Imperfectly Perfect

Most writers are people watchers and I’m no exception. The only difference between me and some of my counterparts is that I’m a bit of a talker and social butterfly where some of my counterparts are a bit more reserved. What does this mean for me? Front row seat v. the sidelines. It also means that it’s not uncommon for me to be used as an advice giver, sounding board or just an empathetic ear.

After the loss of my friend at the end of last week, my introspective side kicked in. It seems like there have been two common threads in the dissatisfaction my friends have been expressing: Their inability to find the “perfect” significant other and/or how they weren’t “perfectly” happy in their sex life. You guys are astute. I know you picked up on the same thing I did. Perfect seems to be thrown around a lot.

As imperfect people that’s an awfully big word to be bandied about like that…. Nobody’s perfect. Not me. Not you. We’re all flawed….and those that are narcissistic enough to believe they’re perfect? They’re not exactly relationship material, are they?

So why do we get hung up on “Perfect”? Because, seriously…my friends weren’t the only ones that got caught up in the hype. Hello! It took me 16 years before “fully” committing to my relationship with my husband by getting married. He was my best friend. He’d do anything for me and me for him…except get married.

For a little while I was afraid that maybe my beloved romance novels had given me unrealistic expectations regarding relationships. But no. That wasn’t right. Anyone who’s read the “greats” knows the men and women aren’t perfect. They fight themselves, each other, their fears…plenty of conflict…but they find a way to make it to their happily ending.

But if not my romances, what?

unrealisticexpectations

Well, okay. Maybe not Disney in particular….just fairy tales. Think about it. Girl somehow becomes a damsel in distress, in need of a rescue. The hero who rides in always looks perfect, knows what to say and wears the perfect clothes. He IS perfect. The conflict is always caused by some outside evil source that he vanquishes with a flourish….and the moment ends with the perfect happily ever after kiss. Right?

There is no accidental going in too fast for that kiss only to have your teeth smack against each other… Or someone bobs when they should have weaved and the heads get knocked together…. Or you step in and right onto the hero/heroine’s foot, Yeah…Never happens.

As for the sex…. The assumption would be that guys are the only ones who have this complaint, right? Wrong. I saw a funny clip a few days back and wondered how I was going to share it with you guys. Turns out I didn’t have long to wait. It’s a great fit for today’s post.

In porn, sex happens all over the place…often incidentally and with strangers. In fact, a friend shared something she saw the other day and I couldn’t help but crack up!

Porn

What you never see in porn are some of the stories some of my friends and I have laughed about. You know….getting so hot and sweaty with your partner that you’ve basically stuck to each other…and when you go to separate there’s a big suction “pop” sound that has you rolling with laughter. Or deciding to get all hot and racy with a partner after a day on the beach with a lover only to find out tanning oil and satin sheets don’t always go so well together as you slide onto the bed…and keep sliding…right into the bedside table.

Or maybe it’s the exhausted sex after a long day…where it’s just a relief and a release of tension. Not spectacular, but not bad. The imperfection could be caused by *gasp* a lack of orgasm. Maybe sex was initiated but fatigue and stress cause a lack of aroused response from the man in the relationship. How’s that possible? Isn’t that all men think of???? (For those of you who may not know me well…insert sarcasm here.)

So much perfection we’re expected to live up to…. Unrealistic perfection. Me? It took me a while to figure out that the hot, spicy, romantic gestures and feelings are cyclical. That much of that IS based on what we get in fairy tales and the like… What hit me over the head is when I started to notice it was a cycle. The things that never changed? The fact that the guy sitting patiently next to me was my very best friend. He knew me inside and out….and I knew him. More importantly, we loved and accepted each other just the way we were…flaws and all. The reality is, when I looked harder, I found that those flaws were almost custom made to match mine. Which made us imperfectly perfect for each other. Does he buy me roses every day and massage my feet? No. But he finds recipes he thinks I’d enjoy and makes me dinner. He’ll be at the grocery store and see Pepperidge Farm is having a BOGO on Milano cookies and will pick some up because he knows I love them. We’ll sit down to watch tv and I’ll scratch his back because I know he enjoys that. I’ll hold off watching something on the DVR till he gets home because it’s more fun to watch it together.

As for the sex…guys aren’t the only ones these days that have unrealistic expectations. Sometimes ours come from books, sometimes from porn. Either way there are things we do to one another that undermine the ability to have great sex.

Examples? Many women simply don’t talk to their men about it. They take it, they fake it…then they either don’t talk about it at all…or they complain to their friends about it. Here’s a sad truth about that… Ladies, if the women you’re complaining to have significant others, chances are that the conversation didn’t just stay between you and your friend. If their partner is friends with yours…guess who has heard about your complaints? Although we don’t acknowledge it often, guys have feelings, too. They are capable of being hurt. And before we get up on our high horse and say something about their egos…imagine how you would feel if someone important to you said you sucked in bed. Yeah. Major ouch. Guys, before you think you’re out of the woods on this one….You’re just as bad as we are, so the same thing applies to you!!!

The truth is, not every guy is uber experienced. In fact, it wasn’t until a little later in my relationship that I found out my husband, then boyfriend, was a bit intimidated by me and my experience. Sure, I was a virgin when we got together…but that was about the only think I hadn’t done…and multiple times. I assumed that because he’d had sex before (with one other girl) that HE was more experienced. After that conversation, I’ve tried never to assume again. We talk.

If communication lines are open it’s amazing how rarely misunderstandings happen. It’s also a great way to teach your partner what you like…. And you know what else? Sex is messy…and physical…so it stands to reason that there are going to be funny, goofy moments! Enjoy them! Laughter is sexy, too…not to mention healing.

