What the Dirty Mind Projects…

If it doesn’t sound familiar to you, good on ya.

Me? I practically wrote that book. I’d apologize, but I’m pretty sure no one would believe I was being sincere.

It’s not like I go out of my way… These opportunities just fall into my lap. I mean, have you ever really listened to announcers for sporting events? I do. And half of what they say is outright naughtiness. And, of course, me being me…I share it on FB or Twitter. Of course, if you’re my friend or follower on either of these formats, I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know.

I can’t be the only one, right? Those play-by-play guys sound completely pervy?

The knack for finding naughty in the midst of all things innocent is a gift…and happened again the other day at work. Because it happens so often I thought nothing of it until a couple days ago when this happened:

Co-worker: I got a new keychain.

Me: Cool!

Co-worker: Don’t act so surprised. It’s all your fault.

Me: Huh?

Co-worker: Ever since you made that comment about my old one, I can’t un-see it! Plus, I had a tendency to flick it which just made it that much worse.

Me: (laughing hilariously) So what you’re saying is I wasn’t wrong…

Of course, she didn’t comment on that. Well, unless you count when another co-worker mentioned her getting a new key chain which had her blaming me again and telling the other co-worker what I’d told her. The other peer’s response? “Of course she said that….”

You all tell me…

When you look at the above keychain, would you say something like, “Oh how cute! It’s a mini-flogger keychain!” Especially if it were red leather and the person holding it kept snapping her wrist and making the falls dance….?

Sadly, I then had to explain what the word flogger meant…she understood whip better (or maybe I should say ‘worse’). Of course, part of me found that kinda fun, too. Wouldn’t you if you were me?

Obviously I’m still way too entertained by this whole thing, but it had me wondering. When people say “we always have that one friend who…” I know the next part of that statement as it pertains to me will have something to do with either my grammar fetish or my dirty mind. What do people say about you? And what have you ruined for someone else that left you completely amused?

Black, White and the Gray

Has anyone else noticed the erosion of the middle ground?

While thinking about what I wanted to say today, my thoughts were initially on sex (I know, shocker, right?) and how there are moments when I feel like I’ve stepped back into the Victorian era. But the more I thought about it, the more it dawned on me. It’s not that we’ve gone back completely to the days where chastity belts were used (and not for kink) and sex was not done in polite society for any purpose but procreation. No. I have too many friends who know how to let their freak flag fly for that to be the case. The problem is that there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of middle ground anymore. Maybe E.L. James’ title, 50 Shades Of Grey, was more apropos than she realized…or maybe she’s a lot more savvy than we give her credit for.

A little while back a friend and I got to talking about how sex questions seem to find a way into my lap. Some of you may even remember that I did a blog post detailing a few of the questions that have floated my way over the years. Somehow we jumped from that to my penchant for pleasure parties. I casually mentioned that it had been a while since I’d hosted such an event and that it might be fun to revisit. Those parties tended to be a blast and the antics that often followed made for some hilarious storytelling amongst friends! Her reaction surprised me.

Me: It has been a while since I’ve hosted a toy party. Maybe I should do it again once I have some free time.
Her: Uh… If you have one of those parties, don’t bother inviting me, ok? Trust me, my feelings won’t be hurt.
Me: Huh?
Her: (Scrunches her nose) That’s not my kind of thing.
Me: Pleasure parties? They’re a ton of fun, but okay. No big deal. Have you ever been to one?
Her: No. I don’t need that kind of thing.
Me: What kind of thing?
Her: Sex toys. My man is all I need, right hon? (Rubbing his forearm)
Me: (blinking) Okay. Does that mean you’ve never used a sex toy?
Her: No. I don’t need to. They just seem unnatural.
Me: (biting tongue) Everybody’s different.

Yes, that was a big eye blink moment for me. It never occurred to me that I might have a friend who was completely closed minded about the topic of pleasure enhancers.

