That’s Not My Kink

We’ve all heard the saying “different strokes for different folks.” All a person has to do is look around to see the factual reality of that saying. So why does it seem like such a difficult thing to accept and acknowledge when referencing sex? Some of you may be ready to reject the notion out of hand, but hold on for a second while I state my case.

Over the years I’ve come across some pretty interesting sexual kinks/preferences. Many of them are fairly common. Some like to get their hair pulled or their bottoms spanked or both. Some like to be the spanker/hair puller. Some of us have exhibitionist streaks. As the girl who confessed to road head and more, obviously I fall into this category, though there are those who prefer the tamer “accidental” peep shows. Our counterparts are the people who get intensely excited by watching…or voyeurs. Of course there’s also bondage (those who like to tie up, and who like being tied up). I was 18 the first time I restrained someone in a sexual way.

Yes, a lot of the above also incorporates the power exchange that happens when the person’s desire it to yield submission to another person who is into taking control. Sometimes standing alone (no power exchange) or also falling into this world (when power exchanges are incorporated) are the folks who enjoy more than one partner at the same time.

Also surprisingly popular are foot fetishes. For some that means admiring and worshipping pretty toes. For others, it goes deeper. Some love the earthy smells of sweaty feet. Others wish to give foot massages or bathe those dirty feet with their tongues. Others simply want to paint those toenails or have those dainty feet walk all over their bodies (sometimes in high heels).

Some people have more exotic tastes.

I remember talking to one young lady who was fixated on having sex in church sanctuary. Not gonna lie, I’ve done it in the parking lot, but I draw the line at actually entering a “house of God” for copulation purposes. Of course, it would stand to reason that my personal beliefs probably play a part in my discomfort. It may have worked for her, but it definitely wasn’t my cup of tea, but that was okay. That was her thing, not mine.

One woman, a female dominant, I’d become friendly with once shared with me how she had somehow become entranced checking posteriors; putting on surgical gloves and “cleaning them up.” Oddly enough, she was a nurse and thus qualified to go rooting around back there. I admit, the image wasn’t something I cared to keep in my mind. Again, like before, it wasn’t for me, but that was fine.

Many of us have heard of golden showers. Some have even assumed that this couldn’t possibly be a “real” thing. I mean, who would get into the various areas that this sort of play delves into? But it’s real. In fact, it’s as real as cross-dressing or people who enjoy wearing diapers and treated like babies. Heck, even CSI featured a fetish where everyone dressed up like a stuffed animal.

So if there are so many parts of sex that are less than vanilla, why is it that people seem to struggle with acceptance? Is it really so hard to simply say “It’s not my kink” and let it go? No judgment, no disdain. Just a simple acknowledgement that what works for one person may not work for the next and leave it at that.

For that matter, why do people struggle so hard to deny the things that excite them rather than acknowledge the truth and create a fulfilling sex lives for themselves in their relationships? Why do they hide their interests, deny what draws them and pretend it doesn’t exist? Why do their desires become a shameful secret rather than something they communicate with their partner(s)?

My dear friend, Professor Taboo, recently asked me in the comments portion of his Expectations post a question that I’ve been thinking a lot about. “Whether we get or not what we seek from others, is it reasonable to EXPECT the type of open, authentic, proactive communication…and as you pointed out, expecting that level communication whether there were sexual experiences or not? Is the real issue sexual experiences!?”

I thought it was a great question, and the only thing I could come up with for both the way we react to people whose desires deviate from ours as well as from the passions we refuse to acknowledge within ourselves is that we allow fear in.

When faced with others whose desires/kinks vary from our own, it’s easy to point a finger and criticize. “That’s disgusting” “That’s unnatural” or “That’s so wrong” are judgment phrases that often escape the lips of those who can’t or don’t share the same interests. Why? Unless it’s illegal or partners are unwilling, WHY should we care or judge? Why is simply acknowledging that it’s not your thing and moving on so difficult to do?

And if something does intrigue us? I suspect it’s fear that causes us to deny our true natures/desires. What if someone finds out? What if they judge me (often the way I’m judging everyone else)? What if I truly am weird or sick for wanting something besides missionary sex?

It occurred to me as I considered this issue… This is a lot like our tastes in partners. Everyone has different “types”. In fact, half-Asian me has never been attracted to Asian men…and am very picky when it comes to black men that I find sexy. Heck, I laugh all the time at how specific my parents’ types are. My mom likes her men blond with blue eyes. My dad? He likes them Filipina. How do I know that? Because those traits are traits that followed them both into their second marriages.

