Getting Vocal on Oral Safety

Even as children we’re taught (hopefully) about the importance of practicing safe sex. The discussion can manifest itself in various ways depending on a family’s personal or religious beliefs, and that’s up to them. But the thing they usually have in common is discussing the medical results of unsafe sex.

As someone who grew up in hospitals and with family members and lots of friends in the medical industry (plus having worked in the medically related field in multiple roles over the years), knowing just how dangerous bodily fluid exchanges can be is hammered into your brain. As an office manager in a doctor’s office, it was my responsibility to make sure our staff had all the proper supplies to ensure their safety and to have a course of action prepared should our safety protocols fail because accidents can still happen.

By now you’re thinking, “Okay Kitt, we get it. Safe sex is important to you. But why are you sharing all this stuff with us?”

Good question. (And not just because I’m a big fan of Safe, Sane, and Consensual)

I was in a book group the other day when this question was brought up…

“Have you ever had someone cum on your face? If so, was it accidental or on purpose?”

The person asking had never had the experience and was curious. I was honest. I’ve only experienced it deliberately. Not only is it rude and exhibiting a lack of control for an “accidental” face mask, but it could also potentially be dangerous.

Then came the follow up question….

“If it was done without your permission, would you be pissed off?”

Hell yeah, I’d be pissed off! As stated above, there are all sorts of dangers that haven’t been discussed. If I’m going to let a man leave me an all natural, organic face mask, I’m going to want to know that the product isn’t tainted or substandard.

Right?

So imagine my surprise when someone came at me about my concerns being unrealistic. Why? Because apparently there are people out there who believe that the only way to have oral sex is unprotected. So since I already (in this person’s mind) had his uncovered cock stroking my tonsils, what’s the big difference as to whether or not I get his jizz all over my face.

First, there are plenty of people out there who know that it is absolutely possible to give head to raincoat covered cock. No, latex isn’t the tastiest, but it’s safe.

Second, even if I were to decide to have raincoat-less oral, sperm comes out fast and hot. If you’re going to potentially blind a woman, she has the right to make the choice to take the risk. 😉

Third, the eyes are a very vulnerable when it comes to exposure to bodily fluids. The eye is a mucous membrane, hence it’s susceptible to quite a bit…so semen, golden showers, or any other exchange of bodily fluids near that area are not to be taken lightly.

Fourth, consent should always be an active part of sex. Any sex. Yes, that includes oral (and how it’s done). You wouldn’t just pee on someone without discussing golden showers first, would you? (And if your answer is yes, know it’s a great way to get your teeth knocked in.)

Just sayin’.

Safe sex is still a thing. And important. And being concerned about it doesn’t make you uncool. Any partner worth their salt should be having this discussion with you.

So yeah, I was a little surprised that my statement was seen as contradictory, but hey… Maybe I was overreacting.

What are your thoughts on this subject?

Are there any subjects in the “safe sex” universe that have boggled your mind? Maybe made you feel old? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Nothing Limiting About Setting Limits

Ever feel like the blog gods are trying to tell you something? The last couple of days have felt that way to me. It started innocuously enough… With a pic from a dirty minded friend to my FB page. The pic?

I admit it. I laughed! A lot!

I admit it. I laughed! A lot!

I know, you’re now wondering exactly what message the blog gods were sending, aren’t you? No, this isn’t a lesson on anal admiration, though I’d be happy to write one if ya’ll have a real interest in it…or if that bee flies into my bonnet one random day. If you’re wondering what the heck a rim job is, email me privately or message me on FB or Twitter. We’ll take that one offline, but I’m happy to explain. I hate leaving someone with more questions than answers. It’s practically my civic duty to educate and enlighten my blog buddies on sex manners, dontcha know… 😉

My next sign happened in my gal pal, Sandra Bunino’s FB book group. The initial question was simple… “Genre-wise, what’s your go to?” My answer wasn’t shocking to anyone who has read my book or hung out on this blog. I said that I liked erotic romances, and lately my preferences have been toward the ménage and elements of BDSM. But, as it tends to happen when I’m involved, it didn’t stop there. There was a follow up question.

