Condoms, Kinks, and Hijinks

Have you ever wondered what your friends think of you? Well, yesterday gave me a dose of hilarity while answering what my pal, Jenny Hansen (of the More Cowbell fame) thinks of me…or at least where she thinks my mind is most of the time. She tagged me on Facebook with the following image and this message:

Kitt, I just laughed my butt off. I ran a search for you to catch up on your posts and here was the result. I about fell off my chair. LOL.”

Courtesy of Jenny Hansen

Courtesy of Jenny Hansen

I admit it. I giggle snorted immediately…because the first thing that drew my eye was what drew hers.

What can I say? Sex comes up a lot when I’m around. But only in the best possible way. As you’ve probably noticed by the post titles, there’s also not much I won’t talk about.

Which actually leads right into the whole condoms and kinks portion.

As a few of you might remember from my piercings post, I am in a private facebook group where the members love to read and talk kink of all sorts. There are no judgments, you can ask questions, you can talk fetishes…and share the hottest, sexiest reads you’ve discovered with likeminded individuals.

My pal, Anna, from Herding Cats and Burning Soup threw out a question to the group a week or two ago surrounding fetishes. She asked the group what specific fetishes they loved to read about. Not authors. Kinks. Mine were easy…and not much of a shock to those who’ve read my books because a lot of it is also what I enjoy writing. I LOVE M/M/F ménages, especially if there’s some bisexual play between the guys. I also love D/s power exchanges (and I’m not gender specific on who wields the whip). I’m also hugely intrigued by rope bondage, specifically shibari, and think I’d like to take a class to learn how. Heck, Fet-con in Tampa is only a hop-skip-and-a-jump away. Maybe I should sign up.

Anyway, as often happens with this group, things devolve into hilarity…and this time it was all about a condom. As some of you know, bare backing can be considered a kink if/when you’re involved in what folks may consider a “risky” lifestyle. (For those of you wondering, bare backing is another word for unprotected sex.) Anna pointed out that in these books the heroes are usually quite big players at the beginnings of these books until they meet their “soul mates.” So, for her, condoms are a must. Then she went on to lament that although most of her favorite authors use condoms in their stories, she’d love a little variety…like glow in the dark. When she said that, my brain responded with “challenge accepted.”

This, of course, got me thinking. Sex and fantasies. What type of fantasies get you hot under the collar? Are you a ménage person, like me? Does the idea of exhibitionism get your furnace fired up? Or maybe it’s roleplay games. You know. The naughty college student caught cheating on the test by teacher. Or the been caught speeding one where you have to talk the big, bad officer out of writing you that ticket so your license doesn’t get suspended. Yeah… there are all sorts of options.

And as for that condom challenge? Yeah…. I’ve promised her Glow-in-the-dark in NEON GREEN, of course! But ya’ll know me. I like to push the envelope. I fully anticipate a sort of Lightsaber theme and “crossed swords.” Anyone have any color recommendations? LOL!

Also, I’ve got to send a huge THANK YOU to my incredible pal, August McLaughlin. She introduced me to the folks at Sexual Wellness News, and they’ve hired me to write the occasional article for them! My first one was just posted at the end of last month and it’s all about How to Rev Up Your Sex Life! Please go over there, check it out, along with the other awesome articles (August is one of their contributors), and share the love!

Hey Ditty Ditty – A Request From Jenny Hansen

My friend, Jenny Hansen, posted an Undie Chronicle on More Cowbell yesterday regarding Panty-O and kegel panties. Yes. They DO exist.

pantyo-vertAs usually happens on Jenny’s blogs, funny, quirky conversation ensued… Of course I participated. Here’s what I said and Jenny’s response. :

Kitt Crescendo says:

So how strange is it that these kegel panties had me thinking Night Court and Dan Fielding? This sort of thing seemed right up his alley. LOL!

As there are people that walk around with plugs in even more delicate places down south, I’m pretty sure you’d be able to survive the Panty-O fitness regime if you chose to create one for you. I’m also positive that there are a bunch of us on here who would be happy to create little reminder ditties for you…;-)

  • ROFLMAO!!! Do create a reminder ditty. Please, please do.

    I’m a little frightened by this Night Court analogy, but I guess, it’s better Dan than the bailiff…

So of course, when she challenged me to write a ditty, I couldn’t resist. Here are a couple songs I made to encourage Jenny to put on these panties.

The first one goes to the tune of Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, I’ve included the original.

