F is for Flirting and Fantasies

Once upon a time, many moons ago, I was voted class flirt for three years straight.

What was funny is that, although there were definitely times I was flirting, most of what they perceived as such was simply a matter of my being friendly combined with my naturally tactile nature. What was stranger to me was that the guys and girls I knew, when they did flirt, were so in-your-face-blatant that it wasn’t so much flirting as a proposition.

I finally figured that maybe I got the title simply because I was more successful. What they never learned with the artistry in both subtlety and sincerity. They never realized that often the most dramatically effective parts of flirting happened with no words at all. It’s amazing what great eye contact can do when coupled with a come hither smile. Total strangers will stop what they’re doing to come over and say hello. Like this scene from Don Juan DeMarco…. He was well on his way to seduction long before he laid his hand on hers.

The other thing often taken for granted was how stimulating an intelligent conversation with subtle hints of innuendo and warm, smiling, and constant contact could be to the desire to know someone better. The success is not limited to gender, appearance, or outright propositions, but rather the enjoyment of the flirt’s company and their ability to stimulate your imagination.

Which leads to fantasies. As odd as I found it that most people’s idea of flirting was over the top, and more in line with outright invitation, the complete opposite was true when it came to sexual fantasies and their fulfillment. It was okay to practically proposition someone, but to share the naughty little tidbits that drove their masturbatory motions left them practically mute!

Is it possible to be both ridiculously sexualized and practically puritanical?

Here’s the thing about fantasies…. Once you’ve caught the interest of some deserving person, there’s no harm or shame in sharing fantasies. In fact, it feeds a relationship; keeps things fresh. And just because you’re sharing fantasies doesn’t mean you have to fulfill them all. In fact, I’d hazard there are some that will never be acted upon, but the talking about it will be what fuels your hungers.

On the flip side, if you’re unwilling to discuss what revs your engine, should you really be surprised if sex stagnates? Becomes predictable? Boring? Do you know how damaging that can be for a relationship?

So I guess what I’m saying is this… To draw attention, use subtlety interspersed with candid, honest connection. Once in a relationship, practice honesty. Lower barriers and reveal your true self. If they don’t like what they see, better to know it quickly and move on. They’re not worthy. But you’ll never know if you don’t try….

Crossed Boundaries

My husband was watching the show Sullivan & Son the other night when I heard a clip that sent me running to the living room to watch. I’m pretty sure it had something to do with the humor of watching a train wreck unfolding…and not just because it involved a karaoke contest in a bar. The scene that caught my eye and made me giggle uncomfortably? Mother/son dirty karaoke. Obviously bars are a great place to find inappropriate behavior. Check it out and see if you don’t find yourself both laughing and embarrassed!

Okay, so in the course of life, awkward moments happen. It adds to the humor in life. In fact, I’ve seen some pretty interesting things back when I worked in hospitals. Retail has had more than it’s share of “unique situations”. There have been moments where I thought maybe I should bring a sign to hold up as a warning so people would know when they were crossing boundaries.

Boundary Warning

Boundary Warning

Sometimes people are unknowingly inappropriate or at least they pretend to be. My first year in retail began during the Christmas holiday season. I still recall a little old lady that looked like one of those little old church grannies. You know, the type who still get dressed up in their Sunday best to go shopping? I’d be surprised if she was a day under 80. I was working by myself one morning when she walked up to me and asked where we carried our “massagers”. Me, I pictured one of those manual ones…with the giant bumps or rollers that you run over your skin. Yeah…not at all what she was talking about.

Her: Where can I find your massagers?
Me: (Looking at her dumbly and thinking, you do know this is a retail electronic store, not Walmart, right?) Massagers?
Her: Yes. Personal massagers. I saw them in this Sunday’s advertisement.
Me: (quizzical look on my face) For here? As an electronic store, we don’t normally carry massagers. What did it look like?
Her: (Makes hand motions that look an awful lot like stroking a cock) The personal massager is cylindrical shaped…(hand motion) like this. I don’t recall if it plugs into a wall or uses batteries.
Me:(Blinking and thinking “personal massager”, my eye! Granny’s looking for a vibrator. Wonder if I should send her to Giggles up the street?) I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t carry anything even vaguely resembling that here.

