Bill Engvall Was Right. Stupid People Need Signs.

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I think I was in fifth grade when I discovered my love for warning and rules and regulations signs. We were on a field trip into downtown Chicago…probably to one of the numerous museums we have…when our teacher stood up and made the following announcement.

“Kids, there are signs all over the city that warn you to beware of pickpockets. When you see these signs your instinct will be to check for your wallet or wherever else you may be keeping your money. Ignore your instincts. The smart pickpockets know this and are probably just leaning on the sign, waiting for YOU to make their job easy and let them know where your money is.”

I laughed a little, but found myself thinking, my…how very clever!

Unfortunately, not everyone is all that brilliant… In fact, it blows my mind how much common sense flies out the window! It shouldn’t. I mean, Bill Engvall made a career based on the fact that stupid people should be required to wear signs that say they’re stupid so you’d know what to expect…and that Warning Labels were created because some idiot tried it, then wrote to the company to complain. He’s right!

Back when I first started my blog last August I saw these ground rules at one of those gamer stores. Here’s the link to that post in case you missed it. Some of those rules are hilarious while others are rules to live by! Role Play Games

Why am I revisiting this? Because of a couple things I’ve seen in the last week. you see, last week I was running some errands with a friend & we stopped by his veterinarian’s office to pick up meds for his dog. As we sat there waiting, my eye wandered to the warning sign framed on their wall. Now I’m really wishing I took a picture of it.

The warning said, “Under no circumstance do we accept returns on your dog medications, nor do we give refunds for them.” I laughed. Looking over at the receptionist I said, “does that seriously happen?” She nodded & told me it happened often enough to merit the sign. All I could think of was how those meds could be replaced by anything and brought back if they accepted returns…and how dangerous that could prove to be.

Then yesterday we went to my favorite adult toy shop and for the first time I noticed their sign. Theirs stated that the only returns they took were on defective products and that all sales were final due to sanitation laws. Again, I laughed to myself…

Looking at the owner’s daughter who was working I said, “Eww! I can’t believe that’s even a problem. YOU wouldn’t want someone else’s used toys, so what on God’s green earth makes you think someone would want yours!”

She laughed and nodded, “But you use common sense.”

“It just means you’d better pay attention when you shop and be sure that what you’re buying is truly something you want,” I said.

So you guys tell me… What signs or warning labels have had you scratching your head? Have you ever been witness to any odd returns? What warning label have you seen that’s either had you shaking your head or just laughing hysterically?

What Ever Can I Do, Officer?

What have you done to get out of a speeding ticket or traffic violation? Has it ever backfired on you? In my imagination, getting out of a traffic violation can get very hot…but that’s all it’s been for me…and my friends.

Hubby and I went to dinner with another couple last night. It’s our “usual” Friday night thing. In fact, we have a “usual” place, and fluctuate between two specific waitresses (upon request). Anyway, when our server got to our table, we chatted her up…and since she’s used to seeing us every week she’s also become accustomed to our men and their teasing.

Last night, when we asked how her week had been, she told us about a ticket she has to pay today. The ticket was close to $300, prompting the guys to ask her how fast she was going. The speed limit in the area she got busted in is 70 MPH. She said she was going around 85, but that when she’d been pulled over initially she thought maybe they were doing an “every car” kind of search, the way they do when there’s been a kidnapping or “criminal at large” search reported. Why did she think that? Because there were about 20 cars pulled over on the side of the road. She quickly found out…she hadn’t stood a chance. She’d been busted by air. Yup! A Cessna got her.

As you can imagine, this got to talk of tickets… More specifically, how people have gotten out of tickets.

Speeding Ticket

Hubby looked at our table and decided to share his “I got out of a ticket” story. He was about 21 or 22 at the time and living in the City Of Chicago. He had been on his way to my house in the suburbs. Back then he was one of my best friends. Anyway, he got pulled over by a Chicago cop….and here’s what happened.

Police Officer: Where’s the fire, son?
Hubby: I’m sorry, Officer. I’m on my way to Hinsdale Hospital. My girlfriend just called. She’s in labor.
Police Officer: (Looks him firmly in the eye) Well slow down, son. You won’t do your girlfriend or your new baby any favors if you get in an accident and die.
Hubby: You’re right, Officer. I’m sorry.
Police Officer: Good luck, son.

