T is for Tied Up

Image courtesy of adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have a fascination for restraints and bondage….

Not on me, mind you. I’m a bit too much of a control freak to ever feel comfortable enough to willingly place myself in someone else’s power. But someone trusting me enough to voluntarily give themselves over into my care? Especially in a sensual manner? What a turn on!

I probably should have noticed when I was younger that I had a thing for being on top, taking my much bigger and stronger boyfriends’ (hello, I’m 5’3″ and only weighed about 105 lbs back then, so of course they were bigger) wrists into my hand and holding them over their head while I kissed them senseless. Yes, even though that immobilization was pretty much voluntary and all about the imagery & sense of helplessness more so than the real deal, it got my juices going.

It may explain why, at the age of 18, I “tied” my boyfriend down with some thumb cuffs. He was 6′ tall and about 160 lbs. of muscle, but he was helpless while I explored his body with my tongue until he begged for mercy. Oh, so much fun.

And then I discovered rope bondage through reading and the internet and became very intrigued. Also known as rigging, it’s both an art and a sexy practice. At least to my way of thinking. It’s one of those items that’s definitely on my “must learn” list.

If you’re interested in experimenting in bondage there are several safety aspects to keep in mind:

  • You may want to consider staying away from ties, scarves, and/or silky materials if your partner loves to struggle against their bindings. These materials will tighten up if you fight your bindings too hard and will tighten, causing circulation to become cut off.
  • Make sure to have some sort of shears/scissors if you’re going to play with clothing or ropes. You never know when you might need to free your partner quickly, and you need to be able to cut through bindings. You can’t guarantee that your partner won’t panic and need a rescue.
  • Have a safe word and don’t be afraid to use it. Both you AND your partner need to trust each other. Bondage requires both that and patience.
  • Bondage is not ideal if one or both parties have been drinking. Tying someone up requires time, patience, and trust. By the way, this is true regardless of what kind of bondage you might indulge in.

There. You have my kink confession. Now it’s your turn. What kink have you always either been curious about or wanted to try? Judgment free zone, right here!

Condoms, Kinks, and Hijinks

Have you ever wondered what your friends think of you? Well, yesterday gave me a dose of hilarity while answering what my pal, Jenny Hansen (of the More Cowbell fame) thinks of me…or at least where she thinks my mind is most of the time. She tagged me on Facebook with the following image and this message:

Kitt, I just laughed my butt off. I ran a search for you to catch up on your posts and here was the result. I about fell off my chair. LOL.”

Courtesy of Jenny Hansen

Courtesy of Jenny Hansen

I admit it. I giggle snorted immediately…because the first thing that drew my eye was what drew hers.

What can I say? Sex comes up a lot when I’m around. But only in the best possible way. As you’ve probably noticed by the post titles, there’s also not much I won’t talk about.

Which actually leads right into the whole condoms and kinks portion.

As a few of you might remember from my piercings post, I am in a private facebook group where the members love to read and talk kink of all sorts. There are no judgments, you can ask questions, you can talk fetishes…and share the hottest, sexiest reads you’ve discovered with likeminded individuals.

My pal, Anna, from Herding Cats and Burning Soup threw out a question to the group a week or two ago surrounding fetishes. She asked the group what specific fetishes they loved to read about. Not authors. Kinks. Mine were easy…and not much of a shock to those who’ve read my books because a lot of it is also what I enjoy writing. I LOVE M/M/F ménages, especially if there’s some bisexual play between the guys. I also love D/s power exchanges (and I’m not gender specific on who wields the whip). I’m also hugely intrigued by rope bondage, specifically shibari, and think I’d like to take a class to learn how. Heck, Fet-con in Tampa is only a hop-skip-and-a-jump away. Maybe I should sign up.

Anyway, as often happens with this group, things devolve into hilarity…and this time it was all about a condom. As some of you know, bare backing can be considered a kink if/when you’re involved in what folks may consider a “risky” lifestyle. (For those of you wondering, bare backing is another word for unprotected sex.) Anna pointed out that in these books the heroes are usually quite big players at the beginnings of these books until they meet their “soul mates.” So, for her, condoms are a must. Then she went on to lament that although most of her favorite authors use condoms in their stories, she’d love a little variety…like glow in the dark. When she said that, my brain responded with “challenge accepted.”

