Nothing Limiting About Setting Limits

Ever feel like the blog gods are trying to tell you something? The last couple of days have felt that way to me. It started innocuously enough… With a pic from a dirty minded friend to my FB page. The pic?

I admit it. I laughed! A lot!

I admit it. I laughed! A lot!

I know, you’re now wondering exactly what message the blog gods were sending, aren’t you? No, this isn’t a lesson on anal admiration, though I’d be happy to write one if ya’ll have a real interest in it…or if that bee flies into my bonnet one random day. If you’re wondering what the heck a rim job is, email me privately or message me on FB or Twitter. We’ll take that one offline, but I’m happy to explain. I hate leaving someone with more questions than answers. It’s practically my civic duty to educate and enlighten my blog buddies on sex manners, dontcha know… ūüėČ

My next sign happened in my gal pal, Sandra Bunino’s FB book group. The initial question was simple… “Genre-wise, what’s your go to?” My answer wasn’t shocking to anyone who has read my book¬†or hung out on this blog. I said that I liked erotic romances, and lately my preferences have been toward the m√©nage and elements of BDSM. But, as it tends to happen when I’m involved, it didn’t stop there. There was a follow up question.

“How hardcore do you like your BDSM (to read)?”

The question was then qualified further by asking if my leanings were toward D/s stories (Dominant/submissive for those of you who don’t know the jargon) or the S & M side (Sadism & Masochism). Somehow, in my mind, this translated to limits. Yes, I’ve done a post discussing different kinks and that they’re different from one person to the next. Limits are different.

So, we’re back to the above picture… I have a close friend who read my manuscript for my second book when it was in it’s rougher stages. There was an anal scene in which part of the preparation for one of the characters included a rim job (Okay, so maybe if you didn’t know what it meant before, you may be starting to get the picture¬†and won’t need to contact me…hehe!). This particular friend was a bit squicked out. It wasn’t her cup ‘o’ tea. It was not sexy in her mind. In fact, she found it pretty gross and unsanitary (although I’d argue that nothing about sex is sanitary). I can also say with a fair amount of certainty that she’s also never experienced it. For HER, that’s a limit.

That’s not a limit at all for me, but I respect it. I also understood pretty quickly that she’s more mainstream when it comes to what she enjoys reading. It made me realize from a writing perspective that I had to consider that a scene like that may alienate a certain type of reader and I’d have to be okay with that. It also reminded me from a personal/sexual perspective, everyone has limits. They deserve to be respected.

On to the discussion in the book group… My limits come from my background in the medically related field. I’m not into any sort of fluid play. No golden showers. No scat. No blood play. To me, those are too dangerous. Due to some personal histories, I’m also aware that breath play and capture/rape scenarios are more than likely going to be triggers for me. By trigger I mean I can’t be a part of this sort of scene. Not as the perpetrator. Certainly not as a recipient. In fact, it’s probably safe for all involved if I step away from even viewing these scenes. Although these are all hard limits for me, they are hard limits for different reasons.

Why am I telling you guys this? Because it’s important to understand that when you choose to explore the various pleasures the world has to offer with your partner, there need to be safety precautions or boundaries, if you will. The most important thing, no matter what aspect of the spectrum you decide to explore, is that you and your partner need to communicate openly and honestly. You need to know and respect each other’s boundaries. This is often considered “negotiating a scene.”

There are some things you’re going to know immediately that you never want to try. For some people that can be anything that involves pain. Some people translate pain differently and may need the pain to enhance their pleasure. If it’s pretty strong on the pain threshold, they’re more than likely masochists. One who gains sexual enjoyment from supplying that need to them? They’re sadists. Keep in mind, most sadists and masochists are not the “sick puppies” portrayed in crime drama tv.

Also, just because someone likes erotic spanking or exploring with impact toys like floggers, whips, paddles, etc. doesn’t mean they fall into the S & M side of BDSM. There are always levels. Again, communication becomes key. Why? Because maybe you’ve shown that you enjoy spanking, but are iffy about impact instruments…those might find yourself in the maybe list (aka. I’ll try it once, twice if I like it).

