Left Behind

Let me go.
I’m not here…
Chase your life;
Face your fear.
Find your passion
Feed your soul,
Reach for things
That make you whole.

Celebrate
Our memory,
Of laughter, tears;
A legacy.
Embrace the joy.
Never forget;
Keep moving forward,
Let go of regret.

Honor my gift,
Cherish and share,
The joy in remembrance;
You’ll find me there.
So open your arms,
Set yourself free,
And smile when you think back
On memories of me.

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here because life kind of got away with me. But today I was inspired to write something special. Something specific.

I was at a celebration of life service today. The mother of a friend passed away, so I went to help their family honor her. It also reminded me of some of my losses, but instead of focusing on what I hoped they knew, I found myself focusing on the message I’m pretty sure they wanted those of us left behind to hear.

A lot has been going on in my universe this last year. I started a new day job; one that I love, but limits the amount of time I have for writing, but it allows me to help change people’s lives. My sister gave birth to our first nephew on my side of the family….waaaay early. There were fears that we could lose them both, but they’re both thriving these days. And then there’s the step-dad. As most of you know, he’s more a father to me than my bio dad. Keep him in your thoughts. He’s battling cancer. I effing HATE that word.

What I’m trying to say is…. Please be patient with me. I still love you guys. I’m still here. I’ve just had a lot going on…. Including a project that I can’t say anything about yet. But I will. I miss you guys.

Haunted

Woman-Crying

You look right through me,
the ghost,
turning away.
I have become
invisible to you.
I reach out,
Praying you’ll notice
how I ache
for a gentle word,
a soft caress
that says
“You’re beautiful to me.”

I beg you to hear me,
just once,
look my way!
Wishing you’d see the heart
I laid bare for you.
The walls
you built to make our house
left me
on the outside,
The stranger at the door
waiting for my invitation
or a simple
“Welcome home.”

We used to be great together,
equal partners; a team.
Now I’m just
the babysitter
who bore your children,
and warms your bed.
You don’t reach out
across our chasm
in dark of night.
You turn away,
my lonely heart aching
for
“I love you.”

How much longer
can I battle
for our life without your help?
The woman I am
slipping further away.
You haven’t even noticed
how your cold shoulder
erodes my confidence:
saps my strength.
I’ve given you
all I have.
The only thing left
is
“Goodbye.”

I am in a very happy, healthy relationship. I’m lucky. My husband loves me and doesn’t, not even for one second, take me for granted. He treats me with love and respect. We are a team…true partners. Sometimes, talking to some friends, I almost feel guilty talking about him because I know how very different their relationships are.

One friend in particular comes to mind. Her marriage is in trouble. She has been fighting her butt off to try to save it. She’s a great parent. She’s given up so much for him…to try to make a home for him, to help him build the career he wants, to support him. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been a two way street. Every time she thinks she’s making a breakthrough, he pulls the rug out from under her…breaking her heart all over again.

Truth is, if she didn’t love him, she’d have walked away a long time ago… Instead, she’s like Don Quixote…battling windmills. I watch as this vibrant, strong woman becomes reduced to tears of frustration…trying to find another way to stay in a love she’s beginning to feel is one sided. I watch her digging deep, trying to hold on to the powerful, intelligent, wonderful person that the rest of us see…but feeling like she’s shattering inside, her essence corroding away.

It sucks to be the bystander, unable to do anything to help but listen and support. Today I asked her…”How much are you expected to take?” Her answer was, “I don’t know.” Sadly, he’s of the school that believes if you ignore it, the problem isn’t there. It definitely doesn’t help.

So what happens when you get pushed back against a wall and you run out of options? When you run out of reasons to fight? More importantly, when you see your friend devastated and your heart is breaking for them…what do you do? I did the only thing I think I can… listened and offered support. I wish I could do more.