What the Dirty Mind Projects…

If it doesn’t sound familiar to you, good on ya.

Me? I practically wrote that book. I’d apologize, but I’m pretty sure no one would believe I was being sincere.

It’s not like I go out of my way… These opportunities just fall into my lap. I mean, have you ever really listened to announcers for sporting events? I do. And half of what they say is outright naughtiness. And, of course, me being me…I share it on FB or Twitter. Of course, if you’re my friend or follower on either of these formats, I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know.

I can’t be the only one, right? Those play-by-play guys sound completely pervy?

The knack for finding naughty in the midst of all things innocent is a gift…and happened again the other day at work. Because it happens so often I thought nothing of it until a couple days ago when this happened:

Co-worker: I got a new keychain.

Me: Cool!

Co-worker: Don’t act so surprised. It’s all your fault.

Me: Huh?

Co-worker: Ever since you made that comment about my old one, I can’t un-see it! Plus, I had a tendency to flick it which just made it that much worse.

Me: (laughing hilariously) So what you’re saying is I wasn’t wrong…

Of course, she didn’t comment on that. Well, unless you count when another co-worker mentioned her getting a new key chain which had her blaming me again and telling the other co-worker what I’d told her. The other peer’s response? “Of course she said that….”

You all tell me…

When you look at the above keychain, would you say something like, “Oh how cute! It’s a mini-flogger keychain!” Especially if it were red leather and the person holding it kept snapping her wrist and making the falls dance….?

Sadly, I then had to explain what the word flogger meant…she understood whip better (or maybe I should say ‘worse’). Of course, part of me found that kinda fun, too. Wouldn’t you if you were me?

Obviously I’m still way too entertained by this whole thing, but it had me wondering. When people say “we always have that one friend who…” I know the next part of that statement as it pertains to me will have something to do with either my grammar fetish or my dirty mind. What do people say about you? And what have you ruined for someone else that left you completely amused?

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Power Of A Name

Ever have someone ask you something and the first thing that comes to mind is…”that’s an epically bad idea?” That’s what happened to me this week, and it was all around names.

Who knew I could have such a visceral reaction to something so simple?

But it makes sense, right? I mean, names help to define who we are expected to be by the world as well as who we feel we can become, right?

And as writers, haven’t there been characters you’ve agonized over, trying to find just the right name to suit their appearance and their temperament?

So what name set me in such a tailspin it shoved me back onto my blog (which I’ve missed, by the way, and I’ll go into where I’ve been another day)? The name Judas. One of my sweet co-workers asked me what I thought of that name for a little boy.

I admit it. I was pretty horrified.

Me: Why would you do that to a child?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Do you have any idea of the connotations behind that name?

(She gave me that confused head tilt thingie that all dogs have down pat when they hear strange noises)

Her: Huh?

Me: Dude, Judas betrayed Jesus and got him killed! For 30 pieces of silver.

Male Co-worker chimes in: I think it’s a cool name.

Her: (looks over at me) She’s right, though.

Guy: But who was Jesus back then? A nobody. Why should he have cared? It was for money.

Me: (gasping in shock) Uh…even if you think back then Jesus was a nobody (and I definitely had no plans of getting into a deep theological discussion with two kinds I suspected weren’t very versed in that subject or history), he was supposed to be one of his best friends. They were together non-stop for 3 years! And he betrayed that friendship for 30 pieces of silver.

Her: That’s true. They were best friends.

Me: And, he felt so shitty afterwards that he committed suicide. Why would you want to put all that on a kid? Don’t you know that even to this day, when someone calls someone Judas they’re calling the person a traitor? And that happened a long time ago.

I didn’t even go into how much more time had passed compared to Benedict Arnold’s and how the negative connotations never disappeared.

As I thought back on that chat I got to thinking about all the effed up names out there. And I’m not just talking some of the sillier ones celebs come up with like Apple, etc. I mean, a good friend of mine in healthcare was telling me that she’d seen several people come in and write this ‘La-a’ one admission paperwork for their little ones. Unsure how to pronounce, she asked and was told (with a look telling her they thought she was stupid) “It’s La-dash-a!”

Am I the only one not cool enough to know that the proper words for punctuation marks are now to be part of the name?

And what names do you feel give bad juju anyone with the misfortune of having it? Are there certain names you feel predestine people for questionable career choices? And are there ones you absolutely love? How did you get your name? I’d love to hear from you!

Wink, Wink…Holiday Healthy Eating Habits (Humor)

Okay…. I live in Florida, so dietary health restrictions are hardly unheard of. Add the fact that my stepdad has a gluten intolerance…and so many people have gone on all sorts of different health kick diets that this one just tickled my funny bone! Let’s be real… In this day and age this could totally happen!