Itsy Bitsy Plastic Thingie

She was afraid to come out of the bathroom,
She was as nervous as she could be.
She was afraid to come out of the bathroom
She was afraid of the work out panty.

1 – 2- 3- 4
Tell the people what she wore!

It was an itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
She had to squeeze
As she went through her day.
An itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
So in the bathroom
She wanted to stay.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4
Stick around, we’ll tell you more!

She was afraid it would feel very awkward,
So she almost put it in a drawer.
She was afraid it would feel very awkward
But she wore them and went for the door.

1 – 2 – 3 -4
Tell the people what she wore!

It was an itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
She had to squeeze
As she went through her day.
An itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
Her lady bits
Would get stronger each day.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4
Stick around we’ll tell you more!

Now she’s afraid to be seen out in public
And I wonder what she’s gonna do.
She’s afraid to be seen out in public
But maybe others are wearing them, too.

1 – 2 – 3 – 4
Tell the people what she wore!

It was an itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
She had to squeeze
As she went through her day
An itsy bitsy plastic thingie
Tucked inside her brief bikini
I cheered her on
With a hip hip hooray!

From the bathroom to the drawer,
From the drawer to the door,
From the door to out in public
And now her girl bits are sore.

But wait! I’m not done! Just in case she didn’t like this one, I created another one….to the tune of  YMCA… and since Natalie was so kind as to point out to Jenny that she’d already “gone there” with a post, I thought it only right I include her in the song, too. 😉

Now everyone’s familiar with this song, but it’s fun, so I’m posting it anyway….

Kegels Each Day

Jenny,
Don’t let your girl parts down.
I said Jenny,
Uterus off the ground.
I said Jenny,
There are panties around
That can help you fix this problem.
Jenny,
There’s a place you can go
I said Jenny,
If you’ve got enough dough.
You can buy them
And I’m sure you will find
Use them
They’ll be worth ev’ry dime.

Chorus:
It’s always fun to do
Kegels each day.
It’s always fun to do
Kegels each day.
They will strengthen your “P”
You might even enjoy
The side benefits with your boy.
It’s always fun to do
Kegels each day.
It’s always fun to do
Kegels each day.
You can squeeze yourself strong
While you’re having a meal.
You can squeeze whenever you feel.

Jenny,
Are you list’ning to me?
I said Jenny,
What do you want to see?
I said Jenny,
You can buy some with bling
But you’ve go to wear this one thing.
Jenny,
You’re not all by yourself
I said Jenny,
Nat’s got some on her shelf
So just order
From the Panty-O Store
I’m sure they would love to help more.

Back up to Chorus

Jenny,
This is better than shoes
I said, don’t be
Down and out with the blues.
You can fix this,
Bring your girl parts to life
Wear them when you go for a drive.
That’s how
You will start to believe
I said Jenny,
You will no longer grieve
You’ll be thankful
You found something to do
Made your lady bits feel brand new.

Back up to Chorus

So now you’ve seen my little ditties. But I know you guys… You’re all a ton of fun and a bit quirky. I want to see what kind of ditties you come up with! Time to put those creative minds to action and join in the fun and silliness… Don’t leave me hangin’ guys! 😉

Rough and Ready For A Laugh…

 

 

Here’s the deal… My 40th is coming up, so my family is holding a bash in my honor…at MY house. This means a lot of work and preparation. Mom’s contribution includes working on fixing up the garden. So, from about 2 till 7, we spent our time in the garden. Did I mention that it started pouring down buckets of rain? Or that I slipped and fell…landing on my ass, damaging my pride and scratching up my forearm?

My scraped up forearm

My scraped up forearm

I like to laugh after a challenging day…

So….

I thought I’d share with you some blog posts by really cool people who’ve made me laugh…

I can’t think laughter and not think of Natalie Hartford. In fact, with my background in retail electronics sales, she slayed me with her Urban Word Wednesday: Macturbate post. Seriously….if you have ever been around a Mac loyalist, this will have you peeing your pants.

Next comes my girl Katie from Sass & Balderdash. Women especially will appreciate her concerns about VPL: Women’s Silent Killer. This is a serious epidemic that needs to be corrected immediately!

Of course, this gives me the perfect opportunity to laugh with Gloria Richard in her post Improv, Boogers, Wedgies, And Pimping Nigel Blackwell. If you’ve ever wondered what kind of craziness you can expect from “the wild children” at Conferences…this will get your mind going in the right direction.