Sometimes inappropriate behavior can be a bit flirty. I still remember a guy who came to one of my retail locations with a water damaged phone. Apparently it had vibrated into the sink at the airport when he left it sitting on the soap dispenser to wash his hands and he received a call. After I’d pulled his battery and put it back in, I powered it back on. The screen didn’t come up, but the device showed signs of life by the strongest vibrations I’ve ever felt in a phone.

Him: Did you fix it? Were you able to make it work?
Me: (I placed the phone in his hand) Not exactly. Here, feel.
Him:  (With a wink and a smile) You’re welcome to keep it, darlin’. I think it’ll do more for you than me.
Me: (Laughing) Wow! I’m impressed. You really went there. I think I like you.

What can I say, he was flirty, fun, with a southern accent…and kind of hot. I really didn’t mind!

Unfortunately, there are also the ones that will completely creep you out. There was a man who approached me for help in selecting a webcam back in the early 2000’s. They were just becoming popular so I didn’t think much of it….until he decided to elaborate.

Him: I want the best possible webcam I can buy under $50.
Me: I’ll be happy to help with that. Webcams are this way.
Him: It’s gotta be good enough so people can see real good. You heard of voyeur dorms? My girlfriend and I are gonna do something like that.
Me: (trying not to roll my eyes or make a rude comment…the guy was in his 40’s with a scraggly beard and not very clean. In fact, he kind of looked like a meth head.) I see.
Him: We’re gonna get rich. People are going to pay a lot of money to watch us. It’ll be me, my girlfriend and her daughter.
Me: (blinking) These are probably the best webcams in the range you mentioned. For what you’re planning, you may want to consider investing in something more than a webcam.
Him: Maybe once the money comes rolling in. For now, I’ll get one of these. You know, I like you. You seem like a cool chick. Wanna see a picture of my girlfriend and her daughter?
Me: (attempting to subtly back away) Uh….
Him:(Pulls out a picture of two women who were definitely related by blood and totally naked, together in poses I never wanted to see) That’s my girlfriend and that’s her daughter (he points them out). Hot, huh? She had this done for me for my birthday.
Me: (Nodding and lifting hand in goodbye gesture) Have a nice day.

Yeah, after dealing with that guy I felt like I needed a shower in the worst way. He was totally sleazy in the creepiest sense of the word.

Personally, I’d take the two Italian guys from Jersey over that guy any day. That one was odd on a totally different level. It wasn’t appropriate, but it was at least in a universe that didn’t involve potential mother/daughter action. Yuck. As for the guys from Jersey? I walked into one of my retail locations one day to find my supervisor frustrated and in need of advice. Apparently the two guys one of my reps was dealing with had a tendency to come in, be as loud and obnoxious as possible…and chose not to censor their vocabulary. This meant curse words flew frequently. They were business customers and high revenue, so my supervisor didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize the account. The problem was that they rubbed everyone the wrong way with the exception of one of my reps. She had a tendency to be a bit gossipy and loudmouthed herself.

That particular day was the first time I’d seen them. Observing them from a distance I noticed that they were scaring off some of my other customers, particularly the ones with small children. Unwilling to lose the business and used to dealing with this particular type of personality, I decided it was time for me to step in.

Me: Hi gentleman, how are you today?
My Employee: Guys, this is my boss.
Guy:(Though there were two guys, one only greeted me, the other was the real loudmouth) So what kind of discount can you give us on our shit? We want to upgrade. We spend a lot of money here.
Me: And we appreciate your business, but before I discuss those options with you, let me be clear about something. You need to lower your voice and watch your language. This is a family friendly establishment and my employees are on commission. I really don’t appreciate you coming in here and scaring off my customers. If you are unable to conduct yourself more professionally I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Are we clear?
Guy: (Hands up) We were only having fun.
Me: And I appreciate that. We want you to enjoy doing business with us. It’s completely unacceptable when your “Having fun” (And yes, I used air quotes on him) causes me to lose business and scares my customers away. If this happens again you can do all your business by phone. Do we understand each other?
Guy: Yes, ma’am!
Me: (Nods) Great. I’m glad we understand each other. Have a nice day, gentlemen.
Guy: (Leans over to my employee and stage whispers) Oh, my God. How much do you think I’d have to pay to have her smack me around?
My Employee: (Nods) Now you’re talking about the right woman.

