We all have those awkward moments when parents go rogue and get a little TMI or do something completely unexpected that leaves your jaw dragging on the floor, right?
Mine happened after my bridal shower while we were sitting around a table with one of my mom’s co-workers and her daughter (both whom I’d just met that day), my aunt, my cousin, and my sister.
It all started innocently enough with my sister telling us how she’d accidentally worn CFM pumps to church and nearly face planted when the heel stuck in the carpet and how difficult they were to walk in. She hadn’t realized when she’d bought them that they were that high or what CFM (Come Fuck Me) stood for in the first place…until her friend saved her from the disastrous fall and told her what those kinds of shoes were called.
We were all laughing when my mom, who apparently owned the same pair of shoes, decided to throw in her $.02 and tell us all that she’s never had any issues with her heels and that my step-dad loved it when she wore them to bed.
On the one hand, mom deserves a fist bump and a, “You go get you some!”
On the other? She’s my mom and I needed to scrub my imagination.
Then today, this Kelly Clarkson Show video caught my attention.
Although this story was hilarious, it reminded me of an old classmate of mine from early high school. You see, Paul had a HUGE crush on my mom. To the point that his 14 year old self had decided he needed to marry her.
And he took it a step further.
He, in front of me and several of our other friends, walked up to another parent who was good friends with my mom and asked, “Mr. B. do you think I’d make a good step-dad?”
The boy was serious. (And I was seriously dying because 1. my mom has NEVER been into boys. 2. that took guts. And 3. I was older than him by a year and was never gonna be calling that kid dad.)
In my new book, A Way With Words, one of our heroes, Drew, has an outrageous mom, too, so I thought I’d share a little excerpt.
“I…” Drew said between gasps and howls. “Just..realized…something! Haha!”
Ty snickered as he watched Drew wiping tears from his eyes. “What’s that?”
“My mom’s gonna be so jealous!” Drew roared. “She’s gonna think I stole her man!”
“Are you serious?” Ty was grinning.
Drew sucked in a deep breath and tried to steady his giggles. “I’d say as a heart attack, but after the last ER visit, I’d rather none of us had to be in the vicinity of that place.” He smirked at Ty, then grimaced at the cramp in his side. “She called dibs on you the day she met you, years ago. Of course, back then I’m pretty sure she had no idea that I’d be her prime competition, not that I think she’d care. Hell, she may get a little awkward. You remember her tendency to overshare, right?”
Suddenly his humor had dried up as he pictured the awkward, way-too-detailed-for-any-son’s-comfort advice the woman tended to dole out. Shit. He had no doubt she was going to be fine with everything, but if the woman started giving him lube advice or asking Ty kinky questions no mom should ask, he was going to die. Hell, he should probably warn Kalina. He just knew his mom was going to ask her if she enjoyed being the meat in a man sandwich or some such. Ugh. He loved the woman, but she had no filter. He was under no delusions that he came by that trait honestly.
Ty’s face lit up. “Relax! We can handle your mom. Hell, I love that woman.” He winked at Drew. “If I were into cougars, I might have taken her up on her teasing eons ago.”