Imperfectly Perfect

Most writers are people watchers and I’m no exception. The only difference between me and some of my counterparts is that I’m a bit of a talker and social butterfly where some of my counterparts are a bit more reserved. What does this mean for me? Front row seat v. the sidelines. It also means that it’s not uncommon for me to be used as an advice giver, sounding board or just an empathetic ear.

After the loss of my friend at the end of last week, my introspective side kicked in. It seems like there have been two common threads in the dissatisfaction my friends have been expressing: Their inability to find the “perfect” significant other and/or how they weren’t “perfectly” happy in their sex life. You guys are astute. I know you picked up on the same thing I did. Perfect seems to be thrown around a lot.

As imperfect people that’s an awfully big word to be bandied about like that…. Nobody’s perfect. Not me. Not you. We’re all flawed….and those that are narcissistic enough to believe they’re perfect? They’re not exactly relationship material, are they?

So why do we get hung up on “Perfect”? Because, seriously…my friends weren’t the only ones that got caught up in the hype. Hello! It took me 16 years before “fully” committing to my relationship with my husband by getting married. He was my best friend. He’d do anything for me and me for him…except get married.

For a little while I was afraid that maybe my beloved romance novels had given me unrealistic expectations regarding relationships. But no. That wasn’t right. Anyone who’s read the “greats” knows the men and women aren’t perfect. They fight themselves, each other, their fears…plenty of conflict…but they find a way to make it to their happily ending.

But if not my romances, what?

unrealisticexpectations

Well, okay. Maybe not Disney in particular….just fairy tales. Think about it. Girl somehow becomes a damsel in distress, in need of a rescue. The hero who rides in always looks perfect, knows what to say and wears the perfect clothes. He IS perfect. The conflict is always caused by some outside evil source that he vanquishes with a flourish….and the moment ends with the perfect happily ever after kiss. Right?

There is no accidental going in too fast for that kiss only to have your teeth smack against each other… Or someone bobs when they should have weaved and the heads get knocked together…. Or you step in and right onto the hero/heroine’s foot, Yeah…Never happens.

As for the sex…. The assumption would be that guys are the only ones who have this complaint, right? Wrong. I saw a funny clip a few days back and wondered how I was going to share it with you guys. Turns out I didn’t have long to wait. It’s a great fit for today’s post.

In porn, sex happens all over the place…often incidentally and with strangers. In fact, a friend shared something she saw the other day and I couldn’t help but crack up!

Porn

What you never see in porn are some of the stories some of my friends and I have laughed about. You know….getting so hot and sweaty with your partner that you’ve basically stuck to each other…and when you go to separate there’s a big suction “pop” sound that has you rolling with laughter. Or deciding to get all hot and racy with a partner after a day on the beach with a lover only to find out tanning oil and satin sheets don’t always go so well together as you slide onto the bed…and keep sliding…right into the bedside table.

Or maybe it’s the exhausted sex after a long day…where it’s just a relief and a release of tension. Not spectacular, but not bad. The imperfection could be caused by *gasp* a lack of orgasm. Maybe sex was initiated but fatigue and stress cause a lack of aroused response from the man in the relationship. How’s that possible? Isn’t that all men think of???? (For those of you who may not know me well…insert sarcasm here.)

So much perfection we’re expected to live up to…. Unrealistic perfection. Me? It took me a while to figure out that the hot, spicy, romantic gestures and feelings are cyclical. That much of that IS based on what we get in fairy tales and the like… What hit me over the head is when I started to notice it was a cycle. The things that never changed? The fact that the guy sitting patiently next to me was my very best friend. He knew me inside and out….and I knew him. More importantly, we loved and accepted each other just the way we were…flaws and all. The reality is, when I looked harder, I found that those flaws were almost custom made to match mine. Which made us imperfectly perfect for each other. Does he buy me roses every day and massage my feet? No. But he finds recipes he thinks I’d enjoy and makes me dinner. He’ll be at the grocery store and see Pepperidge Farm is having a BOGO on Milano cookies and will pick some up because he knows I love them. We’ll sit down to watch tv and I’ll scratch his back because I know he enjoys that. I’ll hold off watching something on the DVR till he gets home because it’s more fun to watch it together.

As for the sex…guys aren’t the only ones these days that have unrealistic expectations. Sometimes ours come from books, sometimes from porn. Either way there are things we do to one another that undermine the ability to have great sex.