Yeah…there’s no question the employee was reprimanded for making a comment like that to a customer. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t entertained, though. Apparently he was very wealthy, unhappily married and headed for divorce….and was serious about paying me to spank him. Did I do it? Nope.

What about you? What kind of wild, wooly, inappropriate or downright creepy things have you run into in your workplaces? Help me start Monday off with a bit of disbelief and laughter…

What Ever Can I Do, Officer?

What have you done to get out of a speeding ticket or traffic violation? Has it ever backfired on you? In my imagination, getting out of a traffic violation can get very hot…but that’s all it’s been for me…and my friends.

Hubby and I went to dinner with another couple last night. It’s our “usual” Friday night thing. In fact, we have a “usual” place, and fluctuate between two specific waitresses (upon request). Anyway, when our server got to our table, we chatted her up…and since she’s used to seeing us every week she’s also become accustomed to our men and their teasing.

Last night, when we asked how her week had been, she told us about a ticket she has to pay today. The ticket was close to $300, prompting the guys to ask her how fast she was going. The speed limit in the area she got busted in is 70 MPH. She said she was going around 85, but that when she’d been pulled over initially she thought maybe they were doing an “every car” kind of search, the way they do when there’s been a kidnapping or “criminal at large” search reported. Why did she think that? Because there were about 20 cars pulled over on the side of the road. She quickly found out…she hadn’t stood a chance. She’d been busted by air. Yup! A Cessna got her.

As you can imagine, this got to talk of tickets… More specifically, how people have gotten out of tickets.

Speeding Ticket

Hubby looked at our table and decided to share his “I got out of a ticket” story. He was about 21 or 22 at the time and living in the City Of Chicago. He had been on his way to my house in the suburbs. Back then he was one of my best friends. Anyway, he got pulled over by a Chicago cop….and here’s what happened.

Police Officer: Where’s the fire, son?
Hubby: I’m sorry, Officer. I’m on my way to Hinsdale Hospital. My girlfriend just called. She’s in labor.
Police Officer: (Looks him firmly in the eye) Well slow down, son. You won’t do your girlfriend or your new baby any favors if you get in an accident and die.
Hubby: You’re right, Officer. I’m sorry.
Police Officer: Good luck, son.

When he got to my apartment that night and told me…I won’t lie. I punched him in the arm. My response? “Seriously? We’re not even dating and you make me pregnant with your child?”

He laughed, “Hey, it got me out of my ticket.”

Ass.

It reminded me of a story with a good friend of mine, so I shared THAT story. It was around Christmas and we’d been in Florida for a little while. She had gotten out of work early, and we’d decided she’d come to my apartment so we could bake a bunch of cookies to give away during the holiday. On her way to my place, she saw those dreaded sirens in her rear view and pulled over. Now my friend has a lead foot, so she’s been pulled over a few times…but she was also a natural Double D, so most of the time she got out of her tickets…well, between that and tears. Quickly, she pulled off the work polo she’d been wearing, knowing she had a flattering, white tank top underneath…showing off her girls.

The officer walked up to the car:

My friend: (turning toward her window, pushing her ladies together just a bit and putting on her innocent face) What seems to be the problem, Officer?

Seeing a female officer standing at her window…completely unimpressed with her “endowments”, she knew she was screwed. When she came over to tell me, she was red faced…and I was unsympathetic. Yeah…I was rolling over, laughing my bon-bon off.

Now, me? I’ve had no luck getting out of tickets…of course I’ve only been pulled over once. I’d “run” a red light in a left turn lane.

