K is for Kinship and Kink

Courtesy of Bitstrips on Facebook

Courtesy of Bitstrips on Facebook

Kink– sex that deviates from the traditional (and potentially boring) missionary position. Okay, so it’s really more than that, but you get my gist.

Like a little ass slapping and hear pulling with your doggie style? There are those that would call that kink.

Like to take charge in the bedroom? Control the play? Make someone beg? Submit to your dark, carnal desires? Yeah, that’s kink, too.

Enjoy a partner in crime in your seduction? Prefer 3 or more people with your seductions?

Preoccupied with anal sex? Seduced by feet?

Heck, there are so many more kinks out there it’s easy to lose track. But one thing is for certain… in the fetish world, there’s an acceptance, understanding, and camaraderie. No judgments.

Which reminds me…. I have always had a thing for bondage, but I’m dying to try my hand at learning rope bondage. I think it’s sexy as hell. Time to start looking for someone to give me rigging lessons. 🙂

It’s actually through my love of kink that I made some of my coolest online friendships…that have blossomed into relationships that I cherish.

It was through our mutual love of kinky books (and sex) that I met the ultra fabulous, Ande Lyons. Thanks to shared interests and conversations, she invited me to guest on her Bring Back Desire site. Here’s one I wrote for her on Exploring Sensual Pleasure With Common Household Items. Through our shared interests, we’ve built a friendship for the ages.

Through blogging I discovered fellow blogger, author, and sexual empowerment advocate extraordinaire, August McLaughlin of Girl Boner. Her passion and desire to educate and help drew me in. Our mutual desire to empower and battle sexual shaming made us pretty much instant friends. One of my biggest thrills was guesting on her Girl Boner radio. If you haven’t checked her out yet, you don’t know what you’re missing! She’s sweet, smart, and savvy.

It was through a mutual friend who noted my love of the “kink and taboo” that I was introduced to one of my dear friends, the ever interesting and intellectual Professor Taboo. It took no time at all for me to become very intrigued with his blog posts. Due to our common ground and mutual love of dialogue, it was no time at all before we were very active in responding to one another’s posts. He’s one of those guys who calls it like he sees it, keeps it real, and lives his life unapologetically. The fact that we joke about what kind of clash for dominance would ever occur is just icing on the cake. 😉

Between Twitter, Facebook, blogging, and writing it was only a matter of time before Anna of Herding Cats and Burning Soup blog and I became friendly. In fact, despite the fact that we had connected through social media, it wasn’t until a mutual friend told me about her shared Facebook group, The Kinkery, that we really interacted with any sense of frequency. She’s a woman with a reading fetish for pierced cock, great dialogue, and sexy book covers. And then there’s the fact that she’s pretty no holds barred about what she’ll welcome on her blog. Is it any wonder I think she rocks? By the way, she’s also the one who talked me into this A-Z challenge.

Yep! There’s a distinct kinship that is created when mutually open minded and adventurous people come together. What things have you found bond you together with fellow bloggers or internet friends? What kinks do you enjoy? Is there something your dying to learn more about? Share! Who knows? I may even be able to help point you in the right direction…

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Paying My Respects to #JimmyMcIver this Holiday Season

Ever meet someone and felt fortunate to know them? That was my friend Jimmy McIver. Thanks to my passion for poetry and music, Ande Lyons introduced me to this fun, fabulous soul via Twitter. It wasn’t long till we were sharing poetry via email. He called his “Cowboy” poetry. They had that authentic, old range cowboy feel to them…including inflections, and they were terrific. I’ll cherish them and our chats about our shared art.

He also shared music with many of us, causing us to refer to ourselves as “Jimmy’s Ladies.” The conversations ran from encouraging to hilarious, to a bit off color, but regardless, they were always entertaining. Imagine our sorrow and disappointment when we saw the following message….

Jimmy

He was always so kind and cheerful that many of us probably thought we’d have him to enjoy forever…. God had other plans, and he was called “Home.” I thought it was appropriate for my daily holiday song this month to be a country one, because that was his favorite…and he always got a kick out of challenging my knowledge.