With that, it only makes sense to introduce you to my friend Robert and his blog Seasons Of Insanity where he teaches you the finer points of How To Be A Pervert 101.

I was torn between 2 posts to introduce you to Jenny Hansen…and finally decided, why not put up both? For those of you who’ve wondered P Is For Panties (and what it says about your politics), this is quite “educational. And for those of you who are die hard Craig’s List peeps, Missed Connections: Which Of These Trainwrecks Needs The Most Dating Advice may be up your alley.

I can’t think humor and not include my favorite Modern Day Philosopher, Austin. After in depth research on Jack and Jill of nursery rhyme fame, he finally manages to get an exclusive expose called Jack And Jill Finally Come Clean About The Hill Incident. I’d mention his Survivor: Maine post, but I’m pretty sure the whole world has now heard about THAT one.

While I’m at it, I thought I’d throw in one of my funnier guest posts done for Seasons Of Insanity…. With all the blogging awards out there, I figured I’d throw my idea into the mix with Launching A New Award For The Holidays. I’m kind of proud of that one…LOL!

Finally, I thought I’d share with you the reward I got for all the hard work in the rain… The rainbow that appeared over my house.

Rainbow Over My House

Rainbow Over My House

What about you guys? What do you guys do after a trying day? What posts have made you laugh and why? Share them with us… It’s always such fun to discover new and interesting bloggers.

Last Gifts And New Beginnings

My wonderful friends, Len Williams Carver from My Own Heart Me, and Sheri DeGrom honored me by nominating me for Blog Of The Year 2012, giving me my sixth star! Both these women are so admirable in the way they lead their lives. Their ultimate focus is to walk in faith and to be a shining light on the world around them. They both succeed with grace and beauty.

Blog of the Year Award 6 star jpeg

Here are the rules for Blog Of The Year 2012 (Thankfully, they’re simple):

  1. Select another blog or other blogs who deserve the ‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award;
  2. Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you have chosen – there’s no minimum or maximum number of blogs required – and ‘present’ them with their award;
  3. Include a link back to this page Blog of the Year 2012’ Award at the Thought Palette and provide these ‘rules’ in your post (please don’t alter the rules or the badges!)
  4. Let the blog(s) you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the ‘rules’ with them
  5. You can now also join our Facebook group – click ‘like’ on this page ‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award Facebook group and then you can share your blog with an even wider audience
  6. As a winner of the award – please add a link back to the blog that presented you with the award – and then proudly display the award on your blog and sidebar … and start collecting stars…

I’d like to thank them very much for gifting me with this honor and recommend you check out their blogs if you haven’t already! Now I’d like to share this final award of the year with some really wonderful people who have made me laugh, inspired me and just made me feel like a welcome new addition to the blogging community since I started back in August.

Jenny Hansen- Her blog, More Cowbell, is chock full of hilarity, advice (especially for writers) and genuine feel good stuff. Between her and Natalie Hartford (she was nominated on one of the earlier stars) they keep me laughing and my spirits up. Don’t believe me? Click the link to her blog…she finds the most UNIQUE things to talk about…;-)

Tameri Etherton– You think you’ve had crazy things happen to you? Her spa moment got me following her blog…her outlook on life and the way she promotes books kept me entranced. (By the way, her spa post came on the anniversary of my brother’s death…her pain was one of the things that helped me get through the day…Sorry, Tameri, for laughing at your pain. But thanks for lightening my day.)

Leanne Shirtliff-Her blog, Ironic Mom, has been around for a while, but I haven’t. The post I’m featuring is as funny for the content as the comments…all of which had me rolling! She’s exactly what her blog claims to be…a mom who finds humor in the most interesting places…then is kind enough to share it with her readers! If you hadn’t discovered her before…you don’t know what you’re missing!

Blowing Off Steam And More-She talks about her child as well as cooking successes and failures! There is nothing better than someone who can laugh with you during the craziness life has to offer.

How To Date In Las Vegas– She is fun, she’s wacky…and she’s brutally honest.  Love it! And ladies…she makes some very valid points about our ability to become the psycho chick every man is terrified of dating… She’s new to the blogging world, but I think once people read her stuff, she’ll have quite the following.

As we close out the year, I’d also like to remind everyone…enjoy the time with your loved ones…Make sure to plan to make time for them in the New Year. They truly are the most important part of your life…the thing that makes it worthwhile!