The Difference Between Alphas and Alpha-holes


The outcry seems to be everywhere I look these days. Take a look at Facebook or Twitter. There are a ton of posts with ripped abs and chiseled bodies or links to hot, sexy books. I, for one, enjoy them immensely….but….

Pictures of hot, sexy, sweaty mean in uniform or tattoos or cowboy hats and boot have very little to do with what being an “Alpha” really means. First, despite all those pictures, the “alpha” is not quite as common as we’d like to think…and ladies, there’s a chance it’s partially thanks to our mixed messages. But there’s more to it than that.

I suspect that both men and women are a bit confused about what it means to be “alpha”. Don’t believe me? Google the word alpha male and see what comes up. I even saw a book that talked about “catching and training an alpha male”. That one kind of pissed me off. Of course me and my big mouth are going to sound off because I can’t stress this point enough…. Ladies, if you go into a relationship for the express purpose of changing aka “training” a man, don’t bother. He’s not the right guy!!!! He deserves better and so do you.

But back to my point. It was actually one of you who brought this topic up in the comments of one of my prior posts. When “alpha” is mentioned, it seems to go hand in hand with words like testosterone, domineering, power, bossy and a zillion other descriptions. Some of these can be double edged swords, but many of them are not complimentary at all.

I get it, of course. When we fantasize, we don’t picture someone with a “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse voice” saying things like “suck my cock”. We want a strong, gruff voice. We don’t picture some soft handed metrosexual type as the one to pull our hair and spank our bottoms while driving into us doggie style. We picture Beastmaster or Thor! When we fantasize of being ordered to do a strip tease, we’d rather picture a sexy, elegantly suited man, like the voice in “True Lies” or someone physically powerful…not some weasel with no backbone.

The problem is, somewhere along the way everything’s gotten a little muddy. Beware the “alpha” who needs to scream his alpha-hood from the mountaintops so to speak. If their way of showing domination includes putting you down, disrespect, bullying and even violent aggression…run. Run far, run fast. That’s not an Alpha. That’s a guy on a power trip with an ego problem.

Real alphas feel no need to prove how “alpha” they are. It’s just another facet of their personality. Their sense of control is innate and begins with themselves. What they realize that the alpha-holes don’t is that behaving like an ass-hat has absolutely nothing to do with how manly they are. In fact, the alphas I know tend to be very courteous, intelligent, observant and kind.

In the bedroom, their pleasure comes with their ability to give you your fantasies (which often includes you giving up your control…a sign of trust in them). Before you play bedroom games that involve any sort of bondage or sensory deprivation (blindfolds, and more) make sure you know and trust your partner. These situations are the kind alpha-holes look forward to because you’re in no position to fight back or defend yourself. Trust your internal warning bells. If anything inside you hesitates, listen. It means you don’t trust the person you’re with enough to put yourself in their hands. If he’s a true alpha, he’ll understand and appreciate that you’re not quite ready to take that step and it will be a target you can work toward…together. If he makes you feel bad, you made the right call.

Outside the bedroom, their interest is in giving you what you need and accepting you as you are. The “strong” behavior we love so much is underlying in everything they do, but comes roaring to life when they witness things like cruelty, injustice or danger. Well, maybe it comes out when playing or watching sports, too….but I’m just as guilty as them, so I cast no stones.


So tell me…am I wrong? Out of line? What would you add about alphas v. alpha-holes that I might have missed? Share, share!