Police Officer: (after asking for license & registration) Were you aware you ran a red light? Did you not see me behind you?
Me: No, I wasn’t aware, but yes, I did see you behind me.
Police Officer: I’m going to have to give you a traffic violation ticket. Unfortunately for you, this is considered within the “downtown” limits which raises the ticket by 5 dollars.
Me: (I’m a firm believer in owning your behavior and not making excuses) I understand. I ran a red light.
Police Officer: You must have been too far under the light already and not noticed that the color had turned. I’m sorry, I can’t give you a warning. Since running red lights has become the biggest cause of traffic related injuries and deaths in the area we’ve been told we have to crack down and that there’s zero tolerance for this violation.
Me: It is what it is. I understand. I, apparently, ran the light.
Police Officer: (after running my license) Here you go, ma’am. Again, I’m sorry. But, you know, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so maybe there’s a reason that I stopped you. (He must have been feeling pretty bad about the whole thing because he then went into this long, drawn out story about how he was from NYC and would probably been in the center of all the action around 9-11 had he not been heading down to Florida for an interview that week, causing him to miss the whole thing.)

I just wanted to get on with things. I didn’t need him to feel bad for me. Like I said…if I screw up, I’m not much for excuses. Oddly enough, I think that’s what threw him. He was expecting that…or maybe some flirting…or for me to give him a difficult time. I did none of those things. It wasn’t my style.

Radar Love…Or Broken Detectors

This week, I came to a realization…somewhere, somehow…I lost my edge! Either that or they grow El Paso men differently…and I don’t think that’s it.

In my wilder days, before I settled down, I was a bit of a player. Not that I was promiscuous. I wasn’t. I just dated. A. LOT. Most boyfriends rarely got past the 2 month mark. My family attributed this to my love of a pretty face/body battling my need for an intelligent man. Most of my boyfriends back then were blessed with one, not the other. Care to guess which? LOL!

Anyway, I have always been pretty perceptive about when a guy is attracted to me. Part of it is because I usually read people pretty well, but the other part is all those years of being a bad girl. Now that I keep my bad girl side reserved for hubby, apparently my my skills have suffered.

Don’t get me wrong…I still recognize when a guy looks at me, attracted. And I can still read the flirting… Where I’ve totally lost it is reading when someone is going to ask me out. Honestly, I don’t like hurting or embarrassing people, so if I sense it coming on, I will casually drop a “my husband likes” or a “my boyfriend says” into the conversation…always have (hence the my boyfriend reference).

So here’s what has me concerned about my skills. The sports bar next to the store I helped open is still under construction. Their employees have been coming in and out during breaks, buying our merchandise. So when one of the guys came in looking at hats, I thought nothing of it. I built rapport. He mentioned his mom had been at a game recently, and that she’d been wearing this awesome hat that had everyone asking her where she’d gotten them. I mentioned that if they were that popular, it may be something the owner might consider carrying in our store. I asked him to forward the picture to me. He did.

He was working on finding out who designed the hats for her and promised to get back to me. About an hour later he messaged me realizing we didn’t even know each other’s name and gave me his first name. I returned the courtesy and gave him my first name. He said he liked it. I get that a lot, so I let it roll off. Later, though, when he made the comment about me being so nice and other little innocuous things, I started to realize he was lightly flirting. I was amused.

As my relief came in, I told him to keep two of the caps aside for this customer. I mentioned that I thought he was flirting a little bit…and here’s how that convo went.

Me: Oh, my! I think he’s hitting on me a little!
Robert: You said he’s been texting you all afternoon. Of course he’s flirting!
Me: Awww. Well, that’s sweet. Kind of flattering.
Robert: He’s gonna ask you out tonight, mark my words!
Me: What! You’re crazy. He doesn’t even know me. We only talked for a few minutes. About the Cowboys.
Robert: You don’t know El Paso guys. He’s gonna ask you out.
Me: Nuh Uh! We’ve only talked a day. No way.
Robert: We’ll see.

And as I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, he asked me out. I had to text Robert back and tell him he was right & I was wrong. Do you know how much being wrong irks me? LOL!

I guess I never considered it as a possibility because it hasn’t happened in so often… Rarely am I without hubby at my side.

My lesson? Get to losing the last bit of weight on my plan so that we can get our rings re-sized and I can start wearing them again. It leaves less to chance.

For those of you wondering…of course I said no, but I let him down gently enough that he came back to buy those hats. And now I have one more new friend. 😉

Am I the only one who had special talents that seem to have gotten weaker with age and maturity? I can’t be… What are yours? Or when was the last time something or someone snuck under your radar?

