Honesty Or Disrespect?

I love music. For those of you who’ve been following my blog for a while, this isn’t exactly a shocker. Music often finds the words we, as everyday people, often can’t. But there are times… Moments… Of course, one of the biggest moments when we find we don’t have words are when talking about love.

We’ve all had those moments where we’ve fallen for someone who was already involved, right? Well, two seriously catchy songs came out nearly at the same time, talking about this phenomenon and how they handled it. One of them I loved. The other one? Well… Let me share the songs and see what you think.

Fun, right? 

Here’s the second song.

So the general overarching story is the same… But how each song handled it, to me, was vastly different. 

The first song, while catchy, bothered me. To me, it felt a bit disrespectful of the woman, her relationship, and lacking completely in boundaries. Don’t get me wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel about then. At. All. My issue comes when you go past telling the object of your affections about how you feel and disrespect her relationship, try to cajole and manipulate her into ending things. You also assume she feels the same way, and you don’t even have the guts to call her without a little liquid courage…which means she probably should take absolutely nothing you say seriously.

The other one? He notices things about the girl. He respects their friendship. He tells her all the awesome things he admires about her. He worries she’s not being treated right…and then he lays his heart on the line and basically says that if he’s stupid enough to let you go, he’ll be there waiting and hoping for his chance. 

Is it just me? Am I overreacting or overthinking? Because I know I’ve always been turned off by people who’ve had no respect for my choices and my relationships, but I’ve been honored and flattered by people who’ve just wanted to express their admiration and caring. To me, there’s a huge difference.

What are your thoughts? Any songs hit you kind of funny recently? I’d love to hear about it. 

Dang! It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a chance to blog and I’ve missed it!

S is for Sex Appeal

Sexy

What is sexy?

If you were to ask the average adolescent they’d probably tell you it’s a hottie dressed in provocative clothes. Or lingerie that leaves nothing to the imagination.

And if you asked them what sex appeal was, they’d probably give a similar answer.

As we mature, we start to realize there’s so much more to sex appeal than hot, half naked, and obvious.

MeowWhat comes to mind for you when you think of someone who oozes sex appeal?

For me, it’s intelligence and humor. Somehow they seem to manifest themselves in the playfully irresistible grins or the knowing, intent looks.

CleverYeah, for me, intelligence is an amazing turn on. So is someone comfortable in their own skin.

Sexy Soul

Confidence is hot. So is honesty. And honor.

Yeah. What people seem to forget is that sexy is predominantly mental. Not physical (although being in great health is also sexy).

What things do you find irresistibly sexy? What screams sex appeal to you?

I is for Identity

Who are you? When you think of yourself, what physical or character traits define you? What are your strengths? Your weaknesses? Who do you try to project to the world? Are you happy with what you see?

Here’s the thing. No matter what, you’re always beautifully, uniquely you. Sometimes it just takes a while to gain the vision for yourself that those who love you share, but if you take a moment and just look deeply into yourself. At the things you do that give you a sense of pride or that bring joy or a sense of value to others. Or maybe the things that make you stand tall, shoulders back, head high…. You’ll realize there are many things to love about yourself.

A few years back I wrote a poem describing my identity, and because of my letter choice, I thought I’d re-share.

It’s called—

Kitt Bio Pic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who I Am

I’m smiles of welcome
That warms my eyes.
A clever tongue
Wielded like a sharpened knife
Or rich sweetness of honey…
The choice is always
Yours.
I’m the core of steel,
Honed
By determination, grief and God.
I’m tears at sappy movies,
Laugh out loud with books.
Words and music
Flow
Like the blood in my veins.
I believe the best,
Till worst is proven.
Faith is more than
Lip service;
infused into my heart.
Slow to anger,
And slower still
To forget.
Work hard,
Play harder….
Enjoy the raunchy.
Brutal honesty is
Valued,
Respect is earned.
Push
And I push back…
Harder.
Control is my strength
And my weakness;
I rarely let it go.
I love
Without reservations
And try to never hate.
I may bend,
Sometimes fall,
But will never be broken.

Now it’s your turn. What do you love about you? What things do you love about people you care about that maybe you wish they’d see in themselves?

A is for Anal Appeal

pooper21

This picture cracked me up…. but all kidding aside, it seems I’ve always had a fascination for anal play. Long before I’d even tried it. (Yes, with a personal philosophy that I’ll try anything once…and more frequently if I enjoy it, it was only a matter of time.)