When he got to my apartment that night and told me…I won’t lie. I punched him in the arm. My response? “Seriously? We’re not even dating and you make me pregnant with your child?”

He laughed, “Hey, it got me out of my ticket.”

Ass.

It reminded me of a story with a good friend of mine, so I shared THAT story. It was around Christmas and we’d been in Florida for a little while. She had gotten out of work early, and we’d decided she’d come to my apartment so we could bake a bunch of cookies to give away during the holiday. On her way to my place, she saw those dreaded sirens in her rear view and pulled over. Now my friend has a lead foot, so she’s been pulled over a few times…but she was also a natural Double D, so most of the time she got out of her tickets…well, between that and tears. Quickly, she pulled off the work polo she’d been wearing, knowing she had a flattering, white tank top underneath…showing off her girls.

The officer walked up to the car:

My friend: (turning toward her window, pushing her ladies together just a bit and putting on her innocent face) What seems to be the problem, Officer?

Seeing a female officer standing at her window…completely unimpressed with her “endowments”, she knew she was screwed. When she came over to tell me, she was red faced…and I was unsympathetic. Yeah…I was rolling over, laughing my bon-bon off.

Now, me? I’ve had no luck getting out of tickets…of course I’ve only been pulled over once. I’d “run” a red light in a left turn lane.

Police Officer: (after asking for license & registration) Were you aware you ran a red light? Did you not see me behind you?
Me: No, I wasn’t aware, but yes, I did see you behind me.
Police Officer: I’m going to have to give you a traffic violation ticket. Unfortunately for you, this is considered within the “downtown” limits which raises the ticket by 5 dollars.
Me: (I’m a firm believer in owning your behavior and not making excuses) I understand. I ran a red light.
Police Officer: You must have been too far under the light already and not noticed that the color had turned. I’m sorry, I can’t give you a warning. Since running red lights has become the biggest cause of traffic related injuries and deaths in the area we’ve been told we have to crack down and that there’s zero tolerance for this violation.
Me: It is what it is. I understand. I, apparently, ran the light.
Police Officer: (after running my license) Here you go, ma’am. Again, I’m sorry. But, you know, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so maybe there’s a reason that I stopped you. (He must have been feeling pretty bad about the whole thing because he then went into this long, drawn out story about how he was from NYC and would probably been in the center of all the action around 9-11 had he not been heading down to Florida for an interview that week, causing him to miss the whole thing.)

I just wanted to get on with things. I didn’t need him to feel bad for me. Like I said…if I screw up, I’m not much for excuses. Oddly enough, I think that’s what threw him. He was expecting that…or maybe some flirting…or for me to give him a difficult time. I did none of those things. It wasn’t my style.

And When I’m Bad, I’m Better…

We had just been dismissed from a supervisor meeting when one of my male counterparts approached me.

Him: Do you have a second?

Me: Sure. What’s up?

Him: I need some advice. It’s personal. (His cheeks began to flush a beet red and his speech picked up to nearly warp speed) You’re the only person I feel like I can ask, but if I make you uncomfortable, just tell me to shut up or go away or something.

Me: (beyond curious) Ok. You know I’m pretty blunt, I’ll tell you if I’m offended. Why don’t you just tell me.

Him: (looking down, no eye contact) Gosh, I don’t even know how to say this right, so I’m just going to say it. You seem like someone who knows stuff…

Me: Stuff?

Him: It’s like this. You’ve met my girl. (I nod) See…here’s the problem. How can I get her to orgasm with penetration? I can do it for her every other way, but not that way….

Me: (blinking) Wow. I so didn’t see that one coming. (He began to look concerned) Don’t worry, I’m not offended. I am very curious about why you picked me…

Him: You’re easy to talk to, and you don’t seem easily offended.

I just laughed… And yes, I gave him some advice. 😉 In case you’re wondering, he implemented my advice that week, then came back to let me know it worked.

The odd thing is, that wasn’t the first time something like that has happened to me, or the last… In fact, at my very next job, I’d been there for about a month when our temp asked if we could have lunch together.