C’mon…. Ya’ll know it was hilarious. The humor is right up my tongue-in-cheek alley.

 

Scared-y Kitt

Everyone has irrational fears. For some it’s spiders or maybe snakes. Others have fears of heights or tight spaces. Not me. Don’t laugh. Some of you may even remember from a prior post explaining the many varied reasons for this fear, but my irrational fear comes from these guys…

Frog

They seem innocent enough, but I’m telling you… It’s a trick. They are truly out to get me and they’ve decided this weekend to get more aggressive in their campaign to make me lose my mind. Like the things I wrote about in my prior post weren’t enough? At least back then it was spaced out over years!

What happened? Yesterday evening I decided to do something nice for hubby and get him some ice cream from the home made ice cream shop down the way. I had barely stepped out to my front walk up when frogs began dive bombing me from above! I admit it. I screamed bloody murder…then opened the door and told hubby he needed to get his butt out there to remove them. As my heart threatened to palpitate out of my chest I was grateful for one thing. Their bad aim. Thankfully, this time they were close, but no cigar.

I know what you guys are thinking. Kitt, that was one isolated incident. Right? Wrong!!!!

This afternoon, it was pouring out. Hubby, who is off today, decided to come with me as we took our girls out for their potty break. He grabbed the umbrella and stepped past our walk up to open it…and it started raining frogs from under The umbrella. I’m just glad I was standing at the door and not under that umbrella or I would’ve probably fainted, knocked my head on the concrete floor and had to be rushed to the ER with a bloody head and a concussion. It would have been horrible.

At least these particular frogs don’t seem to have the timing of the frog we discovered on our trip home from the airport after the Bahamas back in April. That tenacious MF’er didn’t show itself until we were going 80 mph down I-4. There I was, sitting peacefully in the car, relaxed and looking forward to seeing my girls in a couple of hours when this green, slimy thing works it’s way up from under the top front part of our hood and onto our windshield. Squealing like an utter sissy I start stuttering and babbling about the freaking frog on the window!!! (Seriously? Those suction cup thingies on that little terrorist’s fingers must be incredibly strong to withstand that kind of speed and maintain it’s position.)

Of course, hubby has to be the calm, rational one and say, “Kitt! Calm down. The frog’s on the OUTSIDE of the car.”

Please, like something as small as details are going to make a difference when there’s a Fracking FROG moving across a windshield of our car that’s going 80 mph? Seriously…it headed deliberately across the front of the car toward the side mirror on the driver’s side. Yes, hubby had to tell me to stop hyperventilating even as he admired the strength and tenacity of my little foe. He didn’t seem to appreciate that WE WERE UNDER ATTACK!!!!!

As if taking pity on me, he offered to roll the window down to flick the beastie off our vehicle. I nearly gave myself whiplash shaking my head in denial. Hell no!!! Can you imagine if the thing accidentally got flung INTO the car? I’d die!!!! No thanks.

Fortunately, between changing lanes and using the tool inside the car to turn the mirrors, the beast was expelled from our vehicle. Relief may have been too mild a description for how I was feeling. It’s a good thing love means not laughing your butt off at the hysteria of your partner because if he’d have laughed then, I might have killed him.

Am I aware that my fear is irrational? Sure. Does it matter one bit? Hell no! Now it’s your turn to share. What causes irrational fear in you? Any stories to share? Don’t leave me hangin’ here!

Hey Ditty Ditty – A Request From Jenny Hansen

My friend, Jenny Hansen, posted an Undie Chronicle on More Cowbell yesterday regarding Panty-O and kegel panties. Yes. They DO exist.

pantyo-vertAs usually happens on Jenny’s blogs, funny, quirky conversation ensued… Of course I participated. Here’s what I said and Jenny’s response. :

Kitt Crescendo says:

So how strange is it that these kegel panties had me thinking Night Court and Dan Fielding? This sort of thing seemed right up his alley. LOL!

As there are people that walk around with plugs in even more delicate places down south, I’m pretty sure you’d be able to survive the Panty-O fitness regime if you chose to create one for you. I’m also positive that there are a bunch of us on here who would be happy to create little reminder ditties for you…;-)

  • ROFLMAO!!! Do create a reminder ditty. Please, please do.

    I’m a little frightened by this Night Court analogy, but I guess, it’s better Dan than the bailiff…

So of course, when she challenged me to write a ditty, I couldn’t resist. Here are a couple songs I made to encourage Jenny to put on these panties.

The first one goes to the tune of Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, I’ve included the original.

