The Difference Between Alphas and Alpha-holes


The outcry seems to be everywhere I look these days. Take a look at Facebook or Twitter. There are a ton of posts with ripped abs and chiseled bodies or links to hot, sexy books. I, for one, enjoy them immensely….but….

Pictures of hot, sexy, sweaty mean in uniform or tattoos or cowboy hats and boot have very little to do with what being an “Alpha” really means. First, despite all those pictures, the “alpha” is not quite as common as we’d like to think…and ladies, there’s a chance it’s partially thanks to our mixed messages. But there’s more to it than that.

I suspect that both men and women are a bit confused about what it means to be “alpha”. Don’t believe me? Google the word alpha male and see what comes up. I even saw a book that talked about “catching and training an alpha male”. That one kind of pissed me off. Of course me and my big mouth are going to sound off because I can’t stress this point enough…. Ladies, if you go into a relationship for the express purpose of changing aka “training” a man, don’t bother. He’s not the right guy!!!! He deserves better and so do you.

But back to my point. It was actually one of you who brought this topic up in the comments of one of my prior posts. When “alpha” is mentioned, it seems to go hand in hand with words like testosterone, domineering, power, bossy and a zillion other descriptions. Some of these can be double edged swords, but many of them are not complimentary at all.

I get it, of course. When we fantasize, we don’t picture someone with a “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse voice” saying things like “suck my cock”. We want a strong, gruff voice. We don’t picture some soft handed metrosexual type as the one to pull our hair and spank our bottoms while driving into us doggie style. We picture Beastmaster or Thor! When we fantasize of being ordered to do a strip tease, we’d rather picture a sexy, elegantly suited man, like the voice in “True Lies” or someone physically powerful…not some weasel with no backbone.

The problem is, somewhere along the way everything’s gotten a little muddy. Beware the “alpha” who needs to scream his alpha-hood from the mountaintops so to speak. If their way of showing domination includes putting you down, disrespect, bullying and even violent aggression…run. Run far, run fast. That’s not an Alpha. That’s a guy on a power trip with an ego problem.

Real alphas feel no need to prove how “alpha” they are. It’s just another facet of their personality. Their sense of control is innate and begins with themselves. What they realize that the alpha-holes don’t is that behaving like an ass-hat has absolutely nothing to do with how manly they are. In fact, the alphas I know tend to be very courteous, intelligent, observant and kind.

In the bedroom, their pleasure comes with their ability to give you your fantasies (which often includes you giving up your control…a sign of trust in them). Before you play bedroom games that involve any sort of bondage or sensory deprivation (blindfolds, and more) make sure you know and trust your partner. These situations are the kind alpha-holes look forward to because you’re in no position to fight back or defend yourself. Trust your internal warning bells. If anything inside you hesitates, listen. It means you don’t trust the person you’re with enough to put yourself in their hands. If he’s a true alpha, he’ll understand and appreciate that you’re not quite ready to take that step and it will be a target you can work toward…together. If he makes you feel bad, you made the right call.

Outside the bedroom, their interest is in giving you what you need and accepting you as you are. The “strong” behavior we love so much is underlying in everything they do, but comes roaring to life when they witness things like cruelty, injustice or danger. Well, maybe it comes out when playing or watching sports, too….but I’m just as guilty as them, so I cast no stones.


So tell me…am I wrong? Out of line? What would you add about alphas v. alpha-holes that I might have missed? Share, share!

17 thoughts on “The Difference Between Alphas and Alpha-holes

  1. Cowboys and Crossbones says:

    Oh I just love the alpha vs. alpha holes. And I think you hit the aspects of each right on the head. For me, seeing an alpha male in action – that person just has “it” whereas an alpha hole seems to be trying to achieve “it” never quite getting it exactly right.


  2. Katie says:

    You know what’s always bothered me? The alpha vs. beta/pick-up artist conversation that some men concern themselves with. I’m talking those books by Roosh V or whatever? Are you familiar with any of this smut? It’s ridiculous.


    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Sounds like I should be grateful that I’m unfamiliar with this guy. I had to look him up on Wikipedia. He didn’t sound all that impressive to me. In fact, it sounded like he was a Hitch wannabe.


  3. Jessi Gage says:

    Alphas are all about protection. They’ll make choices that affect you without consulting you because it’s quicker than talking you around to their way of thinking. But they do it for you. Kristen Ashley (Mystery Man, Mountain Series, and Unfinished Hero Series) writes these kinds of alphas. And BOY let me tell you, they protect what’s theirs.

    Alph-holes made decisions without consulting you because it suits their purposes. I love what you said about trust, Kitt. An alpha hero might abuse your trust with good intentions, but he’ll win your trust back once the misunderstanding is cleared up. An alph hole will abuse your trust and expect you to just get over it. Pfft. Who needs that!


  4. Gloria Richard Author says:

    Dang! I had a long-winded rant-a-thon typed and I got a WP error when I hit “post comment.”

    Suffice to say that I know Alpha-holes. The Gloria-Richard-Adopt-a-Problem Agency used to stay open 24/7 letting Alpha-holes work through what I perceived to be a hidden and deep-rooted need to control from some childhood trauma. The problem? I was the only one who saw power-tripping, not-invented-here syndrome, and put-downs explained away as “jokes” as a character flaw. Alpha-hole was busy helping me dig my self-esteem pit deeper. There was a team of zero looking after my own needs and glee.

    Not any more!

    It doesn’t matter how the POWER car ran into the ditch. I can’t pull it out. Only the person who drove it there has the ability to reverse course and back out of that ditch. God did not die and put me in charge of another person’s happiness.

    And, when fear causes that Alpha-hole to begin to behave differently? I’ve discovered it’s a façade. The true person eventually erupts. Verbally explodes. The words, “I’ve been trying so hard to be nice?”

    Um. If you have to “try,” you’re living a lie. I don’t want that for myself. I don’t want that for anyone.

    I’m putting this comment down as my journal time, Kitt! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. filbio says:

    Very intersting read here Kitt. Once again you have hit upon a subject that many people can’t comprehend, or admit to.

    Let’s just say this. A true Alpha doesn’t have to wave his dick around to show everyone how big it is, if you know what I mean. He carries himself with quiet confidence, takes care of his woman physically and emotionally, and takes great joy and pride in making her happy and supporting her wants, needs, desires, and career path.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Exactly. Being domineering and ordering a woman around doesn’t automatically make a guy an alpha…nor do a ton of muscles. Being alpha is more mental than physical and ultimately is about giving a person what they need.

      Incidentally, men aren’t the only ones who can be alphas or alpha-holes.


  6. Professor Taboo says:

    Kitt, I don’t think I’d add or request to correct anything you’ve written. You are pretty much spot-on. However… 😉

    …aside from the complete uselessness of the alpha-holes in intimate relationships (except as soldiers in wartime or maybe as club bouncers), even the alphas limit themselves IF that is the only aspect of their personality they choose to express daily. The healthier more dynamic personalities are the ones who are able to engage and communicate superbly/creatively with BOTH the masculine or feminine personalities! It’s like do you want to speak only English (toddler English?) or do you want to speak multiple languages? Which “orator” would you rather spend 30, 40, 75 years with traveling everywhere…literally and/or metaphorically? Umm, duh! LOL


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