Relationships and Awkward Parentals

We all have those awkward moments when parents go rogue and get a little TMI or do something completely unexpected that leaves your jaw dragging on the floor, right?

Mine happened after my bridal shower while we were sitting around a table with one of my mom’s co-workers and her daughter (both whom I’d just met that day), my aunt, my cousin, and my sister.

It all started innocently enough with my sister telling us how she’d accidentally worn CFM pumps to church and nearly face planted when the heel stuck in the carpet and how difficult they were to walk in. She hadn’t realized when she’d bought them that they were that high or what CFM (Come Fuck Me) stood for in the first place…until her friend saved her from the disastrous fall and told her what those kinds of shoes were called.

We were all laughing when my mom, who apparently owned the same pair of shoes, decided to throw in her $.02 and tell us all that she’s never had any issues with her heels and that my step-dad loved it when she wore them to bed.

On the one hand, mom deserves a fist bump and a, “You go get you some!”

On the other? She’s my mom and I needed to scrub my imagination.

Hello! WRITER!

Then today, this Kelly Clarkson Show video caught my attention.

Although this story was hilarious, it reminded me of an old classmate of mine from early high school. You see, Paul had a HUGE crush on my mom. To the point that his 14 year old self had decided he needed to marry her.

And he took it a step further.

He, in front of me and several of our other friends, walked up to another parent who was good friends with my mom and asked, “Mr. B. do you think I’d make a good step-dad?”

The boy was serious. (And I was seriously dying because 1. my mom has NEVER been into boys. 2. that took guts. And 3. I was older than him by a year and was never gonna be calling that kid dad.)

In my new book, A Way With Words, one of our heroes, Drew, has an outrageous mom, too, so I thought I’d share a little excerpt.

“I…” Drew said between gasps and howls. “Just..realized…something! Haha!”

Ty snickered as he watched Drew wiping tears from his eyes. “What’s that?”

“My mom’s gonna be so jealous!” Drew roared. “She’s gonna think I stole her man!”

“Are you serious?” Ty was grinning.

Drew sucked in a deep breath and tried to steady his giggles. “I’d say as a heart attack, but after the last ER visit, I’d rather none of us had to be in the vicinity of that place.” He smirked at Ty, then grimaced at the cramp in his side. “She called dibs on you the day she met you, years ago. Of course, back then I’m pretty sure she had no idea that I’d be her prime competition, not that I think she’d care. Hell, she may get a little awkward. You remember her tendency to overshare, right?”

Suddenly his humor had dried up as he pictured the awkward, way-too-detailed-for-any-son’s-comfort advice the woman tended to dole out. Shit. He had no doubt she was going to be fine with everything, but if the woman started giving him lube advice or asking Ty kinky questions no mom should ask, he was going to die. Hell, he should probably warn Kalina. He just knew his mom was going to ask her if she enjoyed being the meat in a man sandwich or some such. Ugh. He loved the woman, but she had no filter. He was under no delusions that he came by that trait honestly.

Ty’s face lit up. “Relax! We can handle your mom. Hell, I love that woman.” He winked at Drew. “If I were into cougars, I might have taken her up on her teasing eons ago.”

What A Trip (And a Tease)!

I took my first real vacation in a couple of years this last week. The hubby and I flew out to Arizona to visit my in-laws, but not until after I finished the first draft on my first full sized book. (YAY!)

As a military brat I’ve been on many flights– some fun (me on a plane with an entire college football team just after I’d become legal–and they were flirting), some boring (standard flight with no excitement or turbulence), some a tad bit crazy (the guy who stunk of pot and B.O. and told me he spoke a rare language from a country most people didn’t know which turned out to be Danish/Denmark, then proceeded to tell me that the Philippines would rule the world someday when he found out I spoke Tagalog)….but nothing like the flight my heroine took when she moved to Nashville. (I’ll share what I mean in a moment.)

Our flight to Arizona would’ve been fairly uneventful except that on the layover flight from Atlanta to Tucson, I wound up sitting beside a man with a horrible case of silent but violent gas. Hubby was stuck behind him. It was bad.