Temp: So, there was an ulterior motive to my asking you to lunch.

Me: (laughing) You mean it wasn’t my charming personality?

Temp: Well, that’s actually a huge part of it, but I also need some advice, and since it’s personal, I thought it would be best to ask you away from work & off the clock.

Me: Now I’m curious.

Temp: So my boyfriend likes oral sex, and I’d like to make him cum in my mouth, but just when he starts to get really into it I start to gag. Any idea on how I can improve my gag reflex?

Me: Actually, I do…

And yes, I put my Dear Abby hat on and helped the young lady. So, over the years, I’ve realized that for whatever reason, I give off this “very comfortable in my sexuality” vibe. It has also become apparent that people feel I’m open to discussing almost anything.

I thing everyone has a subject that people feel comfortable approaching them about, be it for advice or just to talk… So, what subject do people come to you for?

In other, unrelated topics…I’d posted the below picture on Facebook saying that I was going to reward my hour long workout by working by the pool, writing…

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Hubby, who was trapped at his office job commented with “smh”.

When he got home he mentioned that he almost made a comment about me “working” by the pool (yes, he used air quotes out of jealousy)….but settled on “shaking my head”.

I looked at him and said, “OH! that’s what that means?”

He gave me a weird look and said, “Yeah. What did you think it meant?”

I giggled. “I’ve always thought it meant suck me hard.”

He just shook his head, walked away & said, “perv.”

Shocker, right?

Gonna Make You Sweat…

Last night I was sitting peacefully talking on the phone with one of my oldest friends, catching up on how her holidays went and finding out if her Monster-In-Law had finally left for good (and what damage she left in her wake). I’d had a pretty productive day. Managed to get an hour long work out it, was debating signing up for my first 5K run.

My pal and I were laughing and talking and wishing she lived nearby again so we could be doing it in person with either a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Her Monster-In-Law usually required wine.

Coffee or Alcohol

Anyway, hubby came into the kitchen where I was sitting. As he was walking my way, he said, “Lovey, give me a hug” and spread out his arms to envelop me.

Hopping quickly from my perch I began to run away from him in earnest.

“Stay away from me! Don’t touch me,” I huffed as I ran around my dining room table.

“Come on,” he cajoled as he gave chase, “Don’t you love me anymore?”

Hand cradling the phone to my ear, I hollered over my shoulder, “You’re disgusting! Get away!”

“Do I want to know?” I hear my bestie against my ear.

As if he’d heard her, hubby shouts out, “See how she is, Amadiex? Not very loving or wifely, is she?”

“Go finish your work out and leave me alone,” I say as he closed in. My face was scrunched up and turned away from him, shoulders curled in, knees headed towards my chest. Yes…my entire body language said “get away!”

Finally he laughed and headed back to the treadmill.

Turning back to my phone conversation I said, “he is soaked in sweat.”

She laughed, “That can be hot!”

“Not when it’s dripping off him like he’s been standing in the rain, but it’s all work out sweat,” I answered.

Groaning, she answered, “No. That’s definitely not sexy.”

I shook my head, then realized she couldn’t see that through the phone line and answered, “Nope. It’s that nasty, smelly sweat…not the sexy glistening kind. And now you know why I ran like hell!”

She was too busy laughing to answer me.

The reality is, there is a huge difference between a man who looks like he’s been standing out in the rain because he’s been drenched in sweat and a man who’s truly been standing out in the rain… One is sexy…the other needs a shower.

raining man

This picture is sexy… but if the man standing there did not have the rain pouring down on him and was still in that condition…I’d offer to jump in the shower and wash his back. I would not be kissing him until the disgusting amount of sweat was gone.

Of course my puppy is more than happy to kiss him when he’s sweaty…but I think it’s the salt. I love my husband…I’d jump his bones almost any time he wants…but not when he could smother me in his sweat. If I’m going to get sweaty, it will either be self generated…or generated together from doing fun horizontal activities. 🙂

So my question tonight is this…what things do you find that can be sexy under certain circumstances and disgusting under others? Was fitness one of your resolutions? How are you doing with it?