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

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This is the gorgeous view from directly outside my hotel. See what I mean about gorgeous mountains? El Paso is beautiful. So far everyone has been amazing. They’ve been kind, welcoming and generally just bone deep nice!

Tonight, I’m chillaxing by my hotel bar with a glass of Malbec and feeling inspired. Last night was my first good, full night of sleep since I arrived. It wasn’t overly crazy so I had the opportunity to relax and catch up on some of my favorite passions. I’m enjoying Sophie Oak’s Siren Unleashed and read some of the amazing people whose blogs I follow. In fact, Crazy Train To Tinky Town wrote a really cool blog about airports and people watching. It inspired me.

I’ve spent a lot of my life in or around airports. This trip would be no different. In fact, I’m about two or three miles from the airport right now. As fun as people watching in an airport can be, I’ve found that the people you meet on the plane can be even more intriguing.

So my question…do you remember your most interesting travel seat mate? Tell me about them…and what made them so memorable. If you don’t have a memorable seat mate, maybe share your most intriguing conversation that happened during travel…

My cousin says I’m a magnet for “interesting”. Over the years I’ve come to realize that it’s not that I’m a magnet…it’s that I interact! I talk. I listen. And then I’m constantly entertained…which always translates to storytelling.

I’ll start with the most interesting interaction I had in an airport. A few years ago, hubby and I were heading to Dallas for a Cowboy game. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it…it was our honeymoon! Usually we catch a flight from our nearby airport, but this time we headed out of Tampa. As we sat in the airport, John Gruden came walking up. Apparently, he was also going to be on our flight. He was working for ESPN at the time and doing the show. I spotted him, then pointed him out to hubby. He walked up and shook Mr Gruden’s hand and told him how much we enjoyed him. The guy was very cool. In fact, he found us when we landed at DFW and told us to find him at the event and ask questions. He was absolutely great. He treated us like new friends. We loved it.

My most interesting “on the plane” interaction? The June I graduated from high school, my biological grandfather died. I knew the news was not going to be good when my cousin called at 6am. No one calls that late in my family in less there is an emergency.

I was going to be flying alone to Michigan… I was 18, so it wasn’t a huge deal. When I boarded, I noticed an elderly couple toward the front of the plane, but otherwise it was just me. Seated by a window on the center of the aircraft, I was just settling in when a group of tall, large, strong men walked onto the plane. As they took their seats, I noticed I was surrounded. Two of the giants (I’m only 5’3″…and back then was only 105 lbs) were sitting behind me, two in front & 2 more across the aisle, plus the rest of the guys on the plane. The guy in front of me was the sociable sort and turned around.

Kneeling on his seat in my direction our conversation went something like this:

Him: Hi there!
Me: (tilting my head to make better eye contact) Hello…
Him: How are you?
Me: Fine.
Him: Are you from Detroit?
Me: Nope. Going to Michigan for a family emergency.
Him: I’m sorry. (Pauses) Soooo…. How old are you?
Me: (Realized he was hitting on me and checking my status as jail bait…Rob Lowe had just recently gotten busted) I turn 19 tomorrow.
Him: Really? Got any proof?
Me: My military brat ID.
Him: Can I see?
Me: Sure.
Him: (smiles down at me) Happy birthday! (Turns to his other buddies) Hey guys…can you believe she’s 18?

I laughed. He had just waved the “go” flag for himself and his friends. I was also right…I was on a flight with a college football team. Suddenly I found myself under a microscope as they all peered over the chairs at me and said hello. I laughed. Then the guy continued:

Him: So, how long are you going to be in town?
Me: A few days.
Him: You should give me your number. I’ll take you out and show you the city.
Me: (laughing and a bit coy…and not nearly as naive as he thought) My mama told me not to give my number to strangers.
Him: I introduced myself. We’re not strangers anymore.
Me: Why don’t you give me YOUR number. If I want you, I’ll call you.

After a bit of playful debate, he gave me his number. As we got of the plane, he and five of his friends insisted on escorting me “safely” to my family. The look on my relatives’ faces were priceless! Their eyes were huge as the boys all said goodbye, each stooping down to give me a hug.

I never did call the guy back…but is it any wonder why I so enjoy ménage stories? Does this not help to explain my interest with the Mile High Club?

Your turn!