The flight home couldn’t have been worse, right? Wrong. From Tucson to Atlanta I was trapped between a French dude who was polite, but didn’t speak much English, and a Russian lady who was still breastfeeding her adorable toddler and didn’t have much by way of courtesy. When I tried to get to my seat, instead of getting up with her child so I didn’t have to worry about smacking someone in the face with my backpack, she just slid her legs to the side–mind you, she had an aisle seat. Fortunately, the Frenchman was kind enough to offer to take my bag so I wouldn’t hit anyone and I squeezed my way in.

Throughout the flight, the child was a trooper, but her mom didn’t pay attention or try to preserve my personal space as the little girl stretched and kicked. The whole shoving her little one under her shirt every few minutes didn’t really phase me because I figured it was her way to try to keep the child soothed and occupied so she wouldn’t get cranky.

Once we reached Atlanta we stopped at Bobby Flay’s cheeseburger place where I promptly had my glass full of Coke Zero shatter, dousing me completely (pants and top) in soda. Ugh. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to walk through an airport all wet and stained? It couldn’t get worse, right?

Wrong. The final leg of the flight had hubby and I sitting together, but the guy in front of us smelled like sour sweat and also had a huge gas problem. I really was kind of hoping by that point that the oxygen masks might fall down and save us from the odors. And the landing? Major turbulence that had some of the people around us freaking out. An old flyer like me? Felt like she’d just gotten a fun roller coaster ride.

I really was wishing my flight had been more like the one my heroine, Kalina Santos, experienced in my upcoming release, A Way With Words. Here’s an unedited excerpt:

“What are we doing here, sweetheart?” The desire darkened his eyes to a golden brown, but concern was there, too. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to do this with you, but I don’t want you to regret it. Tell me now if you’re not into this. There’s nothing wrong with getting caught in the moment. It’s a judgment free zone, right here.”
She pulled back; looked away from the temptation of those cat eyes (well, what else do you call eyes that are sometimes green, sometimes yellow, and seem to see into your soul?) and considered his words. His thoughtful generosity touched her as much as the thick erection under the soft cotton of his jeans aroused her. The irony wasn’t lost on her that he showed more concern for her and her feelings than the evil ex she’d been with for years and refused to allow to taint this moment with any more space in her brain.
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted to join the mile-high club.” She leaned in and caught his earlobe between her teeth. “Somehow I think this bucket list item works better with a partner. What do you think?”

So what about you? What was your most memorable plane ride? Ever join the mile high club? Tell me all about it!

Crossed Boundaries

My husband was watching the show Sullivan & Son the other night when I heard a clip that sent me running to the living room to watch. I’m pretty sure it had something to do with the humor of watching a train wreck unfolding…and not just because it involved a karaoke contest in a bar. The scene that caught my eye and made me giggle uncomfortably? Mother/son dirty karaoke. Obviously bars are a great place to find inappropriate behavior. Check it out and see if you don’t find yourself both laughing and embarrassed!

Okay, so in the course of life, awkward moments happen. It adds to the humor in life. In fact, I’ve seen some pretty interesting things back when I worked in hospitals. Retail has had more than it’s share of “unique situations”. There have been moments where I thought maybe I should bring a sign to hold up as a warning so people would know when they were crossing boundaries.

Boundary Warning

Sometimes people are unknowingly inappropriate or at least they pretend to be. My first year in retail began during the Christmas holiday season. I still recall a little old lady that looked like one of those little old church grannies. You know, the type who still get dressed up in their Sunday best to go shopping? I’d be surprised if she was a day under 80. I was working by myself one morning when she walked up to me and asked where we carried our “massagers”. Me, I pictured one of those manual ones…with the giant bumps or rollers that you run over your skin. Yeah…not at all what she was talking about.

Her: Where can I find your massagers?
Me: (Looking at her dumbly and thinking, you do know this is a retail electronic store, not Walmart, right?) Massagers?
Her: Yes. Personal massagers. I saw them in this Sunday’s advertisement.
Me: (quizzical look on my face) For here? As an electronic store, we don’t normally carry massagers. What did it look like?
Her: (Makes hand motions that look an awful lot like stroking a cock) The personal massager is cylindrical shaped…(hand motion) like this. I don’t recall if it plugs into a wall or uses batteries.
Me:(Blinking and thinking “personal massager”, my eye! Granny’s looking for a vibrator. Wonder if I should send her to Giggles up the street?) I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t carry anything even vaguely resembling that here.

