That’s Not My Kink

We’ve all heard the saying “different strokes for different folks.” All a person has to do is look around to see the factual reality of that saying. So why does it seem like such a difficult thing to accept and acknowledge when referencing sex? Some of you may be ready to reject the notion out of hand, but hold on for a second while I state my case.

Over the years I’ve come across some pretty interesting sexual kinks/preferences. Many of them are fairly common. Some like to get their hair pulled or their bottoms spanked or both. Some like to be the spanker/hair puller. Some of us have exhibitionist streaks. As the girl who confessed to road head and more, obviously I fall into this category, though there are those who prefer the tamer “accidental” peep shows. Our counterparts are the people who get intensely excited by watching…or voyeurs. Of course there’s also bondage (those who like to tie up, and who like being tied up). I was 18 the first time I restrained someone in a sexual way.

Yes, a lot of the above also incorporates the power exchange that happens when the person’s desire it to yield submission to another person who is into taking control. Sometimes standing alone (no power exchange) or also falling into this world (when power exchanges are incorporated) are the folks who enjoy more than one partner at the same time.

Also surprisingly popular are foot fetishes. For some that means admiring and worshipping pretty toes. For others, it goes deeper. Some love the earthy smells of sweaty feet. Others wish to give foot massages or bathe those dirty feet with their tongues. Others simply want to paint those toenails or have those dainty feet walk all over their bodies (sometimes in high heels).

Some people have more exotic tastes.

I remember talking to one young lady who was fixated on having sex in church sanctuary. Not gonna lie, I’ve done it in the parking lot, but I draw the line at actually entering a “house of God” for copulation purposes. Of course, it would stand to reason that my personal beliefs probably play a part in my discomfort. It may have worked for her, but it definitely wasn’t my cup of tea, but that was okay. That was her thing, not mine.

One woman, a female dominant, I’d become friendly with once shared with me how she had somehow become entranced checking posteriors; putting on surgical gloves and “cleaning them up.” Oddly enough, she was a nurse and thus qualified to go rooting around back there. I admit, the image wasn’t something I cared to keep in my mind. Again, like before, it wasn’t for me, but that was fine.

Many of us have heard of golden showers. Some have even assumed that this couldn’t possibly be a “real” thing. I mean, who would get into the various areas that this sort of play delves into? But it’s real. In fact, it’s as real as cross-dressing or people who enjoy wearing diapers and treated like babies. Heck, even CSI featured a fetish where everyone dressed up like a stuffed animal.

So if there are so many parts of sex that are less than vanilla, why is it that people seem to struggle with acceptance? Is it really so hard to simply say “It’s not my kink” and let it go? No judgment, no disdain. Just a simple acknowledgement that what works for one person may not work for the next and leave it at that.

For that matter, why do people struggle so hard to deny the things that excite them rather than acknowledge the truth and create a fulfilling sex lives for themselves in their relationships? Why do they hide their interests, deny what draws them and pretend it doesn’t exist? Why do their desires become a shameful secret rather than something they communicate with their partner(s)?

My dear friend, Professor Taboo, recently asked me in the comments portion of his Expectations post a question that I’ve been thinking a lot about. “Whether we get or not what we seek from others, is it reasonable to EXPECT the type of open, authentic, proactive communication…and as you pointed out, expecting that level communication whether there were sexual experiences or not? Is the real issue sexual experiences!?”

I thought it was a great question, and the only thing I could come up with for both the way we react to people whose desires deviate from ours as well as from the passions we refuse to acknowledge within ourselves is that we allow fear in.

When faced with others whose desires/kinks vary from our own, it’s easy to point a finger and criticize. “That’s disgusting” “That’s unnatural” or “That’s so wrong” are judgment phrases that often escape the lips of those who can’t or don’t share the same interests. Why? Unless it’s illegal or partners are unwilling, WHY should we care or judge? Why is simply acknowledging that it’s not your thing and moving on so difficult to do?