One day we’ll all be called home, so I hope ya’ll appreciate my choice. And for those of you missing someone special this holiday season, please know I’m giving you a big virtual hug.

Sext and the Modern Age

Many of you may not know this, but my “real world” career outside of writing is actually within the wireless electronics industry.

Yes, that means I’m a pro with smart phones, tablets, etc. It also means I keep up with a lot of the trends…and have usually tried them before they became the cool thing to do. 😉

Selfies? Yeah…I think I started doing that 8 years or so ago.

Sexting? It was a think long before the Favre scandal or Anthony’s Weiner was exposed… 😉

So when Ande Lyons, the Passion Curator for Bring Back Desire, invited me to write a post about relationships and sexting, I jumped at the opportunity. I think it gets a bad rap….and you guys know how I can be when I’m discussing a topic I’m passionate about. Ya’ll have got to stop on over and check it out. Your support or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

Are there any new trends in technology that have wowed or intrigued you? Anything you’ve heard people talk about surrounding technology that you were afraid to ask about because you didn’t want to sound stupid? Share with me….I’ll try to explain as best as I can…or maybe one of the other folks on here will dive on in.

In the meantime, I’ll share a little snippet from my book, Four One Night, with you guys where my heroine, Dani, definitely uses her cell phone to bring on the fun…

Four One Night WEBSITE USE

 

Shaking my head and smiling at our antics, I dialed Michael, glad her mood had lightened with my playful distraction. With the receiver to my ear, the muted strains of “My Cherie Amour” floated through instead of a ring. The frigid air whipped through the thin cotton of my shirt causing a shudder to ripple through my curvy frame. I grabbed for my key fob and quickly pressed the unlock button.

“Hey babe,” his dark, raspy voice came on the line. “What’s up?”

“Well, that all depends on you,” I purred as my hands motioned Candace to get in the car. “Work was nuts and Candace and I need to blow off some steam. We’re headed over to Club Heat for ladies night. Will you join us or do we need to find some other sexy men to play with?”

“Ooh, someone’s feeling feisty.” I could practically see his smile through the rumble in his voice. “I love it when Miss Dani comes out to play.”

“Then you’re gonna love me tonight.” Grabbing the handle, I tugged my door open. Finally out of the chilled air and in the driver’s seat, I slammed the door shut and shoved my key in the ignition.

“Two wild women looking to unleash themselves after a bad day?” The little beep of his car alarm being released sounded through the receiver followed by the slam of the door. “That may be more than I can handle alone.”

Tipping my head against my shoulder to cradle the phone, I turned the key in the ignition, quickly followed by the heater. “Michael Gallo! Afraid you might need reinforcements?”

Music flared in the background as he started his car. “Afraid is such a strong word. I prefer to think of it as being prepared for any eventuality.”

“Well, you know how I feel. The more, the merrier. Hot men and alcohol make everything better!” With one last look in my rear view mirror, I shifted into drive, leaving our bad day in the dust.

His rich laughter slid through me, warming me from the inside. “Good. I’ll give James a call and we’ll see you soon.”

I nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

Friends are the Sweetest Thing EVER!

I’m fortunate to be surrounded both in real life and online by an amazing group of friends. We laugh together, support one another, and cheer each other on. In fact, my awesome buddy, Ande Lyons, of Bring Back Desire, was kind enough make me this!

Love Yourself

This was the quote August McLaughlin featured on her blog, announcing the winners from her Beauty of a Woman (Girl Boner edition) Blogfest! What’s even cooler? I’m one of those winners! I will be reading my post, then hanging out for a little bit to chat on the one and only GirlBoner radio! Yes, I’ll share more when the time comes, but guys…seriously. If you haven’t checked her show out yet, you need to do it NOW! You won’t regret it, I promise!

As if this isn’t already an abundance of friendship and support, there’s more! My dear friend, Stephanie, invited me to do a guest post and GIVEAWAY on her blog!

Fangs Wands & Fairy Dust

We actually met at Authors After Dark in Savannah (Steph, how did we not wind up taking a pic together then???). We sat together during the Vampire Ball and we started chatting. Afterward, we became friends on Facebook and Twitter and I followed her blog, so when she found out she’d be headed to my neck of the woods for a little while she reached out and asked if I’d like to meet her for coffee or wine.