Sometimes inappropriate behavior can be a bit flirty. I still remember a guy who came to one of my retail locations with a water damaged phone. Apparently it had vibrated into the sink at the airport when he left it sitting on the soap dispenser to wash his hands and he received a call. After I’d pulled his battery and put it back in, I powered it back on. The screen didn’t come up, but the device showed signs of life by the strongest vibrations I’ve ever felt in a phone.

Him: Did you fix it? Were you able to make it work?
Me: (I placed the phone in his hand) Not exactly. Here, feel.
Him:  (With a wink and a smile) You’re welcome to keep it, darlin’. I think it’ll do more for you than me.
Me: (Laughing) Wow! I’m impressed. You really went there. I think I like you.

What can I say, he was flirty, fun, with a southern accent…and kind of hot. I really didn’t mind!

Unfortunately, there are also the ones that will completely creep you out. There was a man who approached me for help in selecting a webcam back in the early 2000’s. They were just becoming popular so I didn’t think much of it….until he decided to elaborate.

Him: I want the best possible webcam I can buy under $50.
Me: I’ll be happy to help with that. Webcams are this way.
Him: It’s gotta be good enough so people can see real good. You heard of voyeur dorms? My girlfriend and I are gonna do something like that.
Me: (trying not to roll my eyes or make a rude comment…the guy was in his 40’s with a scraggly beard and not very clean. In fact, he kind of looked like a meth head.) I see.
Him: We’re gonna get rich. People are going to pay a lot of money to watch us. It’ll be me, my girlfriend and her daughter.
Me: (blinking) These are probably the best webcams in the range you mentioned. For what you’re planning, you may want to consider investing in something more than a webcam.
Him: Maybe once the money comes rolling in. For now, I’ll get one of these. You know, I like you. You seem like a cool chick. Wanna see a picture of my girlfriend and her daughter?
Me: (attempting to subtly back away) Uh….
Him:(Pulls out a picture of two women who were definitely related by blood and totally naked, together in poses I never wanted to see) That’s my girlfriend and that’s her daughter (he points them out). Hot, huh? She had this done for me for my birthday.
Me: (Nodding and lifting hand in goodbye gesture) Have a nice day.

Yeah, after dealing with that guy I felt like I needed a shower in the worst way. He was totally sleazy in the creepiest sense of the word.

Personally, I’d take the two Italian guys from Jersey over that guy any day. That one was odd on a totally different level. It wasn’t appropriate, but it was at least in a universe that didn’t involve potential mother/daughter action. Yuck. As for the guys from Jersey? I walked into one of my retail locations one day to find my supervisor frustrated and in need of advice. Apparently the two guys one of my reps was dealing with had a tendency to come in, be as loud and obnoxious as possible…and chose not to censor their vocabulary. This meant curse words flew frequently. They were business customers and high revenue, so my supervisor didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize the account. The problem was that they rubbed everyone the wrong way with the exception of one of my reps. She had a tendency to be a bit gossipy and loudmouthed herself.

That particular day was the first time I’d seen them. Observing them from a distance I noticed that they were scaring off some of my other customers, particularly the ones with small children. Unwilling to lose the business and used to dealing with this particular type of personality, I decided it was time for me to step in.

Me: Hi gentleman, how are you today?
My Employee: Guys, this is my boss.
Guy:(Though there were two guys, one only greeted me, the other was the real loudmouth) So what kind of discount can you give us on our shit? We want to upgrade. We spend a lot of money here.
Me: And we appreciate your business, but before I discuss those options with you, let me be clear about something. You need to lower your voice and watch your language. This is a family friendly establishment and my employees are on commission. I really don’t appreciate you coming in here and scaring off my customers. If you are unable to conduct yourself more professionally I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Are we clear?
Guy: (Hands up) We were only having fun.
Me: And I appreciate that. We want you to enjoy doing business with us. It’s completely unacceptable when your “Having fun” (And yes, I used air quotes on him) causes me to lose business and scares my customers away. If this happens again you can do all your business by phone. Do we understand each other?
Guy: Yes, ma’am!
Me: (Nods) Great. I’m glad we understand each other. Have a nice day, gentlemen.
Guy: (Leans over to my employee and stage whispers) Oh, my God. How much do you think I’d have to pay to have her smack me around?
My Employee: (Nods) Now you’re talking about the right woman.