And if something does intrigue us? I suspect it’s fear that causes us to deny our true natures/desires. What if someone finds out? What if they judge me (often the way I’m judging everyone else)? What if I truly am weird or sick for wanting something besides missionary sex?

It occurred to me as I considered this issue… This is a lot like our tastes in partners. Everyone has different “types”. In fact, half-Asian me has never been attracted to Asian men…and am very picky when it comes to black men that I find sexy. Heck, I laugh all the time at how specific my parents’ types are. My mom likes her men blond with blue eyes. My dad? He likes them Filipina. How do I know that? Because those traits are traits that followed them both into their second marriages.

My mom would tell you that she always knew I’d marry a “latin based” type. Why? Because she said I’d always been attracted to Hispanics, Italians and Greeks; not that I didn’t date my fair share of WASPs, but the majority of the guys who caught my eye were either dark hair and eyes or dark hair and blue eyes. Heck, some would call the attraction to people in uniforms or dangerous jobs or with tattoos a type, too.

Variety is the spice of life. There are a ton of different flavors out there… in ice cream, drinks, cultures, appearances, sexual preferences. No one type is better than the other. There is no right or wrong (well, unless we’re talking illegal). There’s simply what works for you.

Am I making sense? Am I crazy? What’s the most unusual kink you’ve heard of or seen? Do you have a “type” of person you’re attracted to? I’d love to know what you’re thinking…

I’ll close this with a bit of humor….and share what happens when a fantasy goes a bit “off”.

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44 thoughts on “That’s Not My Kink

      • ramblingsfromamum says:

        Nope – though I think I draw the line …no not think Know I do at the nursey nursey roles and people rear ends…I mean what is with that? Though of course the uniform is ok 😉 No – no judging here – different ‘strokes’ for different folks. Truth be know we all have a little kinky side I am sure – if not in our fantasies – in real life. As long as not hurting others or the recipient – go for it. See you have a habit of getting me to spill more every time lol xx

        • Kitt Crescendo says:

          Yeah, I don’t always get everyone’s kinks and why some appeal to them, but then I don’t always get everyone’s taste in partners, either, LOL! Like you said, as long as they’re not doing harm (I’d say hurting, but hey, some folks are into that, so I’m choosing harm) to anyone, and their partner is of legal consent age… 😉

          • ramblingsfromamum says:

            ain’t that the truth – sometime it makes you wonder why the hell are they with… but each to the own – exactly – and the recipients have to be 100% okay with whatever will happen and not have anything forced upon them. 🙂

  1. Michelle says:

    Different strokes, for different folks, for sure. I draw the line at things that may involve calls to paramedics, law enforcement, fire fighters, attorneys or the CDC (some bodily fluids were meant to stay away from “sexy times”.) But, as long as partners have discussed their preferences in an open, adult, nonjudgmental way – I say, go for it. Good fun relieves stress.

  2. Professor Taboo says:

    Hilarious commercial! Moral of the story/commercial? Finish your performance BEFORE the bell!!! lol

    Great post & topic Kitt! And thank you kindly for the mention. I’ll begin MY comment with Walt Whitman: “If you done it, it ain’t bragging.” It is simply dialogue; perhaps something unknown that has become known, something which has moved from “clueless” to “OMG! I’ve been missing out!” so the next question becomes: How could you have ever known the pleasure, ecstasy, if you hadn’t listened and observed… participated(?). I wonder, if one doesn’t try it…is that decision based on experience or pre-programming, one’s background? Or as you’ve raised the question Kitt: is it simply fear? Fear of rejection? Fear of addiction? Fear of reprisal?

    Is your decision to not act based upon your own authenticity, your true self, or is it based upon others? Which course is the more honest, the more noble? Fear stifles, courage fulfills.

