Relationships and Awkward Parentals

We all have those awkward moments when parents go rogue and get a little TMI or do something completely unexpected that leaves your jaw dragging on the floor, right?

Mine happened after my bridal shower while we were sitting around a table with one of my mom’s co-workers and her daughter (both whom I’d just met that day), my aunt, my cousin, and my sister.

It all started innocently enough with my sister telling us how she’d accidentally worn CFM pumps to church and nearly face planted when the heel stuck in the carpet and how difficult they were to walk in. She hadn’t realized when she’d bought them that they were that high or what CFM (Come Fuck Me) stood for in the first place…until her friend saved her from the disastrous fall and told her what those kinds of shoes were called.

We were all laughing when my mom, who apparently owned the same pair of shoes, decided to throw in her $.02 and tell us all that she’s never had any issues with her heels and that my step-dad loved it when she wore them to bed.

On the one hand, mom deserves a fist bump and a, “You go get you some!”

On the other? She’s my mom and I needed to scrub my imagination.

Hello! WRITER!

Then today, this Kelly Clarkson Show video caught my attention.

Although this story was hilarious, it reminded me of an old classmate of mine from early high school. You see, Paul had a HUGE crush on my mom. To the point that his 14 year old self had decided he needed to marry her.

And he took it a step further.

He, in front of me and several of our other friends, walked up to another parent who was good friends with my mom and asked, “Mr. B. do you think I’d make a good step-dad?”

The boy was serious. (And I was seriously dying because 1. my mom has NEVER been into boys. 2. that took guts. And 3. I was older than him by a year and was never gonna be calling that kid dad.)

In my new book, A Way With Words, one of our heroes, Drew, has an outrageous mom, too, so I thought I’d share a little excerpt.

“I…” Drew said between gasps and howls. “Just..realized…something! Haha!”

Ty snickered as he watched Drew wiping tears from his eyes. “What’s that?”

“My mom’s gonna be so jealous!” Drew roared. “She’s gonna think I stole her man!”

“Are you serious?” Ty was grinning.

Drew sucked in a deep breath and tried to steady his giggles. “I’d say as a heart attack, but after the last ER visit, I’d rather none of us had to be in the vicinity of that place.” He smirked at Ty, then grimaced at the cramp in his side. “She called dibs on you the day she met you, years ago. Of course, back then I’m pretty sure she had no idea that I’d be her prime competition, not that I think she’d care. Hell, she may get a little awkward. You remember her tendency to overshare, right?”

Suddenly his humor had dried up as he pictured the awkward, way-too-detailed-for-any-son’s-comfort advice the woman tended to dole out. Shit. He had no doubt she was going to be fine with everything, but if the woman started giving him lube advice or asking Ty kinky questions no mom should ask, he was going to die. Hell, he should probably warn Kalina. He just knew his mom was going to ask her if she enjoyed being the meat in a man sandwich or some such. Ugh. He loved the woman, but she had no filter. He was under no delusions that he came by that trait honestly.

Ty’s face lit up. “Relax! We can handle your mom. Hell, I love that woman.” He winked at Drew. “If I were into cougars, I might have taken her up on her teasing eons ago.”

What the Dirty Mind Projects…

If it doesn’t sound familiar to you, good on ya.

Me? I practically wrote that book. I’d apologize, but I’m pretty sure no one would believe I was being sincere.

It’s not like I go out of my way… These opportunities just fall into my lap. I mean, have you ever really listened to announcers for sporting events? I do. And half of what they say is outright naughtiness. And, of course, me being me…I share it on FB or Twitter. Of course, if you’re my friend or follower on either of these formats, I’m not telling you anything you didn’t already know.

I can’t be the only one, right? Those play-by-play guys sound completely pervy?

The knack for finding naughty in the midst of all things innocent is a gift…and happened again the other day at work. Because it happens so often I thought nothing of it until a couple days ago when this happened:

Co-worker: I got a new keychain.

Me: Cool!

Co-worker: Don’t act so surprised. It’s all your fault.

Me: Huh?

Co-worker: Ever since you made that comment about my old one, I can’t un-see it! Plus, I had a tendency to flick it which just made it that much worse.

Me: (laughing hilariously) So what you’re saying is I wasn’t wrong…

Of course, she didn’t comment on that. Well, unless you count when another co-worker mentioned her getting a new key chain which had her blaming me again and telling the other co-worker what I’d told her. The other peer’s response? “Of course she said that….”

You all tell me…

When you look at the above keychain, would you say something like, “Oh how cute! It’s a mini-flogger keychain!” Especially if it were red leather and the person holding it kept snapping her wrist and making the falls dance….?

Sadly, I then had to explain what the word flogger meant…she understood whip better (or maybe I should say ‘worse’). Of course, part of me found that kinda fun, too. Wouldn’t you if you were me?