Yeah…there’s no question the employee was reprimanded for making a comment like that to a customer. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t entertained, though. Apparently he was very wealthy, unhappily married and headed for divorce….and was serious about paying me to spank him. Did I do it? Nope.

What about you? What kind of wild, wooly, inappropriate or downright creepy things have you run into in your workplaces? Help me start Monday off with a bit of disbelief and laughter…

My Battle With The Foot In Mouth Disease

My fantastically funny friend, Gloria Richard wrote a post yesterday entitled Ever Lost Your Brain’s Remote Control. After recounting several of her hilarious mishaps over the years, she challenged us to share some of our moments. As I sat thinking about the many idiot moments I’d had over the years I figured I’d share some of my own. Hey, turnabout is fair play, especially since I shared some of my friends’ more awkward moments in the past.

Those of us who tend to say what we think know that there is a hazard that goes with being blunt. For example, there was a young lady that I used to work with at a popular electronic retailer store. I was new, and she and I were pretty friendly. The weather had taken on a cooler edge recently, so when I walked in, I was wearing my black leather biker jacket.

It was a men’s jacket and I loved it…still do, actually. I was the first “real” gift hubby ever gave to me. Anyway, back to the story. As I came walking down this young lady’s department, she came over to say hi and the following conversation ensued.

Her (with a big grin and a nudge) : Hey there, Biker Bitch!
Me (with a grin and a wink) : Better watch your step or I’m going to make you my bitch.
Her (eye contact, not laughing) : Any time.
Me (blinking) : Um, yeah….

Oops! Yeah, I’d heard the rumors about her being either lesbian or bisexual, I just didn’t care. It just never occurred to me that a simple off the cuff response could create such an interesting ripple. Well, it confirmed the rumor if nothing else…LOL! Oddly enough, that moment helped to cement our friendship.

Unfortunately my talent for the awkward started much earlier. It’s the hazard of being a person whose mouth rarely stops moving. Sometimes we can be deliberately hurtful and regret it later. My “lesson learned” moment actually became my college application essay. Here’s the short version.

While we lived in the Philippines we had some live in help. A maid and a nanny. Hey, the dollar stretches quite well in third world countries. Anyway, as my mom is also Filipina, our servants were more like family and were treated as such. I was about 7 years old when my mouth got me into trouble.

Nanny (looking around at toys strewn all over the floor): Kitt!
Me (fake innocent look): What?
Nanny (pointing at all the toys): Put away all your toys or you’re not playing outside.
Me (irritated): Pfft! Your the maid. Isn’t that what we pay you for?
From somewhere behind me….
Mom (snarling): Kitt. What. Did. You. Just. Say?

Yeah…mom had walked up behind me and heard the whole thing. She was NOT happy. I got my butt whipped, had to clean up my toy AND I got grounded for the day. No bueno.

My sophomore year in high school there was a 4 day choral music festival held at a one of the private universities in Michigan, culminating in a concert on Saturday afternoon with the University Orchestra. The private high schools tied to this particular religion from the surrounding 5 states sent the top 2 singers from each section (Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Bass) to go to this event. It was a privilege to be chosen, and I was one of the 2 sopranos chosen to represent my school. We were put up in the women’s dorm and spent most of the time rehearsing songs in German (Haydn) and Latin with a couple of English ones thrown in for good measure.

As you can imagine, after a while we became restless. Several of us congregated in one of the dorm rooms early that Saturday afternoon waiting for the concert. Keep in mind, most of us were little suburban kids. I, being half Asian, was the closest we had to an ethnic mix in that room. To this day I’m not exactly sure how it started…all I remember was thinking I was going to die.

What had I done? I sang Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love Of All”. And not in my normal voice. NOOOO. I was singing it at the top of my lungs, over enunciating each word with theatrical dramatics.

“I Buhleeve that children are hour fyuchaaaa.
Teech them well ahnd let them lead the waaaayyyy.
Show them ahl the beauty they possess insiiiiide.
Give. Them. A Sense of pride.
To make it easiahhhh!”

The girls were all in a fit of giggles as I belted it out….and then came the knock on the door. My singing stopped. We all looked at each other, eyes huge and praying… Why? Because late that night an all black university from Canada had come down for an event the following week and were staying in the rooms across the hall from us.