Itsy Bitsy Plastic Thingie

She was afraid to come out of the bathroom,
She was as nervous as she could be.
She was afraid to come out of the bathroom
She was afraid of the work out panty.

1 – 2- 3- 4
Tell the people what she wore!

It was an itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
She had to squeeze
As she went through her day.
An itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
So in the bathroom
She wanted to stay.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4
Stick around, we’ll tell you more!

She was afraid it would feel very awkward,
So she almost put it in a drawer.
She was afraid it would feel very awkward
But she wore them and went for the door.

1 – 2 – 3 -4
Tell the people what she wore!

It was an itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
She had to squeeze
As she went through her day.
An itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
Her lady bits
Would get stronger each day.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4
Stick around we’ll tell you more!

Now she’s afraid to be seen out in public
And I wonder what she’s gonna do.
She’s afraid to be seen out in public
But maybe others are wearing them, too.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4
Tell the people what she wore!

It was an itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
She had to squeeze
As she went through her day
An itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
I cheered her on
With a hip hip hooray!

From the bathroom to the drawer,
From the drawer to the door,
From the door to out in public
And now her girl bits are sore.

But wait! I’m not done! Just in case she didn’t like this one, I created another one….to the tune of  YMCA… and since Natalie was so kind as to point out to Jenny that she’d already “gone there” with a post, I thought it only right I include her in the song, too. 😉

Now everyone’s familiar with this song, but it’s fun, so I’m posting it anyway….

Kegels Each Day

Jenny,
Don’t let your girl parts down.
I said Jenny,
Uterus off the ground.
I said Jenny,
There are panties around
That can help you fix this problem.
Jenny,
There’s a place you can go
I said Jenny,
If you’ve got enough dough.
You can buy them
And I’m sure you will find
Use them
They’ll be worth ev’ry dime.

Chorus:
It’s always fun to do
Kegels each day.
It’s always fun to do
Kegels each day.
They will strengthen your “P”
You might even enjoy
The side benefits with your boy.
It’s always fun to do
Kegels each day.
It’s always fun to do
Kegels each day.
You can squeeze yourself strong
While you’re having a meal.
You can squeeze whenever you feel.

Jenny,
Are you list’ning to me?
I said Jenny,
What do you want to see?
I said Jenny,
You can buy some with bling
But you’ve go to wear this one thing.
Jenny,
You’re not all by yourself
I said Jenny,
Nat’s got some on her shelf
So just order
From the Panty-O Store
I’m sure they would love to help more.

Back up to Chorus

Jenny,
This is better than shoes
I said, don’t be
Down and out with the blues.
You can fix this,
Bring your girl parts to life
Wear them when you go for a drive.
That’s how
You will start to believe
I said Jenny,
You will no longer grieve
You’ll be thankful
You found something to do
Made your lady bits feel brand new.

Back up to Chorus

So now you’ve seen my little ditties. But I know you guys… You’re all a ton of fun and a bit quirky. I want to see what kind of ditties you come up with! Time to put those creative minds to action and join in the fun and silliness… Don’t leave me hangin’ guys! 😉

How’d You Find Me?

Ever take a moment to look into your Blog Stats? Usually the only ones I pay attention to are the milestones like the 300th post, the anniversaries, etc. After a look at mine, I came to one conclusion. If I were to go by mine I’d be concerned about my deviant one tracked mind. Although I like to think that my posts are pretty diverse and eclectic, it became very clear based on my results that sex sells….

Sexy Imagination

When I first started blogging The Foraging Photographer created a poem post using the search stats that led people to her page. I thought it was pretty neat, but hadn’t really been around long enough to have anything interesting to share.

Then my buddy Phil from The Regular Guy NYC blog did a hilarious post on what his Spam Box means to him. When I told him that I usually delete my spam box immediately once I filter out the non-spam posts that might have gotten caught in the net, he told me I was missing a golden opportunity. Eh, he may be right…but he has no idea what search words lead people to my blog…LOL!

Having said that, I thought I’d share some of the searches that have led folks to me since I opened this blog last year in August:

Household sex toys -310 (lots of different variations of the words…and if you add gender specific to men/women, add another 20)

School Sexy – 136 times (Is it just me or does this imply that either schools are sexy or that folks are into sexy school aged kids? I’m hoping maybe it was the whole “catholic schoolgirl uniform” thing and not an interest in the young ‘uns.)

Sexy Older Men – 68 times (Self explanatory…really.)

Attitude Reflects Leadership – 59 times (One of the best quotes from Remember The Titans.)

