I was sitting in my living room, peacefully sipping coffee and writing out my Christmas cards (yes, I know I’m running out of time) when a memory flashed through my mind that bore sharing. Maybe it was because I was writing the card for my aunt… Regardless, I had to chuckle.
I’m pretty sure everyone has had one of those moments with a relative that made you stop, become an owl for a moment…in that all you could do is stare at them with wide eyes and blink a few times before words returned into your brain…and then wish you could take that Men In Black light to yourself and reset the last few minutes. Right? Well, this blog post is going to be about THOSE moments…and just to be fair…since I’m airing my dirty laundry…I fully expect you to share some of your moments, too!
I have this aunt. She’s a sweet, sweet woman…but apparently she really wasn’t educated in the way of the world…or at least carnal passions. I find this to be kind of strange and funny in that my dad and uncle (her brothers) were incapable of keeping it in their pants. My aunt, though, despite the fact that her current husband is #3, was able to maintain this surprising naiveté.
A few years back my dad & sister had flown in, staying with her in Orlando. As Orlando is only 2-3 hours away depending on traffic conditions on I-4, I drove over to spend the night and hang out. We wound up spending the day at this little shopping area near her home. When we stopped for lunch we got to talking about her past in Puerto Rico. She lived there for a time…and had been having marital troubles with Uncle #3 while out there. You see, she was isolated out there…his family didn’t really speak English and she didn’t speak Spanish. Icing on the cake…this particular Uncle liked to keep her in the dark and dependent on him. (Yes, I know…all kinds of issues with that one, but those are for another time.)
Anyway, she pulled me aside and told me this story.
Aunt: You know, your uncle has a problem.
Me: He does?
Aunt: Yes, he does. A (hushed voice) Sex problem.
Aunt: It’s just terrible…. Your uncle is (stage whisper) A Pervert!
Me: (trying not to laugh…trying very, VERY hard) A pervert?
Aunt: Yes! A Pervert! In fact, I had to call the police on him one time.
Me: (imagining the worst) The police?
Aunt: Uh huh! Your uncle is very sick in the head. Do you know what he tried to do?
Aunt: He tried to sodomize me!!!
Me: (trying to not die from the laughter building up inside) I see…
Aunt: Isn’t that terrible? That’s just not natural!!!
Me: Mhm….(still not capable of any words…blinking like an owl…hoping not to burst out laughing)
Aunt: So I called the police. I told them what he tried to do.
Me: Oh, my.
Aunt: Yes. He had to go to jail and they told him that he couldn’t sodomize me without my consent. Who on earth would consent to something like that? I’m not a pervert!
Yeah….Well, those of you who follow my blog already know…I’m not exactly little miss wilting violet, nor am I naïve or innocent. I didn’t quite think the idea of anal sex was the end of the world. The fact that she referred to it as “sodomy” was quite shocking to me, though…I haven’t heard it referenced that way except maybe in the Bible!
The thing is…from what I gathered…when she screeched “no”. He stopped…which is probably why he didn’t do any real time…he was just arrested so the “misunderstanding” could be sorted out. Had the act happened without her consent, obviously I wouldn’t be sharing or finding any sort of humor in this. What it really boiled down to was that she got a surprise (somehow she’d not realized anal sex is really not THAT taboo). My thought was…the whole thing could have been avoided if they’d talked first…but Uncle #3 wouldn’t be the first guy to try to slide his sausage in that orifice without discussion, hoping and praying the lady went for it… And I’m sure he won’t be the last. Still, my aunt and sodomy are now 100% linked in my brain for all eternity.
This same sweet aunt of mine was with me at my mom’s when I had my blink worthy moment there… It was my bridal shower. Most of the guests had already left…so my mom, sis, aunt and cousin were all sitting around my mom’s dining table with me. As we are talking, somehow the subject of high heels comes up. Nothing dangerous, right? Unless you’re hanging with MY family.
Sis: I never shop for heels with mom anymore.
Mom: It wasn’t that bad!
Sis: You heard this story, right?
Me: I don’t think so!
Sis: Well, it’s on par with the horses and whale penis story from that one Thanksgiving.
Me: So do I want to know?
Sis: Probably not
Mom: (at same time as sis) It’s not that bad…
Cousin: Whale and horse penises?
Sis: Long story…
Cousin: What about the heels?
Sis: Mom and I went shopping. We found these heels with an awesome pattern. They were grey and black. But the heels were high.
Mom: I walked in them fine.
Sis: I know, Mom….anyway, I tried them on and they seemed comfortable, so I bought them. I should have tried walking in them first.
Sis: So the first time I decided to wear these shoes was to church. I was singing in the choir. We were processing that day. I almost fell flat on my face when the heel caught on the carpet. A friend grabbed hold of my elbow and walked me all the way down the aisle. I didn’t realize they were CFM pumps or I never would’ve worn them to church!
Me, Aunt and Cousin: Oh, no!
Aunt: What’s CFM?
Me: (blushing a bit) Come Fuck Me? Mom, don’t kill me…she asked…
Mom: Girls! There are pumps called that?
Me: Yes, mom. So, sis… you almost fell?
Sis: Yeah, hard to balance. So, I called mom and told her about it.
Me: (afraid of what my sis is going to say next) And what did mom say?
Mom: (laughing her butt off and staring at my sister…not exactly comforting for me)
Sis: She said, I didn’t have any problems with my heels. Your stepdad liked it when I wore them to bed.
Me: And that’s why they call them CFM, Mom…not that I ever needed that image.
Cousin & Aunt think it’s hilarious and are laughing their butts off…and pretty soon, so were we…
Yeah…family members can say the darndest things, can’t they? The thing is, if you knew my mom…she’s little miss goodie two shoes! This is the same woman who looked at my stepdad on their first date…before they even left and said, “I don’t believe in adultery, nor do I believe in fornicatious behavior.” I loved his answer…”Lady, I just want to take you to dinner!”
Every family has their sitcom moments…and now it’s time for you to share yours. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a Christmas clip from one of my all time favorite sitcoms…