This, of course, got me thinking. Sex and fantasies. What type of fantasies get you hot under the collar? Are you a ménage person, like me? Does the idea of exhibitionism get your furnace fired up? Or maybe it’s roleplay games. You know. The naughty college student caught cheating on the test by teacher. Or the been caught speeding one where you have to talk the big, bad officer out of writing you that ticket so your license doesn’t get suspended. Yeah… there are all sorts of options.

And as for that condom challenge? Yeah…. I’ve promised her Glow-in-the-dark in NEON GREEN, of course! But ya’ll know me. I like to push the envelope. I fully anticipate a sort of Lightsaber theme and “crossed swords.” Anyone have any color recommendations? LOL!

Also, I’ve got to send a huge THANK YOU to my incredible pal, August McLaughlin. She introduced me to the folks at Sexual Wellness News, and they’ve hired me to write the occasional article for them! My first one was just posted at the end of last month and it’s all about How to Rev Up Your Sex Life! Please go over there, check it out, along with the other awesome articles (August is one of their contributors), and share the love!

That’s Not My Kink

We’ve all heard the saying “different strokes for different folks.” All a person has to do is look around to see the factual reality of that saying. So why does it seem like such a difficult thing to accept and acknowledge when referencing sex? Some of you may be ready to reject the notion out of hand, but hold on for a second while I state my case.

Over the years I’ve come across some pretty interesting sexual kinks/preferences. Many of them are fairly common. Some like to get their hair pulled or their bottoms spanked or both. Some like to be the spanker/hair puller. Some of us have exhibitionist streaks. As the girl who confessed to road head and more, obviously I fall into this category, though there are those who prefer the tamer “accidental” peep shows. Our counterparts are the people who get intensely excited by watching…or voyeurs. Of course there’s also bondage (those who like to tie up, and who like being tied up). I was 18 the first time I restrained someone in a sexual way.

Yes, a lot of the above also incorporates the power exchange that happens when the person’s desire it to yield submission to another person who is into taking control. Sometimes standing alone (no power exchange) or also falling into this world (when power exchanges are incorporated) are the folks who enjoy more than one partner at the same time.

Also surprisingly popular are foot fetishes. For some that means admiring and worshipping pretty toes. For others, it goes deeper. Some love the earthy smells of sweaty feet. Others wish to give foot massages or bathe those dirty feet with their tongues. Others simply want to paint those toenails or have those dainty feet walk all over their bodies (sometimes in high heels).

Some people have more exotic tastes.

I remember talking to one young lady who was fixated on having sex in church sanctuary. Not gonna lie, I’ve done it in the parking lot, but I draw the line at actually entering a “house of God” for copulation purposes. Of course, it would stand to reason that my personal beliefs probably play a part in my discomfort. It may have worked for her, but it definitely wasn’t my cup of tea, but that was okay. That was her thing, not mine.

One woman, a female dominant, I’d become friendly with once shared with me how she had somehow become entranced checking posteriors; putting on surgical gloves and “cleaning them up.” Oddly enough, she was a nurse and thus qualified to go rooting around back there. I admit, the image wasn’t something I cared to keep in my mind. Again, like before, it wasn’t for me, but that was fine.

Many of us have heard of golden showers. Some have even assumed that this couldn’t possibly be a “real” thing. I mean, who would get into the various areas that this sort of play delves into? But it’s real. In fact, it’s as real as cross-dressing or people who enjoy wearing diapers and treated like babies. Heck, even CSI featured a fetish where everyone dressed up like a stuffed animal.

So if there are so many parts of sex that are less than vanilla, why is it that people seem to struggle with acceptance? Is it really so hard to simply say “It’s not my kink” and let it go? No judgment, no disdain. Just a simple acknowledgement that what works for one person may not work for the next and leave it at that.

For that matter, why do people struggle so hard to deny the things that excite them rather than acknowledge the truth and create a fulfilling sex lives for themselves in their relationships? Why do they hide their interests, deny what draws them and pretend it doesn’t exist? Why do their desires become a shameful secret rather than something they communicate with their partner(s)?