My friend is a sweetheart. She really is. It really surprised me that she bought into the misconceptions about sex toys. I dropped the conversation so she wouldn’t get uncomfortable, but I couldn’t help but notice her man’s face. He was kind of digging the idea of her going to a party and maybe bringing something home for them to play with. In fact, you could tell he thought it was a very cool concept (not that I would ever point that out to her–it’s just not my place).

Before you misunderstand, I’m not judging my friend. There’s no right or wrong. Her choices are her own. What did take me aback was that there is still the perception out there that adult toys were somehow designed to replace the need for a real, live partner. Considering how unhappy she’d been in her first marriage and our talks about her dissatisfaction with the physical aspect, it never occurred to me that she hadn’t forayed into the world of assisted self pleasure. It also never occurred to me that she’d be so adamantly opposed to the idea as to be mildly judgmental as to why their used. Thankfully, I’m past the point where I feel the need to defend my every choice or explain their purposes in my own bedroom. Our choices, our lives, our consequences.

So you may be thinking to yourself…those are sex toys. That’s not exactly a mild topic. Okay….let’s go a little more tame. How about erotic romance books? As many of you know, erotic romances are near and dear to my heart for obvious reasons… It’s the genre that holds my passion for writing. In fact, it wasn’t very long ago that Bring Back Desire asked me to write a post about why I enjoy erotic romance from a writer’s perspective and how I believe it can enhance a woman’s life.

It was while I prepared this piece that I remembered a chat I’d been involved in regarding love and marriage. The topic of erotic romances was introduced with the following question: “Do you feel that 50 Shades Of Grey and other erotic romances have changed the way women approach sex? If so, how?” It was a fair question. Personally, as many of you know, the book wasn’t my cup of tea, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s been very popular and has opened the doors for many very talented authors to finally get the attention they deserve. Most women said that such books have given them the courage to ask for what they want from their partners in the bedroom. Others said that it’s opened the doors to their imagination to exploration in areas they’ve never considered before. Still more mentioned opened their eyes to more than just “missionary” sex. All those things are great pluses for maintaining strong, healthy relationships.

What did surprise me? The responses of a few women. Some felt it necessary to criticize those who read such “garbage”. Others turned their noses down at the books and said things like “I don’t know how people can read books like that without laughing hilariously. That stuff isn’t real.” or “Those books are unrealistic and a waste of people’s hard earned money.” Okay, let’s be honest for a second. There are definitely some bad writers out there. That could be the cause of such condescending remarks, right? Were they just talking about the overall storyline? Because I can tell you from practical knowledge, most of those “dirty parts” are quite doable and usually pretty dead on. Was it wrong of me to wonder what their sex lives must be like?

The funny thing for those of us who’ve loved the genre for years (both as readers and writers)…we’ve heard it all…and have probably referred to our beloved books by those same nicknames. You know, trashy romance novels, smut books, that sort of thing. It doesn’t really offend us because we love it!

I also realize that reading erotic romances isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay. But to criticize other people because they derive pleasure from it? Come on.

So why did I mention “gray area” in the beginning? Maybe partially because I can be a person of intense emotions. I’ve been told that there isn’t much of a middle ground within my personal spectrum. But it’s more than that. When dealing with sex, it seems that somehow our society has created two sides. Those that are very open to exploration, new concepts, “alternative lifestyles”. They often have a “wild” side (even if it’s hidden way back in their closet, only to be taken out with their trusted partner). Or those that are practically puritanical in their beliefs. They believe that sex isn’t something that should be discussed openly and definitely not in mixed company…and you get the rest.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m way off base. What do you guys think? Are there other places where you’ve noticed the lack of gray area? Because I’ll be honest with you…I don’t think the lack of gray is limited to just sex…. I won’t even touch politics because that just gets downright nasty!

So, like Salt ‘n’ Pepa said… Let’s Talk About Sex. You know I love it when you share what you’re thinking!

Common Household Items Making Playtime FUN!