And just to further entertain…you may want to check out my friend Katie’s blog post on “The 5 People You Meet In The Gym” and Natalie’s compelling “Orgasm…Through Exercise???”

 

Alternative Explanation For The Immaculate Conception?

Happy New Year Everyone! First, I hope that this year brings you many successes, much joy and keeps you and your families healthy and happy.

Now as you guys are well aware, sometimes my blog takes on a very conversational tone. I enjoy talking to you guys, telling you stories…going back and forth on random topics. Because of that I want to share with you guys what happened last night.

My wonderfully awesome and supportive sister and her equally cool husband weren’t able to fly into town for Christmas this year, so they flew into town yesterday instead. Our plans were to have a mostly mellow, relaxing night with a few friends. I’d invited my best girl friend and her husband as well as my best guy friend and his boyfriend. Hubby and I decided that we would do a fondue and board game party! I had my electric fondue pot that I’d received several years ago and had added a chocolate/cheese fountain to my growing collection of kitchen fun this Christmas. We were looking forward to trying it out. My bestie brought her fondue set, too. This meant we could have 1 for cheese, 1 for broth (meats & potatoes) and 1 for chocolate (my brand new fountain).

As we’re setting up, hubby turns to my sister and the following conversation ensues:

Hubby: Sissy, it’s too bad you weren’t here for Christmas. You missed the flying singing lady at your sister’s church.

Sis: I heard!

Hubby: You could’ve sat beside me and enjoyed the show.

Sis: No, I wouldn’t have. I would’ve gotten drafted to sing.

Hubby: Not if you didn’t want to!

Sis: I’ve sung with them before.

Hubby: Oh, yeah…you would’ve. Oh well. So did your sister tell you the other story?

Sis: What story?

Hubby: The fact that she almost lost it in church that night because she’s got a dirty mind?

Sis: No….

Hubby: It was bad.

(At this point I interrupt to defend myself)

Me: Hey! I managed to keep it together.

Sis: What happened?

Me: Well, one of the older ladies was reading the scriptures leading up to Christ’s birth and she made a teeny tiny mistake…

Hubby: (snickering) It really was just one or maybe two words off!

Sis: (looking from me to hubby as we try to choke back our laughter) So what did she say?

Me: Well, she was reading the part where “an angel of the Lord appeared to Mary”

Sis: Yeah?

Me: Well, she got to the part about the Holy Spirit….(rolling on laughter and unable to continue)

Hubby: (watches me and shakes his head) Yeah…the lady is being so serious reading the scripture, your sister is up at the front of the church facing all the guests when the lady says “The Holy Spirit came on her.”

Me: (crying with laughter all over again) It probably was supposed to be came into…no those all sound bad, too. Oh…I think it was supposed to be came unto. Either way…that’s not what she said. And I couldn’t help it!

Sis: (chokes back her own laughter) Oh, God!

Hubby: Yeah…it was bad. I’m sitting in the pew looking up front and your sister gets this look in her eye and I had to look away or start cracking up myself. I started reciting sport stats in my head and looking at my feet.

Me: Hey! I didn’t actually laugh…and I was able to school my face pretty well.

Hubby: That’s true, but if people really know you…they’d have seen how hard you were laughing on the inside.

Sis: Thank GOD I wasn’t there…one look at her face and I would’ve lost it and had to walk out of church in the middle of the service.

Me: Well, guys…if you think about it…it explains so much!

Sis: What do you mean?

Me: “The Holy Ghost came on her.” (nods) Totally explains the Immaculate Conception

They both start rolling with laughter…

Hubby: (looking at me and shaking his head) You are not right.

Sis: You totally need to blog this story.

I can’t be the only person who hears accidentally dirty things at the most inappropriate places or inopportune times. Please help me not feel like I’m going to hell for finding this hilarious. Tell me some of YOUR stories! The difference one word can make….

Can I Get A Vulcan Mind Wipe? PLEASE???

I was sitting in my living room, peacefully sipping coffee and writing out my Christmas cards (yes, I know I’m running out of time) when a memory flashed through my mind that bore sharing. Maybe it was because I was writing the card for my aunt… Regardless, I had to chuckle.