When I was younger I giggle-snorted when I heard that some girls, mostly from super strict, religious families, gave up their asses to preserve their “virginity.” Convoluted, yes… But accurate in the most technical sense of the word. Yeah, their hymens were untainted, so they could still come to their marriage beds and claim “pure.” But who was I to judge. Truth is, up until that moment, I don’t think I ever considered anal play a thing.

And yeah. It sounded uncomfortable, but after my attention was drawn, I realized that lots of guys I knew seemed to have a preoccupation with getting into that part of the anatomy, and it wasn’t solely about anal play being taboo. I mean, c’mon…. Guys, no girl is naïve enough to believe the “oops! My cock is directionally challenged. It really didn’t mean to try to slide into that hole.” Can you really blame the women who have retaliated with the “if you want my ass, I get to take yours first” challenge?

Still, it was unsanitary, right? More so than oral sex. Why did so many seem to want to get up in there? So I asked my guy friends. Turned out most of them hadn’t gotten there, but they’d heard it was extra tight and porn had made it seem like a pretty cool place to enter. Needless to say, this wasn’t a good enough answer for a young and curious Kitt. More research was definitely needed.

Oddly enough, while the boys were right, that wasn’t what really revved my engine. Nope. What did it for me was discovering the power of a prostate massage. As strong as a G-spot orgasm? Really? Yum! There’s a lot of power and trust exchanged with being able to help a guy explore that kind of pleasure. So why not?

And for women… Do you realize how many nerve endings there are in that area? The first time my salad was tossed (anal stimulation via the tongue), I became a believer. The trick is to build a person up to the pleasure. Make sure they’re prepared via lubrication and stretching…maybe start with fingers (one first, then another, and move them to scissor and stretch). Or if it’s available, anal plugs or other toys designed to stimulate and stretch that tight muscle. If you’re the giver, make sure your partner (if they’re a newbie) breathes out and tries to relax as you breach for the first time. It gets easier. It feels better. And a little manual stimulation or sensual distraction helps, too.

What you don’t do is what inevitably happens the first time and sours beginners on the whole act if they’re not very adventurous. As noted above, the “oops, I slipped method” is more likely to both land you in the doghouse and in the “never again” category. No prep is also no good. It’s tight. A bit painful. Makes almost anyone but a masochist want to forget they’d ever tried it and say no for the next time. Don’t assume that the only workable position for anal is doggie style.

The bottom line is this. Anal sex can be just as intimate and powerful as any other types of sex, and just as fun. So now I’m curious…. Have you tried anal sex? What do you remember about the first time you’d heard of or tried it? Is it on your “yes, please” or “no thanks” list?

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. Thanks for all the love & support this year!

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 48,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 18 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Hilarious Holiday Humor

I have a soft spots for humor, especially when sends a wink and a nod in the direction of universally relatable situations. Ever hosted a holiday dinner party? It can be stressful for so many reasons. When you add many of the food allergies and diet trends, it can be downright debilitating to plan a menu….

Maybe that’s why I find this song so utterly hilarious!

And then, of course, there’s the outrageous demands that children make on Santa…..

Of course if you’re looking for a bit of raciness without the music, this may be just the thing to tickle your funny bone.

Do you have any holiday humor to share? I’d love to see!

Playtime: What Goes in the Box…

Vibe

Many moons ago I bought my first vibrator. It was exciting. It was taboo. It was hidden in a brown bag so no one would know what I’d purchased. After a quick trip to the store to pick up some batteries (let’s be real, first timer…didn’t want to run out and didn’t know what to expect) I rushed home, excited to play.

Alone in my room, I freed the teal gel cylinder from the wrapping, washed it, and slid the batteries the hard plastic handle piece. I toyed with the various settings against my hand to get a feel for how it operated, then disrobed and moved to the bed.

This was going to be awesome, right? So much easier and fun than my own fingers?

Not exactly.

It wasn’t so much the going in. Lubrication (both self and purchased) helped with that. It was more the uncomfortable, burning feeling.  And the feeling like the only way to rid myself of that uncomfortable burn was to pee.