    Answering your final questions Kitt, I’d say you’re certifiably crazy! 😉 Joking of course. Discussion, dialogue, communication on the subject of kinky, hard kinky, or down-right bizarre is not going to be an Oscar-winning poem the first time (probably not the 2nd or 3rd time either) when the subject is brand new and unknown. But this point-of-reference is from only one person; how it is received is equally important. The interactions will be tricky at first, but to expect utter perfection the first time out is completely unrealistic. I think there is also another factor involved here: timing. One person’s life-journey, sex-journey may be at a different point than another’s when the paths cross. When attraction happens or is created, it is often a question of maturity or experience at a particular time in everyone’s life when the ‘encounter’ happens. This is too often forgotten unfortunately. It is less about self (ego) and more about others, the other 7.14 billion on this planet. Notice the ratio? Notice the real perspective? So why is there a need to judge? It has been my experience that ‘judgers’ have very inflated egos no matter HOW you break their sources down.

    I was thinking Kitt that your title could (should?) have been as much That’s My Kink as it could That’s Not My Kink, right? 😉

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      To answer your first question, I think it’s often fear that holds us back, though not always. Overall values and general “squick” factor also come into play. For example, scat? Though I’ve never tried it, it hits my personal “squick” list, and it’s not a place I’ll be exploring for fear of losing my lunch. Sex inside a church? That hits my personal values out-of-bounds marker and seems too much like a personal rebellion rather than a sexual/sensual exploration for it to be of interest to me. Certain tools used for pain/pleasure? Well, that’s probably fear of pain and the fact that I’m not a masochist or much of a sadist.

      You may also have a point when you mentioned personal authenticity or code v. perception of others. In the end, it comes down to your knowledge of self as to whether you make choices based on fear or personal code. Despite appearances, the only person who will truly know is you. The rest is simply speculation (which, admittedly, is what I’ve been doing in a bid to challenge and encourage people to open their minds to possibility and potential fulfillment).

      I think you’ve got a point about timing and receptiveness. I do wonder, though. How often do we stop ourselves from sharing our interests or curiosity with our partners because we’re uncertain about how they might react or respond? If a partnership is to have a chance at lasting, open, honest communication and sharing must happen so that you can grow together rather than apart. And don’t you do a disservice to your partner by not trusting them enough to share your innermost thoughts for fear of judgment? Silence and secrets are a quick way to build walks and kill trust. Even if it may not be their thing, it doesn’t mean they’ll think less of you because you’ve revealed an interest. If every relationship had everything in common, how boring would our world be?

      And yes, I could have just as easily entitled this post as “That’s My Kink.” LOL! One more reason I appreciate you.

      • Professor Taboo says:

        Kitt, you’ve further expounded on just how CRITICAL it is to communicate openly, honestly, boldly, and proactively! Then, as you also alluded to, it is just as critical HOW you (as a S.O./spouse) listen and respond. I’ve encountered some couples where one partner/spouse unwittingly shames his/her partner/spouse by the tone, language, and lack of nurturing the exploration which sometimes takes great courage to verbalize. Even showing the non-verbal body language of shock can push your partner/spouse (back?) into fear and silence.

        And another possible sub-point, sub-aspect of this topic is how much time & effort has been spent by all parties involved toward TRUST, or a level of comfort to “boldly go where no one (or few) has/have gone before”!? Even trust takes a level of courage and vulnerability! SOMEONE has to take the first steps to even BEGIN to build foundations of trust! Movement! Forward motion! Blabbering mouth SPEAK! Get the ball rolling! lol

        I’ve learned one major thing about all this ‘taboo’ stuff… stagnation, status quo, silence, are all death sentences on a thriving relationship sooner or later! 🙂

        • Kitt Crescendo says:

          You know what’s crappy to me about what you just told me? Good relationships, even ones without kink, if they’re going to last/be strong (in other words, not the suffering through because divorce is just too hard or because they don’t believe in it) need vulnerability and open, honest communication, too. What strikes me is odd about the whole thing is that it’s actually possible to be open and honest about every other aspect of your life except sexually. Sadly, if the curiosity gets the better of one or both of them, stepping outside the relationship can occur simply to satiate curiosity, something that often could have been avoided had they been bold enough to talk about sex.