I’ve been thinking about this long and hard since I did my last post about sex toys… Yes, it was all tongue in cheek and humorous, but it got me thinking. There are actually a lot of people out there who are not comfortable going to sex shops….or even speaking frankly about sex. There are still people who find the subject of adult toys or sexual enhancements as something to never be discussed.

Well, I don’t think it’s fair that these folks suffer simply because they’re a bit skittish, so I started thinking about all the common household items that can double as adult toys. Of course. Hey, if I were normal, half of you guys wouldn’t be hanging out here with me, am I right? LOL!

So we’ll start with with a few simple things that won’t surprise anyone. Food play, of course! And no, I’m not talking insertion. I don’t want to come over to your house, look down at my salad and wonder if the cucumbers or carrots have been pre-used. I’m talking about things like whipped cream or hot fudge or ice! A little tip…when talking whipped cream, don’t go for cool whip. To me there’s nothing sexy about ladling out a spoonful of that stuff, then plopping it on the body. What you want is something that allows you and/or your partner to get decorative and playful!

Ally Larter's whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues

Ally Larter’s whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues

Hot fudge is great to drizzle along a partner’s body, then lick it up. If you’ve never tried it, you’re truly missing out…and it’s fantastic for the chocoholics out there. Ice cubes are also great fun…especially when used on women. Let’s be real for a moment. When we get hot…we get hot EVERYWHERE! Sensation play is fun for a reason. Let your body be cooled down just a smidge with an ice cube… Hey, it’s just water, afterall. Inserting that into the vajayjay while you’re steaming hot? ::shudders:: Yeah, the hot and cool make for very powerful sensations.

Minty Treats

Minty Treats

While we’re talking about body play, it would be wrong of me not to mention the benefits of Altoids, menthol cough drops or toothpaste. Here’s the deal… Some guys can tell you from experience, receiving a blowjob while a woman has a mentholated cough drop or Altoid in her mouth creates this awesome hot and cold sensation. Well, it goes the same for us! When a guy sucks on one of those bad boys while giving us oral, the minty mingles with the hot to explosive results. Now the toothpaste thing can be tricky. A little minty toothpaste can do the same thing to a man, but use too much and it can make him feel like his dick is burning….and whatever you do, don’t put this on the head. Yikes!

For those of you who are a little more daring… No dildo but curious to try? Here’s an option for you…

roundhairbrushNo, I’m not talking about the bristly part…what kind of freak do you think I am? LOL! The handle, however, could be utilized. When selecting a hairbrush for insertion purposes, there are a few thing you want to take into account. Will it be comfortable? This is why the rounded handles tend to better suit these needs. Also, how sanitary can I keep this item? This is why my personal tastes shy away from the ones with those squishy silicone sides or rubberized grips. I also tend to shy away from wood because things like splinters, etc pop into my head. If you choose to use this, remember, it’s important to select something where the bristles at the top of the brush aren’t uncomfortable in your hand. After each use, always remember to wash it with soap and water.

Multipurpose Brush/Toy

Multipurpose Brush/Toy

Now this one can be used for 2 things. One is what we just discussed above. The second? Well, if you’re willing to try erotic spankings, I recommend first using your partner’s hand. See how it works for you. If you want to try something a little more, this baby has a nice, flat surface on the back that makes for a decent paddle. Another item that can be used in this manner is a wooden spoon. Do not use the hard plastic or metal ones unless you know what you’re doing. Those things can be more painful than you think and there isn’t much give to them. The short handle on this one makes for better control and shorter swings, limiting the chance of hurting your partner. (Yes, some people even graduate to leather belts, but it’s not for everyone.)

Wooden Clothes Pin

Wooden Clothes Pin

For those of you curious about nipple clamps, here’s a potential alternative. Whatever you do, don’t try the plastic ones until you have an idea of where your pleasure/pain balance or threshold is. There is absolutely no give to a plastic one. Wooden ones, however, have a little give. Make sure your nipples are good and hard before you decide to pinch them between this device. Also, it helps blend the pain and pleasure the first time if you’re also being stimulated elsewhere. My personal recommendation is simultaneous stimulation to the clitoral area, which leads quite nicely into my next toy.

