My Battle With The Foot In Mouth Disease

My fantastically funny friend, Gloria Richard wrote a post yesterday entitled Ever Lost Your Brain’s Remote Control. After recounting several of her hilarious mishaps over the years, she challenged us to share some of our moments. As I sat thinking about the many idiot moments I’d had over the years I figured I’d share some of my own. Hey, turnabout is fair play, especially since I shared some of my friends’ more awkward moments in the past.

openmouth_insertfoot

Those of us who tend to say what we think know that there is a hazard that goes with being blunt. For example, there was a young lady that I used to work with at a popular electronic retailer store. I was new, and she and I were pretty friendly. The weather had taken on a cooler edge recently, so when I walked in, I was wearing my black leather biker jacket.

black biker jacket

It was a men’s jacket and I loved it…still do, actually. I was the first “real” gift hubby ever gave to me. Anyway, back to the story. As I came walking down this young lady’s department, she came over to say hi and the following conversation ensued.

Her (with a big grin and a nudge) : Hey there, Biker Bitch!
Me (with a grin and a wink) : Better watch your step or I’m going to make you my bitch.
Her (eye contact, not laughing) : Any time.
Me (blinking) : Um, yeah….

Oops! Yeah, I’d heard the rumors about her being either lesbian or bisexual, I just didn’t care. It just never occurred to me that a simple off the cuff response could create such an interesting ripple. Well, it confirmed the rumor if nothing else…LOL! Oddly enough, that moment helped to cement our friendship.

Unfortunately my talent for the awkward started much earlier. It’s the hazard of being a person whose mouth rarely stops moving. Sometimes we can be deliberately hurtful and regret it later. My “lesson learned” moment actually became my college application essay. Here’s the short version.

While we lived in the Philippines we had some live in help. A maid and a nanny. Hey, the dollar stretches quite well in third world countries. Anyway, as my mom is also Filipina, our servants were more like family and were treated as such. I was about 7 years old when my mouth got me into trouble.

Nanny (looking around at toys strewn all over the floor): Kitt!
Me (fake innocent look): What?
Nanny (pointing at all the toys): Put away all your toys or you’re not playing outside.
Me (irritated): Pfft! Your the maid. Isn’t that what we pay you for?
From somewhere behind me….
Mom (snarling): Kitt. What. Did. You. Just. Say?

Yeah…mom had walked up behind me and heard the whole thing. She was NOT happy. I got my butt whipped, had to clean up my toy AND I got grounded for the day. No bueno.

My sophomore year in high school there was a 4 day choral music festival held at a one of the private universities in Michigan, culminating in a concert on Saturday afternoon with the University Orchestra. The private high schools tied to this particular religion from the surrounding 5 states sent the top 2 singers from each section (Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Bass) to go to this event. It was a privilege to be chosen, and I was one of the 2 sopranos chosen to represent my school. We were put up in the women’s dorm and spent most of the time rehearsing songs in German (Haydn) and Latin with a couple of English ones thrown in for good measure.

As you can imagine, after a while we became restless. Several of us congregated in one of the dorm rooms early that Saturday afternoon waiting for the concert. Keep in mind, most of us were little suburban kids. I, being half Asian, was the closest we had to an ethnic mix in that room. To this day I’m not exactly sure how it started…all I remember was thinking I was going to die.

What had I done? I sang Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love Of All”. And not in my normal voice. NOOOO. I was singing it at the top of my lungs, over enunciating each word with theatrical dramatics.

“I Buhleeve that children are hour fyuchaaaa.
Teech them well ahnd let them lead the waaaayyyy.
Show them ahl the beauty they possess insiiiiide.
Give. Them. A Sense of pride.
To make it easiahhhh!”

The girls were all in a fit of giggles as I belted it out….and then came the knock on the door. My singing stopped. We all looked at each other, eyes huge and praying… Why? Because late that night an all black university from Canada had come down for an event the following week and were staying in the rooms across the hall from us.

Of course, with my luck…it WAS, in fact, several of the very nice ladies from that university. Here’s what happened:

My traitorous friend: Uh, hello?
Nice lady: Hi girls, we heard someone singing from down the hall. Who WAS that?
(Yup! You guessed it. All hands pointed at me as I slowly turned around to face the women in the doorway.)
Me: Sorry about that.
Nice lady: Why are you sorry? We thought you sounded GREAT!!!!
Me (blinking while my friends all tried to hide their laughter): Um… Thank you?

And just like that, they were gone… Thankfully they hadn’t realized I was poking fun at the way a lot of divas overdramatize song lyrics. As my friends cracked up, I was mortified. Seriously. What if I’d really offended them? Sooo not my intent.

Then there was the time I met the Pittsburgh Steelers Pro Football Hall Of Fame quarterback, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry_Bradshaw

Okay…so I’m unapologetically an Dallas Cowboys fan, but still. I love football and I respect the game. That’s one of the reasons that every time I think of this moment I want to hide somewhere. Why? Because my usual eloquence eluded me that day in a big, BIG way…making me sound like a total airheaded bimbo (something I hate).