Of course, with my luck…it WAS, in fact, several of the very nice ladies from that university. Here’s what happened:

My traitorous friend: Uh, hello?
Nice lady: Hi girls, we heard someone singing from down the hall. Who WAS that?
(Yup! You guessed it. All hands pointed at me as I slowly turned around to face the women in the doorway.)
Me: Sorry about that.
Nice lady: Why are you sorry? We thought you sounded GREAT!!!!
Me (blinking while my friends all tried to hide their laughter): Um… Thank you?

And just like that, they were gone… Thankfully they hadn’t realized I was poking fun at the way a lot of divas overdramatize song lyrics. As my friends cracked up, I was mortified. Seriously. What if I’d really offended them? Sooo not my intent.

Then there was the time I met the Pittsburgh Steelers Pro Football Hall Of Fame quarterback, Terry Bradshaw.

Okay…so I’m unapologetically an Dallas Cowboys fan, but still. I love football and I respect the game. That’s one of the reasons that every time I think of this moment I want to hide somewhere. Why? Because my usual eloquence eluded me that day in a big, BIG way…making me sound like a total airheaded bimbo (something I hate).

So the back story? Mr Bradshaw’s brother has a home in the Sarasota area. He’d come to town for a visit only to realize he’d left his camera bag back at home in his foyer. What did he do when he discovered this error? Why, what every wealthy man does, of course. He showed up to the local electronics store with his dad at opening (when it’s least crowded) and replaced everything he’d left behind.

The guys in the store were dying to talk to him and ask for his autograph, but figured it would be easier to break that ice if they sent a female in. As I qualified and was the only woman knowledgeable enough about football and his HOF career, they asked me to go over and talked to him. I didn’t want to disrespect his privacy so I declined being used in this manner. Fortunately for them, he noticed several guys hovering and welcomed them over to get his autograph and offered the opportunity to any employee in the store who wanted it.

Once he gave permission, the guys let me know and I walked over to get his autograph before I left. Here’s how THAT went down.

Me (in a timid voice that was so unlike me the guys all blinked): Excuse me Mr Bradshaw. Would you mind if I asked you for your autograph?
TB (with a gentle smile): Sure thing, Sweetheart. Do you have anything for me to sign?
Me (holding up small brochure form): This?
TB: Why don’t we find something a bit bigger?
(Grabs a manual receipt form)
Me (while he’s signing): Thank you so much! (And then I made my big faux pas that made me want to commit seppuku) I just want to say, I really LOVE watching you and Howie (Long) on Sundays.
TB (Showing class all the way, put an arm around me): Aw, thank you sweetheart. We need more fans like you.

 

Why was that so mortifying? Because I was well aware of his Hall of Fame career and his 4 Superbowl rings…and what did I mention? His Fox Sports thing? OMG! Yes, that is my head you hear banging on my desk. Never mind that this incident happened nearly 10 years ago. I’m still mortified…. But I also still have this awesome autograph.

My Terry Bradshaw Autograph

Okay, enough of my verbal face plants…. What about you guys? Care to share some of your more awkward moments? If not, I’m open to you sharing the awkward moments of friends and family. And just so no one can question my Cowboy Fandom….Here’s a pic of me at one of them many Cowboy events I’ve been to… Hanging out with some Cowboy Legends

Tailgate in Big D with Hubby, Bill Bates, Me, Everson Walls & Kenny Gant

And here’s another one of me with my girls at a game at Cowboy Stadium.

At The Game

 

 

 

Can I Get A Vulcan Mind Wipe? PLEASE???

I was sitting in my living room, peacefully sipping coffee and writing out my Christmas cards (yes, I know I’m running out of time) when a memory flashed through my mind that bore sharing. Maybe it was because I was writing the card for my aunt… Regardless, I had to chuckle.

I’m pretty sure everyone has had one of those moments with a relative that made you stop, become an owl for a moment…in that all you could do is stare at them with wide eyes and blink a few times before words returned into your brain…and then wish you could take that Men In Black light to yourself and reset the last few minutes. Right? Well, this blog post is going to be about THOSE moments…and just to be fair…since I’m airing my dirty laundry…I fully expect you to share some of your moments, too!

I have this aunt. She’s a sweet, sweet woman…but apparently she really wasn’t educated in the way of the world…or at least carnal passions. I find this to be kind of strange and funny in that my dad and uncle (her brothers) were incapable of keeping it in their pants. My aunt, though, despite the fact that her current husband is #3, was able to maintain this surprising naiveté.