Personal Massager

Personal Massager

Curious about clitoral stimulators? Yes, they have little finger ones that you can buy in the condom aisle at your local grocery or drugstore these days, but if you’re shy even talking about personal toys, chances are you’re not ready to announce to your local grocery store that you masturbate (regardless of the fact that it’s perfectly normal). Here is an alternate option. Even Walmart and Target carries some variation of this bad boy. Again, remember the importance of cleaning when you’re done. (By the way, there are all sorts of use for KY Jelly, so hopefully you don’t feel shy about getting lubricant. If so, send your partner.)

For those of you wanting to play with some light bondage? Here’s what I’ll say…use scarves (no, we’re not talking the winter scarf variety, more the decorative types) as a blind fold. Other common household items commonly used for light bondage?



What can I say, ladies…if you’ve got a run in one, you might as well repurpose them! Use them to tie your partner up…or let them tie you.

My personal favorite

My personal favorite

If I’m going to be tied up, I like men’s ties. I find them sexy around a man’s neck…it stands to reason I’d find it equally sexy around his wrists…or mine if the mood takes me there. Here are a few warnings to consider with bondage, though. First, talk together and come up with a “safe word”. This will allow you to know when it’s not fun anymore and to stop. Also, if you are someone who struggles hard, don’t use silk or nylon items…they get tighter the more you struggle. This can do very bad things for your circulation and make them more difficult to remove. Having said that, have scissors or a knife handy in case this does happen so you can quickly cut them off. More importantly, pay attention to your partner’s body language so it doesn’t get to that point.

As you can tell, I take my fun seriously. I believe sexual fun and exploration with your partner is hugely important to the maintenance of any relationship. Communication is key. If you’re wanting to experiment, you don’t have to look very far to find new and exciting ways to spice up your lifestyle. You just have to open your eyes and look around! Now I’m sure there are a few household appliances that I forgot to mention. Were there any items on my list that surprised you? Have you tried any of these tricks? How did it go? If you have something to add, please do! If you have questions, feel free to ask.

Bill Engvall Was Right. Stupid People Need Signs.


I think I was in fifth grade when I discovered my love for warning and rules and regulations signs. We were on a field trip into downtown Chicago…probably to one of the numerous museums we have…when our teacher stood up and made the following announcement.

“Kids, there are signs all over the city that warn you to beware of pickpockets. When you see these signs your instinct will be to check for your wallet or wherever else you may be keeping your money. Ignore your instincts. The smart pickpockets know this and are probably just leaning on the sign, waiting for YOU to make their job easy and let them know where your money is.”

I laughed a little, but found myself thinking, my…how very clever!

Unfortunately, not everyone is all that brilliant… In fact, it blows my mind how much common sense flies out the window! It shouldn’t. I mean, Bill Engvall made a career based on the fact that stupid people should be required to wear signs that say they’re stupid so you’d know what to expect…and that Warning Labels were created because some idiot tried it, then wrote to the company to complain. He’s right!

Back when I first started my blog last August I saw these ground rules at one of those gamer stores. Here’s the link to that post in case you missed it. Some of those rules are hilarious while others are rules to live by! Role Play Games

Why am I revisiting this? Because of a couple things I’ve seen in the last week. you see, last week I was running some errands with a friend & we stopped by his veterinarian’s office to pick up meds for his dog. As we sat there waiting, my eye wandered to the warning sign framed on their wall. Now I’m really wishing I took a picture of it.

The warning said, “Under no circumstance do we accept returns on your dog medications, nor do we give refunds for them.” I laughed. Looking over at the receptionist I said, “does that seriously happen?” She nodded & told me it happened often enough to merit the sign. All I could think of was how those meds could be replaced by anything and brought back if they accepted returns…and how dangerous that could prove to be.

