrong hole” stunt. First, you wouldn’t like it if it was done to you. Second, it destroys trust. Third, I’ve been told it hurts like an SOB!
- Breathe! And don’t force anything in…take your time!
There are more steps, but these will put you on the right path. Have you figured out why the two Never Say Never’s work well together now? Because one is the naive, “I’ll Never…” where we inevitably find ourselves backing down because the “I’ll Never…” was based on lack of knowledge, understanding and fear. The second? Well, you know the Mae West saying:
If after you’ve actually tried it, and you’re a bit more “seasoned”, you STILL decide to say “I’ll Never..” Well then, dagnabbit, you’ve earned the right. The one lesson I’ve got from all of this? “I’ll Never…” pretty much guarantees it’s going to happen.
What about you? What things were you absolutely positive that you’d never, ever try (preferably sexually speaking) that found you eating crow? C’mon…I’ve shared my awkward moments and tips with you…I’d love for you to share some of your own with me!