Bottom line…before rushing to “perfection”….take a second. Look closely at whatever it was you were about to complain about. Is it your perception of what should be that has you bothered or is it something truly wrong? Sometimes, if you look closely enough you’ll find there’s something pretty amazing in the imperfections.

What do you think? Do you think I’m crazy for thinking this way? It’s okay to share… I’m comfortable in my crazy. Have you found beauty in imperfection? Tell me about it!

Me? I’ve embraced my imperfection… It’s made life so much more enjoyable!

Remembering 20 Little Angels

As many of you know, early in January my account got suspended because I was mistaken for spam. After about 4 days Word press finally realized the error and returned my account back to me. At that time I’d posted a blog about someone I consider One Of The Good Guys. Unfortunately it happened right before I posted this particular blog.

In society today, people have been gaining more notoriety from poor behaviors, falls from grace, etc. I, like many of you, have become conditioned to be cynical. So when I hear about a celebrity so moved by a tragedy that he’s compelled to do something to help, I perk up. I take notice.

The cynics are always ready when they hear someone made a song about it…”Sure, real classy… Make money off people’s grief.” There may have been a time or two where I’ve thought similar thoughts about certain books or movies. But again, this one was different. Andy Griggs sat horrified as the events at Sandy Hook Elementary unfolded before our stricken nation. Like all of us he cried. He sent out messages on Facebook and Twitter wondering if anyone knew people in New Town and what he could do to help. Obviously he and a songwriter friend wrote a song, then cut it. Then he made sure that all the proceeds went to United Way in New Town and that he would be completely unable to touch any of those funds. The other day while surfing YouTube he found that someone had taken his song and made a video for it. He loved it and encouraged us all to check it out…

As Valentine’s Day is coming I felt the need to send some love to New Town and the families of those lost… So I’m sharing the video and keeping New Town, Connecticut in my prayers. It was good to see the children of Sandy Hook Chorus singing in the Superbowl…and a great reminder that it’s important to continue to move forward with love and remembrance in our hearts.

One Of The Good Guys

We always hear about the douche bags out there. In fact, it is probably one of the most popular weekly blog posts that Shit Talkin’ Nick’s most popular posts. It’s a sad state of the world today when a person can come up with a douchebag every single week. But, to be fair, he decided to bring focus on people who did something wonderful, too… He named those posts The Anti-Douche.

Why am I bringing this up? Because…one of my favorite musicians wowed me recently with his kindness, generosity and talent and I thought he deserved some recognition. As you all know, we were all shocked and hurt by the events at Sandy Hook Elementary…and all the other violent acts that have been happening across this country. I remember being on here and on Facebook the day that it happened… Andy Griggs’ reaction was immediate. He posted on Facebook asking if anyone knew anyone in that town of Connecticut…or a way to contact someone out there to see what kind of help could be offered. He’s got a big heart that way.

What did he do next? What else does a talented singer/songwriter do? He used his special talents to try to find a way to cope and heal…but also found a way to try to help. This press release just came out, talking about what he’s doing to help the school and the families…

The general gist is that he’s written a song with his friend and songwriter, Bobby Pinson, called “20 Little Angels” that is available free to listen to on his website… The song will be available to download on iTunes and 100% of the proceeds will be going to the Sandy Hook School Support fund. I thought that was pretty awesome, and so was the song….and I’m not the only one.  Here is what The Boot has to say about his song…

It’s nice to see that there are still good guys out there! Click the link to the song…check it out! In the meantime, here’s a taste of his music…through one of my favorite romantic ballads.

Genre Favorites Blogfest

So I blame Sydney Aaliyah for introducing me to Ninja Captain Alex J. Cavanaugh‘s fun Blogfests.  So here I go, trying my hand at this one.  Genre Favorites Blogfest.  The instructions are as follows…

List your favorite genre:
Movie
Music
Books
And a guilty pleasure genre from any of the three categories!

So my favorite Movie Genre is:  Romantic Comedies (I know, how much more predictable could I be, right?)  I’m a sucker for movies like Maid Of Honor, The Ugly Truth, 27 Dresses and many more.  Who could blame me?  They’re feel good movies.  And right behind that is Comic Book Movies…so there!

Favorite Music:  For a poet like me?  That’s easy!  Country!  With those strong lyrics and beautiful ballads…and words that I can still understand?  Yeah.  Definitely country.  Plus, they grow their men sexy…nothing like looking great in a pair of worn jeans and cowboy boots.  Plus, I dig that whole southern accent, and even their bad boys could be taken home to meet mom.  😉

My favorite Books have been leaning in the same direction as what I’ve been enjoying writing lately, though what I like to read varies.  Right now it’s definitely Erotic Romance, more specifically leaning toward BDSM and Menage.  Yes, I like the classics, but even more, lately…I like them raunchy with a bit of down and dirty…especially if it’s in a loving relationship.  So give me some Cherise Sinclair and Sophie Oak and throw a little bit of Bella Andre and I’m a happy girl.

My guilty pleasure category?  Hmmm….  It’s not really in the movie category…more in the tv genre.  My guilty pleasures are soaps.  General Hospital (Since I was 3…RIP John Ingle), Dawson’s Creek, Felicity, Days Of Our Lives, even Queer As Folk…(I have the box sets of Dawson, Felicity & QAF).  I was even into 90210 and Melrose back in the day.  I like to think I’m too cool for soaps, but the truth is, I love them.  I manage to escape their pull every once in a while only to be sucked back in.  Like I said…I’ve been watching GH since I was three.  I was living in Germany when I saw Luke & Laura get married.

So there you have it, folks…My Genre Favorite stuff.  And the truth comes out.  I’m not always that deep…LOL!  Enjoy your night and feel free to play along.