Then yesterday we went to my favorite adult toy shop and for the first time I noticed their sign. Theirs stated that the only returns they took were on defective products and that all sales were final due to sanitation laws. Again, I laughed to myself…

Looking at the owner’s daughter who was working I said, “Eww! I can’t believe that’s even a problem. YOU wouldn’t want someone else’s used toys, so what on God’s green earth makes you think someone would want yours!”

She laughed and nodded, “But you use common sense.”

“It just means you’d better pay attention when you shop and be sure that what you’re buying is truly something you want,” I said.

So you guys tell me… What signs or warning labels have had you scratching your head? Have you ever been witness to any odd returns? What warning label have you seen that’s either had you shaking your head or just laughing hysterically?

Caught In The Act…Almost.

Although I was the “queen of sex information”, it wasn’t until a little more than 10 years ago that I bought anything that could be perceived as a traditional sex toy. As many of you know, my first career was in medically related. After having worked in the ER, seeing some of these kinds of “mishaps” I’m sure you can understand my concern. I mean…I practically grew up at that hospital. Many of the staff were either family or close friends of the family. There was no way I wanted to subject myself to that kind of embarrassment.

There was another part to my trepidation about visiting an adult shop. In fact, I’d hazard that even the most open minded women have moments of hesitation at the thought of walking into a shop…especially alone! When I pictured going, it was always a dimly lit place, or dirty. Even worse was the concern of who might see you there or the type of employee working behind the counter. Always, in my mind’s eye, I’d picture the worst….and there are times when that’s exactly what you get…I mean, many of you read about my last visit….

I had been in Florida for about a year when I decided to go back home to Chicago for a visit. While staying at my mom’s place one of my best friends from Junior High and I decided to meet for breakfast. As happens with old friends, breakfast turned into spending the day together. While hanging out she mentioned that she had plans to go to a pleasure party at a friend’s house and invited me to come along. She’d never been to one and was a bit embarrassed at the thought of going alone. I’d never been to one before, but thought it sounded like a blast!

While we were there all sorts of toys and creams and lingerie were paraded around for us to check out. Of course with a room full of women, there was much giggling. I thought it was a great alternative to going to an adult store. Better yet, your orders were taken privately and individually, and were wrapped in brown paper bags so that no one knew what you purchased. Of course women talk, so only a few people’s orders remained private.

When it was my turn to go into the room and order I debated what I wanted to buy. Why? Because I had this image embedded into my brain. My overly vivid imagination had this picture of getting to the airport, preparing to go through security…and as I prepared to check my bag…a vibrator going off….very loudly…from inside my luggage. In my mind’s eye I saw a TSA employee calling in for an assist and a swarm of security officers opening my bag very cautiously…the eyes of everyone in the airport now on that suitcase….as they pull out something that looked like this…(or worse).


The thought completely mortified me. So I played it safe. I purchased a cream called nipple nibblers….strawberry flavored, of course. Their purpose should be obvious. I also picked up a numbing agent for the back of the throat for blowjobs…not Goodhead, though I have tried their stuff, too. I honestly don’t remember the brand anymore. Finally, I purchased something with a minty flavor that made a woman all tingly in her lady parts. 😉

After my fun experience I decided I wanted to try to host one of these parties, myself! I looked around online and found a company called Slumber Parties. I registered online to hostess a pleasure party for my friends and I. I figured…now I could buy some fun stuff and not have to worry about embarrassing myself in front of airport security… (Not to mention family…if my exploration led to an emergency hospital visit)

I was pleasantly surprised. The lady who came out was cool, hilarious…and very knowledgeable. Every single one of my friends walked away buying something. This meant discounts and bonuses for me. This woman was smart. She let us sample the creams…using one hand for the tasting hand and the other for the feeling (things like lubricant, etc). The creams that were created for different sensations down below…she picked a couple of volunteers to sample, put some on a qtip, gave instructions and sent them into the ladies room to try on. It was fun watching them squirm through the presentations on vibrators, etc. (And no, gentlemen…the ladies didn’t all “try them”…we just passed them around and felt how strong the vibrations were in our hands).