I’m pretty sure everyone has had one of those moments with a relative that made you stop, become an owl for a moment…in that all you could do is stare at them with wide eyes and blink a few times before words returned into your brain…and then wish you could take that Men In Black light to yourself and reset the last few minutes. Right? Well, this blog post is going to be about THOSE moments…and just to be fair…since I’m airing my dirty laundry…I fully expect you to share some of your moments, too!

I have this aunt. She’s a sweet, sweet woman…but apparently she really wasn’t educated in the way of the world…or at least carnal passions. I find this to be kind of strange and funny in that my dad and uncle (her brothers) were incapable of keeping it in their pants. My aunt, though, despite the fact that her current husband is #3, was able to maintain this surprising naiveté.

A few years back my dad & sister had flown in, staying with her in Orlando. As Orlando is only 2-3 hours away depending on traffic conditions on I-4, I drove over to spend the night and hang out. We wound up spending the day at this little shopping area near her home. When we stopped for lunch we got to talking about her past in Puerto Rico. She lived there for a time…and had been having marital troubles with Uncle #3 while out there. You see, she was isolated out there…his family didn’t really speak English and she didn’t speak Spanish. Icing on the cake…this particular Uncle liked to keep her in the dark and dependent on him. (Yes, I know…all kinds of issues with that one, but those are for another time.)

Anyway, she pulled me aside and told me this story.

Aunt: You know, your uncle has a problem.
Me: He does?
Aunt: Yes, he does. A (hushed voice) Sex problem.
Me: Uhhhh…
Aunt: It’s just terrible…. Your uncle is (stage whisper) A Pervert!
Me: (trying not to laugh…trying very, VERY hard) A pervert?
Aunt: Yes! A Pervert! In fact, I had to call the police on him one time.
Me: (imagining the worst) The police?
Aunt: Uh huh! Your uncle is very sick in the head. Do you know what he tried to do?
Me: No….
Aunt: He tried to sodomize me!!!
Me: (trying to not die from the laughter building up inside) I see…
Aunt: Isn’t that terrible? That’s just not natural!!!
Me: Mhm….(still not capable of any words…blinking like an owl…hoping not to burst out laughing)
Aunt: So I called the police. I told them what he tried to do.
Me: Oh, my.
Aunt: Yes. He had to go to jail and they told him that he couldn’t sodomize me without my consent. Who on earth would consent to something like that? I’m not a pervert!

Yeah….Well, those of you who follow my blog already know…I’m not exactly little miss wilting violet, nor am I naïve or innocent. I didn’t quite think the idea of anal sex was the end of the world. The fact that she referred to it as “sodomy” was quite shocking to me, though…I haven’t heard it referenced that way except maybe in the Bible!

The thing is…from what I gathered…when she screeched “no”. He stopped…which is probably why he didn’t do any real time…he was just arrested so the “misunderstanding” could be sorted out. Had the act happened without her consent, obviously I wouldn’t be sharing or finding any sort of humor in this. What it really boiled down to was that she got a surprise (somehow she’d not realized anal sex is really not THAT taboo). My thought was…the whole thing could have been avoided if they’d talked first…but Uncle #3 wouldn’t be the first guy to try to slide his sausage in that orifice without discussion, hoping and praying the lady went for it… And I’m sure he won’t be the last. Still, my aunt and sodomy are now 100% linked in my brain for all eternity.

This same sweet aunt of mine was with me at my mom’s when I had my blink worthy moment there… It was my bridal shower. Most of the guests had already left…so my mom, sis, aunt and cousin were all sitting around my mom’s dining table with me. As we are talking, somehow the subject of high heels comes up. Nothing dangerous, right? Unless you’re hanging with MY family.

