Who has ever heard or said some derivative of one or both of these statements?
“He has intimacy issues.”
or
“It’s his responsibility to make sure you cum first.”
I’m guilty. I remember finding out from a friend at a pleasure party I hosted that she’d never achieved orgasm and me (and every other woman in the room) blamed her boyfriend. It was a reflexive reaction, probably partially programmed through years of hearing how when something goes wrong it must be the man’s fault/responsibility.
Lately, though, I’ve started looking at things differently. Men aren’t the only ones with intimacy issues. In fact, many women have major physical intimacy issues with themselves. I wish I could say it’s uncommon to hear how women are uncomfortable with their own bodies or that discomfort at masturbation is still a thing. But it’s not. In fact, I’ve discovered that it’s much more likely for me to talk to people with hang ups about this subject.
Why is that? As my buddy, August McLaughlin, points out in one of her GirlBoner posts, Orgasms are good for us! I’m going to take things a step forward and say that self induced orgasms are important for both your confidence and your love life.
Remember the old adage, “how can you expect someone else to love you if you can’t love yourself?” There’s truth to that. Not because other people can’t love you, but because if you don’t love yourself, often you don’t recognize when someone else does. Well, why are our bodies any different? If we don’t know how to rev our own engine, is it really fair to blame the partner who has difficulty deciphering our physical codes? Sure, there will be times when someone who really knows his/her way around the human body may make yours sing in ways you’ve never experienced before, but that’s not the norm.
Building and maintaining physical heat takes communication… Sharing what gets you hot (or not). If you don’t know where to start on your own body, it’s total guess work for your partner. And if you’re one of those people who “fakes it” because you don’t want to disappoint, you’ll probably never know the wonders that your body is capable of providing for you. The endorphin rush is amazing. Addictive, even.
But seriously. The best way to ensure sexual satisfaction? Start with yourself. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of sensual exploration. In fact, here are a few suggestions to aid in your self discovery.
My newest favorite
Lubricant– ladies, lube isn’t just a thing for men, and they’re not all created equal. We’re not always wet when we begin a self pleasuring session, and this can be an incredible help. This particular one, made by Aloe Cadabra, is made with 95% Organic Aloe and is 100% awesome! The one pictured in my hand is the peppermint flavor that gives you that wonderful tingly sensation while you’re playing south of the border. It also doesn’t leave you feeling greasy or sticky or slimy when you’re done. It’s even got healing properties…. Who knew?
Pleasure paraphenalia
Toys– There’s this myth that says growing up means we outgrow playing with toys. I beg to differ. The type of toys we play with simply changes. When I began to explore these bedroom enhancers, I found some very interesting devices, but found I had a sensitivity to some of the materials used (jelly, specifically) to create these passion playthings. That’s when I remembered hearing about glass toys. They can be warmed and cooled, allowing me to pick my pleasure without the after-effects of vaginal irritation and/or discomfort. Nowadays, it’s amazing how many options there are, so it’s just a matter of finding what works for you. Me? I enjoy shopping at adult shops or hosting pleasure parties (though others may prefer the privacy shopping online affords them). In fact, I hosted one at the end of last month. My consultant was a truly fabulous woman named Stacey…and she’s moving to Wisconsin, so if you live in that area and want to have a party, here’s her website. Tell her I sent you!
Inspirational Paraphanelia– Not everyone can get heated just because they’ve decided to explore. Some are great at being able to close their eyes and fantasize, but not everyone can do it quite that easily. Erotic reading materials are a fantastic source of inspiration. In fact, click here to check out a current ongoing blog hop (It ends on the 21st) that’s all about giving away Wickedly Hot and Sexy books or Amazon gift cards. Yes, I’m giving away a copy of one of my books. 😉
Partners– Hey, if you’re in a relationship, discovering what works for you can be a joint adventure. There’s something extremely sexy about sitting across the room from your lover, watching him/her enjoy himself while you do the same. Me? Sometimes I prefer a taste of danger or the possibility of getting caught. Yes, there’s something about enjoying myself in the passenger seat when my partner has to keep his hands on the wheel that appeals to me. Or surreptitiously doing it in a public place where an observant person might notice, but maybe not. You know, like in a fancy restaurant, sitting across from your lover….or in a movie theater.
Yes, the pleasure possibilities are endless! The health benefits are great. The ability to take responsibility for your own orgasm and lead your partner to pleasing you? Priceless! The fact that May just happens to be Masturbation Month just gives you the perfect excuse opportunity to explore.
What major insights or changes in thinking have you experienced with regards to sexuality and/or relationships? If you’re one who enjoys the solo touch, what advice or lessons would you care to impart on folks who might just be opening up to self discovery?
And, of course, my warped humor wouldn’t let me leave out the ever-so-famous Sex in the City “Rabbit Intervention” episode. 😉 Enjoy!
theinnerwildkat 