Life’s Too Short

I’m baaccckkkk!

Ok, so many of my friends here noticed my short hiatus turned out not to be so short. And yes. There were a few adventures along the way, but really, deep down, I got stuck again. I somehow found myself living one of my favorite melancholy Manilow songs…

Ok, replace “my woman” with just plain ol’ me (or my inspiration would probably be more accurate) because the other isn’t quite an accurate fit, but you’ll basically get the gist. Once again I allowed myself to get sucked into a career that drained me of some of my most valuable commodities.

Time.

And energy.

And once again it was for people who didn’t even know, understand, or appreciate my personal sacrifices. But that’s in the past.

I took a new job that is not nearly as demanding of my time, nor is it as draining of all my mental capacities. So, despite some personal tragedies along the way that I’m not quite ready to talk about (too fresh), I’m finally getting back to me!

Yesterday was my first time in a long time to post something I’d been inspired to share in quite some time. 1. It was great to be inspired. 2. It was awesome to have time and energy to share. See the theme?

I even got the chance to meet up with a friend for lunch, then brainstorm and information gather from a friend I’ll be using as a resource for my next book! He helped me flesh out characters that would work with the plot line I had envisioned. It felt great!

As always, there’s a song that helped inspire and engage my creativity with this relationship. Apparently it’s from a movie. I’ve never seen it, but the undercurrents spoke to me…

So I’m sorry I’ve been away so long. Hopefully I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve missed you guys. Am I forgiven? What’s new in your worlds?

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Power In A Name

Ever have someone ask you something and the first thing that comes to mind is…”that’s an epically bad idea?” That’s what happened to me this week, and it was all around names.

Who knew I could have such a visceral reaction to something so simple?

But it makes sense, right? I mean, names help to define who we are expected to be by the world as well as who we feel we can become, right?

And as writers, haven’t there been characters you’ve agonized over, trying to find just the right name to suit their appearance and their temperament?

So what name set me in such a tailspin it shoved me back onto my blog (which I’ve missed, by the way, and I’ll go into where I’ve been another day)? The name Judas. One of my sweet co-workers asked me what I thought of that name for a little boy.

I admit it. I was pretty horrified.

Me: Why would you do that to a child?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Do you have any idea of the connotations behind that name?

(She gave me that confused head tilt thingie that all dogs have down pat when they hear strange noises)

Her: Huh?

Me: Dude, Judas betrayed Jesus and got him killed! For 30 pieces of silver.

Male Co-worker chimes in: I think it’s a cool name.

Her: (looks over at me) She’s right, though.

Guy: But who was Jesus back then? A nobody. Why should he have cared? It was for money.

Me: (gasping in shock) Uh…even if you think back then Jesus was a nobody (and I definitely had no plans of getting into a deep theological discussion with two kinds I suspected weren’t very versed in that subject or history), he was supposed to be one of his best friends. They were together non-stop for 3 years! And he betrayed that friendship for 30 pieces of silver.

Her: That’s true. They were best friends.

Me: And, he felt so shitty afterwards that he committed suicide. Why would you want to put all that on a kid? Don’t you know that even to this day, when someone calls someone Judas they’re calling the person a traitor? And that happened a long time ago.

I didn’t even go into how much more time had passed compared to Benedict Arnold’s and how the negative connotations never disappeared.

As I thought back on that chat I got to thinking about all the effed up names out there. And I’m not just talking some of the sillier ones celebs come up with like Apple, etc. I mean, a good friend of mine in healthcare was telling me that she’d seen several people come in and write this ‘La-a’ one admission paperwork for their little ones. Unsure how to pronounce, she asked and was told (with a look telling her they thought she was stupid) “It’s La-dash-a!”

Am I the only one not cool enough to know that the proper words for punctuation marks are now to be part of the name?

And what names do you feel give bad juju anyone with the misfortune of having it? Are there certain names you feel predestine people for questionable career choices? And are there ones you absolutely love? How did you get your name? I’d love to hear from you!

Prodigal

You…Beautiful soul

Lost;

Alone and wandering.

Feeling 

So unloved

With your big,

Broken 

Heart in hand

Unsure what you’ve done

Wrong.

Waiting,

Tearfully, fearfully

Rejection

Feeling as natural 

As breathing.

Wondering why

You still stand,

Arms outstretched,

Your gift

Laid bare

For the world to see,

Hoping 

For someone

To take and shelter

What’s battered and bruised.