Sis: I never shop for heels with mom anymore.
Mom: It wasn’t that bad!
Sis: You heard this story, right?
Me: I don’t think so!
Sis: Well, it’s on par with the horses and whale penis story from that one Thanksgiving.
Me: So do I want to know?
Sis: Probably not
Mom: (at same time as sis) It’s not that bad…
Cousin: Whale and horse penises?
Sis: Long story…
Cousin: What about the heels?
Sis: Mom and I went shopping. We found these heels with an awesome pattern. They were grey and black. But the heels were high.
Mom: I walked in them fine.
Sis: I know, Mom….anyway, I tried them on and they seemed comfortable, so I bought them. I should have tried walking in them first.
Mom: (snickering)
Sis: So the first time I decided to wear these shoes was to church. I was singing in the choir. We were processing that day. I almost fell flat on my face when the heel caught on the carpet. A friend grabbed hold of my elbow and walked me all the way down the aisle. I didn’t realize they were CFM pumps or I never would’ve worn them to church!
Me, Aunt and Cousin: Oh, no!
Aunt: What’s CFM?
Me: (blushing a bit) Come Fuck Me? Mom, don’t kill me…she asked…
Mom: Girls! There are pumps called that?
Me: Yes, mom. So, sis… you almost fell?
Sis: Yeah, hard to balance. So, I called mom and told her about it.
Me: (afraid of what my sis is going to say next) And what did mom say?
Mom: (laughing her butt off and staring at my sister…not exactly comforting for me)
Sis: She said, I didn’t have any problems with my heels. Your stepdad liked it when I wore them to bed.
Me: And that’s why they call them CFM, Mom…not that I ever needed that image.
Cousin & Aunt think it’s hilarious and are laughing their butts off…and pretty soon, so were we…

Yeah…family members can say the darndest things, can’t they? The thing is, if you knew my mom…she’s little miss goodie two shoes! This is the same woman who looked at my stepdad on their first date…before they even left and said, “I don’t believe in adultery, nor do I believe in fornicatious behavior.” I loved his answer…”Lady, I just want to take you to dinner!”

Every family has their sitcom moments…and now it’s time for you to share yours. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a Christmas clip from one of my all time favorite sitcoms…

Complimentary Insults?

Have you ever been on the receiving end of something that sounded like an insult only to realize that it was meant as a compliment? A gal pal and I were talking about that today.

Remember the guy I talked about last week? Well, the story didn’t completely end there. Here’s how our “I’m married” conversation went:

Him: It’s too bad I met you now that you’re getting ready to leave!
Me: Aww, you’re sweet.
Him: So would you like to hang out before you go? I’d like to take you to dinner or buy you a drink or something.
Me: It’s nice of you to ask, but I’m married.
Him: Like newly married or MARRIED married?
Me: Like married to my best friend married.
Him: It figures. All the good ones are. You’re just so pretty and have a big ass. I like the way you look

For two seconds I was all…did he really just tell me I have a big ass? How rude! Then I realized he likes the J-Lo booty types…and he meant it as a compliment. Fortunately I was able to process it before I responded with “Thanks!”

Then I started thinking to other compliments that could be misread as insults that I’ve either heard in songs or seen on tv shows and movies, etc.

“Girl, you’re so thick…You fill out that outfit so well!”

“You’ve got some big lips! Mmmm!”

“Look at those muscles…You look like you could do some damage to a man.”

You get my drift… For whatever reason, I’m finding this whole line of “compliments” to be hilarious. What “compliments” have you been given that could be misrepresented as insults?

Now I have to hit the treadmill…LMAO!

Radar Love…Or Broken Detectors

This week, I came to a realization…somewhere, somehow…I lost my edge! Either that or they grow El Paso men differently…and I don’t think that’s it.

In my wilder days, before I settled down, I was a bit of a player. Not that I was promiscuous. I wasn’t. I just dated. A. LOT. Most boyfriends rarely got past the 2 month mark. My family attributed this to my love of a pretty face/body battling my need for an intelligent man. Most of my boyfriends back then were blessed with one, not the other. Care to guess which? LOL!

Anyway, I have always been pretty perceptive about when a guy is attracted to me. Part of it is because I usually read people pretty well, but the other part is all those years of being a bad girl. Now that I keep my bad girl side reserved for hubby, apparently my my skills have suffered.

Don’t get me wrong…I still recognize when a guy looks at me, attracted. And I can still read the flirting… Where I’ve totally lost it is reading when someone is going to ask me out. Honestly, I don’t like hurting or embarrassing people, so if I sense it coming on, I will casually drop a “my husband likes” or a “my boyfriend says” into the conversation…always have (hence the my boyfriend reference).