Obviously I’m still way too entertained by this whole thing, but it had me wondering. When people say “we always have that one friend who…” I know the next part of that statement as it pertains to me will have something to do with either my grammar fetish or my dirty mind. What do people say about you? And what have you ruined for someone else that left you completely amused?

Make It Memorable; Love’s Many Faces

Valentine’s Day. The day for lovers, right? Romance, flowers, whatnot…

Yeah, maybe.

But that’s not my most memorable Valentine’s Day.

Don’t get me wrong, there were elements of those things in that day, but that’s not the BIG MOMENT.

My day?

It was supposed to be my day off, but I had to finish making a schedule (and hubby was working anyway) so I stopped in to work for a few hours. I didn’t stay long; was out by noon. No sooner had I left that my office was calling again. Turned out Edible Arrangements had been there and delivered a gift from my guy.

GREAT start to my Day, right? I headed home to start cooking hubby his favorite Filipino dishes…chicken adobo (adobong manok), fried rice, and broccoli.

Hubby walked in to a great smelling house and a hot, tasty meal… There were probably gifts, but I can’t remember now. What I do remember is that he loved the meal, that I went to bed early as I had an early work day & a 14 hour shift the next day….

Right about now you’re scratching your head and wondering what is so memorable, right?

Well, I hadn’t gotten there yet.

Sometime after 11 pm, hubby came in and woke me up. Said he was having pretty severe abdominal pain and wanted to make sure I was ok. Apparently, he was worried it might have been food poisoning except I’d been sleeping like a baby. So then he narrowed the pain to his lower right side.

Googling his symptoms, I realized it could be his appendix. He was scared, but also worried about me and work. So I talked him into going to the ER alone, making him promise to call me if it turned out to be anything serious. At about 1:30 am, I got the call. He sounded a little terrified.

Him: Lovey, they told me I have a necrotic appendix.

Me: Oh no!

Him: Can you come here? They told me I need surgery. I tried to ask if they could write me a prescription to slow it down in the meantime so I could call a doctor and schedule it.

Me: (choking back a chuckle) Yeah. Pretty sure that’s not gonna happen.

Him: Nope, but it was worth a shot. They told me they didn’t think I understood. The ambulance is on the way now to take me to surgery. Can you come, please?

Me: I’m on my way.

Him: I can’t believe you poisoned me for Valentines Day.

Me: I did not. And stop saying that or there may be people who believe you or at least start to wonder. I’m on my way.

And that’s how I found myself in the emergency room on the 15th, calling out from my job, calling friends to walk my dogs during the day, and headed for the hospital to be with my husband.

So, yeah, my most Memorable Moment had everything to do with the ‘For Better or Worse, In Sickness and in Health’ part of our vows. Those moments mean more than any random superficial stereotypes. And that he hadn’t lost his sense of humor, even through his fear and pain? That just shows I married a badass.

So tell me about your most memorable Valentine’s Day. Did it embody any part of the wedding vow? Or are you an non-believer, feeling this only lines Hallmark’s pockets with gold?

When Cock Goes From Cute to a Cause #SaveTheCocks

I admit it…. I find it utterly hilarious when I manage to cock shock my gay male friends. Why would I specify “gay” in this conversation? Because they’ve pretty much seen and heard it all when it comes to cock. Or so they think.

The other day, however, one of my oldest online friends who I’ve been fortunate enough to hang out with in person posted about “the rooster.” Yup! Apparently, I’m not his only Filipino friend. And definitely not the only one he’s talking to these days, because I saw this on his FB.

Talking with Filipino friends a lot. Is that . . . is that a rooster?! Looooool. It is! And not just one friend. Several. Why do you lot have roosters?! Whatever. Week made.

Obviously, my friend is American and had no idea that this had a lot to do with cultural differences….so I decided to enlighten him.

Ummm…Did you not know that cock fighting is a popular sport in the Philippines?

Now, with my gay male friends, a statement like that has the potential of being taken one of two ways…

Like this-

Or like this-

Well, my friend is pretty smart, but he hadn’t realized that was a thing. That in that particular third world country there were arenas and bets placed, and it was a source of entertainment. He quickly went from entertained to kinda horrified.

What had been innocent with him was actually a pretty dark thing half a world away. But it got me wondering… Is it really only a third world country thing?

Sadly, it’s not. The ASPCA gives a pretty detailed explanation of how cock fighting works, including the razor blades taped to the roosters legs, which states have laws to prevent these events, and how you can help. And The Humane Society shows where animal blood sports have been prosecuted.

Yeah, I admit it. I giggled when I wrote the world “cock fighting” to my friend because the first image popped into my head. I giggle-snorted when another friend added the save the cock hashtag to his page. But the reality is no laughing matter…any more than dog fighting or any other animal bloodsports are.

These animals can’t fend for themselves…so they need us to speak out on their behalf. Thoughts?

What Makes Me #Embraceable?