I knew that the lady at the pleasure party said that they were considered “novelty” items, but it was explained that this had more to do with the rules of other countries about exporting things that were used for sex. That’s why there were things like rabbit ears or hummingbirds or dolphins on the clitoral stimulator….or so I understood back then.

It never occurred to me that pleasure items were not held to any health or safety standard. That they could be toxic. In the end, I gave up on that particular toy figuring it must be an allergic reaction. Heck, I’ve been known to have a sensitivity to latex condoms, so I just chalked it up to that! And then I did a bit more research.

Did you know that many of the older toys were made with toxic products? That they were safer to be used in conjunction with a condom? Or that the type of lubricant you use can actually dry you out? In fact, check out the article I wrote for Sexual Wellness News on exactly this topic this week! It’s all about how to shop for great non-toxic toys. And if you have any doubts that not all lubes are created equal? Check out this blog post from my favorite lube company. It’s from a nurse’s perspective on why their stuff is head and shoulders above the rest.

Don’t get me wrong, this has NOT stopped me from enjoying pleasure enhancers. It’s just made me much more careful in my choices. Heck, ya’ll know I’ve always been pretty vocal about sharing what I like….and reading materials to help you get there.

What about you guys? Any sex toy nightmares to share? Any tips you’ve learned along the way? Caring is Sharing, afterall!

If Love Is A Battlefield….

…is sex the weapon?

How many times have we all heard-

“Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

I can’t tell you how much I’ve come to dislike that statement now that I’m older and understand it better. Why, you ask? I’m about to tell you.

Sometimes I wonder how it is that we still don’t seem to have put this statement together with the historical idea of women as chattel. First, let me clarify, I’m not about to say that anyone should be in a rush to lose their virginity as it’s not really worth anything. Not. At. All. Most of you have followed me long enough that you know I find beauty in virtue and purity, just as I find beauty in sensual pleasures.

What I am saying is that the originating statement came from a time where virginity was just another bartering tool used to bring the highest price possible for selling off your daughter to improve the family’s social and financial standing….and is as old as time. Well, a time when women didn’t really have much say in how their own lives could/would be shaped. Personally I’m grateful not to be living in that time, but I wonder if we’re really so far removed from some of their ideologies, especially when it comes to sex. In fact, there are times when I research back on that time and wonder if they weren’t more progressive in their thinking after the initial marriage than we are today.

Here’s the thing, if you’ve still got your purity intact, to me, the gifting is in finding someone worthwhile to share that special moment with…who will help enrich the experience by their mere presence. The reality is, you only have your virginity once, so it should be special….a celebration of transition in life. Sharing it should happen with someone who appreciates the moment and you. If that means someone you love, someone you like a lot, or the person you intend on sharing the rest of your life with, great! It should not be the carrot dangled at the end of a stick a la “I’ll let you have my virginity if you ‘put a ring on it’.” Yes, I’m saying I don’t agree with the Beyoncé song. I just don’t think ultimatums are a good way to kick off a relationship.

Now you’re saying, “But Kitt, what about those of us who aren’t virgins?” Let’s be honest, there are more of you reading this blog than there are of the “chaste” variety. Am I right? 😉 Well, I’m so glad you asked…because it was something that happened a couple of weeks ago that prompted this whole post.

My dear friend, Ande Lyons, interviewed Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird aka The Love Birds, relationship counselors and clinical sexologists, on her Loving And Lasting radio show about how to keep your marriage/relationship sexually satisfying. One of the calls they took was from a woman who was starting a newer relationship. She’d discussed the fact that she was a firm believer in starting as she meant to continue. For her, that meant she discussed how important sex and intimacy was for her.

I thought what The Lovebirds said…”Good for her!” Begin as you mean to continue, right? She set her expectations early. She opened the lines of communication regarding sex immediately! Her candor regarding her desires was refreshing…and not usually the norm in many relationships.

Instead, what we usually see is more weaponization of sex. How many times have you heard or seen people trade sex for status and a certain type of lifestyle? These are the “I won’t date you unless you’re in a certain financial bracket or have a job I consider impressive enough to brag about to my friends.” We all know them. They value people by the size of their wallets, etc. Those are the obvious ones….and most of us agree that it’s not really a good place to expect any real happiness or intimacy. We feel for the poor sucker that gets caught in that honey trap (usually because they fail to see past the superficial).