Erotic Shaving – 19 times (Hey, this can be a lot of fun. Somehow I think this may be tied to my post about “grooming”)

The 5 Strangest ones?

zoophilia -Sex with animals? Seriously? Wow. I don’t even know what this has to do with my blog or what post it may have led them to.

I wish I was a young beautiful sexy Vulcan female with a sexy Vulcan English accent -I didn’t realize Vulcans had English accents, but hey, it’s all good.

woman said shave me bald for sex –I’m completely unsure about the context on this one. Was the woman asking to be shaved bald? If so, did she mean down below? (gosh, I hope so.) Or was she telling her guy the only way she’d have sex with him was if he got shaved bald? If so, which part of the anatomy was she talking about? Inquiring minds wanna know!

sexy talk with my aunty -This is just plain creepy.

can you suck nipples with braces -Although I suspect I know what this person means, I am choosing to misunderstand and wonder why this person’s nipples have braces. 😉

So which blog posts do these connect to? Here are the top 5.

Common Household Items Making Playtime FUN! (893 views)

Need Some Old School Sexy? (399 views) -Oddly enough, this has nothing to do with schools.

Sexy Older Men? Yes, Please! (325 views)

“Attitude Reflects Leadership” And Other Life Lessons (262 views)

Sexy Men Of HGTV (179 views)

The honorable mention goes to one of my personal favorite posts… Awkward Emergencies And Other Hilarious Moments with 155 views.

Having said that, I figured I’m in a “Sharing the love” kind of mood. In the comments, feel free to leave a link to the most popular post to your blog…and I’d really enjoy hearing about some of the searches that have lead to you (I don’t care if it’s your most unusual or most popular).

So have at it! Share what’s drawn people to you.

My Battle With The Foot In Mouth Disease

My fantastically funny friend, Gloria Richard wrote a post yesterday entitled Ever Lost Your Brain’s Remote Control. After recounting several of her hilarious mishaps over the years, she challenged us to share some of our moments. As I sat thinking about the many idiot moments I’d had over the years I figured I’d share some of my own. Hey, turnabout is fair play, especially since I shared some of my friends’ more awkward moments in the past.

openmouth_insertfoot

Those of us who tend to say what we think know that there is a hazard that goes with being blunt. For example, there was a young lady that I used to work with at a popular electronic retailer store. I was new, and she and I were pretty friendly. The weather had taken on a cooler edge recently, so when I walked in, I was wearing my black leather biker jacket.

black biker jacket

It was a men’s jacket and I loved it…still do, actually. I was the first “real” gift hubby ever gave to me. Anyway, back to the story. As I came walking down this young lady’s department, she came over to say hi and the following conversation ensued.

Her (with a big grin and a nudge) : Hey there, Biker Bitch!
Me (with a grin and a wink) : Better watch your step or I’m going to make you my bitch.
Her (eye contact, not laughing) : Any time.
Me (blinking) : Um, yeah….

Oops! Yeah, I’d heard the rumors about her being either lesbian or bisexual, I just didn’t care. It just never occurred to me that a simple off the cuff response could create such an interesting ripple. Well, it confirmed the rumor if nothing else…LOL! Oddly enough, that moment helped to cement our friendship.

Unfortunately my talent for the awkward started much earlier. It’s the hazard of being a person whose mouth rarely stops moving. Sometimes we can be deliberately hurtful and regret it later. My “lesson learned” moment actually became my college application essay. Here’s the short version.

While we lived in the Philippines we had some live in help. A maid and a nanny. Hey, the dollar stretches quite well in third world countries. Anyway, as my mom is also Filipina, our servants were more like family and were treated as such. I was about 7 years old when my mouth got me into trouble.

Nanny (looking around at toys strewn all over the floor): Kitt!
Me (fake innocent look): What?
Nanny (pointing at all the toys): Put away all your toys or you’re not playing outside.
Me (irritated): Pfft! Your the maid. Isn’t that what we pay you for?
From somewhere behind me….
Mom (snarling): Kitt. What. Did. You. Just. Say?

Yeah…mom had walked up behind me and heard the whole thing. She was NOT happy. I got my butt whipped, had to clean up my toy AND I got grounded for the day. No bueno.

My sophomore year in high school there was a 4 day choral music festival held at a one of the private universities in Michigan, culminating in a concert on Saturday afternoon with the University Orchestra. The private high schools tied to this particular religion from the surrounding 5 states sent the top 2 singers from each section (Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Bass) to go to this event. It was a privilege to be chosen, and I was one of the 2 sopranos chosen to represent my school. We were put up in the women’s dorm and spent most of the time rehearsing songs in German (Haydn) and Latin with a couple of English ones thrown in for good measure.