Other people are completely turned off by any kind of physical pain, but prefer to simply hand over their power to their partner (aka power exchange) or maybe bondage is the turn on, or sensory deprivation, or multiple partners, or exhibitionism, or voyeurism…. See what I’m getting at? The options for exploration and discovery are endless….as long as open and honest communication is happening.

The other HUGELY IMPORTANT factor? Before you go exploring, you NEED a safe word. I can’t stress this enough. Why? Because even if you trust each other implicitly, things can go wrong. Like what? Well, say there’s a repressed memory of some sort…some of these kinds of play may trigger that memory and cause a fight or flight response or worse, a panic attack. Your partner might be completely unaware you’re having this reaction, but you can stop the whole thing with one word. Or if you’re both new to play, your partner may not realize you’re hurt (and not in a pleasurable way). You say the word, they know to stop. It’s a safety precaution.

Some of the important things to communicate to your partner before you play in this manner? Any physical injuries that could be a problem, any traumatic childhood events, if you suffer from things like panic attacks or PTSD (and, if you know them, what triggers it), anything that causes a negative visceral reaction. This gives your partner a good idea of what NOT to do to ruin your playful bedroom (well, not literally…it can happen anywhere) experiments. Maybe you need help figuring out what you may find acceptable or not… There are lists that can help open those communication lines (not to mention give you an idea of all the MANY areas open for exploration).

The whole purpose of the exploration is to have fun with your partner while building intimacy. This also means that it’s just as important to communicate the positive experiences before, during, or after play with your partner so that you guys know what’s working and which rabbit hole to dive into further.

So, now it’s question time… Have there been areas you’ve heard/read about that you’ve been dying to try but a bit nervous to tell your partner? Are there terms I used that had you scratching your head and wondering what I’m talking about? Are there scenes you’ve read in a book and had no idea what it meant but were too embarrassed to ask? Anything you’ve read that you’ve found out of bounds?¬†Ya’ll know me. I’m an open book and willing to talk about anything… (Plus, the writer in me is always dying of curiosity.) Spill it!

FYI– anyone who is truly into¬†most alternative lifestyles including BDSM¬†believe in the importance of “Safe, Sane & Consensual”… it’s one of the reasons it’s important to set a safe word and communicate.

Musical Messages

Courtesy of sexphiliac.tumblr.com

Courtesy of sexphiliac.tumblr.com

We all know I have my wily ways for sending messages. Often, music is involved. I blame Carly Simon for putting the thought in my head. I mean, really. Not only did she write “You’re So Vain” about an ex who still remains nameless, but she wrote it the year I was born! The song cracks me up, but definitely sends a clear message… and based on HER past, it could be any number of famous men.

I’ve found myself following in her footsteps over the years. My husband used to joke…Want to know what Kitt really thinks of you? Listen carefully to the lyrics she chooses to play for you. ūüėČ

My bestie can tell you about a time in our youth where people had decided to start rumors about her, so we decided to really give them something to talk about. I’d say “poor guy” about her then-boyfriend in the middle, except everyone thought he was a stud who had both of us…LOL! To be clear, this was NOT the case, but we figured we should at least lead them in the wrong direction if they were going to talk…let it not be for anything mildly innocent. ūüėČ (Yes, mischief was my middle name, even then…especially when with my partner in crime.)

Then there was one of my exes. After a rocky break up (hey, we were in high school)…This became his song.¬† Me, not being shy… Well, let’s just say he knew it and somehow the song seemed to come on whenever he’d be around. Go figure!

For me, James Ingram seemed to always have the right lyrics to break a heart of someone I genuinely cared for but didn’t quite reciprocate their intense feelings. Ever dated someone really awesome only to realize that they felt so much more deeply than you did…and you hated hurting them, but to give false hope would’ve been even worse? This was my song for that…

Or¬†have you had¬†a friend who you adore…one of¬†the best, kindest, gentlest souls you know?¬†And they’re in love. With you.¬†Maybe you didn’t even want to have to say the words. You didn’t want to see the hurt or devastation that you knew would be there…even as they accepted¬†your words and you (which somehow¬†only makes the guilt that much worse). I may have even played this song for my husband back in the¬†early stages of our friendship when I was too blind to see the value of what I had.¬†Thankfully he’s patient and stuck around…though he did call me out on my message. ūüėČ This was one of the few times I was ECSTATIC to be wrong.