“How hardcore do you like your BDSM (to read)?”

The question was then qualified further by asking if my leanings were toward D/s stories (Dominant/submissive for those of you who don’t know the jargon) or the S & M side (Sadism & Masochism). Somehow, in my mind, this translated to limits. Yes, I’ve done a post discussing different kinks and that they’re different from one person to the next. Limits are different.

So, we’re back to the above picture… I have a close friend who read my manuscript for my second book when it was in it’s rougher stages. There was an anal scene in which part of the preparation for one of the characters included a rim job (Okay, so maybe if you didn’t know what it meant before, you may be starting to get the picture and won’t need to contact me…hehe!). This particular friend was a bit squicked out. It wasn’t her cup ‘o’ tea. It was not sexy in her mind. In fact, she found it pretty gross and unsanitary (although I’d argue that nothing about sex is sanitary). I can also say with a fair amount of certainty that she’s also never experienced it. For HER, that’s a limit.

That’s not a limit at all for me, but I respect it. I also understood pretty quickly that she’s more mainstream when it comes to what she enjoys reading. It made me realize from a writing perspective that I had to consider that a scene like that may alienate a certain type of reader and I’d have to be okay with that. It also reminded me from a personal/sexual perspective, everyone has limits. They deserve to be respected.

On to the discussion in the book group… My limits come from my background in the medically related field. I’m not into any sort of fluid play. No golden showers. No scat. No blood play. To me, those are too dangerous. Due to some personal histories, I’m also aware that breath play and capture/rape scenarios are more than likely going to be triggers for me. By trigger I mean I can’t be a part of this sort of scene. Not as the perpetrator. Certainly not as a recipient. In fact, it’s probably safe for all involved if I step away from even viewing these scenes. Although these are all hard limits for me, they are hard limits for different reasons.

Why am I telling you guys this? Because it’s important to understand that when you choose to explore the various pleasures the world has to offer with your partner, there need to be safety precautions or boundaries, if you will. The most important thing, no matter what aspect of the spectrum you decide to explore, is that you and your partner need to communicate openly and honestly. You need to know and respect each other’s boundaries. This is often considered “negotiating a scene.”

There are some things you’re going to know immediately that you never want to try. For some people that can be anything that involves pain. Some people translate pain differently and may need the pain to enhance their pleasure. If it’s pretty strong on the pain threshold, they’re more than likely masochists. One who gains sexual enjoyment from supplying that need to them? They’re sadists. Keep in mind, most sadists and masochists are not the “sick puppies” portrayed in crime drama tv.

Also, just because someone likes erotic spanking or exploring with impact toys like floggers, whips, paddles, etc. doesn’t mean they fall into the S & M side of BDSM. There are always levels. Again, communication becomes key. Why? Because maybe you’ve shown that you enjoy spanking, but are iffy about impact instruments…those might find yourself in the maybe list (aka. I’ll try it once, twice if I like it).

Other people are completely turned off by any kind of physical pain, but prefer to simply hand over their power to their partner (aka power exchange) or maybe bondage is the turn on, or sensory deprivation, or multiple partners, or exhibitionism, or voyeurism…. See what I’m getting at? The options for exploration and discovery are endless….as long as open and honest communication is happening.

The other HUGELY IMPORTANT factor? Before you go exploring, you NEED a safe word. I can’t stress this enough. Why? Because even if you trust each other implicitly, things can go wrong. Like what? Well, say there’s a repressed memory of some sort…some of these kinds of play may trigger that memory and cause a fight or flight response or worse, a panic attack. Your partner might be completely unaware you’re having this reaction, but you can stop the whole thing with one word. Or if you’re both new to play, your partner may not realize you’re hurt (and not in a pleasurable way). You say the word, they know to stop. It’s a safety precaution.

Some of the important things to communicate to your partner before you play in this manner? Any physical injuries that could be a problem, any traumatic childhood events, if you suffer from things like panic attacks or PTSD (and, if you know them, what triggers it), anything that causes a negative visceral reaction. This gives your partner a good idea of what NOT to do to ruin your playful bedroom (well, not literally…it can happen anywhere) experiments. Maybe you need help figuring out what you may find acceptable or not… There are lists that can help open those communication lines (not to mention give you an idea of all the MANY areas open for exploration).