So here’s what has me concerned about my skills. The sports bar next to the store I helped open is still under construction. Their employees have been coming in and out during breaks, buying our merchandise. So when one of the guys came in looking at hats, I thought nothing of it. I built rapport. He mentioned his mom had been at a game recently, and that she’d been wearing this awesome hat that had everyone asking her where she’d gotten them. I mentioned that if they were that popular, it may be something the owner might consider carrying in our store. I asked him to forward the picture to me. He did.

He was working on finding out who designed the hats for her and promised to get back to me. About an hour later he messaged me realizing we didn’t even know each other’s name and gave me his first name. I returned the courtesy and gave him my first name. He said he liked it. I get that a lot, so I let it roll off. Later, though, when he made the comment about me being so nice and other little innocuous things, I started to realize he was lightly flirting. I was amused.

As my relief came in, I told him to keep two of the caps aside for this customer. I mentioned that I thought he was flirting a little bit…and here’s how that convo went.

Me: Oh, my! I think he’s hitting on me a little!
Robert: You said he’s been texting you all afternoon. Of course he’s flirting!
Me: Awww. Well, that’s sweet. Kind of flattering.
Robert: He’s gonna ask you out tonight, mark my words!
Me: What! You’re crazy. He doesn’t even know me. We only talked for a few minutes. About the Cowboys.
Robert: You don’t know El Paso guys. He’s gonna ask you out.
Me: Nuh Uh! We’ve only talked a day. No way.
Robert: We’ll see.

And as I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, he asked me out. I had to text Robert back and tell him he was right & I was wrong. Do you know how much being wrong irks me? LOL!

I guess I never considered it as a possibility because it hasn’t happened in so often… Rarely am I without hubby at my side.

My lesson? Get to losing the last bit of weight on my plan so that we can get our rings re-sized and I can start wearing them again. It leaves less to chance.

For those of you wondering…of course I said no, but I let him down gently enough that he came back to buy those hats. And now I have one more new friend. 😉

Am I the only one who had special talents that seem to have gotten weaker with age and maturity? I can’t be… What are yours? Or when was the last time something or someone snuck under your radar?

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

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This is the gorgeous view from directly outside my hotel. See what I mean about gorgeous mountains? El Paso is beautiful. So far everyone has been amazing. They’ve been kind, welcoming and generally just bone deep nice!

Tonight, I’m chillaxing by my hotel bar with a glass of Malbec and feeling inspired. Last night was my first good, full night of sleep since I arrived. It wasn’t overly crazy so I had the opportunity to relax and catch up on some of my favorite passions. I’m enjoying Sophie Oak’s Siren Unleashed and read some of the amazing people whose blogs I follow. In fact, Crazy Train To Tinky Town wrote a really cool blog about airports and people watching. It inspired me.

I’ve spent a lot of my life in or around airports. This trip would be no different. In fact, I’m about two or three miles from the airport right now. As fun as people watching in an airport can be, I’ve found that the people you meet on the plane can be even more intriguing.

So my question…do you remember your most interesting travel seat mate? Tell me about them…and what made them so memorable. If you don’t have a memorable seat mate, maybe share your most intriguing conversation that happened during travel…

My cousin says I’m a magnet for “interesting”. Over the years I’ve come to realize that it’s not that I’m a magnet…it’s that I interact! I talk. I listen. And then I’m constantly entertained…which always translates to storytelling.

I’ll start with the most interesting interaction I had in an airport. A few years ago, hubby and I were heading to Dallas for a Cowboy game. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it…it was our honeymoon! Usually we catch a flight from our nearby airport, but this time we headed out of Tampa. As we sat in the airport, John Gruden came walking up. Apparently, he was also going to be on our flight. He was working for ESPN at the time and doing the show. I spotted him, then pointed him out to hubby. He walked up and shook Mr Gruden’s hand and told him how much we enjoyed him. The guy was very cool. In fact, he found us when we landed at DFW and told us to find him at the event and ask questions. He was absolutely great. He treated us like new friends. We loved it.

My most interesting “on the plane” interaction? The June I graduated from high school, my biological grandfather died. I knew the news was not going to be good when my cousin called at 6am. No one calls that late in my family in less there is an emergency.

