The Heart….

I adore this song… It’s a great reminder that what makes this holiday great is the little things:

  • Time Spent With the People Who Matter
  • Hope (for the future, ourselves, our loved ones….both inspiring it and clinging to it)
  • Love (the kind you give freely, and the kind you accept)
  • Cherishing Special Moments
  • Taking a Second to Stop and Appreciate the Little Things

It’s not the monetary gifts that make the season special. It’s the things that money can’t buy.

Birthdays…

  
For me, it’s the birthdays that are hardest… Not the anniversaries of their deaths, but the celebrations of their lives…taken way too soon. 

I could drive myself crazy wondering “what if,” but what’s the point? My precious brothers were still lost to us way too soon. So I try to smile. I remember the silly moments and the laughter… Terrorizing my younger sister because that’s what siblings do.

I remember how proud Jonathan (the one in the navy shorts) was because I was the “cool” babysitter for him and his friends. The one who would pile drive or body slam them into couches.

I remember little Paul with his big voice and bigger heart. How he could charm anyone with a couple of words and a friendly smile… A joyful addition to our family, lost to us so quickly, leaving only two years of memories behind.

Today is Jonathan’s birthday… 

I wonder if he knows he has a namesake? Another beautiful angel with a warrior’s heart and a smile to melt the hardest heart. The premie miracle who battled his way into this world as a 1.5 lb. fighter, determined to prove how strong and resilient babies truly are. I’m thrilled and blessed that he’s a little tough guy and 100% healthy. He’s the pride and joy of our family… (And now over 12 lbs.)

If I seem bittersweet, just know I’m paying my respects. Remembering my brothers with love in my heart, and wishing peace and hope on this great nation.

V is for Virginity

Do you remember when you lost your virginity? Was it anything like you imagined it would be?

I remember that once upon a time, I thought it would be this big, sexy romantic deal. You know, planned out. Lots of candles and ambiance and romance. In the early stages of puberty I was torn between whether I wanted to lose it on my wedding night the way I was told “a good little girl” did or if I would simply wait till I was in love.

Although my virginity story wasn’t all candlelight and roses, it was definitely memorable in a good way.

It was also with the guy who I would eventually marry.

Yeah, yeah…. I was a total cock tease in my youth, but for some reason my virginity needed to mean something to me. I wanted it to be important to the person I chose to share it with. I’d only have it once. So I chose someone I loved. Someone who cherished me enough to take the time to make sure I was already overwhelmed with pleasure (aka orgasm) before he popped the cherry…making the endorphins and pain blend into something that was kinda sexy hawt.

The reality is that not everyone’s like me.

One of my best friends decided to wait till she got married. She doesn’t regret it. She now has two children and is perfectly thrilled to still be experimenting and exploring all sorts of fun sexiness with her man.

Another one wanted to lose her virginity to a stranger…because she imagined the whole process to be awkward, mildly painful, and embarrassing. She figured with a stranger she wouldn’t have to see him again if it turned out to be everything she pictured.

Was she wrong to think that way? Was I? What about my other friend?

Nope. None of us were.

There’s no right or wrong way to lose your cherry. The funny thing you realize thought? Regardless of what works for you (and it is all about what’s right for you), I’ve learned that it’s always memorable…

So now it’s your turn to share. What did you picture and how did it actually turn out? Regrets? No?

First Time Sharing

Tonight I have firsts on my mind. First crush, first kiss, first love, first time, first heartbreak… I know, oddly innocent and nostalgic, but after my buddy LJ Kentowski mentioned in the last blog that I had a ton of memories, I figured it was time to jog everyone’s memory. So please, sit, relax and take a ride with me on this train of reminiscing. Think back to your firsts…when you hear the word, what comes to your mind? Bet it’s more than one thing!

My first solo: in church. I was 2. Song? Jesus Loves Me!

First Plane trip: 8 months old. From Philippines to California.

First best friend: a little blond girl named Corinne. Unfortunately the friendship was short lived based on all the travel our family did with the military. I was 3 and she was 4.

First crush: a boy in the Philippines. His name was Michael. He was 7, I was 6. He was my teacher’s nephew. He gave me my first kiss on the cheek. We lost touch when I moved to the states, but eventually got back in touch when I was in 8th grade.

First “real” kiss: I was 14. The boyfriend’s name was Joe. He had dark, almost black hair, dark brown eyes, a smattering of freckles over his turned up nose, and sexy lips. He was also the first boyfriend to give me his jean jacket to wear as a sign that we were dating.

First love: a boy named Jay. I was 15, he was 16. He was Italian. Brown hair and eyes. He had olive skin and an awesome tan to go with an awesome body. We were both big flirts. Our song was Atlantic Starr’s Always. He was a football player and wrestler. His sister was one of my two best friends. The other one was a girl named Laura. He cheated on me with her, effectively ending our friendship. Later I forgave him and took him back. He would be the first and last guy I’d do that with. This also makes him my first heartbreak. We were just too volatile for each other in the end. To this day I hate that song.

First time: actually, it’s kind of sweet! It was hubby. I was 9 days from my 20th birthday. I’d decided long ago that I wasn’t going to rush sex. I wanted it to be something I wouldn’t look back on with regret. Too many of my friends were like that. I decided waiting till marriage would be unrealistic for me. So I decided I needed to wait for someone I was in love with.

First job: babysitting at 13 years old. She paid me $5 an hour. The kid’s name was Michael & he was my brother’s best friend.

What firsts do you remember? Do you look back on them with nostalgia?

Here’s an awesome song about firsts that could’ve been written for hubby and me.

For The First Time

En Musica, Mea

There’s a beauty
in lyrics
that wraps around
my soul,
Soothes away hurts,
Calms raging demons.

Music is
my time machine;
transports me
to my past.
Just a note,
a chord,
a gentle refrain.

When words can’t
come
to grieve,
give comfort,
to reach out a hand…
a melody
can say them
so much more adequately.

Music is my
solace,
my comfort,
my joy.
The harmony in my heart
that lives on
long after
I am gone.

The title is Latin…translating to “In Music, Me”. As many of you know, music is a driving passion for me. It enriches and brings joy to my life. I don’t have the heart to pursue music professionally…for constant practice to attain perfection in this venue kills some of the joy for me. Instead, it is simply a part of my soul that I love to share.

For some people, a certain smell will transport them in time…or maybe something they saw, or something someone says. Maybe a phrase or an expression. For me, it’s always been music. There aren’t many situations, expressions, or experiences that I can’t find lyrics to fit. So here’s my challenge. I’m in a playful mood today…and feeling the need to share music. Why don’t you help me indulge it? You tell me a little bit about your mood or a situation, maybe a memory or whatever…and let’s see if I can’t find a song to match it… Please help soothe my inner musical beast and play along…

In the meantime, here’s a song that expresses how music is my time machine…