The whole purpose of the exploration is to have fun with your partner while building intimacy. This also means that it’s just as important to communicate the positive experiences before, during, or after play with your partner so that you guys know what’s working and which rabbit hole to dive into further.

So, now it’s question time… Have there been areas you’ve heard/read about that you’ve been dying to try but a bit nervous to tell your partner? Are there terms I used that had you scratching your head and wondering what I’m talking about? Are there scenes you’ve read in a book and had no idea what it meant but were too embarrassed to ask? Anything you’ve read that you’ve found out of bounds? Ya’ll know me. I’m an open book and willing to talk about anything… (Plus, the writer in me is always dying of curiosity.) Spill it!

FYI– anyone who is truly into most alternative lifestyles including BDSM believe in the importance of “Safe, Sane & Consensual”… it’s one of the reasons it’s important to set a safe word and communicate.

3 Years, Leather and 50 Shades

My husband and I have a quirky sense of fun. From prior blogs you know that on our second anniversary (cotton) he bought me a “gag” gift of cotton balls. By the way, I kept those cotton balls. They’re useful. So this year it was my turn to get quirky. How appropriately funny that as I’m delving back into writing (and I have romantic and erotic tendencies in my writing) our 3rd anniversary lands on leather.

First thought that came to my mind? Buy him a leather cock ring. Adjustable, of course. Great gag gift…and who knows…could even be fun! Hey, we’re married and can play that way. Now most of the time if I were looking to buy a toy I may go online or host a pleasure party. Less awkwardness and embarrassment for women this way. But this was a last minute, spur of the moment “gag” gift idea.

So here’s the thing about Florida…and those of you who live here can attest. I have never seen so many strip clubs, adult book stores (aka porn shops) or bail bonds places as I did when I moved here. In Chicago there was a Starbucks on practically every corner. Around here, it’s these kinds of places. In fact, once I moved here I was helping a friend search for a job. It was in Florida that I saw “dead beats need not apply” for the first time in a want ad. (I know, I know. And I’m still here, right?)

Being female, I’ve found it’s less awkward if you bring a male friend with you to an adult book store, so I called up a buddy and he came with me.

The guy working the desk was the typical perv you’d expect to see at one of these establishments. He was large, with a rotund belly, stained shirt, balding and with one of those big hooking piercings through the center portion of his nose. Not exactly someone I’d be asking for sex toy advice from unless I wanted to take 10 showers after. Then again, he fit his environment. The place was dark and seedy looking. Nothing about the place said classy or inviting.

When we walked in he ignored us, allowing us to shop. Their selection in leather products was extremely limited. They did, however, seem to have a large quantity of blow up dolls or body parts that claimed to be replicas of porn stars. No big deal. I was kind of relieved. He didn’t even check for ID.

Not thrilled with my search, I was about to head out when I saw two women walk in. They were giggling together and talking. He stopped to say hello to them. He asked what they were looking for. I was surprised! This was the first sign from him that he knew what customer service was! I almost felt sorry for the women. The one lady admitted that she was buying her friend a toy as a gift for her birthday. He asked if she’d read 50 Shades Of Grey. He then proceeded to tell them that they had a special promo where if you bought all 3 books from the series you got 50% off a paddle.

When they mentioned that it wasn’t what they were looking for and that they’d already read the book he proceeded to get inappropriate. “Come on,” he cajoled, “You know you want to get spanked. It’s every woman’s fantasy! I’ll even help you pick it out.”

Ok, he’d just stepped past the creepy line to obnoxious. That poor young woman was disgusted and embarassed. It was written all over her face. She would never be stopping there again. Fortunately, her friend was much older and put the guy in his place. Irritated, I took this as my cue to leave…before I said something equally offensive to this guy.

As my friend and I started to walk for the door, he finally spoke to us. “Not buying anything today?”

My mouth tightened over what I wanted to say. I opted for a very safe, “Nope.” and continued to head for the door.

“What were you looking for?” he asked, suddenly persistent.