Everyone is just a little bit different. It’s what makes us beautiful AND what bonds us.

But how often have you lost yourself?

Forgot to believe in you?

Been afraid to show your true colors?

Your sexuality?

I’ve been fortunate to work together with August McLaughlin and some of the most beautiful souls in the world to bring this labor of love to you guys…and it’s finally released on paperback!

Here’s a little bit of what I shared in the book on the subject of “Slut” Shaming:

Maybe part of me is still that young girl, fighting back against those bullies

who dared name me a “slut.” Maybe it’s simply my way of trying to help other

people understand that there’s nothing wrong or dirty about sex, but rather the

shaming and judgment that seem to follow it.

 

Yes, there’s more to the story than that….but you’ll have to read it to find out more. I truly believe that this book is powerful enough to change the world if we let it…

And the voice who brought us together? Well, August is generously doing a giveaway right HERE to celebrate the release of this amazing book that includes jewelry, gift cards, and more!

But if you’d like to purchase your own copy, please… feel free! Part of the proceeds are going to supply womens shelters with much needed feminine hygiene products! Buy your copy HERE!

And while you’re there… you can always pick up a copy of my book, Four One Night, which is on sale this weekend for $.99!

But, back to the above questions….

What makes you Embraceable?

Everything!

Hey, Stranger! Let Me Introduce Myself… #Hello2016

Hello

Bonjour! I hope everyone’s having a stellar new year so far.

When Anna over at Herding Cats & Burning Soup came up with this idea for a blog hop, I was pretty stoked! Basically, here’s how this one goes. In this hop, we’re to introduce you to fun, quirky things about ourselves and/or our blogs. Not the boring, obvious stuff like I’m an erotica writer who can turn practically anything into innuendo….but more random, surprising, or maybe disturbing things. PLUS, we give stuff away AND a lot of cool authors and bloggers are involved.

Is there anything better than FUN & FREE?

So here goes….

Image courtesy of Karen Shaw at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Karen Shaw at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My biggest fear is not blood or guts or gore…. If you want to see me get all weak, girly, and scream like someone murdered me (aka not in the good, orgasmic way)… watch me when I see a frog. I completely lose my dignity. Don’t believe? Read about it….HERE.

I don’t care what anyone thinks. They. Are. NOT. Cute!

Hospital

In a past life I worked for a hospital for several years. The tales I tell are both comical and a bit disconcerting with the strange things people have done…Check it OUT!

On a personal level?

Yup! I AM that girl that pretty much turns everything into a song. This was a little snippet from my wedding day. My sister gave me a hug, and someone said something like…”Awww, look at the sisters…” Which caused me to break into this song, and my sister to chime in. Yes, it’s a family thing. I come by it naturally.

The strange? Cause, ya know…. There had to be the strange, right?

My favorite flip flops and toe rings

My biggest insecurity body image insecurity came from my feet. I hated them with a passion. Felt they were ugly….until I met a foot fetishist who helped me view my feet in a different way. Here’s THAT story.

As for what most consider my most contradictory characteristic? I guess it’s the fact that despite writing ménage erotica, I don’t consider my very outspoken, focused belief in the Freak Flag, letting it fly to contradict my very passionate belief in Christianity and my faith. In fact, I wrote about that, too. It even got me on GirlBoner radio with August McLaughlin.

Anyway…. that’s a bit about me. Now, to tell you what I’m giving away and how to qualify.

I’m feeling generous. I’m giving away 3 books. Two are mine. (Three For All & Four One Night) The third? It’s a project I was honored enough to participate in… all about empowering female sexuality. This is a subject near and dear to my heart. The book? Embraceable: Empowering Facts and True Stories About Women’s Sexuality. They are all in ebook format.

To win, I want you to share something unique and personal about yourself with me. Something that might surprise people, or maybe what you’re passionate about, or which body issues you’ve overcome. It doesn’t matter as long as it’s in the spirit of getting to know each other.

And if you want a chance at more prizes? Check out the link below and visit the other participants!

S is for Sex Appeal

Sexy

What is sexy?

If you were to ask the average adolescent they’d probably tell you it’s a hottie dressed in provocative clothes. Or lingerie that leaves nothing to the imagination.

And if you asked them what sex appeal was, they’d probably give a similar answer.

As we mature, we start to realize there’s so much more to sex appeal than hot, half naked, and obvious.

MeowWhat comes to mind for you when you think of someone who oozes sex appeal?

For me, it’s intelligence and humor. Somehow they seem to manifest themselves in the playfully irresistible grins or the knowing, intent looks.

CleverYeah, for me, intelligence is an amazing turn on. So is someone comfortable in their own skin.

Sexy Soul

Confidence is hot. So is honesty. And honor.

Yeah. What people seem to forget is that sexy is predominantly mental. Not physical (although being in great health is also sexy).

What things do you find irresistibly sexy? What screams sex appeal to you?