Examples? Many women simply don’t talk to their men about it. They take it, they fake it…then they either don’t talk about it at all…or they complain to their friends about it. Here’s a sad truth about that… Ladies, if the women you’re complaining to have significant others, chances are that the conversation didn’t just stay between you and your friend. If their partner is friends with yours…guess who has heard about your complaints? Although we don’t acknowledge it often, guys have feelings, too. They are capable of being hurt. And before we get up on our high horse and say something about their egos…imagine how you would feel if someone important to you said you sucked in bed. Yeah. Major ouch. Guys, before you think you’re out of the woods on this one….You’re just as bad as we are, so the same thing applies to you!!!

The truth is, not every guy is uber experienced. In fact, it wasn’t until a little later in my relationship that I found out my husband, then boyfriend, was a bit intimidated by me and my experience. Sure, I was a virgin when we got together…but that was about the only think I hadn’t done…and multiple times. I assumed that because he’d had sex before (with one other girl) that HE was more experienced. After that conversation, I’ve tried never to assume again. We talk.

If communication lines are open it’s amazing how rarely misunderstandings happen. It’s also a great way to teach your partner what you like…. And you know what else? Sex is messy…and physical…so it stands to reason that there are going to be funny, goofy moments! Enjoy them! Laughter is sexy, too…not to mention healing.

Bottom line…before rushing to “perfection”….take a second. Look closely at whatever it was you were about to complain about. Is it your perception of what should be that has you bothered or is it something truly wrong? Sometimes, if you look closely enough you’ll find there’s something pretty amazing in the imperfections.

What do you think? Do you think I’m crazy for thinking this way? It’s okay to share… I’m comfortable in my crazy. Have you found beauty in imperfection? Tell me about it!

Me? I’ve embraced my imperfection… It’s made life so much more enjoyable!

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48 thoughts on “Imperfectly Perfect

  1. filbio says:

    You hit this one right on the head, or should I say, hard on!

    None of us are perfect. I think most people know that. When we can accept ours and our partners imprefections only then can we truly love ourselves, and each other. Personally, I find imperfections to be endearing, and charming at times. Lord knows my gal wants to strangle me at times over some of mine, but just as your guy does the little things that make you happy I do the same, and vice versa. We shouldn’t complain or find fault in one’s imperfections. We are all different, and again, no one is perfect. People who think they are perfect seem to have the most glaring imperfections to me.

    Hey, many of us enjoy watching porn, and use it for stimulating entertainment, but that’s all it is. It’s not reality. Sure, we can mimic some of the things they do and have fun trying some of the stuff in the films, but we know it’s all staged and mostly faked. Still, nothing like having fun with your partner trying!

    I’m like you in that I’m very social and a people watcher. I like to chat people up and experience new things. I ran in a Warrior Dash this past weekend which I blogged about. With close to 9000 people there it was prime people watching as it had many participants to see and talk to from all walks of life.

    I embrace my crazy too. It makes me who I am. It makes life fun.

  2. Tameri Etherton says:

    Oh man! I’m laughing so hard over that video. Food will never look the same to me (I’m ruined for bananas and nutella FOREVER). Great points all around, Kitt. It took me ages to realize that my husband was perfectly flawed and that’s what made him perfect for me. Our flaws actually compliment each other and we totally get one another, which confuses a lot of people. Just the way I like it. 🙂

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Exactly! When the flaws match and compliment each other you have a match made in heaven. 😀

      I cracked up over the nanners and Nutella, too. The whole thing just made me smiley. 🙂

  3. August McLaughlin says:

    “before rushing to “perfection”….take a second. Look closely at whatever it was you were about to complain about. Is it your perception of what should be that has you bothered or is it something truly wrong? Sometimes, if you look closely enough you’ll find there’s something pretty amazing in the imperfections.”

    Amen to that! Our quirks and “flaws” are what make us unique. I love you even more for posts like this. 🙂

  4. blowingoffsteamandmore says:

    Totally agree with August McLaughlin above about that quote, specifically, ” Is it your perception of what should be that has you bothered or is it something truly wrong?” I think these days the lines are getting more and more blurred between reality and fantasy (i.e. realty television, etc.) and people are so consumed with what they think should make them happy that they miss what is actually making them happy! I read the 21 Things Porn Has Taught Me list to my husband and we were laughing out loud. Thanks!

