Ever feel like the blog gods are trying to tell you something? The last couple of days have felt that way to me. It started innocuously enough… With a pic from a dirty minded friend to my FB page. The pic?
I know, you’re now wondering exactly what message the blog gods were sending, aren’t you? No, this isn’t a lesson on anal admiration, though I’d be happy to write one if ya’ll have a real interest in it…or if that bee flies into my bonnet one random day. If you’re wondering what the heck a rim job is, email me privately or message me on FB or Twitter. We’ll take that one offline, but I’m happy to explain. I hate leaving someone with more questions than answers. It’s practically my civic duty to educate and enlighten my blog buddies on sex manners, dontcha know… 😉
My next sign happened in my gal pal, Sandra Bunino’s FB book group. The initial question was simple… “Genre-wise, what’s your go to?” My answer wasn’t shocking to anyone who has read my book or hung out on this blog. I said that I liked erotic romances, and lately my preferences have been toward the ménage and elements of BDSM. But, as it tends to happen when I’m involved, it didn’t stop there. There was a follow up question.
“How hardcore do you like your BDSM (to read)?”
The question was then qualified further by asking if my leanings were toward D/s stories (Dominant/submissive for those of you who don’t know the jargon) or the S & M side (Sadism & Masochism). Somehow, in my mind, this translated to limits. Yes, I’ve done a post discussing different kinks and that they’re different from one person to the next. Limits are different.
So, we’re back to the above picture… I have a close friend who read my manuscript for my second book when it was in it’s rougher stages. There was an anal scene in which part of the preparation for one of the characters included a rim job (Okay, so maybe if you didn’t know what it meant before, you may be starting to get the picture and won’t need to contact me…hehe!). This particular friend was a bit squicked out. It wasn’t her cup ‘o’ tea. It was not sexy in her mind. In fact, she found it pretty gross and unsanitary (although I’d argue that nothing about sex is sanitary). I can also say with a fair amount of certainty that she’s also never experienced it. For HER, that’s a limit.
That’s not a limit at all for me, but I respect it. I also understood pretty quickly that she’s more mainstream when it comes to what she enjoys reading. It made me realize from a writing perspective that I had to consider that a scene like that may alienate a certain type of reader and I’d have to be okay with that. It also reminded me from a personal/sexual perspective, everyone has limits. They deserve to be respected.
On to the discussion in the book group… My limits come from my background in the medically related field. I’m not into any sort of fluid play. No golden showers. No scat. No blood play. To me, those are too dangerous. Due to some personal histories, I’m also aware that breath play and capture/rape scenarios are more than likely going to be triggers for me. By trigger I mean I can’t be a part of this sort of scene. Not as the perpetrator. Certainly not as a recipient. In fact, it’s probably safe for all involved if I step away from even viewing these scenes. Although these are all hard limits for me, they are hard limits for different reasons.
Why am I telling you guys this? Because it’s important to understand that when you choose to explore the various pleasures the world has to offer with your partner, there need to be safety precautions or boundaries, if you will. The most important thing, no matter what aspect of the spectrum you decide to explore, is that you and your partner need to communicate openly and honestly. You need to know and respect each other’s boundaries. This is often considered “negotiating a scene.”
There are some things you’re going to know immediately that you never want to try. For some people that can be anything that involves pain. Some people translate pain differently and may need the pain to enhance their pleasure. If it’s pretty strong on the pain threshold, they’re more than likely masochists. One who gains sexual enjoyment from supplying that need to them? They’re sadists. Keep in mind, most sadists and masochists are not the “sick puppies” portrayed in crime drama tv.
Also, just because someone likes erotic spanking or exploring with impact toys like floggers, whips, paddles, etc. doesn’t mean they fall into the S & M side of BDSM. There are always levels. Again, communication becomes key. Why? Because maybe you’ve shown that you enjoy spanking, but are iffy about impact instruments…those might find yourself in the maybe list (aka. I’ll try it once, twice if I like it).
Other people are completely turned off by any kind of physical pain, but prefer to simply hand over their power to their partner (aka power exchange) or maybe bondage is the turn on, or sensory deprivation, or multiple partners, or exhibitionism, or voyeurism…. See what I’m getting at? The options for exploration and discovery are endless….as long as open and honest communication is happening.
The other HUGELY IMPORTANT factor? Before you go exploring, you NEED a safe word. I can’t stress this enough. Why? Because even if you trust each other implicitly, things can go wrong. Like what? Well, say there’s a repressed memory of some sort…some of these kinds of play may trigger that memory and cause a fight or flight response or worse, a panic attack. Your partner might be completely unaware you’re having this reaction, but you can stop the whole thing with one word. Or if you’re both new to play, your partner may not realize you’re hurt (and not in a pleasurable way). You say the word, they know to stop. It’s a safety precaution.
Some of the important things to communicate to your partner before you play in this manner? Any physical injuries that could be a problem, any traumatic childhood events, if you suffer from things like panic attacks or PTSD (and, if you know them, what triggers it), anything that causes a negative visceral reaction. This gives your partner a good idea of what NOT to do to ruin your playful bedroom (well, not literally…it can happen anywhere) experiments. Maybe you need help figuring out what you may find acceptable or not… There are lists that can help open those communication lines (not to mention give you an idea of all the MANY areas open for exploration).
The whole purpose of the exploration is to have fun with your partner while building intimacy. This also means that it’s just as important to communicate the positive experiences before, during, or after play with your partner so that you guys know what’s working and which rabbit hole to dive into further.
So, now it’s question time… Have there been areas you’ve heard/read about that you’ve been dying to try but a bit nervous to tell your partner? Are there terms I used that had you scratching your head and wondering what I’m talking about? Are there scenes you’ve read in a book and had no idea what it meant but were too embarrassed to ask? Anything you’ve read that you’ve found out of bounds? Ya’ll know me. I’m an open book and willing to talk about anything… (Plus, the writer in me is always dying of curiosity.) Spill it!
FYI– anyone who is truly into most alternative lifestyles including BDSM believe in the importance of “Safe, Sane & Consensual”… it’s one of the reasons it’s important to set a safe word and communicate.