COFFEE? WINE? I was IN! Well, truthfully, it was Steph, so she could’ve mentioned a walk on the beach and I’d have still been good to go. She’s pretty awesome.

She’d welcomed me to write a guest post for her blog, which thrilled me to death. I love her blog! But I wanted to do something special. Something unique for my friend. So, since my tastes vary and I’ll write whatever comes to mind anyway, I asked her if there was something specific she would like me to cover. The task she gave me proved to be not only fun, but right up my alley!

Four One Night WEBSITE USE

Stop by, show her some love (and me some support)…because, like I said….she’s awesome and I’m giving something away! Plus, we’re talking BDSM terms, fantasies and Four One Night!

And because it wouldn’t be The Sweetest Thing without a clip from one of my favorite movies of the same title…(And it’s a shout out to my favorite “kinkery” book club and their love of cock rings)…here’s a little something/something.

And my shout out to all my gal pals and our crazy ass sense of humor? (Because my BFF and I would totally do something like this.)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, despite hubby’s accident yesterday (he was unharmed), it’s been a great week for me. Are you celebrating anything you want to share with the class? 😉

If Love Is A Battlefield….

…is sex the weapon?

How many times have we all heard-

“Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

I can’t tell you how much I’ve come to dislike that statement now that I’m older and understand it better. Why, you ask? I’m about to tell you.

Sometimes I wonder how it is that we still don’t seem to have put this statement together with the historical idea of women as chattel. First, let me clarify, I’m not about to say that anyone should be in a rush to lose their virginity as it’s not really worth anything. Not. At. All. Most of you have followed me long enough that you know I find beauty in virtue and purity, just as I find beauty in sensual pleasures.

What I am saying is that the originating statement came from a time where virginity was just another bartering tool used to bring the highest price possible for selling off your daughter to improve the family’s social and financial standing….and is as old as time. Well, a time when women didn’t really have much say in how their own lives could/would be shaped. Personally I’m grateful not to be living in that time, but I wonder if we’re really so far removed from some of their ideologies, especially when it comes to sex. In fact, there are times when I research back on that time and wonder if they weren’t more progressive in their thinking after the initial marriage than we are today.

Here’s the thing, if you’ve still got your purity intact, to me, the gifting is in finding someone worthwhile to share that special moment with…who will help enrich the experience by their mere presence. The reality is, you only have your virginity once, so it should be special….a celebration of transition in life. Sharing it should happen with someone who appreciates the moment and you. If that means someone you love, someone you like a lot, or the person you intend on sharing the rest of your life with, great! It should not be the carrot dangled at the end of a stick a la “I’ll let you have my virginity if you ‘put a ring on it’.” Yes, I’m saying I don’t agree with the Beyoncé song. I just don’t think ultimatums are a good way to kick off a relationship.

Now you’re saying, “But Kitt, what about those of us who aren’t virgins?” Let’s be honest, there are more of you reading this blog than there are of the “chaste” variety. Am I right? 😉 Well, I’m so glad you asked…because it was something that happened a couple of weeks ago that prompted this whole post.

My dear friend, Ande Lyons, interviewed Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird aka The Love Birds, relationship counselors and clinical sexologists, on her Loving And Lasting radio show about how to keep your marriage/relationship sexually satisfying. One of the calls they took was from a woman who was starting a newer relationship. She’d discussed the fact that she was a firm believer in starting as she meant to continue. For her, that meant she discussed how important sex and intimacy was for her.

I thought what The Lovebirds said…”Good for her!” Begin as you mean to continue, right? She set her expectations early. She opened the lines of communication regarding sex immediately! Her candor regarding her desires was refreshing…and not usually the norm in many relationships.

Instead, what we usually see is more weaponization of sex. How many times have you heard or seen people trade sex for status and a certain type of lifestyle? These are the “I won’t date you unless you’re in a certain financial bracket or have a job I consider impressive enough to brag about to my friends.” We all know them. They value people by the size of their wallets, etc. Those are the obvious ones….and most of us agree that it’s not really a good place to expect any real happiness or intimacy. We feel for the poor sucker that gets caught in that honey trap (usually because they fail to see past the superficial).