My mom would tell you that she always knew I’d marry a “latin based” type. Why? Because she said I’d always been attracted to Hispanics, Italians and Greeks; not that I didn’t date my fair share of WASPs, but the majority of the guys who caught my eye were either dark hair and eyes or dark hair and blue eyes. Heck, some would call the attraction to people in uniforms or dangerous jobs or with tattoos a type, too.

Variety is the spice of life. There are a ton of different flavors out there… in ice cream, drinks, cultures, appearances, sexual preferences. No one type is better than the other. There is no right or wrong (well, unless we’re talking illegal). There’s simply what works for you.

Am I making sense? Am I crazy? What’s the most unusual kink you’ve heard of or seen? Do you have a “type” of person you’re attracted to? I’d love to know what you’re thinking…

I’ll close this with a bit of humor….and share what happens when a fantasy goes a bit “off”.

Cheating: Where Does Your Line Get Crossed?

Ok, guys and gals…it’s confession time again. Today’s topic? Fidelity. No, no…hubby and I are fine. No need to worry on that front. Nothing extramarital…unless you count the heroes in my naughty, naughty stories…as they dance their way through my brain.

Here’s the deal. I’m very quirky about extramarital affairs. I hated The Scarlet Letter and refuse to watch or read The Bridges Of Madison County. Maybe it comes from my dad repeatedly cheating on my mom, but I don’t find anything that glorifies or excuses adultery to be the slightest bit appealing. Having said that…I’m about to throw a big kink (pun intended) in this whole thing. Strange as it may seem, I have absolutely no issue with committed polyamorous relationships or sharing as long as both parties in the committed relationship are either there or have given consent. Yeah, that means I’m okay with exploring the voyeur/exhibitionist sides of relationships. The truth is, I LOVE reading this kind of book. Menage, BDSM, exihibitionism/voyeurism…I’m good with all of it! In fact, that’s the playground where I enjoy dipping my pen. Is this kind of relationship something I’d be interested in for real? No. I’m perfectly happy with having only one husband. Two may be a bit much to handle…LOL!

Why am I bringing this up? First, because I can. 😉 Second, because a friend of mine called me yesterday and got me thinking about cheating. She was talking in the context of her ex-husband. I’ll expand on this in just a moment.

Here’s the question I have for you guys before I continue with her story and put in my $.02. What construes cheating to you?

I know people can be very different about this. I’ve spoken to some women who’ve told me that the reason they’ve never purchased a sex toy (vibrator, dildo) is because their husband would feel threatened…and felt that this was necessary because they weren’t good enough in bed or some other such (in my opinion only) nonsense. The husbands have stated that they viewed this as a form of cheating. Personally, I subscribe to my friend Ande’s point of view that it can enhance the relationship (especially when used together). I don’t think that’s particularly progressive, just fact. Am I wrong? Well, if my girl Katie could cheat on her DVR with her boyfriend, I guess anything’s possible…;-)

I have other friends who feel watching porn is cheating. Personally, I don’t have a problem there, either. In fact, hubby and I have watched adult movies together. Sometimes it can spice things up! Sometimes it can give you ideas. Hopefully those ideas are more feasable than Natalie’s, because trips to the ER are not much fun, not to mention embarassing to explain to hospital personnel…trust me. I used to be hospital personnel…I could tell you stories! LOL! (Maybe another time)

What about constant texting and Facebook/Twitter messaging or emailing? Especially if it’s kept quiet from the significant other? Some feel that this is cheating emotionally. I don’t think it’s a good idea, but I don’t quite think it’s cheating. It’s definitely a gateway to heading down that path…because then it’s usually followed by meeting for coffee or drinks without telling the person with whom you’re in a relationship. Yeah…that’s a gateway. Anything that requires secretiveness and/or lies is probably not a great path to go down…but still not quite cheating.

Prostitutes or other one nighters…different area code or not? Yeah, to me that’s cheating. Sex of any kind without your significant other’s concent crosses a line for me. Am I wrong?

Here’s the story with my friend’s ex. You guys tell me if you think it’s cheating. My last statement above should probably tell you what my thoughts are… Her ex-husband used to sit online looking at porn and “spanking his monkey”. A lot. Here’s the twist. He was “jerkin’ his guerkin” to live webcam feeds. Interacting with the girls. Paying them. Telling them what to do. Watching them while they watched him. In a situation like that, would you consider it cheating? That he was doing this furtively goes without question. Where do you draw your cheating line?