Personally, if you are intrigued enough with a person to give dating the ol’ ‘college try’, I don’t see the issue with taking the rest of him/her for a test drive, too. Imagine what would happen if folks knew whether or not they were sexually compatible from the beginning. What if you discussed your likes and dislikes early? Might it not set the tone for sharing what’s working and not working for you in the bedroom in the future? Wouldn’t you feel more comfortable bringing up fantasies as the relationship progresses? Discussing different sexual avenues you’d like to explore together as the trust grows? In fact, August McLaughlin did a great post nailing on the head so many of the reasons why it’s okay to test the waters when she took on Steve Harvey’s book touting why women should wait 90 days before engaging.

Don’t get me wrong, there are sometimes valid reasons to wait. For example, if you know that  sex has a way of becoming a huge distraction from everything else for you, you might want to wait. Why? To give yourself an opportunity to really get to know the person you’re getting intimate with before you let yourself feast. What isn’t cool is if the reason you’re holding back is because you’re afraid he/she won’t respect you if you “put out.” This isn’t high school. If that is truly a concern you feel with the person you’re dating…he/she is probably not the right person for you. A truly decent person won’t judge you because you are honest with them and want to create a physical intimacy. Pardon my language, but only a$$holes tend to sit there, throwing stones (and we all know what they say about people in glass houses who do that).

Even more bothersome is when sex becomes weaponized once you’re actually in the relationship, but it happens all too often. In fact, I’ve even heard folks giving advice to do just that and wanted to scream! What am I talking about? Say your partner has done something that ticked you off. Instead of talking about it rationally and calmly, you decide to sleep in the other room. You want something done…. You offer sex as the reward if they do it, or threaten to withhold if they don’t.  This makes sex a threat and a weapon.

Why do we wield it this way when intimacy is so crucial to relationships? Although finances is a large cause of divorce, so is loss of intimacy. I talked to a gal pal a few months back who didn’t feel important in her relationship with her husband. One of the things that stood out to me was the fact that she said if he’d just touched her casually or kissed her for no reason other than he wanted to, she would know she mattered. Sex had become his weapon that he only brought out when he sensed that she was angry, he wanted to shut her up or escape true intimacy…at least that’s the way it felt to her. I know just as many women who use sex the same way she described.

The funny thing is she blames herself….because she allowed it to happen. Had those intimate discussions happened in the beginning, things might have been different. Had she set her expectations from the start…and allowed them to grow together in their passion and discovery, maybe she wouldn’t feel so unimportant.

Sex should be a tool to bring you closer together, not a weapon to hold over someone else. And if, by chance, you find yourself in this predicament….it’s not hopeless. That’s the other thing I loved about The Love Birds….they offered help for those who can’t fix it on their own. Relationships aren’t always easy, but they should be cherished.

Have you ever used sex as a weapon? What did you learn from doing so? Have you ever had sex used against you? How did it make you feel? Do you agree or disagree with anything I’ve said? Share with me…. Whether you agree or don’t, I’d love to hear from you. I learn so much from what you guys share…and I love you all for it!

A Simple Sorry Will Do

“I’m Sorry”

The words aren’t exactly difficult to pronounce. They’re not complicated. In fact, next to “I love you” it’s probably the most important sentence in the English language. So what makes it so difficult for some people to say?

Through the years I’ve come to recognize several different avoidance tactics… Maybe you’ll recognize them too.

The first, and probably most popular, avoidance tactic is the guilt purchase in lieu of an apology. This is my mother’s go to technique. An example? How’s this…

Back when I was in high school my mom accused me of going on birth control without her permission. She was furious. She wanted to know where I’d managed to go to get on the pill and didn’t believe me when I told her I wasn’t. She swore up and down that I was having sex and swore that if I got pregnant, she’d disown me (yeah, that part I know she was exaggerating about…she’d never do that to me). It didn’t matter how many times I tried to defend my innocence. She was sure I was lying. Well, until my sister came into the room, grabbed the packet of pills she was waving around in my face and told her that they were her cleaning enzymes for her contacts.

You know teenagers…we feel things intensely. To say I was furious and wounded would be a mild understatement…especially when my sister vindicated me. I wanted an apology! So, I did what any loudmouth teenage daughter would do. I gave her the silent treatment. Hey, I’m not stupid. I knew she’d realize quickly that I was mad and hurt.