My dear friend, Professor Taboo, recently asked me in the comments portion of his Expectations post a question that I’ve been thinking a lot about. “Whether we get or not what we seek from others, is it reasonable to EXPECT the type of open, authentic, proactive communication…and as you pointed out, expecting that level communication whether there were sexual experiences or not? Is the real issue sexual experiences!?”

I thought it was a great question, and the only thing I could come up with for both the way we react to people whose desires deviate from ours as well as from the passions we refuse to acknowledge within ourselves is that we allow fear in.

When faced with others whose desires/kinks vary from our own, it’s easy to point a finger and criticize. “That’s disgusting” “That’s unnatural” or “That’s so wrong” are judgment phrases that often escape the lips of those who can’t or don’t share the same interests. Why? Unless it’s illegal or partners are unwilling, WHY should we care or judge? Why is simply acknowledging that it’s not your thing and moving on so difficult to do?

And if something does intrigue us? I suspect it’s fear that causes us to deny our true natures/desires. What if someone finds out? What if they judge me (often the way I’m judging everyone else)? What if I truly am weird or sick for wanting something besides missionary sex?

It occurred to me as I considered this issue… This is a lot like our tastes in partners. Everyone has different “types”. In fact, half-Asian me has never been attracted to Asian men…and am very picky when it comes to black men that I find sexy. Heck, I laugh all the time at how specific my parents’ types are. My mom likes her men blond with blue eyes. My dad? He likes them Filipina. How do I know that? Because those traits are traits that followed them both into their second marriages.

My mom would tell you that she always knew I’d marry a “latin based” type. Why? Because she said I’d always been attracted to Hispanics, Italians and Greeks; not that I didn’t date my fair share of WASPs, but the majority of the guys who caught my eye were either dark hair and eyes or dark hair and blue eyes. Heck, some would call the attraction to people in uniforms or dangerous jobs or with tattoos a type, too.

Variety is the spice of life. There are a ton of different flavors out there… in ice cream, drinks, cultures, appearances, sexual preferences. No one type is better than the other. There is no right or wrong (well, unless we’re talking illegal). There’s simply what works for you.

Am I making sense? Am I crazy? What’s the most unusual kink you’ve heard of or seen? Do you have a “type” of person you’re attracted to? I’d love to know what you’re thinking…

I’ll close this with a bit of humor….and share what happens when a fantasy goes a bit “off”.

Common Household Items Making Playtime FUN!

I’ve been thinking about this long and hard since I did my last post about sex toys… Yes, it was all tongue in cheek and humorous, but it got me thinking. There are actually a lot of people out there who are not comfortable going to sex shops….or even speaking frankly about sex. There are still people who find the subject of adult toys or sexual enhancements as something to never be discussed.

Well, I don’t think it’s fair that these folks suffer simply because they’re a bit skittish, so I started thinking about all the common household items that can double as adult toys. Of course. Hey, if I were normal, half of you guys wouldn’t be hanging out here with me, am I right? LOL!

So we’ll start with with a few simple things that won’t surprise anyone. Food play, of course! And no, I’m not talking insertion. I don’t want to come over to your house, look down at my salad and wonder if the cucumbers or carrots have been pre-used. I’m talking about things like whipped cream or hot fudge or ice! A little tip…when talking whipped cream, don’t go for cool whip. To me there’s nothing sexy about ladling out a spoonful of that stuff, then plopping it on the body. What you want is something that allows you and/or your partner to get decorative and playful!

Ally Larter's whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues

Ally Larter’s whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues

Hot fudge is great to drizzle along a partner’s body, then lick it up. If you’ve never tried it, you’re truly missing out…and it’s fantastic for the chocoholics out there. Ice cubes are also great fun…especially when used on women. Let’s be real for a moment. When we get hot…we get hot EVERYWHERE! Sensation play is fun for a reason. Let your body be cooled down just a smidge with an ice cube… Hey, it’s just water, afterall. Inserting that into the vajayjay while you’re steaming hot? ::shudders:: Yeah, the hot and cool make for very powerful sensations.

Minty Treats

Minty Treats

While we’re talking about body play, it would be wrong of me not to mention the benefits of Altoids, menthol cough drops or toothpaste. Here’s the deal… Some guys can tell you from experience, receiving a blowjob while a woman has a mentholated cough drop or Altoid in her mouth creates this awesome hot and cold sensation. Well, it goes the same for us! When a guy sucks on one of those bad boys while giving us oral, the minty mingles with the hot to explosive results. Now the toothpaste thing can be tricky. A little minty toothpaste can do the same thing to a man, but use too much and it can make him feel like his dick is burning….and whatever you do, don’t put this on the head. Yikes!