Well, you know how concerned I was about those embarrassing moments? They never happened to me….but, thanks to my little party…they DID happen to a couple of friends. I think the vibrator that most intrigued our group of ladies was something called the G-Wiz. This particular toy had two removable silver bullets and battery operated controls. It was meant to hit 3 orgasm spots. There was a clitoral stimulator, a vaginal wall stimulator and it curved to hit the g-spot.

I can still hear our lady telling us…”Now ladies, the G-Spot is NOT a myth. This particular device will not only help you find it, but if you’ve never had one, will help you experience it. You’ve now felt how powerful the vibrations are from those silver bullets. I will warn you of one thing. Be sure you have a towel handy. When you insert this toy and you turn on the power…the curve will have the tip of this toy tapping on your g-spot. You may feel like you have to pee. Do not stop! You do not have to pee. That is the g-spot swelling up to give you that orgasm. Your orgasm will be intense and messy…and it’s NOT pee.”

She wasn’t lying…

One of my friends who purchased that device came up to me a few months later, completely mortified.

Her: Oh my God!

Me: What’s the matter?

Her: Remember that toy I bought at your party?

Me: Yeah…Last I heard you were enjoying it quite a bit!

Her: I was! Now I just want to die!!!

Me: What happened?

Her: Well, you know how tough it is to find “alone time” when you’ve got 4 kids.

Me: Yeah…

Her: It’s even worse when your mother-in-law lives with you, too.

Me: (trying hard not to laugh) Noooo…

Her: I was alone in the house…had a great time…but then I heard the front door, so I dropped the thing by my laundry and rushed to get dress so the kids wouldn’t find anything.

Me: Yeah….?

Her: I went back last night to get it and put it away and I couldn’t find it!

Me: Oh, crap.

Her: That’s when I noticed the laundry had been taken and washed and folded. (in a wail) My mother-in-law did my laundry!!!

Me: Did you ask her if she found it?

Her: Hell no! I’m too embarrassed. I’m not asking her shit! When are you having another party?

And then there was my other friend. She came to work a few weeks later, looked at me and burst out laughing. I gave her one of my “what the heck was that” looks…and once she could breath again she told me.

Her: You remember the pleasure party you had at your house?

Me: Yeah…

Her: Well, since I’ve been working so much I thought I’d buy a little something for Sam.

Me: Like what?

Her: I think you call it a “pocket pussy”.

Me: Oh, I think I remember seeing that in the catalog.

Her: Well, Sam and I have a little toy chest for that sort of thing, especially with 3 boys in the house, but I think he may have forgot to put it away after the last time he used it.

Me: What makes you say that?

Her: He was snoozing on the couch last night, watching tv and one of the boys wanted his attention. I looked over and my son was trying to wake him up by smacking him in the head with it…over and over again.

Me: (laughing hilariously at the image)Pocket P

Her: Yeah…thank goodness I didn’t get the lifelike looking one. That might have been too much. It was all I could do to grab it out of the hands of one of my twins. I couldn’t even ask him where he got it from because I didn’t want to draw attention to what he was holding.

Me: Oh, wow! What did Sam do?

Her: He looked at me, shook his head and walked into the bedroom after taking it out of my hands…his shoulders were shaking as he walked away.

Me: I’ll bet!

All I could think of was that I was immensely grateful that one of my other gal pals didn’t buy the Swing she wanted to buy. She was over 200 lbs…and without knowing how much weight that thing could hold…it could’ve been very, very bad.

Have you had one of those awkward sex toy moments? Or have you had a fear of one of those moments happening to you that’s prevented you from buying one?