That evening, while I lay on my bed reading a book, she popped her head into my bedroom.

Mom: (Tosses cool black leather and silver metal barrette on the bed next to me) Hey Kitt. I went shopping today and bought this for you.
Me: (Head comes up from my book to look at her. Glares at her because I realized she didn’t apologize and feeling as though she’s trying to buy me off…because she is. Looks back down at the book. Not a word said.)
Mom: (Pretending nothing’s wrong) Do you like it?
Me: (Looks back at her, one eyebrow raised & shake my head as I look away again)

She finally walked away. I was determined not to accept the blackmail or her non-apology. After several hours of silence, she finally broke. She flounced into my room (yes, moms can flounce, too) and said. “Fine, I’m sorry. Okay?”

I looked up and smiled and said “Thank you.”

I won’t lie…I grabbed that hair clip and kept it after she gave her apology. No sense in letting it go to waste… And to be fair, I know my situation is not the norm…many people will just continue on with their business and never say the words.

The second avoidance tactic is the “Sounds like an apology non-apology”.

There was a guy I used to manage with. He was so proud of his “faux-pology” skills. He used to use it on customers a lot. An example?

A customer was frustrated with her treatment by one of his employees. She felt the employee misled her on her plan and how returns worked.

Him: I’m sorry you didn’t listen to your rep about the return policy.

or

Him: I’m sorry you didn’t think to read the fine print.

or

Him: I’m sorry you waited until two weeks later to tell me about how your rep treated you, now that you’re outside your return policy and my hands are tied.

As you can see…none of these things were real apologies. Nothing to validate their feelings.

All I could think was…would it have been so hard to tell the customer “I can only imagine how frustrated you’re feeling right now. I’m sorry you were made to feel unimportant. We value your business. Why don’t we take a look at this together and see what options and alternatives we can come up with”?

Somehow I doubt his customers were pleased with their service….or stayed very long.

The third avoidance tactic is where you tell someone that you love them, but never that you’re sorry. This is used most often on family. It’s very similar to #1, except that instead of blackmail with something of monetary value, you resort to twisting up emotions.

For example, you embarrass your significant other…maybe you lose your temper and yell at him/her in front of other people. Your partner is hurt and walks away. After you cool down you realize you might have overreacted. Instead of an apology, you seek him/her out and tell them “I love you”.

Courtesy of sweetstuffcalledlove.tumblr.com

Courtesy of sweetstuffcalledlove.tumblr.com

Two words. Two simple words… So why are they so hard for some people to say? How can accepting responsibility for injured feelings or poorly chosen words be so hard for some people? The funny thing is, many of these folks are sorry. They feel remorse for their careless/thoughtless actions…but they just can’t say it! Granted, there are those who refuse to apologize simply because they’re narcissistic enough to believe they’re never wrong…but usually that kind of arrogance spills over into every other aspect of their personality, making it a trait that’s fairly easy to recognize.

One thing I’ve learned…with love, there’s no room for foolish pride. Someone who loves you won’t take an admission of wrongdoing as an opportunity to browbeat you and hold it over your head. They recognize your willingness to humble yourself in front of them as a gift…and it strengthens your love and makes it easier to let go of hurts and move forward together.

When it’s left unsaid, resentments fester. Doubt creeps in. Feelings of inadequacy and lack of appreciation become so strong. All the good becomes overpowered by memories of every hurt and each slight. Yes, withholding the “I’m sorries” in my opinion, are just as dangerous as never saying “I love you”.

Before you ask… Yes, I’m well aware that there are also those people who overuse I’m sorry, but never mean it. But those people…their actions speak so loudly that they make it easy to walk away. The other ones, though…they devastate. You want to fight for your relationship. You try to fight. But after a while the battle feels one sided and you wonder if you’re the only one bothering. You begin to wonder WHY you try.

The words may be scary to say…especially if you’re the person who’s always held it back. But if you put yourself on that limb. Say the word. The rewards are so much bigger your fears. You’d be amazed at the difference it can make. Try it! I promise it won’t kill you.

What are your experiences with “I’m Sorry”? Which of these non-apologies do you see most frequently? Have you seen other avoidance techniques that we should be on the lookout for? Have you been the victim of this kind of hurt? How did it impact you?

In the meantime…I thought I’d share a little Elton John….