I see you…

That soul of shimmering

Light,

Clouded by darkness

You’re safe with me.

I’ll help you mend.

Dry your eye…

Welcome HOME.
 
Hey everyone… I know it’s been a while. Life just got away from me lately and left me feeling a bit out of sorts….maybe even lost. Part of it has been watching all the chaos and sadness in the world. It just feels sometimes like everyone’s gone a little crazy. Am I the only one feeling surrounded by hate, anger, bitterness, and bigotry (in all shapes, sizes, and colors)? 

There doesn’t seem to be enough space for simple kindnesses and gentleness. And those who are are mocked as weak, naive, and stupid. It’s sad…

So I thought I’d share… infuse a little hope. Try to be the change I want to see in the world.

Beauty of Taking the Lead #BOAW2017

This post is part of the Beauty of a Woman BlogFest VI GirlBoner edition! To read more entries, and potentially win a fun prize, visit the fest page on August’s McLaughlin’s site between today and 11pm PST March 11th.

I was 14 years old the first time I went against tradition and “asked a boy out” instead of waiting for him to ask me. He said yes, but the thing I remember most was the relief and elation on his face. It was then that I realized that women weren’t the only ones who felt pressure and anxiety within the expectations surrounding gender roles.

As I matured I found that I preferred being able to take charge, especially in the sexual dynamics of my relationships. In fact, I was seventeen the first time I thumb cuffed my much bigger, stronger boyfriend to our sofa and explored his chest and abs with my tongue. As a tiny girl of 5’3″ and 105 lbs, it was intoxicating to have such power and control of my 6’1″ athlete boyfriend. I had never felt so alive and in control as I did in that moment. And neither had he.

It was through experiences like these that I realized I was not designed for the stereotypes. Not everyone is. I knew I got a thrill from taking the lead, and realized there were plenty of men (and women) drawn to my self awareness and take charge attitude. Taking the power someone entrusted me with and bringing them the pleasure they sought was a heady rush that we shared together. Me as the giver, them as the taker, but both parties extremely satisfied.

I knew it wasn’t “the norm.” In fact, there were times where some men would judge my behaviors and assume I was a bitch or women would think my brand of confidence meant I was a lesbian. But so many more who needed my willingness and ability to charge gravitated towards me. I was lucky. I’d been raised by a parent who made it easy to be who I am.

All these things taught me that there are no “right” or “wrong” roles. There’s simply what each person is comfortable with and accepting that there’s always someone somewhere who needs what we have to offer, but that the real power is staying true to who you are and learning to be comfortable in your own skin instead of the mantle someone else tries to throw on you. It’s often easier said than done, but the satisfaction found from self acceptance? Sooo worth it.

What epiphanies have you had regarding your sexuality? What makes you uniquely you? Are you still discovering yourself?

I’m so glad that August McLaughlin and GirlBoner have given me the opportunity every year to share in female sisterhood and sexual empowerment! To me, these are the unltimate ways to share the different facets that make up the Beauty of a Woman.

Gone; Never Forgotten…

Jonathan, circa 1988

I remember driving in to work, singing along to the radio, when the emergency interruption happened. The announcement? That a plane had just flown into the first twin tower. I got a sick feeling in my gut.

I pulled into the parking lot and rushed into work, only to be interrupted by our loss prevention guy asking if I’d heard, ifI thought it had been done on purpose. At that moment I responded with, “God, I hope so…” But that niggling feeling would go away. And then the second tower fell, the question was answered.

As it was, I’d been barely holding it together before the towers. I was reflective; missing my baby brother who died in August of 1988. His birthday? September 11.

So on this day I miss him, I grieve with our country, and I wonder who he’d have been…

Thankfully, in a couple of days I’ll have something to celebrate….


My anniversary is coming up!

Need

Image courtesy of ImageryMajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net


Reach out,

Touch me,

Drill deep within my soul.

Lay me bare,

Unveil my passion–

Seduced by your heat,

A vision spread open,

Naked;

Vulnerable for you.

Ravish me

With pure emotion;

Secret desires

Unmasked.

Unleash the fury

Of your storm,

Wild and unbridled.

Release control,

Expose your need.

Trust my heart

To guard your fire,

To breathe in

Your relentless hunger–

Transforming me

To

Wanton bliss.