I have to say…they’re a ton of fun…but if you have children there are two things to consider. 1.) Have a designated toy hiding spot. 2.) Make sure that the hiding spot has a lock… Having said that, I think it’s getting to be about that time for me to go shopping again. I’ve been thinking something in glass…

C’mon…you can’t say you’re surprised about the music choice considering the content of this post…LOL!

Awkward Emergencies And Other Hilarious Moments

Truth truly IS stranger than fiction.

There is one awesome side benefit to having been so close to the medically related world most of your life. Most of you may think it’s the free medical advice while others may think it’s the info you soak up along the way. The former is definitely a good thing. The latter…eh…let’s just say that then you know enough to become a hypochondriac with strong webmd skills. For me, though, the best part are the very interesting stories that you get to hear…and the images that fire the imagination.

When I was in eigth grade I remember tittering with laughter in one of my girl friend’s rooms as we talked about the sheer humiliation of two of her classmates. These two youngsters had snuck to the girl’s house during lunch period that day to make out. Well, they both had braces. Yes. You guessed it! Their braces locked together. Fortunately they had the same orthodontist and it was a small town. The humiliating part? They had to walk to the orthodontist’s office locked at the mouth, then their parents had to be called.

When I wound up in braces myself, I had flashback moments to this story. I was very reluctant to date any guy who was also wearing braces for fear of this situation happening to me. As I got more experienced I realized…if you’re a decent kisser and know what you’re doing…this isn’t really an issue. The problem becomes when you get more sexually active. For example…an EMT friend of mine responded to an emergency call. As he and the rest of the guys walked in, they weren’t sure exactly what was going to greet them. Sitting on the couch was a pretty young woman in her early twenties…with her boyfriend attached, quite literally, to her nipple. The boyfriend in question was not trying to nurse on this young woman…but he wore braces. When he went to suck on her nipples, apparently some how, some way the skin from her breasts became caught in his braces. As he tried to pull away, she howled in agony, advising him to keep still. As they told the story to the paramedics/EMT’s, the guys tried very stoically to maintain professionalism. The young lady proceeded to tell them that she freaked out. She’d considered trying to drive them in, but realized that as he was attached to her left breast there wasn’t really a way to get him into the car and to the ER. Even if she could, she couldn’t get her arm both around his head and on the steering wheel in a way that would allow her control of the car. Oh, the images THAT one evoked.

But wait! It gets better! I used to work in the ER sometimes, but mostly upstairs in admissions. When I’d work evenings, I’d lock up the admissions office, then bring all the pertinent information I had to the ER registration people. One night, as I dropped my info off and was getting ready to head out the door, one of the guys pulled me aside to tell me what I’d missed. It was around the holidays, so a lot of the college kids were back in town. Apparently, a cute little brunette in her 20’s had come in a few minutes before I arrived. When she walked up to the registration desk, my friend invited her to sit down. She declined, preferring to stand. She moved around quite a bit & paced. Her face was flushed. He took down her name and address, got her emergency contact, then asked her our standard question.

Registration employee: What seems to be the problem today?
College girl: (blushing profusely) Do I have to say?
Registration employee: Well, I have to write down what’s wrong so that they know what they’re seeing you for.
College girl: (Mumbles)
Registration employee: I’m sorry, what did you say? I didn’t quite understand you.
College girl: Ummm…(leans in close and whispers softly) I lost my vibrator.
Registration employee: Oh. OH! Ok. And do you have insurance?
College girl: (realizing her parents will get the ER visit bill) Um, can I pay for it myself? And can I give you a different address to send the bill to?
Registration employee: Sure.

As he told me the story, all I could think of was…no wonder she declined to sit. Can you imagine what her drive into the hospital was like? Guess she was missing her boyfriend!

Then there was the day that my mom came home from work back when I was still in high school. She got off at 11 pm and also did time in the ER. Apparently when her relief person came in the lady was disgusted. She was a larger German woman with four children. Her hands were waving dramatically as she muttered under her breath. That convo?