A few years back my dad & sister had flown in, staying with her in Orlando. As Orlando is only 2-3 hours away depending on traffic conditions on I-4, I drove over to spend the night and hang out. We wound up spending the day at this little shopping area near her home. When we stopped for lunch we got to talking about her past in Puerto Rico. She lived there for a time…and had been having marital troubles with Uncle #3 while out there. You see, she was isolated out there…his family didn’t really speak English and she didn’t speak Spanish. Icing on the cake…this particular Uncle liked to keep her in the dark and dependent on him. (Yes, I know…all kinds of issues with that one, but those are for another time.)

Anyway, she pulled me aside and told me this story.

Aunt: You know, your uncle has a problem.
Me: He does?
Aunt: Yes, he does. A (hushed voice) Sex problem.
Me: Uhhhh…
Aunt: It’s just terrible…. Your uncle is (stage whisper) A Pervert!
Me: (trying not to laugh…trying very, VERY hard) A pervert?
Aunt: Yes! A Pervert! In fact, I had to call the police on him one time.
Me: (imagining the worst) The police?
Aunt: Uh huh! Your uncle is very sick in the head. Do you know what he tried to do?
Me: No….
Aunt: He tried to sodomize me!!!
Me: (trying to not die from the laughter building up inside) I see…
Aunt: Isn’t that terrible? That’s just not natural!!!
Me: Mhm….(still not capable of any words…blinking like an owl…hoping not to burst out laughing)
Aunt: So I called the police. I told them what he tried to do.
Me: Oh, my.
Aunt: Yes. He had to go to jail and they told him that he couldn’t sodomize me without my consent. Who on earth would consent to something like that? I’m not a pervert!

Yeah….Well, those of you who follow my blog already know…I’m not exactly little miss wilting violet, nor am I naïve or innocent. I didn’t quite think the idea of anal sex was the end of the world. The fact that she referred to it as “sodomy” was quite shocking to me, though…I haven’t heard it referenced that way except maybe in the Bible!

The thing is…from what I gathered…when she screeched “no”. He stopped…which is probably why he didn’t do any real time…he was just arrested so the “misunderstanding” could be sorted out. Had the act happened without her consent, obviously I wouldn’t be sharing or finding any sort of humor in this. What it really boiled down to was that she got a surprise (somehow she’d not realized anal sex is really not THAT taboo). My thought was…the whole thing could have been avoided if they’d talked first…but Uncle #3 wouldn’t be the first guy to try to slide his sausage in that orifice without discussion, hoping and praying the lady went for it… And I’m sure he won’t be the last. Still, my aunt and sodomy are now 100% linked in my brain for all eternity.

This same sweet aunt of mine was with me at my mom’s when I had my blink worthy moment there… It was my bridal shower. Most of the guests had already left…so my mom, sis, aunt and cousin were all sitting around my mom’s dining table with me. As we are talking, somehow the subject of high heels comes up. Nothing dangerous, right? Unless you’re hanging with MY family.

Sis: I never shop for heels with mom anymore.
Mom: It wasn’t that bad!
Sis: You heard this story, right?
Me: I don’t think so!
Sis: Well, it’s on par with the horses and whale penis story from that one Thanksgiving.
Me: So do I want to know?
Sis: Probably not
Mom: (at same time as sis) It’s not that bad…
Cousin: Whale and horse penises?
Sis: Long story…
Cousin: What about the heels?
Sis: Mom and I went shopping. We found these heels with an awesome pattern. They were grey and black. But the heels were high.
Mom: I walked in them fine.
Sis: I know, Mom….anyway, I tried them on and they seemed comfortable, so I bought them. I should have tried walking in them first.
Mom: (snickering)
Sis: So the first time I decided to wear these shoes was to church. I was singing in the choir. We were processing that day. I almost fell flat on my face when the heel caught on the carpet. A friend grabbed hold of my elbow and walked me all the way down the aisle. I didn’t realize they were CFM pumps or I never would’ve worn them to church!
Me, Aunt and Cousin: Oh, no!
Aunt: What’s CFM?
Me: (blushing a bit) Come Fuck Me? Mom, don’t kill me…she asked…
Mom: Girls! There are pumps called that?
Me: Yes, mom. So, sis… you almost fell?
Sis: Yeah, hard to balance. So, I called mom and told her about it.
Me: (afraid of what my sis is going to say next) And what did mom say?
Mom: (laughing her butt off and staring at my sister…not exactly comforting for me)
Sis: She said, I didn’t have any problems with my heels. Your stepdad liked it when I wore them to bed.
Me: And that’s why they call them CFM, Mom…not that I ever needed that image.
Cousin & Aunt think it’s hilarious and are laughing their butts off…and pretty soon, so were we…