As you can imagine, after a while we became restless. Several of us congregated in one of the dorm rooms early that Saturday afternoon waiting for the concert. Keep in mind, most of us were little suburban kids. I, being half Asian, was the closest we had to an ethnic mix in that room. To this day I’m not exactly sure how it started…all I remember was thinking I was going to die.

What had I done? I sang Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love Of All”. And not in my normal voice. NOOOO. I was singing it at the top of my lungs, over enunciating each word with theatrical dramatics.

“I Buhleeve that children are hour fyuchaaaa.
Teech them well ahnd let them lead the waaaayyyy.
Show them ahl the beauty they possess insiiiiide.
Give. Them. A Sense of pride.
To make it easiahhhh!”

The girls were all in a fit of giggles as I belted it out….and then came the knock on the door. My singing stopped. We all looked at each other, eyes huge and praying… Why? Because late that night an all black university from Canada had come down for an event the following week and were staying in the rooms across the hall from us.

Of course, with my luck…it WAS, in fact, several of the very nice ladies from that university. Here’s what happened:

My traitorous friend: Uh, hello?
Nice lady: Hi girls, we heard someone singing from down the hall. Who WAS that?
(Yup! You guessed it. All hands pointed at me as I slowly turned around to face the women in the doorway.)
Me: Sorry about that.
Nice lady: Why are you sorry? We thought you sounded GREAT!!!!
Me (blinking while my friends all tried to hide their laughter): Um… Thank you?

And just like that, they were gone… Thankfully they hadn’t realized I was poking fun at the way a lot of divas overdramatize song lyrics. As my friends cracked up, I was mortified. Seriously. What if I’d really offended them? Sooo not my intent.

Then there was the time I met the Pittsburgh Steelers Pro Football Hall Of Fame quarterback, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry_Bradshaw

Okay…so I’m unapologetically an Dallas Cowboys fan, but still. I love football and I respect the game. That’s one of the reasons that every time I think of this moment I want to hide somewhere. Why? Because my usual eloquence eluded me that day in a big, BIG way…making me sound like a total airheaded bimbo (something I hate).

So the back story? Mr Bradshaw’s brother has a home in the Sarasota area. He’d come to town for a visit only to realize he’d left his camera bag back at home in his foyer. What did he do when he discovered this error? Why, what every wealthy man does, of course. He showed up to the local electronics store with his dad at opening (when it’s least crowded) and replaced everything he’d left behind.

The guys in the store were dying to talk to him and ask for his autograph, but figured it would be easier to break that ice if they sent a female in. As I qualified and was the only woman knowledgeable enough about football and his HOF career, they asked me to go over and talked to him. I didn’t want to disrespect his privacy so I declined being used in this manner. Fortunately for them, he noticed several guys hovering and welcomed them over to get his autograph and offered the opportunity to any employee in the store who wanted it.

Once he gave permission, the guys let me know and I walked over to get his autograph before I left. Here’s how THAT went down.

Me (in a timid voice that was so unlike me the guys all blinked): Excuse me Mr Bradshaw. Would you mind if I asked you for your autograph?
TB (with a gentle smile): Sure thing, Sweetheart. Do you have anything for me to sign?
Me (holding up small brochure form): This?
TB: Why don’t we find something a bit bigger?
(Grabs a manual receipt form)
Me (while he’s signing): Thank you so much! (And then I made my big faux pas that made me want to commit seppuku) I just want to say, I really LOVE watching you and Howie (Long) on Sundays.
TB (Showing class all the way, put an arm around me): Aw, thank you sweetheart. We need more fans like you.
long-bradshawx-large

 

Why was that so mortifying? Because I was well aware of his Hall of Fame career and his 4 Superbowl rings…and what did I mention? His Fox Sports thing? OMG! Yes, that is my head you hear banging on my desk. Never mind that this incident happened nearly 10 years ago. I’m still mortified…. But I also still have this awesome autograph.

Terry Bradshaw Autograph

My Terry Bradshaw Autograph

Okay, enough of my verbal face plants…. What about you guys? Care to share some of your more awkward moments? If not, I’m open to you sharing the awkward moments of friends and family. And just so no one can question my Cowboy Fandom….Here’s a pic of me at one of them many Cowboy events I’ve been to… Hanging out with some Cowboy Legends

Tailgate in Big D with Hubby, Bill Bates, Me, Everson Walls & Kenny Gant

Tailgate in Big D with Hubby, Bill Bates, Me, Everson Walls & Kenny Gant

And here’s another one of me with my girls at a game at Cowboy Stadium.

At The Game

At The Game