For those of you in long term relationships…ever just needed a break? Maybe a little space? This song has been known to blast in my house if I need some alone time…LOL! Hey, at least it wasn’t U + Ur Hand… ūüėČ

Then there are the times where you get sick of the BS… Maybe that friend that does nothing but whine or lie or feel sorry for themselves. We all have our breaking points when you’re just done. Yes, I have sent this message in the past….and if that didn’t work, I’m not exactly afraid of confrontation.

Most important though? The messages you send yourself… Like when you’re a bit scared, apprehensive….and you need to remember how empowered you truly are… How strong…HOW ADAPTABLE… This is my newest favorite….

Do you use music to speak for you? To you? What songs have you used to communicate messages? You know I love when you guys share. It gives me little insights into you guys and what makes you tick…. Nothing thrills me more than that. ūüôā Besides, I’ve got something going on my personal life that could use some fingers crossed and good thoughts….

Self Pleasure A Solo Sport?

Why wait till May to talk masturbation???

Masturbation

A couple days ago I confessed to you guys that I can be a bit of a Grammar cop. Before I continue, look at the sentence under Masturbation….that statement needs a well placed comma to match the above picture, no? I’m pretty sure the sentence is also pretty accurate, too, though. Masturbation isn’t just limited to men I know. ūüėČ

Remember those myths/old wives tales¬†we used to hear about masturbation? My personal favorite was probably frequent¬†self pleasure¬†will make you go blind. Or what about the one that said¬†touching yourself¬†would make your palms hairy? Maybe you heard that masturbation would cause you to lose your ability to orgasm during actual sex…. or any of the many other myths out there.

With all the craziness surrounding something as simple and natural as masturbation, it’s no wonder folks are unwilling to admit to taking pleasure into their own hands. For me, personally, it’s my ideal way to relieve stress…assuming I’m someplace I can shuck my clothes. As it turns out, not only were those endorphins helping me to release stress and tension, they were also increasing my sex drive.

There’s this other myth that says that masturbation is a solo sport. I beg to differ. Everyone needs a helping hand. Sure, it can be… but alone is not your only option. I’m not talking about the whole leave your window curtains open “accidentally” so that the neighbors can get a peek…though if that does it for you, I’m the last person who will be throwing stones. What I’m talking about can be done several ways for multiple benefits.

Mutual Masturbation.

As we know, we women tend to need mental stimulation. Most men need visual stimulation. It would seem to me that playing in pairs would have a symbiotic effect. We can read our most recent racy novel or float off to fantasyland in our heads, then once our bodies are raring to go, invite our partners into the bedroom.

You can make it a game….

You: Baby, I’m feeling a little frisky and I want to play…
Him: Okay.
You: I want you to watch me touch myself…
Him: (thinking it’s incredibly hot and he just scored…wondering what’s the catch.) That’s hot.
You: There’s just one thing. I want to touch me. I want to watch you watch me touch myself. But you don’t get to touch me until I say okay. (After your first orgasm.)
Him: (Wow…That’s the catch?) Sounds hot. Do I get to touch myself?
You: (The view is just added inspiration) Absolutely.

Okay, so maybe the dialogue is a little cheesy, but think about this… There is something very sexy about sitting across from each other and pleasuring yourselves. Looking into each others eyes builds intimacy. Watching each other touch yourselves does something else. If you pay close attention, you will learn how your partner likes to be touched. Struggled to help your partner attain orgasm? They’re giving you an in depth look into their points of pleasure! Things have been getting a bit stale? Watch the “way” they touch themselves. There may be cues for different interests or role play scenarios in the future. You’ll learn if you’re too soft, too hard, too gentle…or just right (which can be an incredible ego boost).