Yeah…family members can say the darndest things, can’t they? The thing is, if you knew my mom…she’s little miss goodie two shoes! This is the same woman who looked at my stepdad on their first date…before they even left and said, “I don’t believe in adultery, nor do I believe in fornicatious behavior.” I loved his answer…”Lady, I just want to take you to dinner!”

Every family has their sitcom moments…and now it’s time for you to share yours. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a Christmas clip from one of my all time favorite sitcoms…

Awkward Emergencies And Other Hilarious Moments

Truth truly IS stranger than fiction.

There is one awesome side benefit to having been so close to the medically related world most of your life. Most of you may think it’s the free medical advice while others may think it’s the info you soak up along the way. The former is definitely a good thing. The latter…eh…let’s just say that then you know enough to become a hypochondriac with strong webmd skills. For me, though, the best part are the very interesting stories that you get to hear…and the images that fire the imagination.

When I was in eigth grade I remember tittering with laughter in one of my girl friend’s rooms as we talked about the sheer humiliation of two of her classmates. These two youngsters had snuck to the girl’s house during lunch period that day to make out. Well, they both had braces. Yes. You guessed it! Their braces locked together. Fortunately they had the same orthodontist and it was a small town. The humiliating part? They had to walk to the orthodontist’s office locked at the mouth, then their parents had to be called.

When I wound up in braces myself, I had flashback moments to this story. I was very reluctant to date any guy who was also wearing braces for fear of this situation happening to me. As I got more experienced I realized…if you’re a decent kisser and know what you’re doing…this isn’t really an issue. The problem becomes when you get more sexually active. For example…an EMT friend of mine responded to an emergency call. As he and the rest of the guys walked in, they weren’t sure exactly what was going to greet them. Sitting on the couch was a pretty young woman in her early twenties…with her boyfriend attached, quite literally, to her nipple. The boyfriend in question was not trying to nurse on this young woman…but he wore braces. When he went to suck on her nipples, apparently some how, some way the skin from her breasts became caught in his braces. As he tried to pull away, she howled in agony, advising him to keep still. As they told the story to the paramedics/EMT’s, the guys tried very stoically to maintain professionalism. The young lady proceeded to tell them that she freaked out. She’d considered trying to drive them in, but realized that as he was attached to her left breast there wasn’t really a way to get him into the car and to the ER. Even if she could, she couldn’t get her arm both around his head and on the steering wheel in a way that would allow her control of the car. Oh, the images THAT one evoked.

But wait! It gets better! I used to work in the ER sometimes, but mostly upstairs in admissions. When I’d work evenings, I’d lock up the admissions office, then bring all the pertinent information I had to the ER registration people. One night, as I dropped my info off and was getting ready to head out the door, one of the guys pulled me aside to tell me what I’d missed. It was around the holidays, so a lot of the college kids were back in town. Apparently, a cute little brunette in her 20’s had come in a few minutes before I arrived. When she walked up to the registration desk, my friend invited her to sit down. She declined, preferring to stand. She moved around quite a bit & paced. Her face was flushed. He took down her name and address, got her emergency contact, then asked her our standard question.

Registration employee: What seems to be the problem today?
College girl: (blushing profusely) Do I have to say?
Registration employee: Well, I have to write down what’s wrong so that they know what they’re seeing you for.
College girl: (Mumbles)
Registration employee: I’m sorry, what did you say? I didn’t quite understand you.
College girl: Ummm…(leans in close and whispers softly) I lost my vibrator.
Registration employee: Oh. OH! Ok. And do you have insurance?
College girl: (realizing her parents will get the ER visit bill) Um, can I pay for it myself? And can I give you a different address to send the bill to?
Registration employee: Sure.