I rolled my eyes at my friend as I pushed the door open, “Nothing you have here.”

It finally occurred to me. He hadn’t spoken to me or anyone else in there initially because we’d come in with guys. The two women came in sans men…that was why he’d harrassed them. Well, on to the next adult shop we went.

This one had a woman working the desk. She greeted us the moment we walked through the door despite the fact that she was on the phone. The place was brighter and less seedy looking. In fact, despite the fact that the windows were blocked out to protect the privacy of the shoppers, it was decorated like a nice little boutique.

Immediately I noticed they had a better leather selection. They several different leather floggers, different crops, leather collars along with the cock rings. One of the little paddles even had naughty carved into it. 😉 This place seemed more fun!

The lady on the phone got off her call as quickly as possible and stepped around the counter. “What can I help you find today?” she asked in a friendly voice.

I explained that it was our leather anniversary and I was trying to find a fun gag gift. She immediately got into the spirit of the search. She thought it was great that we played these games. When I commented about how she had a lot of leather, she said she was actually running low. In fact, she said that due to 50 Shades Of Grey the floggers and paddles were selling like hotcakes. We laughed.

I mentioned that the guy at the store down the street had been trying to peddle the stuff to his last customers and that he’d mentioned some sort of bundle promo.

“Well,” she said, “he probably overbought on the books after he heard about how popular they were and now he can’t get them sold.”

I nodded.

Cocking her head to the side she asked me, “Did you read the books?”

I shrugged. “Nope. By choice. Especially after several of my friends told me about it.”

She raised an eyebrow, curious. “Why not?”

“I have issues with the message the book sends,” I answered. “Don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with BDSM. I love authors like Cherise Sinclair and Joey W Hill. They are very good about getting the Safe, Sane and Consentual vibe across while maintaining a strong story with Alpha males and strong, vibrant females.”

She nodded. “Yeah. When all the hoopla started about 50 Shades I was curious and decided to check them out. I bought 2 copies of each book. One was supposed to be for me. The second was for sale. I took it on vacation with me and read it on my flight. I didn’t like the message either.”

I laughed. “You mean the one where the guy loses control, spanks his girl and …voila! Kink?”

Nodding, she said, “Exactly. And that girl was a wuss! A pushover. They don’t have any concept of what true BDSM is about. And with all these people out there suddenly exploring this stuff I should be happy. Instead I’m concerned. They don’t know what they’re doing. They don’t understand that this could get dangerous. Worse, they don’t know about safe words. It was never mentioned in the book.”

I shuddered. “I knew about the whole girl had only been kissed twice till her experience with Grey. And that she had 5 orgasms during her first time.” You could hear the scoffing disdain in my voice loud and clear. “And that he managed to give her those orgasms with no oral sex.” Yeah…we both snickered at that one. “But I hadn’t realized that safe words were never even discussed. I did know about the losing control bit. I wasn’t ok with that, either. A Dom MUST be in control. How else can he take care of you?”

She nodded. “Exactly. I own 3 adult shops. I’ve participated in some of the BDSM shows and events up in Tampa. Believe me. It’s not a game. It’s hot as hell…the real deal, but done incorrectly it can be downright scary. I keep encouraging these 50 Shades experimenters to try their hand at light bondage and blindfolding first before they go for the paddles and whips. Especially since they usually get the cheap stuff. It’s safer. And this way they can figure out what they like with minimal danger.”

The funny thing was, she’d already grabbed the adjustable cock ring I’d been looking at and walked me to the counter while we had this discussion. She was a fantastic sales person. I really liked her. She wasn’t in it strictly for the bottom line. She cared about her customers and her safety. I knew I’d be recommending friends to visit her store….especially my female ones.

And then, as only an aspiring writer can, I networked…LOL! I explained to her that I was working on writing, and someday down the line I may need her expertise. I asked if she’d mind if I stopped in and picked her brain sometime. She laughed and welcomed me with open arms. She’s usually in that particular store on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. So now, if I have questions on sex toys, BDSM or other areas, I have a fun source of info!

Oh, the things I do to hone my knowledge of this craft… Such a hardship! LOL!