So the back story? Mr Bradshaw’s brother has a home in the Sarasota area. He’d come to town for a visit only to realize he’d left his camera bag back at home in his foyer. What did he do when he discovered this error? Why, what every wealthy man does, of course. He showed up to the local electronics store with his dad at opening (when it’s least crowded) and replaced everything he’d left behind.

The guys in the store were dying to talk to him and ask for his autograph, but figured it would be easier to break that ice if they sent a female in. As I qualified and was the only woman knowledgeable enough about football and his HOF career, they asked me to go over and talked to him. I didn’t want to disrespect his privacy so I declined being used in this manner. Fortunately for them, he noticed several guys hovering and welcomed them over to get his autograph and offered the opportunity to any employee in the store who wanted it.

Once he gave permission, the guys let me know and I walked over to get his autograph before I left. Here’s how THAT went down.

Me (in a timid voice that was so unlike me the guys all blinked): Excuse me Mr Bradshaw. Would you mind if I asked you for your autograph?
TB (with a gentle smile): Sure thing, Sweetheart. Do you have anything for me to sign?
Me (holding up small brochure form): This?
TB: Why don’t we find something a bit bigger?
(Grabs a manual receipt form)
Me (while he’s signing): Thank you so much! (And then I made my big faux pas that made me want to commit seppuku) I just want to say, I really LOVE watching you and Howie (Long) on Sundays.
TB (Showing class all the way, put an arm around me): Aw, thank you sweetheart. We need more fans like you.
long-bradshawx-large

 

Why was that so mortifying? Because I was well aware of his Hall of Fame career and his 4 Superbowl rings…and what did I mention? His Fox Sports thing? OMG! Yes, that is my head you hear banging on my desk. Never mind that this incident happened nearly 10 years ago. I’m still mortified…. But I also still have this awesome autograph.

Terry Bradshaw Autograph

My Terry Bradshaw Autograph

Okay, enough of my verbal face plants…. What about you guys? Care to share some of your more awkward moments? If not, I’m open to you sharing the awkward moments of friends and family. And just so no one can question my Cowboy Fandom….Here’s a pic of me at one of them many Cowboy events I’ve been to… Hanging out with some Cowboy Legends

Tailgate in Big D with Hubby, Bill Bates, Me, Everson Walls & Kenny Gant

Tailgate in Big D with Hubby, Bill Bates, Me, Everson Walls & Kenny Gant

And here’s another one of me with my girls at a game at Cowboy Stadium.

At The Game

At The Game

 

 

 

It’s An Honor Just To Be Nominated….Thanks, Ella!

Hey Ya’ll! Back in December the wonderful Ella Medler awarded me with the Liebster Award. I promised her that when things slowed down and I had a moment (and got through the Blog Of The Year awards) I would accept the award and answer her questions.

liebster-award

Well, things have finally eased up…and being a woman of my word, I have finally had time to go back and participate. So here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you.

2. Post eleven random facts about yourself.

3. You answer the eleven questions asked by the person who nominated you.

4. You think of a new set of eleven questions and nominate eleven others to answer them.

Thank you again, Ella, for thinking of me…It is my absolute honor to accept your nomination!

So…without further ado, here are 11 random facts about yours truly:

1. My parents told me that I used to speak German pretty fluently back when we lived there…and that I was my father’s translator when he needed to speak to the landlord. (I’ve since lost all but the most common words)

2. I hate running, yet I’ve allowed my friend and editor to talk me into doing Disney’s Food and Wine half marathon run in the future, so I’m training & doing my first 5K in February.

3. It took me 3 months to become fluent in Tagalog & 6 months to be fluent in Kapangpangan…a local dialect in the Philippines.

4. The first time I became tongue tied in front of a celebrity was when I met Terry Bradshaw. I’m still kicking myself because I had to have come off as the biggest “girlie girl”. Although I know about his Hall Of Fame Career with the Pittsburgh Steelers…what did I say to him? “I really LOVE watching you and Howie on TV.” He was classy about it…didn’t even laugh. In fact, he put his arm around me and thanked me, saying he wished they had more fans like me.

5. You know all those videos people watch of other people falling or tripping or other such things…and laughing? I could have probably starred in a couple of them. Yes, although I can be graceful…when I fall…It’s always in a BIG way…and more often than not, with an audience.

6. I got a chance to play with dolphins this last year.  It was a blast!

Kissing Dolphin

7. I have a soft spot for accents…3 in particular…Australian, Southern and Hispanic…(something about endearments spoken in Spanish or with a southern drawl that makes me go all melty inside… and Aussies can make anything sound hot!)

8. I have 2 Shiba Inu dogs…My mom thinks the reason they’re so smart is because they’re Asian…LOL! (Not just a little ethnocentric, right?)

Doggies

9. I have actually been “motor boated” by a drag queen…it was my bachelorette party.

10. I would rather get muddy playing tackle football than going to a spa for a mud bath.

11. I’m a HUGE Dallas Cowboy fan…and I HAVE met a whole bunch of their players…past and present. Most famous one I’ve shaken hands with? #22-Emmitt Smith at his Hall Of Fame induction celebration.