  5. Emma says:

    That pop sound! Ha ha. Sometimes that can be embarrassing but you just have to laugh. Sex is meant to be fun. I always think of Rob Lowe in St Elmo’s Fire telling Wendy something to that effect.

  6. Tammy Bleck says:

    LOVED this post! The only ones I am perfect to are my furry family friends. Which might be a reason why I often prefer their company. Loved the porn lessons. Still giggling!

  7. ramblingsfromamum says:

    The porn lessons- hysterical. Yup we all have flaws,sometimes to embarrassing to laugh about..there’s that quiet silence…did he notice my front bum make that noise? I’m standing tall and saying I’ve ‘been stuck..I’ve been there with the noise’..now I can’t shut my laughing up if anything happens..just move it along..all will be well. Now I’m blushing and running with my hands between my legs in case I wet myself argghhhh!

  8. Professor Taboo says:

    Excellent funny post Kitt! Thoroughly enjoyed it, particularly the British porn sex vs real sex video and (British?) facts! Hah! But I’m QUITE SURE the American “sex facts” would be a little more…umm, dismal? And I’m basing my personal opinion after watching “Our America – With Lisa Ling” and her 3-4 hour-long episodes investigating open/swinger sex, BDSM, and polygamy/polyamory with the ‘feedback’ she and the Oprah network received — much of it retaliatory. LOL Fantastic informative investigative journalism by Ling by the way!

    I have always enjoyed “wide-open” sex and sexual encounters; Come What May sort of stuff! I don’t want to miss out on ANY of it; any style, any length, any location! Why? I simply don’t have the DNA wiring for 1-dimensional expression. 😉

    Many thanks for the laughs this morning Kitt!

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Glad I made you laugh. As for the sex facts, no idea if they were simply British or global. Regardless, found the presentation uproariously hilarious….and educational. I’ll have to check out the Lisa Ling thing.

      Me… I’ve never gone for perfect with sex. I just want real…and the entire spectrum of emotions that goes with it. Heck, some of the hottest sex are angry & make up. There are so many ways to have variety in one’s sex life. The key is to figure out which varieties work for you. 😉

  9. Debra Kristi says:

    You nailed it! Yes, I did go there. Slap my hand. But seriously, very well thought out and presented. We should love ourselves for all our imperfections, they make us who we are – unique and special. As for the video, like Tameri, I may never view food the same way again.

  10. Jackie Cangro says:

    I just came over from Susie’s party. This is a great line: “I’ve embraced my imperfection… It’s made life so much more enjoyable!” So true!
    My mom always said that there is a lid for every pot, meaning that there is someone out there who will love you as you are. Maybe the other person sees your imperfections as just perfect. 🙂

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Thank you, Jackie! I smiled when I read what your mom always said about pot lids (especially since I seem to be constantly losing mine). 😉 I truly believe that the right people DO love you for your imperfections. It’s the only explanation I can think of as to why I adore my husband despite the fact that he’ll deliberately mispronounce words just to get under my skin. (I find it entertaining coming from him)

  11. susielindau says:

    That video is hilarious!
    Great points. I guess I have always considered myself so far from perfect, I have never expected it from those around me.
    Thanks for bringing this to the party and for spreading the word!

  12. Yatin says:

    Hey, we connected during Susie’s last blog party & have been following since then.:)
    I like your articulation using pron example!!
    I’d rather be imperfectly perfect than perfectly imperfect!! 🙂

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      We did, didn’t we? I’m with you on the Imperfectly Perfect v. the opposite. I’ve been following you, too, by the way…Just been caught up in finishing my edits on my manuscript. I promise, once it’s done I’ll be more attentive to the blogs I follow. 🙂

  13. Pleun says:

    I had never see the comparison of Disney and porn with guys and girls respectively before. That is soooo true! Interesting post, I think you said it perfectly!

  14. The Guat says:

    Dude. What a good post. I love the fact that you embrace your imperfections and that your dude sees you and loves you as you are. It took me some time to accept my own imperfections. But I love them now, they crack me up. I used to strive for those perfect love relationship moments and now I realize that’s not me, but I’m good with it. My favorite line … “I found that those flaws were almost custom made to match mine.” Nice!

    And that porn list totally cracked me up! Thanks for the laughs.

    So glad I found you at Susie’s Party again. 🙂

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