Mom: Karen, what’s wrong?
Karen: There are some really sick people out there Jos’!
Mom: What happened?
Karen: As I was walking in there was a man laying face down on a guerney.
Mom: Oh, dear. I hope he’s okay.
Karen: He was fine! He was an idiot!
Mom: What makes you say that?
Karen: He’s here because he got a carrot. Stuck up his butt! (hand motions pointing to the derriere) The carrot broke! Now he’s here.
Mom: Oh dear!

But wait! There’s more! I got promoted from my registration job to “bed control”. This meant that when I was on shift in the evenings, I became the manager on duty. It also meant that every time a person got admitted into the hospital I got called. I also got called with updates from the emergency room when someone would go on lunch, filling me in on potential admissions or situations. So here’s a call I took one evening.

Me: Hey, Tam, what’s up?
Tammy: You’re not going to believe this one.
Me: I don’t know. We both know I’ve seen some pretty interesting things over the years.
Tammy: Um, this was interesting even for me.
Me: Soo? What is it?
Tammy: There’s a guy in the back right now because his wife shoved a real thermometer up his urethra.
Me: What? Seriously? A MERCURY thermometer?
Tammy: Yup!
Me: That’s poisonous. Does she have any idea how dangerous it is?
Lady walks up to Tammy’s desk: (embarrassed) You know, I’m his wife. I find it very rude and unprofessional of you to be discussing my husband this way.
Tammy: Hang on, Kitt. (Puts the phone down and turns to the woman) Ma’am. I’m sorry that you’re embarrassed about what is going on with your husband, but it is my job to update my supervisor on potential admissions before I go to lunch which is exactly what I’m doing. (Turns away, dismissing the woman) You still there?
Me: Yup! Did the lady walk away?
Tammy: Yeah, she finally stomped off. Hey! She shouldn’t do stuff like that if she doesn’t want people to hear about it.
Me: LOL! I think this is worse than the call I got from the Operating Room a few minutes ago. They needed a bed for a guy who had a penile fracture.
Tammy: I wonder if they put it in a cast? And if this thermometer breaks, who knows! (laughing) This guy may have a fracture, too.
Me: I was wondering the same thing!

Had enough yet? How about one last one? Tammy seemed a magnet for these strange situations, because it was she and I working in the ER together for the last one. She got called into a room to register an elderly woman. She was sweet and adorable and looked like everyone’s grandma. Tammy told me about this conversation when she got back from the room…she couldn’t keep a straight face.

Tammy: Hi there, ma’am! How are you today?
Grandma lady: Hi dear! I’m doing okay.
Tammy: Do you have your drivers license and insurance card so I can get started on your registration?
Grandma lady: Sure! (hands the info over)
Tammy: So what brings you in today?
Grandma lady: I have some greenery growing…Down there!
Tammy: What?
Grandma lady: I appear to have some sort of shrubbery growing…DOWN THERE! (pointing toward her lady parts)
Tammy: Shrubbery?
Grandma lady: Yes dear. I felt something strange down there, so I took a mirror and I looked. There is greenery growing…down there!
Tammy: Um, ok. Thank you ma’am.

She walked back to me, told me the story and asked, “What in the heck do I put the diagnosis section on something like that?”

“Foreign body in vaginal area?” I guessed.

What had actually happened? That’s what you’re wondering, right? Well, so did we, so we asked. Apparently the woman’s uterus had been prolapsing. One of her friends had just had the surgery done, but she felt she was too busy to have the surgery after the doctor had told her what was wrong. To temporarily “fix” the problem she’d shoved a potato up there. What do we know about potatoes? What is the ideal environment for them to grow in? Warm, dark, wet areas you say? Imagine that! You see, dementia had begun to set in for this poor woman…and she’d forgotten that she’d shoved that potato up there. Wow!

So what about you guys? What are some of the strangest “wound up in the hospital” stories you’ve heard? Have you been one of those strange stories? C’mon…share, share! It’s all fun and games until a potato starts growing…;-)