Personally, if you are intrigued enough with a person to give dating the ol’ ‘college try’, I don’t see the issue with taking the rest of him/her for a test drive, too. Imagine what would happen if folks knew whether or not they were sexually compatible from the beginning. What if you discussed your likes and dislikes early? Might it not set the tone for sharing what’s working and not working for you in the bedroom in the future? Wouldn’t you feel more comfortable bringing up fantasies as the relationship progresses? Discussing different sexual avenues you’d like to explore together as the trust grows? In fact, August McLaughlin did a great post nailing on the head so many of the reasons why it’s okay to test the waters when she took on Steve Harvey’s book touting why women should wait 90 days before engaging.

Don’t get me wrong, there are sometimes valid reasons to wait. For example, if you know that  sex has a way of becoming a huge distraction from everything else for you, you might want to wait. Why? To give yourself an opportunity to really get to know the person you’re getting intimate with before you let yourself feast. What isn’t cool is if the reason you’re holding back is because you’re afraid he/she won’t respect you if you “put out.” This isn’t high school. If that is truly a concern you feel with the person you’re dating…he/she is probably not the right person for you. A truly decent person won’t judge you because you are honest with them and want to create a physical intimacy. Pardon my language, but only a$$holes tend to sit there, throwing stones (and we all know what they say about people in glass houses who do that).

Even more bothersome is when sex becomes weaponized once you’re actually in the relationship, but it happens all too often. In fact, I’ve even heard folks giving advice to do just that and wanted to scream! What am I talking about? Say your partner has done something that ticked you off. Instead of talking about it rationally and calmly, you decide to sleep in the other room. You want something done…. You offer sex as the reward if they do it, or threaten to withhold if they don’t.  This makes sex a threat and a weapon.

Why do we wield it this way when intimacy is so crucial to relationships? Although finances is a large cause of divorce, so is loss of intimacy. I talked to a gal pal a few months back who didn’t feel important in her relationship with her husband. One of the things that stood out to me was the fact that she said if he’d just touched her casually or kissed her for no reason other than he wanted to, she would know she mattered. Sex had become his weapon that he only brought out when he sensed that she was angry, he wanted to shut her up or escape true intimacy…at least that’s the way it felt to her. I know just as many women who use sex the same way she described.

The funny thing is she blames herself….because she allowed it to happen. Had those intimate discussions happened in the beginning, things might have been different. Had she set her expectations from the start…and allowed them to grow together in their passion and discovery, maybe she wouldn’t feel so unimportant.

Sex should be a tool to bring you closer together, not a weapon to hold over someone else. And if, by chance, you find yourself in this predicament….it’s not hopeless. That’s the other thing I loved about The Love Birds….they offered help for those who can’t fix it on their own. Relationships aren’t always easy, but they should be cherished.

Have you ever used sex as a weapon? What did you learn from doing so? Have you ever had sex used against you? How did it make you feel? Do you agree or disagree with anything I’ve said? Share with me…. Whether you agree or don’t, I’d love to hear from you. I learn so much from what you guys share…and I love you all for it!

What I Brought Back

bringing-sexy-back

Unlike Justin Timberlake, I feel no need to bring sexy back…mostly because I never thought it was lost.

Sexy is something intangible that lives inside each and every one of us…. Often, all it really takes is tapping into our innermost thoughts and fantasies.

Desire is another story all together. Sometimes we need some poking and prodding…and some good directions to help us Bring Back Desire…. Today, Ande Lyons has invited me to share some of my thoughts on ways to make this happen by repurposing a post I wrote a little while back…with a bit of a Bring Back Desire twist.

Stop by and say hi! We’d love the company…and to hear your thoughts on our chosen subject for the day. You guys aren’t the slightest bit shy, so I’m sure you’ll have plenty to contribute. I, for one, can’t wait to get your thoughts.

In the meantime…. (And I’d love to hear about when this happened to you) Ever found yourself in a situation where you were in denial about what was really going on?

Ladies (or maybe guys, too)…ever found yourself dating a guy and wondering how that happened? You guys were just hanging out…ALL THE TIME…and he paid… But you kind of thought you were just friends until someone said something?