For those of you who are a little more daring… No dildo but curious to try? Here’s an option for you…

roundhairbrushNo, I’m not talking about the bristly part…what kind of freak do you think I am? LOL! The handle, however, could be utilized. When selecting a hairbrush for insertion purposes, there are a few thing you want to take into account. Will it be comfortable? This is why the rounded handles tend to better suit these needs. Also, how sanitary can I keep this item? This is why my personal tastes shy away from the ones with those squishy silicone sides or rubberized grips. I also tend to shy away from wood because things like splinters, etc pop into my head. If you choose to use this, remember, it’s important to select something where the bristles at the top of the brush aren’t uncomfortable in your hand. After each use, always remember to wash it with soap and water.

Multipurpose Brush/Toy

Multipurpose Brush/Toy

Now this one can be used for 2 things. One is what we just discussed above. The second? Well, if you’re willing to try erotic spankings, I recommend first using your partner’s hand. See how it works for you. If you want to try something a little more, this baby has a nice, flat surface on the back that makes for a decent paddle. Another item that can be used in this manner is a wooden spoon. Do not use the hard plastic or metal ones unless you know what you’re doing. Those things can be more painful than you think and there isn’t much give to them. The short handle on this one makes for better control and shorter swings, limiting the chance of hurting your partner. (Yes, some people even graduate to leather belts, but it’s not for everyone.)

Wooden Clothes Pin

Wooden Clothes Pin

For those of you curious about nipple clamps, here’s a potential alternative. Whatever you do, don’t try the plastic ones until you have an idea of where your pleasure/pain balance or threshold is. There is absolutely no give to a plastic one. Wooden ones, however, have a little give. Make sure your nipples are good and hard before you decide to pinch them between this device. Also, it helps blend the pain and pleasure the first time if you’re also being stimulated elsewhere. My personal recommendation is simultaneous stimulation to the clitoral area, which leads quite nicely into my next toy.

Personal Massager

Personal Massager

Curious about clitoral stimulators? Yes, they have little finger ones that you can buy in the condom aisle at your local grocery or drugstore these days, but if you’re shy even talking about personal toys, chances are you’re not ready to announce to your local grocery store that you masturbate (regardless of the fact that it’s perfectly normal). Here is an alternate option. Even Walmart and Target carries some variation of this bad boy. Again, remember the importance of cleaning when you’re done. (By the way, there are all sorts of use for KY Jelly, so hopefully you don’t feel shy about getting lubricant. If so, send your partner.)

For those of you wanting to play with some light bondage? Here’s what I’ll say…use scarves (no, we’re not talking the winter scarf variety, more the decorative types) as a blind fold. Other common household items commonly used for light bondage?

Pantyhose

Pantyhose

What can I say, ladies…if you’ve got a run in one, you might as well repurpose them! Use them to tie your partner up…or let them tie you.

My personal favorite

My personal favorite

If I’m going to be tied up, I like men’s ties. I find them sexy around a man’s neck…it stands to reason I’d find it equally sexy around his wrists…or mine if the mood takes me there. Here are a few warnings to consider with bondage, though. First, talk together and come up with a “safe word”. This will allow you to know when it’s not fun anymore and to stop. Also, if you are someone who struggles hard, don’t use silk or nylon items…they get tighter the more you struggle. This can do very bad things for your circulation and make them more difficult to remove. Having said that, have scissors or a knife handy in case this does happen so you can quickly cut them off. More importantly, pay attention to your partner’s body language so it doesn’t get to that point.

As you can tell, I take my fun seriously. I believe sexual fun and exploration with your partner is hugely important to the maintenance of any relationship. Communication is key. If you’re wanting to experiment, you don’t have to look very far to find new and exciting ways to spice up your lifestyle. You just have to open your eyes and look around! Now I’m sure there are a few household appliances that I forgot to mention. Were there any items on my list that surprised you? Have you tried any of these tricks? How did it go? If you have something to add, please do! If you have questions, feel free to ask.