As he told me the story, all I could think of was…no wonder she declined to sit. Can you imagine what her drive into the hospital was like? Guess she was missing her boyfriend!

Then there was the day that my mom came home from work back when I was still in high school. She got off at 11 pm and also did time in the ER. Apparently when her relief person came in the lady was disgusted. She was a larger German woman with four children. Her hands were waving dramatically as she muttered under her breath. That convo?

Mom: Karen, what’s wrong?
Karen: There are some really sick people out there Jos’!
Mom: What happened?
Karen: As I was walking in there was a man laying face down on a guerney.
Mom: Oh, dear. I hope he’s okay.
Karen: He was fine! He was an idiot!
Mom: What makes you say that?
Karen: He’s here because he got a carrot. Stuck up his butt! (hand motions pointing to the derriere) The carrot broke! Now he’s here.
Mom: Oh dear!

But wait! There’s more! I got promoted from my registration job to “bed control”. This meant that when I was on shift in the evenings, I became the manager on duty. It also meant that every time a person got admitted into the hospital I got called. I also got called with updates from the emergency room when someone would go on lunch, filling me in on potential admissions or situations. So here’s a call I took one evening.

Me: Hey, Tam, what’s up?
Tammy: You’re not going to believe this one.
Me: I don’t know. We both know I’ve seen some pretty interesting things over the years.
Tammy: Um, this was interesting even for me.
Me: Soo? What is it?
Tammy: There’s a guy in the back right now because his wife shoved a real thermometer up his urethra.
Me: What? Seriously? A MERCURY thermometer?
Tammy: Yup!
Me: That’s poisonous. Does she have any idea how dangerous it is?
Lady walks up to Tammy’s desk: (embarrassed) You know, I’m his wife. I find it very rude and unprofessional of you to be discussing my husband this way.
Tammy: Hang on, Kitt. (Puts the phone down and turns to the woman) Ma’am. I’m sorry that you’re embarrassed about what is going on with your husband, but it is my job to update my supervisor on potential admissions before I go to lunch which is exactly what I’m doing. (Turns away, dismissing the woman) You still there?
Me: Yup! Did the lady walk away?
Tammy: Yeah, she finally stomped off. Hey! She shouldn’t do stuff like that if she doesn’t want people to hear about it.
Me: LOL! I think this is worse than the call I got from the Operating Room a few minutes ago. They needed a bed for a guy who had a penile fracture.
Tammy: I wonder if they put it in a cast? And if this thermometer breaks, who knows! (laughing) This guy may have a fracture, too.
Me: I was wondering the same thing!

Had enough yet? How about one last one? Tammy seemed a magnet for these strange situations, because it was she and I working in the ER together for the last one. She got called into a room to register an elderly woman. She was sweet and adorable and looked like everyone’s grandma. Tammy told me about this conversation when she got back from the room…she couldn’t keep a straight face.

Tammy: Hi there, ma’am! How are you today?
Grandma lady: Hi dear! I’m doing okay.
Tammy: Do you have your drivers license and insurance card so I can get started on your registration?
Grandma lady: Sure! (hands the info over)
Tammy: So what brings you in today?
Grandma lady: I have some greenery growing…Down there!
Tammy: What?
Grandma lady: I appear to have some sort of shrubbery growing…DOWN THERE! (pointing toward her lady parts)
Tammy: Shrubbery?
Grandma lady: Yes dear. I felt something strange down there, so I took a mirror and I looked. There is greenery growing…down there!
Tammy: Um, ok. Thank you ma’am.

She walked back to me, told me the story and asked, “What in the heck do I put the diagnosis section on something like that?”

“Foreign body in vaginal area?” I guessed.

What had actually happened? That’s what you’re wondering, right? Well, so did we, so we asked. Apparently the woman’s uterus had been prolapsing. One of her friends had just had the surgery done, but she felt she was too busy to have the surgery after the doctor had told her what was wrong. To temporarily “fix” the problem she’d shoved a potato up there. What do we know about potatoes? What is the ideal environment for them to grow in? Warm, dark, wet areas you say? Imagine that! You see, dementia had begun to set in for this poor woman…and she’d forgotten that she’d shoved that potato up there. Wow!

So what about you guys? What are some of the strangest “wound up in the hospital” stories you’ve heard? Have you been one of those strange stories? C’mon…share, share! It’s all fun and games until a potato starts growing…;-)