I was going to be flying alone to Michigan… I was 18, so it wasn’t a huge deal. When I boarded, I noticed an elderly couple toward the front of the plane, but otherwise it was just me. Seated by a window on the center of the aircraft, I was just settling in when a group of tall, large, strong men walked onto the plane. As they took their seats, I noticed I was surrounded. Two of the giants (I’m only 5’3″…and back then was only 105 lbs) were sitting behind me, two in front & 2 more across the aisle, plus the rest of the guys on the plane. The guy in front of me was the sociable sort and turned around.

Kneeling on his seat in my direction our conversation went something like this:

Him: Hi there!
Me: (tilting my head to make better eye contact) Hello…
Him: How are you?
Me: Fine.
Him: Are you from Detroit?
Me: Nope. Going to Michigan for a family emergency.
Him: I’m sorry. (Pauses) Soooo…. How old are you?
Me: (Realized he was hitting on me and checking my status as jail bait…Rob Lowe had just recently gotten busted) I turn 19 tomorrow.
Him: Really? Got any proof?
Me: My military brat ID.
Him: Can I see?
Me: Sure.
Him: (smiles down at me) Happy birthday! (Turns to his other buddies) Hey guys…can you believe she’s 18?

I laughed. He had just waved the “go” flag for himself and his friends. I was also right…I was on a flight with a college football team. Suddenly I found myself under a microscope as they all peered over the chairs at me and said hello. I laughed. Then the guy continued:

Him: So, how long are you going to be in town?
Me: A few days.
Him: You should give me your number. I’ll take you out and show you the city.
Me: (laughing and a bit coy…and not nearly as naive as he thought) My mama told me not to give my number to strangers.
Him: I introduced myself. We’re not strangers anymore.
Me: Why don’t you give me YOUR number. If I want you, I’ll call you.

After a bit of playful debate, he gave me his number. As we got of the plane, he and five of his friends insisted on escorting me “safely” to my family. The look on my relatives’ faces were priceless! Their eyes were huge as the boys all said goodbye, each stooping down to give me a hug.

I never did call the guy back…but is it any wonder why I so enjoy ménage stories? Does this not help to explain my interest with the Mile High Club?

Your turn!

Long Nights And The Superficial Psyche

I have been burning my candle at both ends lately. Tonight is my first night back to my hotel room at a reasonable hour. It has been an insanely busy few days. We were going to open Thanksgiving night, but there was too much prep work to be done. My work day for Black Friday went from 7pm on Thanksgiving till about 10:45 am. I returned back to work at 6pm to close. We left the store around 10:30 or so & got back to the hotel around midnight after a stop to Walmart.

Tonight we left around 7pm & went to dinner. We sat at the bar where we talked sports and life and love with our very cool bartender. While discussing relationships he’d mentioned the value of being humble. For the benefit of being thankful for what you have without putting on airs or false pretenses.

His story? A couple of years ago he went to a bar in a bigger city with some friends. There was a beautiful woman sitting at the bar, so he thought he’d say hello. He walked up to her & here’s what happened.

Bartender: Hi there!
Girl: (looks over haughtily) Make and model of your car?
Bartender: (looks at her in disbelief, then sarcasm) 1978 Pinto
Girl…turns away.

Really? How utterly pretentious and superficial! Unreal. All she cared about was money. She deserved the lying response he concocted after her disrespect. It may explain why he told me he was glad to have found an amazing person… Don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting financial security or maybe an equal partner, but any number of things… But not like that! No wonder he said he wasn’t interested in “rookie camp”.

So tell me, folks, have you ever refused talking to someone based on something superficial? If so, tell, tell! When meeting someone new, what things have intrigued you enough to give a stranger a chance in the past? What things have you heard people verbally or theoretically snoop into at bars or clubs or restaurants that could be found offensive by the recipient? What things do you think are important to a relationship?

The area is beautiful out here! When I drive the freeway, I can’t believe that just looking across has me looking at Mexico. I am really enjoying those mountains! I promise, pictures will eventually be posted.

I do miss having time to write…I need to make tome to do what I love. If I’m mildly incoherent, please excuse me. I’m worn out!

Good Night!