Of course, you can also bring out the toys! Who says you have to be the one to masturbate you? Why turn a partner down if they’re in the mood to drive you out of your mind with ecstasy? Or *gasp* you could initiate it. Maybe you have a whole array of toys and your own toy chest or maybe you’ve never bought a vibrator before. Either way, do you know how exciting it can be for a man to be invited to join you as you “break in” a new toy? Maybe it’s one of those little finger vibes…(don’t knock ’em, they can be very powerful these days) or maybe it’s your rabbit. Personally, I’m enthralled with glass dildos these days (something about the fact that they can hold heat or cold gives me the shivers in a good way).

Here’s a truth…we all have our insecurities revolving around sex. Sharing intimacies like this with our partners helps break down those walls. It also helps both of you to better be able to meet your needs without pressure and frustration. In fact, if you haven’t found your g-spot yet, why not ask your partner for a team assist? You could “research” the subject online together…watching all sorts of “educational” videos. Maybe you could read books or articles…or go toy shopping and find something designed to hit “the spot”. Or that can just be your excuse to play…;-)

And if you’re newer to a relationship? Won’t they think you’re nasty or a slut or some other hideous label people create? Unless they’re severely repressed, not likely. In fact, you’ve just told them three things about yourself. You know your body and are not ashamed (nor should you be–regardless of what clothing size you might wear because they were attracted to you for a reason), you expect communication with your sex (novel concept, I know) AND that you like a bit of adventure with your loving. THERE IS NO DOWNSIDE HERE! (In fact, if they’ve got a problem…they’re likely also the downside…)

Masturbation is a genuine pleasure for me. There are all sorts of scenarios you can play out for pleasure…the one I listed above was just one of many…and meant to get your creative juices flowing. So while you’re thinking of it, what myths have you heard about sex that you know are just not true? You know I’m open to any questions you may also have surrounding masturbation and sex, so feel free to ask…

As you all know, I don’t believe in taking sex too seriously, so I thought I’d share with you the most hilariously cheesy¬†song I’ve heard in a while…appropriately called “Masturbation Song”.

Sunday Is For Intimacy

I love Sundays…especially the lazy ones. I adore Etta James…she was the original on this particular tune. Why did I choose Reba for this song? Because no one tells a story with her videos quite the way that she does. With this, she captures that “feel good” feeling, how special time spent with family can be, and the importance of children seeing that their parents love each other.

Sometimes I look at all the issues that face the world today…and think it all boils down to lack of love and family stability. It seems to me that people are so quick to throw love away when it gets hard. We don’t spend enough time together…talking to each other. People rarely sit down at the dinner table as a family anymore…not even on Sundays. We communicate through text messaging and email more than we do face to face. The intimacy of pure conversation, gone by the wayside.

A friend of mine joked one day on her Facebook page. She posted a picture and titled it “Teens At Risk” then added “no need to rub your eyes…these teens are actually playing the board game-gasp!” Sadly, that used to be something families did together. It was a great time to talk, to laugh, to build bonds….and we rarely see it anymore. When I was younger it was all about Scrabble and Life in our house. Can you imagine how a Scrabble game could go with our youth of today? With all the online and text short hand, it’s no wonder why writing and grammar is such a struggle in school. Even more importantly is that it’s just one more deterioration of family intimacy.

As important as family intimacy is, there’s also the intimacy between couples…the desire to work things out or love things out. As many of you who’ve read my poetry know, I have a predilection towards rain. I find rain to be intensely sexy. I love making out in the rain. I love walking in the rain (when it’s not too cold). I firmly believe rainy days were meant for three things…sleep, sex and reading….and not necessarily in that order. Isn’t it interesting that the ever so sexy Keith Urban just happens to have a song about rainy Sunday sex?

Am I completely off base in my assessments of what is lacking these days? I know there’s more than just this, but I think it’s a great place to start. So if you’re home with your family tonight, why not watch a show together? Or play a board game? And if it’s only you and the one you love, why not hide under the covers?