          You’re right, one partner, purely by the body language, tone or choice of words in their response can inadvertently belittle or hurt the other. Of course that can happen in any aspect of their relationship as no one is perfect. The key is to recognize those same “oops I put my foot in it” signs that their partner exhibits. More often than not, they’re pretty recognizable outside the bedroom if they have a strong relationship…which usually means the signs are even stronger inside the bedroom as the vulnerability tied to nudity (those shields are down both literally and figuratively) usually showcases physiological and emotional responses much more clearly than in day to day interactions.

          And you’re right…stangnation, status quo and silence in any aspect of the relationship are all death knells. Usually there are only two choices, like I said… Grow together or grow apart. :-/

          • Professor Taboo says:

            “…the signs are even stronger inside the bedroom as the vulnerability tied to nudity (those shields are down both literally and figuratively) usually showcases physiological and emotional responses…”

            Oh yeah! And this is never more apparent on a man! I mean, how can I truly hide my arousal or lack of arousal, if I’m nude; literally and maybe figuratively too! lol 😉

          • Kitt Crescendo says:

            Not very easy on a woman, either. Skin flushed, the way they breathe, peaked nipples (or not), shoulders back and out or hunched and hiding, glassy eyes…so many obvious signs not just of arousal, but upset.

  3. Cowboys and Crossbones says:

    I think our different ‘kinks’ do make us who we are! But I think we can tend to get judgmental if our partner may want or desire something that we don’t. It can feel threatening to say no but unnatural to say yes, therefore judgement occurs…as a defense mechanism, perhaps?

  4. Gloria Richard Author says:

    Call me weird. It’s okay. Many do.

    I’m too curious to be judgmental about other people’s preferences. There are things I can’t fathom enjoying, but never say never.

    Six months ago, I would not have fathomed open and honest communication about sex, giving head, female orgasms, masturbation…

    Six months ago, I didn’t own a sex toy. Now? Oh, yeah.

    For me, my inhibitions were rooted in being labeled dirty, odd, loose, different. Those are the things we should be celebrating about ourselves and each other, right? But, I was stuck in the muck and mire of not-good-enough and feared not fitting in. I repressed my needs and faked orgasms because of an insane need to please the man and a fear that failure to climax would earn me a reputation of being frigid.

    I knew that wasn’t the case because all parts were GO during masturbation. My failure to climax during sex was more mental — the power of non-expectation — honed over decades. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Now, I test the discussion waters with people. Most of those conversations build from my choice to write romance with steam. People become curious. Men are intrigued (and, not in a “when can I get this chick into bed” kind of way). Some women shy away from the conversation. I get and respect that. Some women want to know more.

    You would be amazed how many times I’ve whipped out my I Love Female Orgasm book. My biggest HOORAY(!)? A recently married gal at the place where I write opened up about her sex life. She confessed she and her hubby were still working out the sex thing. She said she got turned on when he went down on her, but was frustrated when he invariably stopped before she climaxed. I asked her why she didn’t encourage him to take her all the way, and then go for a twofer.

    HOORAY! When I next saw her, she said, “you know, that was great advice!” My husband is so turned on with trying new things now. And, he loves that I climax.

    Oh. GAAAAH! I have no clue what manner of spam I’m about to receive. I had to Google Golden Shower. Not my kink, but ‘what the hey’, right?

    You are the bomb, Kitt!

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      Go, you! I love that you’re now feeling so comfortable with your sexuality that you’re willing to share insight and feedback. How awesome did it feel to know you helped someone along the way in an area that up till recently you lacked in confidence?

      Insecurity and guilt can be hell on sexual empowerment, especially if you’re surrounded by people who enjoy making you feel small. Labels are nasty…and hey, degrading/derogatory words can be a hard limit for some people as it can freeze them in their tracks.