Guys…ever had a friend make a comment about how he didn’t realize you and your girlfriend had moved in together and you said he was wrong…only to look around and realize her toothbrush was next to yours in the bathroom, that she had a couple of drawers in your bureau and clothes in your closet…her shampoo in your shower…and she really didn’t go “home” much anymore?

Then you’ll really appreciate the humor in this video… and don’t forget to check out my guest post at Bring Back Desire!

Where Your Road Leads…

weak-strength-picture-quote

Got the very sad news the other day that a family who we’d been friendly with in our youth lost a brother/son. As if loss isn’t enough, it was due to a self inflicted gun shot wound. There’s some talk of it being accidental v. suicide. Like they’re not dealing with enough. Some of you may shake your head and be thinking…but Kitt, how could a self inflicted GSW be accidental? Well, I’m not privy to the details. I don’t know where he was shot, nor do I care. After having known of someone who accidentally shot himself cleaning his gun…in a major artery, I’m not going to go there. That guy lived because someone happened to be there who knew what to do and got an ambulance to him on time.

What struck me was that it had been a long time since I’d even talked to this family. In fact, as I sat here thinking about them I realized it had been nearly 14 years. The beauty in humanity is that even through all that time and distance we’re still able to feel empathy and wish to comfort. It also occurred to me that things change. I’ll be keeping that family in my thoughts and prayers. Loss is never easy. It is one of the few constants in life, though.

Instead of more maudlin thoughts, though, I’d like to share a few things with you that have inspired me….

One of the women in my writers group is a lady named Susan Davis. I find her to be very daring and exciting. This summer she took a bicycle trip from Florida up to Maine, then on to Canada! Can you imagine? She also introduced me to a process commonly known as “Tapping”. The technical name is EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). At it’s simplest it’s a combination of acupuncture points and verbal affirmations that help create positive change and growth in people. I found the whole process fascinating. She’s new to blogging and has documented her trip and how EFT impacted her personally. I’d really love it if you’d check her out… It really is pretty awesome and I know she’d love to hear from you. Her goal is to help change lives by helping people overcome the stumbling blocks to chasing their dreams through this method. Check out her post Tapping’s Not Just A Song and Dance and give her some love!

I also have to give a shout out to my awesome friend, Ande Lyons from Bring Back Desire because she launched her new book, Loving And Lasting yesterday on Amazon to amazing results!

Ande number1

Yup! In Hot New Releases under the Marriage category, it hit #1. But that’s not all! It also hit #25 in Best Sellers under the Marriage category AND #79 in Best Sellers under the Love and Romance category. Just goes to show people ARE interested in how to make relationships last and keep things hot and spicy in the bedroom! Anything that helps perpetrate change positively gets my two very enthusiastic thumbs up.

Another example of humor and embracing change was a guest post on LeAnne Shirtliffe’s Ironic Mom blog. If you’re not left laughing and shaking your head a little, you’ve forgotten how important a sense of adventure is when change heads your way. I love the parenting advice, too, by the way. I truly believe that a sense of adventure helps people adjust better to change and helps them develop coaching skills when things go awry (something that seems to be significantly lacking in many people these days).

Finally, you have to check out Renee Schuls-Jacobson’s post where she selects a winner to the “send my son a letter while he’s at camp” contest. Yeah, I know that wasn’t the actual name of the contest, but I’d been following this one because there were such sweet, funny, thoughtful posts made on Renee’s behalf so she wouldn’t feel bad for not having time to write daily letters to her 14 year old son while he was away. And then there was Don Of All Trades’ letter. His won…no surprise once you read it… It was definitely different than what everyone else came up with. You guys just have to check it for yourself. If you don’t find yourself thinking back to your youth with a bit of nostalgia and realizing how much things have changed, I’d be surprised.

Although so many of you have inspired me in so many ways…these are the folks who’ve impacted me this week and helped make me laugh. I’d love for you to check these folks out and tell me which of the blog posts I shared was your favorite or touched you most and why….

Please, I’m beggin’ here….Leave comments…make me smile…or share the blogs that have made your week this week!