Me with Jay Novacek

Me with Jay Novacek

 

Ella’s 11 Questions:

1. What did you last have for dinner?

Don’t remember what I had last night, but hubby is currently making filet mignon with a portabella/wine topping, cheesy tomato tartlet & a cheesy broccoli bake (yes…he loves cheese) for dinner tonight as I’m typing this.

2. If money were no object, would you fly to the moon?

Hmmm… I might, just to say I’ve done it…though I don’t really have a huge desire to go there. (It seems kind of boring, and not sure that no gravity would be all that fun)

3. What was your bravest act in the last 12 months?

Deciding not to file for unemployment (because that would require looking for a job) and focusing on writing my first book. Following my true passion.

4. I don’t expect you to remember the title or author, but what was the plot of the worst book you ever read?

It was some sort of erotica…one of those no happy ending ones (though I wasn’t aware of it at the time). What was the plot? There really WASN’T one…just fighting, sex and death. Waste of my time.

5. What is the sport you wish you mastered to perfection?

There really isn’t one… I love all sorts of sports, but if I mastered any of them to perfection, I think I might lose interest. I enjoy learning and growing constantly.

6. Where would you go to spend your last day on Earth?

For me, it wouldn’t be a where so much as with whom…and the answer would be…with my loved ones. (Hubby, dogs, family)

7. What is the most romantic gesture you ever came up with for your loved one?

It’s a toss up between writing a poem for my love or singing to him…

8. If possible, in what century would you rather have lived? Or is this one just fine for you?

Although I’m perfectly happy in the century I’m in, I’d have loved to have been around (maybe as a lady in waiting) with Eleanor of Aquitaine during Henry II’s reign or back in Ancient Greece or Rome… I also think it might have been cool to be around for Alexander the Great…or follow Jesus around. (I LOVE History!)

9. If you had the chance, what new genre would you like to introduce? Describe it, please.

I don’t know that there would be a new genre I’d introduce… I rather like the ones we have right now.

10. What gadget couldn’t you live without and why?

Phone-I enjoy interaction…I talk, I email, I social network…getting rid of it would be like cutting off a limb.

11. What is the most infuriating thing about today’s world, in your view?

How hateful and cruel people can be to one another…without even thinking or considering or caring.

My 11 Questions for my nominees:

1. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?

2. What did you want to be when you grew up?

3. If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?

4. What one movie can you watch over and over again and never get sick of?

5. What talent do you wish you had and why?

6. If you had to pick one famous person of the same sex to have a man or girl crush on, who would it be and why?

7. When you think of historical figures, who do you most admire and why?

8. If you could be a professional athlete, what would be the sport you’d like to be a pro at?

9. What was the coolest thing you have ever done for someone else?

10. What are you most afraid of and why?

11. What do you consider your greatest accomplishment to date and why?

And my nominees are:

Phil– Funny, a bit sarcastic…and pretty cool…for a New Yorker. He’s a new friend with a passion for Speakeasies, watching living, breathing train wrecks and fitness.

Susie– She’s a woman who grabs life by the horns and dances…whether people are watching or not. Even Thor loves this woman!

Austin– My favorite Modern Day Philosopher who has quite the knack for putting a whimsical twist on current events while still making you think. (but isn’t that what Philosophy is all about?)

Rob– He’s blunt, a bit warped (he’s even got a “fan chick stalker diary” and “zombie diary” going on), funny…and very few things are out of bounds with him. It may also explain why he actually had to post a clarification blog for his new followers! He’s also featured a bunch of guest bloggers (including yours truly).

Loni– A wonderful, supportive new friend and author. She always finds time to stop by and give a kind word. Things like that mean so much.

Wordsurfer– A sweet lady who is a lot more courageous than she gives herself credit for. She’s always got a keen observation or a thoughtful comment. I’ve been enjoying getting to know her.

Jen– An empty nester who thinks she’s a “beginner” at poetry…but so far from that. She’s fun, and thoughtful…and full of insight. (Plus, she’s got that awesome Aussie thing going on for her…I’m jealous of her accent and I haven’t even heard her speak.)

CrazyTrainToTinkyTown– Yes, she really is a bit crazy…but in the best possible way! She makes me laugh. Her comments are quirky and full of fun, just like her!

LJ– A wonderfully talented writer friend who has this work in progress that has me completely intrigued. She’s a riot and my sister of the dirty mind. She’s also amazing in the way she supports her friends.

Ray– A new friend I met through Susie, he’s honest and insightful. In a very short time I’ve come to appreciate his reflective nature and his willingness to share.

Jessi– She just released a new book about a sexy Scottish Highlander…Yum! She’s a fun friend who is entertained by the fact that I’m a bit off the wall and you never know exactly what to expect when you stop by and visit me. She also understands that a love of erotic romance (both reading and writing) does not negate my love of God or my faith.

Seriously…you guys need to check these folks out…and if you’re not following them yet, why the heck not? Can’t wait to see what kind of answers they’ll have for my questions.  Hope you guys are entertained by the random facts about me and my answers to the awesome Ella’s questions…

But in the meantime…What does Liebster even mean? Anyone know?