      As for faking orgasms? If a guy knows the female body well enough (or cares enough to pay attention to yours), they’d know you were faking it. And yes, that frigid catch 22 is brutal to deal with if you care what people think. After being labeled a whore early (and for no reason), I realized it didn’t matter what I tried to do, people were going to think what they wanted to think anyway.

      By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And I totally LOVE that you Googled the kink you didn’t recognize. You’re so awesome!

  5. brickhousechick says:

    I wrote a post a while back about my arthritic feet and you wouldn’t believe the followers and comments I got from men with feet “fetishes”. One asked me to post more pictures for him. Definitely NOT MY KINK. 🙂 But, I accept everyone doing their own thing and don’t have a reason to judge. Good topic to discuss. 🙂

  6. bethteliho says:

    Great post! Fascinating comments…read almost all of them (it’s so late, I was skimming). I’m totally of the mindset, don’t judge – to each his own. Of course things that might seem “gross” or bizarre to me I realize are quite the opposite to others and I respect that. I actually dated a guy for a few years with a foot fetish. Strange, but not bothersome. I have nice feet so that worked in my favor I guess, ha! He had a bit of a bondage thing goin’ on, too, but I can get into that if it’s not too over the top. Anyway, I’m oversharing cuz I’m tired and outta my mind, but my point is that it’s great to have an open mind about things. Try stuff. If you don’t like it, so be it. But you might be surprised.

    • Kitt Crescendo says:

      I don’t think that you were over sharing at all! I’m glad you not only took the time to read the post & comments, but to share your own experiences. Your open-mindedness obviously led you to some interesting experiences that allow you to look at fetishes from a slightly different perspective. I’ve found guys with foot fetishes can be fun and that the feet are more of an erogenous zone than most realize. Truth to tell, I knew a couple of guys into feet quite well. One of them was also into mild humiliation, CBT, denied orgasms and exhibitionism. It also made me realize that the foot fetishist is probably at least partially responsible for many women’s shoe obsession (though I doubt it dawned on them that there was a kink behind all those great shoe compliments). 😉

      • bethteliho says:

        Yeah, you’re probably right! “love your shoes!” haha!
        could never get into m.h – not my deal.; totally dig d.o. (hot!); no to exhib; what is CBT? I do NOT want to google it! Lol.

          • bethteliho says:

            Oh jeezuz no! Def. not into that. Yeesh. Sounds painful, but pain can be hot sometimes, if it’s where you want it, when you want it, and the level that’s comfortable to you. Which for me would be total wus level. Lol. Thanks for explaining. 🙂

  7. filbio says:

    Nothing that some rope, whipped cream, blindfold, and a pair of handcuffs wouldn’t cure!

    I dated all kinds of girls in my past. Some had wild kinks and some were just plain vanilla. I do prefer the ones with more “wilder tastes” in bed so to speak. To me it makes it fun. And a bit dirty in a good way.

    Funny thing is some of my guy friends can’t handle that stuff. They would rather keep it “vanilla”. To each his own I guess. Yawnnnnn…….

    Tie my hands to the headboard and have at it!

  8. August McLaughlin says:

    I’m hugely attracted to smartness, and am totally turned off by anyone who dislikes animals. Broad shoulders and arms that hug me just right — deliciousness. 🙂 It’s pretty crazy how different all of the guys I’ve dated are in appearance.. But I do relate a bit to your disinterest in folks with similar background as you. I’ve only dated one blond/blue-eyed person, and it felt slightly like dating a sibling. LOL

  9. Jeri Walker-Bickett (@JeriWB) says:

    I’m very attracted to heavy metal bad boys. Long black hair, leather, all that jazz. Then viola! I meet my husband who looks nothing like that. Midwestern boy with super blue eyes and blond hair. I still like my fantasy boys though, and I never fail to point them out to hubby when we’re out and about. Guess I should be glad I found a good guy and not some man-whore jerk likes the men in the 80s hair bands I used to obsess over when I was in seventh grade 😉

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